Mullah Omar sought to scotch rumours of his demise by appearing on the popular Indian television show “On the couch with Koel” for a heart to heart, intimate conversation with popular Indian television compere Koel Purie. This is Koel’s more daring journalistic feat yet.
Koel was ferried blindfolded to General Hamid Gul’s penthouse to record the interview. The trademark red couch was recreated to provide the perfect ambiance so that they could indulge in the famous ‘on the couch with Koel’ gup-shup. Read below for excerpts from their conversation.
Koel: Can I call you Omar?
Mullah Omar: Oye. Whaat is this…I am called Amir ul Mumnim…but I make exception faar you.
Koel: Omar, can you try and talk in Hinglish – basically start in English and end sentence in Hindi – that is the language my audience understands
Mullah: Hain? Me only know Pashto, Urdu from Baalywood movies and little Amriki from CNN
Koel: first class, first class, will do…I hope you are comfortable on my red couch
Mullah: Me only sleep with my pet goat, Abu Hussain, and Kalashnikov on hard floor….but I try and adjust faar you because you nice girl
Koel: Omar, tell us about Mrs. Mullah Omar…how you both met and how did you marry each other
Mullah: Oye, whaaat is this, hain? My Missus is none of you bitchiness. Anyway, I will try to answer……Missus 1, 2, 3 or 4?
Koel: um… No. 4…
Mullah: …..I see my Missus number 4 feeding goat in my village near Kandahar… I say to myself “Allah is great…she gift for me”…so I lift her and take to Qazi to perform Nikaah….Qazi ask for comeeshan…which too much…I shoot him with my Kalashnikov. That evening, I threw paaarty for my biraadari. We celebrated with bums and bullets. Nice.
Koel: Wow..sooo romantic…acha now tell us about your first crush
Mullah: Hain, you waaant to know about first crush?… during Jihad, I crushed a Russian with my bare arms…cute guy too, now that I think about him.
Koel: No…..never mind…Which Bollywood actor would you like to go on a date with?
Mullah: Hain..Date?…Khajoor..no, I like chapli kabab
Koel: no no….who would you like to relax with after hard day of work
Mullah: oye I fallow…..my dream to ‘relax’ with Ranbir Kapoor yaar…oye that boy is very cute..you bring him here…me and my goat, Abu Hussain, will give him good time, oye
Koel: wow, Ranbir if you are listening, Mullah Omar claims he is a die-hard fan of yours
Koel: Accha Mullah ji, what music do you like? Desi, Jazz, Hard Rock…
Mullah: Oye, music proscribed for us talibs…but for you I confess…me like metallica Kalashnikov style
Koel: Wow, that’s sooo cool can you play a beat for us…
Mullah: You brave girl oye, big haaart…lemme get Kalashnikov and serenade faar you.
[Mullah zips out Kalashnikov and starts shooting to the beat of ‘ek do teen...’ from old Bollywood blockbuster Tezaab. Koel Purie shrieks and faints. End of Interview.]