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After having been shadowed by the popular petrol for years, diesel finally had its moment of glory, when the government decided to hike the diesel prices by Rs.5/liter. The decision was taken at a meeting of the Comic Club for Political Artists Cabinet Committee on Political Affairs (CCPA) headed by Dr. Manmohan Singh.
Ramesh Srivats, a popular twitterati and blogger made a bold statement, calling diesel the “Rahul Dravid of fuel” who now rightfully got its due. Dravid congratulated not only the government, but also the journalist fraternity in an emotional comment. “Kudos to the government, but it’s only because of you guys that people all over would get to know of diesel’s importance as well,” said Dravid with tears in his eyes, before returning to his garden wall to complete a graffiti saying ‘Diesel Rules’.
Beni Prasad Verma was amongst the first to welcome the move. “Any price rise is always good for a country. This will lead to increased fares, cylinder prices, etc, which will lead to more revenues for the ones selling them. All simple economics really,” winked a proud Verma as he offered our reporter a high-five.
While on the face of it, the government raised the diesel prices to rein in its fiscal deficit, other theories were unraveled by this UnReal reporter.
Some sources claimed this was done to rebuke the oft-used phrase ‘policy-paralysis’, against the government. “I know Dr. Singh’s stance, speech and demeanor all lead one to believe that he’s indeed paralyzed, or maybe even in a coma; this hike is to show all our critics that we are indeed moving,” said a smug PMO official. Manmohan Singh did not reply to any calls or text messages on this subject. Reliable sources claim this could be because his phone was kept on silent mode.
Conspiracy theories have also been built around Arindam Chaudhari, who is said to have surreptitiously run the course “Dare to think beyond petrol”. Many ministry officials, several leaders from Shiromani Akali Dal and former President Pratibha Patil had signed up for it when promised international exposure.
Yet another conspiracy theory blames the Indian Oil Companies – who have long been clamoring about their under recovery – for orchestrating the hike. Reports are that the idea was planted in the PM’s mind on his flight to Iran last month. “We had tried multiple times to make the government understand our problem, but all of it fell on deaf ears. But after watching Inception, we knew this was our only way out. The sound sleep our PM had, away from the problems at home, provided the perfect settings for the procedure.”
Meanwhile, the opposition lambasted the government on the 6 cylinder per family limit. “This is ridiculous. The government is clearly giving an impetus to nuclear families, as the joint ones will lose out in the 6 cylinder equation. Also, parents will now force their sons to get married early so that 6 more cylinders can be asked for. We are certainly looking at a population explosion here”, Arun Jaitley clearly explained his logic and for the 1,56,834th time demanded the PM’s immediate resignation.
Mamata Banerjee also gladly joined the uproar. “This decizaan is anti pipaal, and iph this cantinuze, we bheel rollback aaour suppot,” an irate Ms. Banerjee said as she threatened to use the M-word for the government.