Iran to become US ally like Pakistan to ward off sanctions and acquire nuclear weapons unhindered


Iran may replace Pakistan as the new American ally in the war on terror

Tehran has overhauled its foreign policy viz. its main adversary, the United States of America. Rather than clashing with America over contentious issues such as the Israeli-Palestine dispute, Middle Eastern geo-politics, or acquisition of nuclear capability, the Iranian Government has offered to become an official American ally in the war on terror just like Pakistan so that it can pursue its national objectives unencumbered.

The U turn came about after the Iranian policymakers noted the impressive strides made by Pakistan in pursuit of its geo-political agenda. “Heck man, the Pakistanis have acquired nuclear capability, long range missiles, and even gets billions of dollars in military aid for ‘assisting’ the US in the war on terror. We on the other hand can’t even export our bloody oil and may even face punitive military strikes from the West if we press ahead with our nuclear program,” noted Iranian President, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. “Pragmatism demands that henceforth we view Uncle Sam not as the Great Satan, but as the ‘Great Bakra’,” added the Iranian President.

The Iranian army and the clergy have also backed the Iranian President’s move to take a leaf out of Pakistani diplomacy. “The Pakistanis says yes to every American demand and then do whatever they feel like doing.  Bloody brilliant! Why do we have to be so naively transparent about our hostility and opposition to American interests in the Persian Gulf?,” cried a frustrated Iranian General Mohmad Ali Jafari, chief of the elite Revolutionary Guard. Iran’s Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Khamenei, has also promised to replace traditional Iranian anti-American rhetoric with paeans to American leadership as part of the new ‘be sweet to America’ policy.

Islamabad has reacted cautiously to the development. “Making a bakra out of the Americans is easier said than done, boss. We Pakistanis have to suffer sanctimonious, long winding American lectures about how we need to do more on the war on terror because it is in our interest. And do our brothers have any idea how much skill is required to bluff with a straight face to our American friends regarding what we really are up to. Good luck to the Iranians if they think they can pull it off,” said an amused General Kayani to The Unreal Times.

The Iranian offer of conciliation has stumped the Obama administration. “Iran offering to become a pliant ally like Pakistan is even more upsetting than Iran developing nuclear weapons. We will expand the scope and severity of sanctions if the Iranian regime sheds its overt hostility towards the West and ends up mind f***ing us like the Pakistanis do,” said an extremely worried US Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton.

New Delhi, however, has dissuaded Washington from falling for this trick and has instead proposed to send its entire cabinet of Union Ministers into Iran in an internationally orchestrated attempt to disrupt and halt Iran’s nuclear program. “These guys can stop anything from happening. They are an A-team when it comes to creating internal tussles, leaking confidential information, paralyzing programs and not taking decisions. We have the utmost confidence in them”, said Dr. Manmohan Singh in a press release to unveil the proposal.

(With additional reporting from Laughing Gas)

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