TRANSCRIPT: UPA ministers meet up with High Command to discuss Cabinet reshuffle, power crisis etc.

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Sonia Gandhi and her ministers thrashing out solutions for the power crisis

What transpired in the UPA cabinet meeting held around the time the Northern and Eastern power grids crashed, plunging 620 million Indians into darkness? An UnReal Times scoop:

Its 7 pm. The furniture in 10 Janpath’s conference room is arranged differently today. The chairs are carefully set around the circular table but are directed outwards. Each chair has a piece of paper stuck to its top rail with what seems like cabinet portfolios written on them. ‘Finance Minister’, ‘Home Minister’, ‘Law Minister’ are some of the tags. A massive chair is set a few feet away from this arrangement of chairs, with a small teapoy next to it.

The door to the room swings open, and in come Sonia Gandhi, Rahul Gandhi, Manmohan Singh and the entourage of UPA cabinet ministers. Sonia walks towards the huge chair and makes herself comfortable in it, while the ministers stand with folded hands a few feet away.

Sonia: All right folks! It’s that time of the year again guys! I know you all have been eagerly waiting for it, particularly Rahul (points to Rahul who’s clapping and hopping excitedly with a goofy grin on his face) Yes, it’s time to play the Cabinet shuffle! Take your seats gentlemen!

The ministers whoop with joy, and scramble towards their respective chairs – each finding the one corresponding to their designation in the cabinet – Kapil Sibal sits on the chair marked Telecom, Chidambaram sits on the seat marked Finance, and so on. Dr. Singh watches the chaos with a beatific smile on his face.

Manmohan Singh (walks over to Sonia, smiling): It’s such fun to watch them play Sonia ji

Sonia: Oh, no! no! Manmohanji (gently pushes Dr. Singh towards the ministers) how can we play without you? Please join them!

The smile vanishes from Dr. Manmohan Singh’s face, and he slowly trudges towards the chair marked ‘Prime Minister’ and sits down with a glum expression

Sonia: Okay, now let me pick a good song to start the game…

Rahul (tugging at his mother’s arm): Let me pick, Mummy, please please, let me pick. You promised you’ll let me pick if I was good. And I was…please, let me pick!

Sonia: Okay baba, okay (runs a hand over his head and smiles fondly) go ahead and pick

Rahul squeals in glee and rushes towards the DVD player. He fiddles with a few DVDs and finally slips one into the player and turns towards the ministers.

Rahul (excitedly): Ready?

Ministers (in unison): Yes!

Rahul presses the Play button and Britney Spears’ “Oops I did it again” resonates in the room. The ministers leap up from their seats and start jogging one after the other around the arrangement in the clockwise direction. As the beats gather momentum, the ministers run faster and faster, making Rahul more and more excited. Just when Rahul is about to push the ‘Stop button’, the room plunges into darkness. The ministers, in a reflexive reaction, dive into the seats nearest to them.

Rahul: What just happened Mummy?

Sonia: Seems like a power-cut. Wait a second, let me ask Ahmed ji.

Sonia whips out her phone and rings up her secretary Ahmed Patel. She speaks on the phone with him for a while and hangs up with a grim expression on her face.

Sonia: Okay, it seems we have a problem. But first let’s get some light in. Does anyone of you have candles?

Chidambaram: Madam, I have some – got it from a policeman who snatched them from protesters at Jantar Mantar.

Everyone sniggers. The candles are passed around, and within minutes the room is filled with candlelight

Sonia: Okay. Now, it seems that the entire Northern and Eastern power grids have failed. Half the country has gone dark. Obviously this requires instant attention. (Scans the crowd) Shinde ji?

Sushil Kumar Shinde (puts up his hand): Present Madam!

Sonia: Do you have a solution?

Sushil Kumar Shinde (protests): But madam, but I’m no longer the Power Minister. The music stopped, and we all sat on our seats. From that moment on I have become the (turns to look at the tag on his chair) wow…Home Minister!

Sonia: Hmm. I see (ponders for a few seconds) If you are Home Minister, does Chidambaram ji now have Power by any chance?

Chidambaram: No Sonia ji, I have… let me see (glances at his tag and groans) Finance again!

Sonia (with a hint of frustration): Come on now, who’s sitting on the Power Minister chair?

No one speaks up. Irritated, she gets up and walks around to where the chair tagged ‘Power Minister’ is placed, and stares at the young lady sitting on it.

Sonia (angrily): Who the hell are you?

Lady: Umm.. I am Madhura Honey, Sonia ji..

Sonia (stares back blankly): Huh?? How the hell did you get here?

Madhura: Well, I happened to have a pass…

Sonia: Never mind (turns towards the door and yells) Guards! Show this lady the door

Rahul: Mummy, please let her stay (blushes and lowers his gaze shyly) she’s kinda cute.

Sonia (relenting): Umm… well, okay.

Manmohan Singh (points to the chair next to his): Madhura ji, you can sit next to me.

At this, Sharad Pawar angrily mouths ‘What?? Not again!’ and storms out of the room. Everybody ignores him.

Sonia (stands with hands on hips): Great. So now we have a huge crisis on our hand and no Power minister to handle it. Does anybody have any ideas?

Sonia waits for an entire minute for someone to speak up. No one does. The ministers sit with their heads bowed. Finally a hand goes up hesitatingly. It is Madhura’s.

Sonia (sighs): Yes, you… whatever your name is

Madhura Honey: I read in the papers a few months back that India buys power from Bhutan. Can’t we draw a little more from them right now until we figure out what went wrong?

Sonia (taken aback): Honey, that’s actually a good idea! Let’s do that. (turns to Veerappa Moily) Moily ji, you will handle power as well from now on. Please follow up on Madhura’s idea, and figure out what went wrong with the grids ASAP. (The minister nods. Sonia looks satisfied) Come on now, clear out all of you. It’s getting late for Rahul. I have to read him a story and tuck him in.

The ministers pay their respects to Sonia, and hastily file out of the room.

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