US offers Pakistani army generals mortgage refinancing to secure help in the war against terror

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"Do we have a deal?" asks Hillary

The US government has offered Pakistani senior officers mortgage refinancing at an attractive promo rate of zero percent for first three years in exchange for information about whereabouts of Al Qaeda operatives, Haqqani network members and other bad guys.

“We believe that it is a fair deal. Our weapons of mass destruction for yours”, said Hillary Clinton optimistically after the first round of talks in Washington to secure Pakistani co-operation in the war on terror. “If you guys deliver, more goodies like securitization and credit default swaps will follow. Now how cool is that,” she added.

The US offer has elicited mixed responses from the Pakistani establishment with civilian political leaders stoutly opposed to it. “Mortgage refinancing based on teaser rates will screw Pakistani society even more than the ongoing drone strikes or the import of Kalashnikov culture during the 80s. I call upon all patriotic Pakistanis to come out on the streets and oppose this crime against humanity,” thundered popular Pakistani leader, Imran Khan, during a rally in Lahore.

The Tehreek-e-Taliban has threatened to blow up any houses built through sub-prime mortgage financing. “We’ll blow up such houses before the housing market bubble blows up and f***s the Pakistani economy,” warned Taliban leader, Mullah Akhund, who was a financial engineer in Wall Street before returning to Afghanistan (or was it Pakistan) to fight against American forces in 2008 after the sub-prime crisis.

However, the Pakistani Army is very keen to acquire these financial gizmos to gain an edge over India. “Funding terror is passé. The ISI ought to reinvent itself as an I-Bank and get into the business of selling sub-prime mortgage securities to Indian agencies,” said ISI chief, General Pasha, during a briefing. The ISI plans to depute its brightest officers to I-Banks for acquiring hands on experience towards this end.

(Reported by What Ho! with additional inputs from the UnReal Team)

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