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Perhaps, it’s a result of spending too much time on Twitter. Or perhaps, our reporters are going insane. After a particularly long day of tweeting, one of our UnReal correspondents dreamt up the following episode of Satyamev Jayate where Aamir Khan takes on the crucial issues of Twitter Trolls. The transcript of the episode is as follows.
Aamir Khan: Namaskaar Aadab khushamdeed Satyameva Jayate. Mein Aamir Khan aap sabhi ka teh dil se iss show pe swagat karta hoon.
Aamir Khan: Doston, Alexander Pope once famously said ‘To err is human, to Twitter is divine’. Twitter is very much part of our lives today, with people of all ages, nationalities, religion and caste hooked onto it.
(Gives the audience a sweeping gaze)
Aamir Khan: We have people from all walks of life here in our studio today. (To the audience) How many of you are on Twitter? (All raise their hands, except for a man with no arms who lifts his right foot) Most of you… Hmm (pregnant pause) Why do we use Twitter? (turns to a section of the audience and shifts his gaze from one face to another in a convincing act of randomness, before settling on a pre-decided participant) Acha, aap bataiye?
Random guy in the audience: I use Twitter to keep myself informed about world events
Aamir Khan: General knowledge. Hmm… (Turns to another participant) Aap?
Random girl in the audience: To follow Shah Rukh Khan and be part of his life. He’s so cute!!!!
Aamir Khan: Celebrities ko follow karne ke liye. (Turns to a young man) Aap?
Random youth in the audience: To let off some steam. Twitter cools me down. (shouts) UPA hai hai !
Aamir: Okay, okay. (turns to another guy) Aap?
Another random youth in the audience: Umm. Because I have nothing better to do..
Aamir Khan: So the reasons are very many. We have all used Twitter at some point of time and we have all had fun. But have some of us taken our fun on Twitter to extreme levels?
(The studio camera now pans to the large sceen behind Aamir Khan and a melancholy soundtrack kicks in. We see the back of an elderly gentleman sitting on his computer. The camera then traverses a semicircle around the protagonist, prompting him to look into the camera. A voiceover starts.)
Voiceover: Like everyone else, Justice Markhendra Katju leapt onto the social media bandwagon and got himself a Twitter account. The first few days, he had great fun as he saw his followers count increase (Justice Katju is seen laughing uproariously as he types the tweet ’90% of Indians are fools’) but it wasn’t long before he was tracked and targeted by a notorious group of people on Twitter. The trolls. (Justice Katju is now seen in a rather serious mood, hands shivering as he tries to type out a tweet) Finally, the problem became so serious that he had no option but to quit Twitter.”
(The movie clip ends and we are back in the studio with Aamir Khan and his guest, Justice Katju.)
Aamir Khan: Justice Katju ji, bahaut bahaut shukriya yahan aane ke liye.
(Justice Katju nods)
Aamir Khan: Kya aap humein bata sakte hain ki kya hua jisse aapko Twitter chhodna pada?
Justice Katju (takes a minute to compose himself before beginning to speak haltingly): The first time it was just a solitary comment… a follower called me senile and a crack-pot. I was taken aback a bit but ignored it, and continued making my tweets… the second time it happened again when I tweeted against Team Anna… the abuser had with him a companion… together they abused me all night. I ignored it again and it was over the next day… (pauses for a second) but when I tweeted something against Modi the third time (shivers visibly) hell froze over, and I… I… I received a torrent of abuse! (A young girl in the audience looks shell shocked). It went on for five days relentlessly. (Aamir Khan wipes away a tear). The abuse just won’t stop. On the sixth day, I had no option but to quit.
(Justice Katju then begins sobbing uncontrollably. Aamir Khan gets up from his seat, places a hand over Katju’s shoulder and consoles him. The young girl in the audience has by now started crying, as has her neighbour. The camera returns to Aamir Khan.)
Aamir Khan: To aapne dekha Justice Katju akele nahi hain. Aise kayi log hain jo Twitter pe abuse ka shikar ban chuke hain. (Camera zooms in) Lekin hamare beech mein aise bhi tim timate kisse hain jinhone yeh atyachar se ladne ki saahas ki. Milte hain Joy Das se
(Joy Das walks into the studio. Aamir shakes his hand and accompanies him to the seat)
Aamir Khan: Joy Das ji, you are also the victim of Twitter trolling
Joy Das: Yes
Aamir Khan: You have also been abused, given maa ben ki gaali by various sections
Joy Das: Yes
Aamir Khan: To aapne kya kiya?
Joy Das: Initially, like Justice Katju, I tried to ignore it. (camera pans to a lugubrious Justice Katju in the audience). But soon I realized that I must not be a victim. I remember it clearly. A troll gave me a particularly bad gaali, after which something just snapped inside me.
Aamir Khan: To aapne kya kiya?
Joy Das: I gave it back to him! I simply gave him gaalis he’d never have heard in his life!
Aamir Khan: Wah! Bahaut saahas laga hoga yeh karne mein aapko
Joy Das: Yes. But it worked! After that they ignored me! They did label me an asshole, but that was a small price to pay for the peace it bought me!
(Audience claps heartily)
Aamir Khan (turns to the camera): So doston jaise ki aapne dekha, it definitely takes some courage to take a stand, but once you do take the trolls head on, you’ll definitely win.
Aamir Khan: On this week’s SMS poll, we ask you “Should the government announce a law against Twitter trolls?” SMS ‘Y’ or ‘N’ to 5782711.Each SMS will cost you 1 Rupee, and the proceeds of all the SMSs will be given to the Weedout the Trolls Foundation (WTF) started by Joy Das that helps victims stand up to Twitter trolls. I request Joy Das to accept this donation from us. (Camera pans to Joy Das who’s grinning widely).
It is now close to an hour and the episode nears its end. The overhead camera comes into action, and the viewers are presented an aerial view of the studio. The camera slowly zooms in on the stage where a sole performer is seen holding the microphone with both hands close to his lips. It’s Rajdeep Sardesai performing a soulful rendition of his “Gnight” tweets.
“Pranab wanted to be PM, became Prez, PM wanted to be Prez, became FM. Gnight!”
“Ferrari vs BMW tonight in football. Hamari Maruti kab chalegi. Gnight!”
“No more tweeting, celebrate history in the making. Vamos. Gnight!”
Aamir Khan tilts his head in poignant appreciation and says ‘Wah wah’. The camera then pans to various faces in the crowd, first to an elderly gentleman who looks on solemnly, then to a woman who wipes away a tear, then to an expressionless Justice Katju, and finally to Joy Das who presents a picture of fortitude. Fade out.