Immediately after Baba Ramdev announced his resolve to continue his fast, the UPA top brass convened an urgent, top-secret meeting to decide their future course of action. The Unreal Times managed to get transcripts of the cabinet meeting through an RTI application filed with the Chief Information Commissioner.
The meeting begins with Kapil Sibal and Pranab Mukherjee taking seats around a huge table in the conference room at 10-Janpath. As the leaders settle in their seats, Pranab Mukherjee stands up, presumably to introduce the agenda and set the ball rolling.
Pranab: Mai namshte to owl you reshpected peepal. Today oui are shitting ere to dishkush poshibal auction in reshpaunch to Baba Ramdev’s fasht.
Silence in the room as the leaders look at one another with confused expressions. After a couple of seconds, Kapil Sibal stands up.
Kapil: Okay, given the urgent nature of this meeting, let us set aside our usual eulogies for Soniaji and get to the point right away. Let me lay out the agenda. Today we’ve assembled here to discuss possible actions in response to Baba Ramdev’s fast.
Pranab murmurs under his breath and sits down.
Right at that moment, Sonia strides into the room, followed by a confused looking Rahul Gandhi, and a pale Manmohan Singh. The leaders jump up from their seats and stand in an attention position. Pranab Mukherjee’s right hand flashes to his forehead as if in a salute. A split-second later, he becomes conscious of it, and immediately stops his arm mid-way and brings it back down to rest by his side. Manmohan Singh scurries ahead of Sonia, and with some effort, pulls the chair out for the lady to sit. He then proceeds to sit on the floor next to her.
Sonia: No, no, Manmohanji, sit here.
Sonia points to the chair on her right, and Manmohan accepts quickly with a grateful expression. The other leaders maintain their stoic expressions, bodies bolt upright and eyes straight ahead.
Sonia: Sab bait ho… I mean, everybody sit down.
As the leaders take their seats, Digvijay Singh bursts into the room, hair disheveled and glasses awry. He stumbles dazedly towards an empty chair next to Rahul Gandhi, attemps to sit on it and promptly crashes to the floor. He then grabs hold of Rahul’s leg, pulls himself up with some difficulty and flops onto the chair. He looks up at Sonia, and flashes a smile that looks at once servile and crazy. Rahul Gandhi leans over to Digvijay Singh
Rahul (whispers): What happened, Diggy Chacha?
Digvijay: Hee hee, Rahul Baba, you should try the stuff I’m smoking these days.
Rahul: Shh…Mom’s going to be very pissed…
Sonia coughs audibly in their direction, and Rahul and Digvijay snap back to attention.
Sonia: Okay, you all know why we are here. Let me hear your opinions on what we should do. Lets go clockwise from the left. Pranabda, aap shoor curry eh?
Pranab: Madam, oui shood not doo onything shoopid. Ony strong auction ouill ave sherious conshekenshes.
Sonia: Umm.. Kapil ji?
Kapil: Madam, I think we should just bury the Baba in a web of lawyerly jargon, paperwork and technically-correct-but-practically-false promises. Like Rahul Dravid wears opponents down in test matches, we just need to wear him down.
Manmohan: I think we…
Sonia: Okay, thank you for your opinions. They have been useful, and I’ve now come to a decision on what we should do. Just so that everyone understands, let me say this in Heeendi which is better than my English.
Sonia: Abhi ke liye hum Babaji ko please karenge. Side by side, unko second-guess karenge aur soch samajh ke baadme action lenge, pizza aur cafe latte khate hue
The leaders nod their heads vigorously.
Sonia: So are we clear?
Congress leaders in unison: MA’AM, YES MA’AM
Upon which, Sonia strides out of the room with Rahul Gandhi in tow, as the other leaders stand upright in servile gratitude to the Madam for her time and wisdom. After she leaves the room, there is silence in the room. After a minute, Kapil Sibal glances at Manmohan Singh and says..
‘Did you get what she said, PM ji?’
‘Of course. She said Babaji ko police karenge; Which meant a police action. She also wanted to second-gas, which surely means tear-gas the gathering twice…’
‘…and in the end she also mentioned latte which means…’
‘Right. Let’s go ahead and implement her orders.’