After the US State Department clarified that the $10 mn bounty was for usable information that can lead to his arrest and conviction, Professor Hafiz Saeed has handed himself over to Oprah Winfrey. Hafiz will now plead his case directly to the Amerian public in Opah’s Next Chapter, the popular talk show hosted by Oprah Winfrey.
The US State Department lauded Saeed for submitting himself before the American justice system. “The only court higher than the American Supreme Court is Oprah’s talk show. If Saeed can get the American people around to his nuanced world view during interrogation, which will be viewed by millions of naive Americans with no point of view to begin with, we will take it as an acquittal. After all, poll ratings trump everything else in American politics,” informed Spokesperson, Mark Toner.
Oprah has promised to go easy on the Islamist radical leader during cross-examination. “I’ll probe into how he turned into such a psycho with sensitivity and tact. Everyone needs a shoulder to cry on, you know,” said the popular talkshow host.
Saeed, a professor who holds two degrees and practices third degree, has enterprisingly used media attention to promote his upcoming jihad spawning school in Muridke, Lahore. Saeed informed the Rawalpindi press corps that the there should be no dounts about his school’s quality since it has been accredited by none other than the Inter Service Intelligence (ISI).
Hafiz Saeed also claimed that the college was drone- attack-proof as it was equipped with the state craft of American terror double standards, which virtually guaranteed the safety of eastward bound jihadis. An unnamed Pakistani official commended America’s nuanced policy distinction between eastward and westward bound terrorists, insisting that they were headed in the opposite directions. The source also claimed that Pakistani had learnt to make a similar subtle distinction between the Afghan Taliban and the Pakistan Taliban. “It’s all in the first name”, he claimed, adding that the shared terror lineage does not necessarily imply a shared vision of the future.
Saeed also vehemently denied allegations of his links to the Al Qaeda and dared youngsters to think beyond it. “Jamat-ud-Dawa is the world’s best school to learn terrorific skills,” he claimed. Saeed went on to label Osama as his “frenemy” and contrasted the media shy, cave loving Al Qaeda leader’s reclusiveness with his gregariousness and appetite for publicity.
In a related story, Akshar Shikshith, a 6 year old, was disappointed with the US State Department when it refused to award him the $10 million bounty for offering information on the whereabouts of Hafeez Saeed. Akshar who has only recently learnt to read, carefully noted the location while viewing Saeed’s press conference on TV and promptly conveyed the information to a State Department official. The official later clarified that the reward was for information leading to Saeed’s conviction. Akshar’s father said that while his son could grasp the alphabet, farcical geo-political war games involving critical supply lines were beyond the comprehension of his son’s young mind. Akshar’s father alleged that the State Department has crushed his child’s aspiration to be a suave RAW agent like Vinod, and that he has instead decided to settle for the job of an informer at the local thana.
(Reported by Shreya Manjunath)