Government appoints Lalit Modi to conduct 2G auctions in transparent, objective manner

Modi may head the newly constituted statutory body, Indian Telecom League

The Union Government today welcomed the SC judgment to scrap the 122 licenses issued in 2008 and re-issue licenses using an auction based mechanism. It has now approached Lalit Modi to head a new statutory body, ITL (Indian Tamasha Telecom League), which will oversee the auction of 2G spectrum to interested franchises based on competitive bidding.

Modi has accepted and promised to make the auction event as transparent as possible. “We’ll get cheerleaders too since that would be in the public interest,” promised an excited Lalit. The former IPL commissioner has already invited cash rich IPL franchises such as Deccan Chargers and CSK to dump ‘underperforming Indian players and invest in 2G spectrum, which can deliver more entertainment and ROI’. Liquour baron and proud owner of Royal Challengers Bangalore, Vijay Mallya, has indicated his willingness to participate in the 2G spectrum auction provided the government bails out Kingfisher Airlines first.

Meanwhile, Kapil Sibal welcomed the SC judgment and laid blame for the entire licensing mess at the door steps of Alexander Graham Bell and James Clark Maxwell. “Maxwell had formulated the theory of electro-magnetic waves and Bell invented the modern telephone. So, in all fairness, these two gentlemen are ultimately to blame for the imbroglio and their descendants should apologize to the nation.” Sibal however refrained from blaming the RSS. “Those are Diggy’s lines,” grinned the Telecom Minister.

Sibal also thanked the Supreme Court for bringing clarity about the number system. “I’m very grateful that the number system has been clarified. I had gone through a long period of uncertainty about the existence of non-zero numbers. The Supreme Court has now lifted that veil of uncertainty. I have now been asked to allocate the largely unused spectrum of my brain to learn about these non-zero numbers,” he said solemnly.

Law minister Salman Khurshid, on the other hand, has been busy poring over his law school textbooks to determine the government’s next possible move. After many hours of fruitless labour, Khurshid discovered that there is no legal recourse only after he rang up Subramanian Swamy, who bluntly told him, “Maha-moorkh, there is no court over the Supreme Court. Go back to law school!”

Meanwhile, the PMO finally released an official tweet on the apex court’s game-changing verdict. After tweeting on 31st January that the learned judges had completely vindicated the Prime Minister, the PMO today tweeted: “We respect the fact that both the scholarly judges have completely emasculated the PM whilst appreciating his workload…”

(Based on inputs from special correspondents, Aswhin S.Kumar and GandhitoNehru)

Related posts:

1. Abhishek Bachchan’s Idea contract cancelled after Supreme Court revokes 2G licenses
2. Supreme Court empowers Arnab Goswami to be judge, jury, and executioner in the 2G case
3. Home Minister Chidambaram will investigate himself in the 2G scam
4. Top 7 picks to be the next LokPal
5. Government’s contingency plans to outmanoeuvre Anna & Co