America finally gets fed up with Capitalism, turns Communist

Filed under: Rest of the World |

The new bastion of Communism

Fed up with all the economic volatility, shakiness of the financial system, rising economic inequality, and decelerating growth, the American polity seems to have thrown in the towel as far as faith in Capitalism and free markets are concerned. In what has been termed as the silent overnight revolution, America has overhauled its Constitution and transformed into the Union of Socialist American Republics (USAR). With 100% consensus on embracing Marxism, the Republican and Democrats have merged into the Communist Party of America (CPA) which has elected Comrade Obama as the Supreme Leader for a term of 15 years.

Former Republican Senate leader and right wing ideologue, Mitch McConnell, speaking on behalf of his now defunct party said, “Look guys, all this economic uncertainty is getting a bit much for us also. We now want the USAR Government to nationalize all economic activity, seize the wealth of American billionaires, dismantle the completely unreliable financial system, and go in for massive Soviet style planning to manage the US economy.”

President Obama meanwhile has fired his team of economic advisors and put Ben Bernanke behind bars. “I finally gave up trying to understand what fiscal stimulus and quantitative easing were all about. I am now gonna exile these guys to Alaska for f****ing with my mind for the last 2 years,” said Chairman Obama. Taking their place will be Soviet era planners, Yuri Chekov and Boris Petraus, who immigrated to the States in the 90s and took up Wall Street hedge fund quant jobs before joining the ranks of the unemployed after the 2008 meltdown.

All US corporations have been turned into PSUs (Public Sector Units) that will be manned by Comrades.  Comrade Steve Jobs, head of the Apples and Pads Industrial Division (previously known as Apple Inc) has been given the onerous task of reviving America’s apple orchards sector. “And one more thing, our new Macintosh will be far juicier and tastier than the older versions and should create jobs for American workers,” said Comrade Jobs in a briefing to the CPA  Politburo, dressed in standard Communist garb – a Mao cap and pyjamas.


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