Indian Government appointed committee gives recommendations to increase medal tally in 2016 Olympics

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Just after the conclusion of London Olympics, the Government of India set up a committee to review India’s performance and make recommendations for the future. The UnReal Times brings you the summary of the committee’s recommendations:

1. The committee recommends that Rahul Gandhi be the flag-bearer for India at the Olympics in 2016. Rahul Gandhi has all the potential and ability to lead the flag march at an ‘appropriate’ time. However, the committee also notes that Rahul alone will decide when he wants to carry the flag – it might be before, during or after the Olympics. Dr.Manmohan Singhji is expected to take care of the flag till Rahul is ready but he will not be allowed to wave it, since that is the prerogative of the Nehru-Gandhi scion.

2. The committee also noted that big African-origin men consistently excel in track-and-field events. The committee agrees with the suggestion of Kamaal Khan, an expert on the topic, and recommends daily use of ‘Sande ka tel’ for Indian track-and-field male athletes.

3. The committee would like to commend the country for staying ahead of Michael Phelps in the overall Olympic medals tally. This has once again proved the long held belief in India that the country is bigger than any one man.

4. The committee recommends reservations for backward classes, SCs and STs in proportion to their population and 5 per cent reservation for Muslims in the next contingent. India has always believed that Olympics is about participation and winning is secondary and it is imperative that all sections be representative of India’s plurality. The Indian government should take up the matter with International Olympic Committee (IOC) and strongly recommend reservations in medals for peoples of backward nations.

5. The committee has noted that 90% of Indians are fools as suggested by some eminent Indians. It recommends that the future athletes be selected from the rest 10% of the people. However, it also notes that the figure of 10% is not a mathematical figure and it can also be 13% or 29% and the number is not important. Some of our finest athletes are also the most superstitious. The committee recommends that, in the future, only non-superstitious athletes with scientific temper be selected.

6. The committee invited comments from various ministries and civil society. It received comments like ‘no gold medal is not the failure to win a gold medal’, ‘there is zero loss in losing all the matches’, ‘global factors are responsible’, ‘our fundamentals are strong’, ‘Mary Kom is from Haryana’, ‘jan lokpal can alone win us more medals’, ‘there is enough gold in the swiss banks to give a gold medal to everyone’, ‘Soniaji Zindabad’, ‘the country needs Rahul Gandhi’ and others. The committee expresses its gratitude for their contribution.

7. The committee has learnt that the Indians’ fascination for gold is preventing them from winning gold medals. A kid who grows up watching so much gold around him can hardly be expected to be fascinated by a gold medal that is not even pure gold. The committee recommends the setting up of a study group under chairmanship of Shri Bappi Lahari to suggest a way out of this paradox.

8. The two most successful countries at the Olympics have deployed different models for achieving success; America: being rich, strong sports culture, infrastructure at all levels, selling the great American dream etc and China – nationalism, brutal regimen at state-run training centers, diving etc. However, India’s gift to global peace, the non-alignment movement, dictates that we abstain from emulating or aligning with any of these two countries at the opposite ends of the Olympic cold war. The committee recommends that we continue this policy and preserve our sovereignty and values.

9. The committee also noted that the medal winning athletes got spooked by blank calls after their presentation ceremonies. It is learnt that the blank calls were, in fact, congratulatory calls from our Prime Minister Dr.Manmohan Singh. The PMO later released statements conveying his message. The PM might actually speak to them when, as usual, he finds his voice during foreign trips. The matter is now laid to rest.

10. The committee received many suggestions in heavy brown bags on how to increase private investment in sports infrastructure in the country. Based on the suggestions, the committee recommends that the government enter into PPP partnerships with the likes of Ambanis, Jindals, Ruias etc. and give them prime land, tax breaks, interest free loans, under-priced coal blocks, free spectrum and any other resources to develop infrastructure to provide the common man with cheap and easy access to sports.

11. We must realize that the Olympics motto “Faster, Higher, Stronger” is an outdated western concept in pursuit of materialistic and artificial excellence. India is proud of her culture and should guard against this rat-race for excellence and strive to only grow at a pace that is comfortable without disturbing her rich and diverse cultural fabric. After all, excellence is but a state of mind.

(Reported by Special Correspondent Ajayendar Reddy)

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