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After giving clean chits to Home Minister P. Chidambaram on numerous occasions in the past, including one yesterday in the Aircel-Maxis deal, the Central Bureau of Investigation (CBI) has now decided to pre-allot clean chits for cases that are yet to be filed by Janata Party President Dr. Subramanian Swamy as well.
Justifying the move, CBI Director A.P. Singh said, “Well, it is really getting on our nerves, in spite of having a clean chit template prepared exclusively for Mr. Chidambaram. We would just be done painstakingly tailoring the template for a specific case against Mr. Chidambaram and looking to cool our heels off, when we would suddenly receive orders for another investigation into some other issue, thanks to the shenanigans of Dr. Subramanian Swamy. Frankly, we’ve got fed up of this, so we spent the past couple of days with the Home Minister and together prepared a list of all the crimes he could have committed that he could possibly think of. Our officials worked overtime to tailor the template and made plenty of versions, each one specific to a criminal offence from the list and they were finally done in the morning. So from now on, thankfully whenever Dr. Swamy files a case, we will have a clean chit ready, unless of course, he files a case for an offence which Mr. Chidambaram has failed to think of.”
When contacted about the issue, the Home Minister said “Well, I had no other choice. I tried pleading with Dr. Swamy but to no avail. I said to him, ‘plunge a dagger into my heart or question my integrity, but don’t get the CBI to investigate me. I even questioned him about how he can spare hundreds of ministers in the BJP but relentlessly pursue me. But the man simply wouldn’t listen. So I was driven to such measures. Now, if he still goes ahead and files cases against me, I can safely say, ‘Father, forgive him, for he knows not what he is doing’.”
When Dr. Subramanian Swamy was briefed about this development, he let out a roar of laughter and said, “Wow! In that case, let me switch to my plan S. I advise the CBI to prepare clean chits for themselves, because I will soon be filing cases against them too.”