Officials in the Ministry of Finance have revealed that Finance Minister Pranab Mukherjee’s stand on retrospective amendments to the Income Tax Act was inspired by science fiction dealing with time travel and the space-time continuum. Pranab da had also clarified in the discussion on the Finance bill that last decade’s taxes will be deferred till the next century to soothe investor sentiments.
The stock market has played the role of the time traveller’s wife in Pranab’s journeys prompting volatile swings in investor emotions. One analyst at a Citi warned, “These space-time folds will cause FIIs to fold up their financial operations in India.” Another investment banker, a quant jock, has built a new mathematical model taking into account India’s unique legal discontinuities in the space-time continuum. “Current investment models are appropriate from a Euclidean perspective, but in India one needs relativistic models which take into account governmental space-time whims.” Pranab Mukherjee has demonstrably bent the rule of law by bending the space-time continuum and levying taxes on transactions conducted eons ago.
Meanwhile, Pranabda’s deft use of space-time loopholes to close tax loopholes has been lauded by sundry left liberals. CPI(M) which is caught in a communist time warp also praised the move. Commenting on the retrospective tax the CPI(M) spokesperson said, “The move isn’t retrograde enough. If we had the ability to time travel we would return to communist heydays in a parallel universe where corporates did not exist.”
Corporates have been unable to scramble to any tax haven in the space-time continuum because the Finance minister magically appears there with his taxman in tow. Vodafone, whose Cayman Islands tax escapades are legendary, is a particular favourite of Mr Mukherjee. Pranabda has adroitly crossed continents and years to reach the precise space-time coordinates of Vadofone’s taxcapades. Sci-fi writers have expressed amazement at his use of legal gymnastic and space-time jumps to target Vodafone with scientific precision. Corporates are now trying to worm their way out of paying taxes by creating a space-time wormhole which is kept traversable using exotic locations with negative taxation. But experts have said that none shall escape Pranab da’s tax-hole, not even FIIs whose capital flees India at the speed of light. The telco now seeks to avenge the taxing times by imposing hefty time-roaming charges on the Pranabda- the space-time nomad.
The finance minister is now considering proposals to levy taxes on British imperial investments in tea plantations despite written assurances to the British government to the contrary. He is also giving serious thought to tax evasions by erstwhile spice and silk traders. A North Block official justified the move saying, “We are merely using the irregularities in the space-time continuum to deal with financial irregularities.” Pranabda has used his gift of time travel to set India’s finances in order. The Greek finance minister has also sought Pranabda’s advise to cast his tax net across the space-time continuum.
Meanwhile, a concerned citizen, Bharat Deshbhakt brooded, “In a parallel universe there must exist an India that attracts more foreign investment than China. I wish the finance minister would transport us there.”
(Reported by special correspondent, Shreya Manjunath)