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Q: Mr. Shinde, congrats on your promotion. What do you think is the biggest challenge as Home Minister?
A: The biggest challenge is to defend our borders. I recently stumbled upon a world map. Every country seems to have a border. I don’t know if you guys realize this. It’s very, very hard to defend yourself when you have borders.
Q: That’s an amazing observation, filled with insight. Why is it so hard to defend our borders?
A: Defending borders is not easy because you tend to have foreign countries on the other side of the border. And they’re always trying to move the border when you’re not looking. For example, I noticed that there are foreign countries in the North East on the other side of our border. I plan to defend that border first. We will be monitoring closely to make sure no one moves the border.
Q: Mr. Shinde, we’re fortunate to have you in this important position. There are some people in the Congress party who are worried about you.
A: Let’s be candid. I think you’re referring to Digvijay Singh and Kapil Sibal. I think they are worried that I’ll steal their dumbass vote bank. I’m not worried. If I keep speaking my mind, the rest will follow automatically.
Q: You said that you were an excellent Power Minister. Would you like to add to that?
A: You see, Superman is gone. No one knows where he is. Even Batman has been retired by Chris Nolan. I think I’m the only fictional superhero left.
Q: Mr. Shinde, how do you plan to combat terrorism?
A: The biggest problem with terrorists today is that we don’t know where they are. I plan to issue ID cards to all terrorists who enter India. This will make it easier to track them. We will also have a pool of “immediate suspects,” who can be arrested within 48 hours of any attack in case we’re not able to track down these terrorists. Once you arrest someone, people are usually happy and move on with their lives.
Q: Sir, we satirists were worried when Abhishek Manu Singhvi retired from the public scene. But, God works in mysterious ways. He has given you to us. We sincerely hope that people will appreciate your genius some day. Many thanks for speaking to us.
In a separate statement, Prime Minister Manmohan Singh has revealed that he now regrets making Sushil Kumar Shinde the Home Minister, describing the decision as “an example of a good-natured prank that has gone too far.”
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