In wake of Coal, Thorium scams, Periodic Table to be rearranged on basis of corresponding UPA scam


Renowned international journal, ‘What Ho!’, has reported that elements of the Periodic Table may be rearranged on the basis of the magnitude of the corresponding government scam.  A report on its website states:

“In light of new revelations around the ‘thorium scam’, scientists have decided to re-arrange elements in the periodic table based on the size of UPA scams for the corresponding element rather than their atomic numbers. A spokesperson for the International Society of Chemists said, “This would be a lot easier to memorize. But, we’re a bit foxed as to where to place the noble gases. It’s quite possible that the enthusiastic looting spree of the UPA cabinet might result in discovery of new elements.”

Confirming the authenticity of the news report, Shri Sibal, who had previously held the Science & Technology portfolio in UPA-1, said he had instructed the CAG to redouble its efforts to estimate the size of scams associated with elements belonging to Lanthanides, Actinides, Halogens, Transition Metals and other categories in the Periodic Table.

“CAG has assured me that they will expedite their work for the sake of science. These are heady times for students of chemistry, man, with so many scams tumbling out. Zero loss for exchequer and incalculable gain for the scientific community,” raved Shri Sibal, grinning from ear to ear.

CAG chief Vinod Rai said his organization will try its best. “The iron ore and coal scams did help us establish a beach-head in the Periodic Table but I was skeptical of running through other groups. But with the unraveling of the Thorium scam, I’m confident my boys are up to the task,” said the CAG supremo.

It could get even better. The recently uncovered multi-crore granite scam has covered new ground in the earth sciences. “It’s a significant development. Now, we can move beyond elements into compounds and beyond compounds into minerals. I hope the CAG can zero in on scams in the allocations of limestone, mica, bauxite as well,” noted the Minister of state for Mines with independent charge, Shri Dinsha Patel.

However, IIPM Dean and economist of some standing, Dr. Arindam Chaudhry, has dared the Government to think beyond elements, compounds and minerals. “Coal scam is passé, boss. Get into the allotropes, such as Graphite scam and Diamond scam, followed by isotopes,” he said during a convocation speech, throwing the gauntlet at the UPA Government.

Sibal has counseled patience and promised scams of divine proportions in years to come. “As the economy expands and new technologies come to fruition, we will uncover multi trillion dollar scams in sub-atomic particles too. I see the Higgs-Boson scam breaking out by 2050 after we commence commercial exploitation of the God particle,” he predicted.

However, pundits have pointed out that had the UPA Government partnered with the scientific community in conducting experiments involving collisions of atoms in the Large Hadron Collider, the Higgs-Boson scam could have seen light of day in 2012 itself.

UnReal Mama

About UnReal Mama

Ek chatur naar badee hoshiyaar, apane hee jaal me phasat jaat ham hasat jaat are ho ho ho ho ho!

  • Ashwin


  • Arpan

    This is mind-blasting stuff!!! Higgs-Boson scam !!! Brilliant !!!

    BTW, has unrealtimes got anything to do with whatho? I mean are you guys linked?

    • Unreal Mama

      We derive inspiration from What Ho

  • Lokesh Bahety

    Superb man! Worth applauding how you got such hilarious punches in even this seemingly dead topic. Loved every bit of it :D

    • Unreal Mama

      hehe thanks bro

  • Hemant Dubey

    Hilarious!! I was almost choked with laughter.. :) really awesome..

  • Krishna. R

    Chidu chides Sibal – Reveals his new-found Chidhambara-Ragasiyam, – invents an alternative theory and baptizes, the Chidu Secret…..
    Reacting to the realignment story published in the UnReal Times, the fisco-scientifico-chemistry Department head at UPA 2 (read as University Plunder Assets 2)in his inimitable way challenged the self-proclaimed Scientist Sibal and his new theory to ensure ”incalculable income to scientific community”. Mr. Chidu continued, …’’Sibalji reveals himself to be le nouveau vin in ancienne bouteille (=new wine in old bottle); he is not able to tune himself to new reaities and facts – in modern Indian verbiage ‘’zero’’ means not the Aryabhata NIL! Sibalji cannot even interpret correctly the concept of out Great fore father, he exasperated and continued….In 498 AD, Indian mathematician and astronomer Aryabhata stated that “sthānāt sthānaṁ daśaguņaṁ syāt” (literally, “place to place in ten times in value”)….Under my guidance and directions, my fellow scientists Maun Man Coalsington, Rahul kalamG and Sona IG, have invented new metals named coalamide – metal identifiable but can-be-used without being used, Rabauxide – that may appear to exist without actually existing; Soniamyte – more fatal than dynamite – a nature found bomb whose destructive power is immeasurable! – through these discoveries our Department has proved even Aryabhata wrong! This latter’s theory has been re-adjusted to the present day reality ‘’place to place BY ten times in value’’ thus discovering the new value of zero to be 100! I have made sustained efforts only not to de-stabilize the periodic table and I proposed and accepted that in front of every atomic value of every member of the periodic table a constant C (read the Chidu Constant or the Congress Constant or even le Con Constant = the idiotic constant.) Thus the atomic value will stand unchanged and the constant will be the formula-factor to calculate the price of any precious metal. It will suffice just to multiply the atomic value by 100 or the new value of zero and the resultant product to be handed over to my department which will take care of the distribution thus ensuring that the value of the metal remains unchanged in the periodic table! Mr.Chidu concluded by saying…Oh Father in Heaven, pardon Sibal and protect my Department for many like Sibal know not the real policy of UPA 2 and bless me and my integrity! Many murmured the next noble price for chemistry will be Indian!

  • Fan

    Don’t degrade the quality of URT by publishing such crap articles. This is a copied idea and the joke was cracked by well known and legend comedian Jaspal Bhatti on Twitter. See this and please remove this article if you want people to respect you. You should NOT encourage plagiarism.

    • Unreal Mama

      Not really my friend :) It’s not unusual for more than one to think of the same joke. Appreciate your input nevertheless.

  • SKC

    What about the Dhobium scam? (under pricing of dhobi ghat space) or the
    Dobium scam? (date of birth manipulation) or
    Tom-Yum scam?? (illegal immigration racket to Thailand:)

  • agyaat

    “multi-crore granite scam has covered new ground in the earth sciences.”

    Now was that a pun or a bad re-call of uncovered new grounds?