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Walmart, which has been lobbying hard to raise the FDI cap in multi-brand retail, will now be allowed 100% investment in the sensitive sector after it came to light that the founders of Walmart have Indian ancestry. Mike Duke, the CEO of Wal-Mart has claimed in a latest press release that Sam Walton the “dude” who started Wal-Mart and his family, which controls more than 50% stakes in Wal-Mart, is the descendant of a long lost Red Indian Cherokee tribe. If the reports are correct, Walmart will be able to circumvent the FDI rules and we could see Wal-Mart stores in India before the next parliament session.
“Yes, we would like to move fast and use the first mover advantage. The best part is we straight away get 12.5% of the market share by default and before these chaps realize their mistake and bring a retrospective law we have to setup shop. As per the current Indian laws Sam Walton’s ancestors were Indians as well as tribals and that’s about it,” said one of the lawyers of Wal-Mart legal department.
“We have tried almost everything so far and the Indian government was playing spoilsport with us. It was frustrating in the beginning and then suddenly it dawned up on us that they were in fact mentoring us with the ways of the FORCE in this part of world. With pure competitive spirit alone we can never win the hearts of Indians. Getting a reservation and back door entry is part and parcel of the culture here. I mean we are talking about a culture where not everyone has to really compete to get something, not even for getting a bride. You just need to be born and then the government and parents will take care of everything. Don’t you think that’s just awesome? It’s about time somebody stood up and proved people like Darwin and Porter wrong; the Indians have done that in style,” claimed Robinson Walton, chairman of Wal-Mart Inc.
Just to be sure that their strategy is full proof, Wal-Mart has already got a Tahsildar to certify that Sam Walton belonged to the Cherokhee community. “All we needed to do was pay Rs.500 to get the attestation. To think of it in the end, the solution was so simple and right in front of us, when in fact we were wasting millions of dollars on these politicians to pass the FDI in retail bill and unnecessarily getting ourselves involved in a potpourri of new scams,” said Robinson in a disgruntled tone.
“I was always proud of our tribe and culture but I have never been happier to be called a “desi” girl. I am happy that we found an elegant, economical and ethical solution to our problems in India,” cooed Alice Walton, the daughter of Sam Walton with moist eyes. “And I’m told that in addition to being Indians, we also belong to what they call a Scheduled Tribe so our business will get a lot of tax concessions and guaranteed Government off-take,” she added.
The sudden developments have startled many veterans in retail industry. Companies like Target, Carrefour and Lidl have now setup special teams to find their ancestry, resulting in #whosmydad becoming one of the top trending terms on Twitter. Meanwhile, babus in the Ministry of Finance are frantically trying to figure out whether Cherokhee Indians are OBC, ST or members of a minority community.
(Reported by special correspondent, Balesh Lakshminarayanan)