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Veteran Taliban leader, Mullah Anwar Chaudhury, has established a university for Terrorism Sciences to cater to the needs of the burgeoning terrorism industry in the Af-Pak region. The school, which has been christened named PITS (Peshawar Institute of Terrorism Studies) will house a school for management (the Mullah Omar School of Terrorism Management named in honour of the reclusive leader of the Taliban) in addition to a school for Terrorism Engineering and Applied Studies, and will strive to serve the sunrise terrorism and insurgency sector by extending its theoretical frontiers, and preparing highly gutsy and ambitious students for deadly careers in militancy, terrorism, and insurgency.
Leading captains of the industry have hailed Mullah Chaudhury’s initiative. “A university like PITS was long over-due to bridge the gap between theory and practice, equip aspiring militants with the requisite skills using case method based pedagogy, and help premier terror outfits fulfill their annual manpower needs. Thank you, Mullah Anwar for filling this void,” gushed Tehreek-e-Taliban’s President for Human Resources, Mullah Akhund.
The university has generated so much buzz in industry circles that it may boast a 100% placement record with the inaugural graduating batch itself. “The Taliban and the Al-Qaeda, the McKinsey and GoldMan Sachs of the terrorism business, have promised to take at least a dozen students and will be slotted for Day 0. Day 1 firms include a Baluchistan based insurgency firm that is looking for people with work experience and the Laskhar-e-Taiba which is hiring freshers for its Mumbai office. Losers who don’t get placed on Day 0 or Day 1 should definitely get picked up on Day 2 by some shady Maoist groups operating in Nepal and Chhatisgarh. Placements don’t get any sexier than this, baby!!” raved Mullah Rahman, dean for placement at PITS.
It actually could get a lot sexier. A Wall Street hedge fund, Dynamite Traders, which trades in exotic derivatives and other lethal financial securities, is keen to offer jobs to PITSians. “If a dude has the balls to blow himself, then he won’t think twice before taking a multi-billion dollar punt that could potentially blow up the world economy. We need guys like these in front of our trading terminals,” said Steve Balamos, worldwide head of talent management at the hedge fund.
However, Washington has taken a dim view of developments and has promised to take out PITS in a drone strike once its precise location on the Af-Pak border is ascertained. Mullah Chaudhury is disappointed with the attitude of the Americans, tersely noting, “I don’t get it. Americans keep telling us to emulate their way of life and develop a free market economy. So for once, just for once, we try to replicate that most cherished of American institutions, Harvard, and they want to blow it up. These Americans are crazy!”