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Renowned international journal, ‘What Ho!’, has reported that elements of the Periodic Table may be rearranged on the basis of the magnitude of the corresponding government scam. A report on its website states:
“In light of new revelations around the ‘thorium scam’, scientists have decided to re-arrange elements in the periodic table based on the size of UPA scams for the corresponding element rather than their atomic numbers. A spokesperson for the International Society of Chemists said, “This would be a lot easier to memorize. But, we’re a bit foxed as to where to place the noble gases. It’s quite possible that the enthusiastic looting spree of the UPA cabinet might result in discovery of new elements.”
Confirming the authenticity of the news report, Shri Sibal, who had previously held the Science & Technology portfolio in UPA-1, said he had instructed the CAG to redouble its efforts to estimate the size of scams associated with elements belonging to Lanthanides, Actinides, Halogens, Transition Metals and other categories in the Periodic Table.
“CAG has assured me that they will expedite their work for the sake of science. These are heady times for students of chemistry, man, with so many scams tumbling out. Zero loss for exchequer and incalculable gain for the scientific community,” raved Shri Sibal, grinning from ear to ear.
CAG chief Vinod Rai said his organization will try its best. “The iron ore and coal scams did help us establish a beach-head in the Periodic Table but I was skeptical of running through other groups. But with the unraveling of the Thorium scam, I’m confident my boys are up to the task,” said the CAG supremo.
It could get even better. The recently uncovered multi-crore granite scam has covered new ground in the earth sciences. “It’s a significant development. Now, we can move beyond elements into compounds and beyond compounds into minerals. I hope the CAG can zero in on scams in the allocations of limestone, mica, bauxite as well,” noted the Minister of state for Mines with independent charge, Shri Dinsha Patel.
However, IIPM Dean and economist of some standing, Dr. Arindam Chaudhry, has dared the Government to think beyond elements, compounds and minerals. “Coal scam is passé, boss. Get into the allotropes, such as Graphite scam and Diamond scam, followed by isotopes,” he said during a convocation speech, throwing the gauntlet at the UPA Government.
Sibal has counseled patience and promised scams of divine proportions in years to come. “As the economy expands and new technologies come to fruition, we will uncover multi trillion dollar scams in sub-atomic particles too. I see the Higgs-Boson scam breaking out by 2050 after we commence commercial exploitation of the God particle,” he predicted.
However, pundits have pointed out that had the UPA Government partnered with the scientific community in conducting experiments involving collisions of atoms in the Large Hadron Collider, the Higgs-Boson scam could have seen light of day in 2012 itself.