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Alarmed by the shrinking talent pool in domestic cricket and poor prospects of unearthing genuine pace bowlers or finding replacements for the aging batting legends, the BCCI has unveiled a radical plan to arrest Indian cricket’s inevitable decline – setting up of a sperm bank with donors exclusively comprising international cricketing greats so that Indian women can also aspire to be proud mothers of 6 foot 6 hulks like Chris Gayle or speed demons like Dale Steyn.
The move comes in the wake of the India A team’s dismal performance in the Caribbean – the batsmen were unable to cope with the pace, while on the bowling front, part time spinner Rohit Sharma ended up the highest wicket-taker ahead of the specialists – forcing the BCCI to implement plans for assembling a team of superheroes to avenge the Indian team’s humiliating losses on overseas tours.
“Clearly, the cupboard is bare as far as talent is concerned. Just like the Indian economy, Indian cricket is in also in urgent need of FDI of another type, namely Caucasian and African genes to diversify the indigenous gene pool,” explained N Srinivasan.
But why even have Indian mothers if the whole idea is to diversify the genetic composition of future Indian cricketers and instead opt for foreign surrogate mothers as well? The wise Srinivasan pointed out the pitfalls of such an over-ambitious move. “It’s necessary that they have some Indianness in them, pa. After all, they have to live in this country, and not be driven crazy by the crowds, heat, traffic jams, no?”
“Look, at best, such selective cross-breeding could produce a desi Curtly Ambrose. At worst, we will end up with yet another Munaf Patel or Venkatesh Prasad. So it’s still a better alternative to the status quo of relying on a pace-attack led by the likes of Munaf to dismiss the opposition twice in Tests,” he reasoned.
Cricketing pundits contend that the BCCI plan has the potential to succeed but formidable barriers still need to be circumvented. “Even assuming the foreign genes dominate, such cricketers will have to overcome adverse environmental and cultural conditions – hellish weather, docile pitches, bad dietary habits – all of which make it tempting to become a harmless off-spinner instead of a fast bowler. And then there is always the danger of getting snapped up by an IPL franchise at an early age for an astronomical sum and stagnating in mediocrity or ending up a bits and pieces player like Ravindra Jadeja,” wrote Ian Chappell in his weekly column, Chappeli’s corner, for The Unreal Times.
Obstacles notwithstanding, the BCCI is planning sperm banks along similar lines to find replacements for legends like Ravi Shastri in the commentary box as well. “Actually, we are trying to clone Ravi bhai. For the sake of Indian cricket commentary’s viability, it is imperative that his genes be passed on intact without any dilution,” disclosed the BCCI President.