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Choosing not to appear for any public interview despite several pleas from journalists and media houses of repute, Robert Vadra – after an irresistible offer from Amitabh Bachchan – landed on the studios of KBC instead, to answer some of the burning questions the nation has in store for him. Considering his stature, the rules of the game were tweaked a little for the builder built Gandhi son-in-law; the first padaav began at 50 lakhs and the 15th question was worth 300 crores, all in random increments.
Here are excerpts from the war of words between the Big B and the Big V.
Amitabh Bachchan: Welcome to the show Vadra ji. It’s a pleasure to have you here.
Vadra: Like everything else, the pleasure is all mine sir.
AB: Haha! You sure do have a zany sense of humour Vadra ji. So are you ready for the first question?
Vadra: Absolutely. Bring it on.
AB: For 50 lakh rupees, here is the first question.
1. Which is the most electrifying piece of commentary ever used in the IPL?
1. Citi moment of succes
2. Karbon Kamaal Katch
3. DLF Maximum
4. No comments
Vadra: Well ideally I would evade the question and go for ‘no comments’, but I would go for C on this one. DLF Maximum. Please lock them in err..i mean please lock option C.
AB: Computer ji, please lock option C, DLF Maximum (after some music) RIGHT ANSWER! Well played Vadra ji. For 2 crore rupees, here’s the next one on your computer screen
2. How did the ugly frog become a handsome prince?
1. With the kiss of a princess
2. Cosmetics bought on unsecured loans
3. With a leap from Moradabad to Delhi
4. Wrong question. Ugly once, ugly forever
Vadra: Hmm..this one is a little difficult. Let me think
AB: You only have 20 seconds left.
Vadra: (With a mocking smile) You really think so? STOP THE TIMER!
The ticks stop immediately. Complaints by AB on how this could happen were not entertained by the producers.
AB (sighs): You have all 4 of your lifelines left. You could use them if you like.
Vadra: Let me go for the audience poll.
The results of the poll are 85% D & 15% B.
AB: Wohoho! 85% people believe an ugly frog stays ugly for life. Do you want to go with them?
Vadra: No way! What do these mango people know about ugly frogs, anyway. I would go with A, the kiss of a princess.
AB: Computer ji, please lock option A. (After a minute of silence) Well played Vadra ji, you have won yourself 2 crores rupees.
After a few more questions, they reach question no.13 for 65 crore rupees.
AB: Big money at stake Vadra ji. Here’s your next question for 65 crore rupees.
13. What is such event called where something that we want to hide is uncovered unintentionally?
1. Vadra malfunction
2. Rakhi ka Swayambhar
4. Just another day at office
Vadra: I would like to phone a friend. Dial Mr. K P Singh please.
AB: Computer ji, connect to Mr. K P Singh please. So, is he a friend of yours, or some relative?
Vadra: Well, he’s more of a friend with benefits.
AB: Oh I see. (K P Singh picks up the call and AB explains the situation)
Vadra: So which option do I go for KP?
KP: Well I am clueless. Why don’t we do this, I will buy you out of this question with the 65 crore it is worth. You can pay me later.
Vadra: Yeah that sounds cool. Thanks. Next question please.
Vadra: N.E.X.T question please.
AB (with a resigned look): Oh okay. For 150 crores rupees, here is the next question.
14. What is the best way to get an irate Kejriwal off your back?
1. Ask him where’s his party tonight
2. Keep quiet: Silence is the best offense.
3. Sing “Tujhko Mirchi lagi to main kya karuun”
4. Call Sasumaa for help
Vadra: Can I consult the expert?
AB: Sure. Let me bring in our expert for the day, Anna Hazare. (Screen flashes a serene Hazare) Welcome to the show Anna.
Vadra: So Anna, what do you think is the best way to get Kejri off my back?
Anna: I don’t care how you get him off, just make sure he doesn’t carry my name, or photographs as he flees.
Vadra (rolls his eyes): Yeah whatever. I think I will go with Option B and do a Manmohan on Arvind. Lock it please.
AB: (Locks Option B and after 2 minutes of drama discloses the answer) B is the right answer! You have won 150 crores Robert. Just one question away from 300 crores now. What does it feel like?
Vadra: Oh I am pumped alright.
AB: For 300 crores, 15th question, here it is.
15. How do monkeys behave in a banana republic?
1. I scratch your back, you scratch mine.
2. Throw peels for others to slip on.
3. Attack the mango people.
4. Teri monkey!
Vadra: Hey this one looks familiar. Can I have a look into a mirror please?
AB: Eh! A mirror? I am not sure. Well, what the heck, here you are. (A staff bring Vadra a full size mirror on a roller)
Vadra: (Looking into the mirror) Mirror, mirror on the wall..let me see how I evolve.
AB: Mr. Vadra, can you please explain this to us?
Vadra: Oh would you just shut up? (continues his rhyme. Suddenly a scene appears in the mirror with 2 monkeys sitting together scratching each other’s back)
YES! YES! Thank you O mirror. I would go with Option A Mr. Bachchan.
AB: Computer ji, please lock A. (After yet another session of his shenanigans, AB discloses the answer)
Option A is right. You have won 300 crores Vadra ji!
Vadra: Wow, what took me 3 years didn’t take even 3 hours here. Thanks Amit ji.
AB: Congratulations Vadra ji, and my heartiest congratulations also to the trust that shall get this entire amount.
Vadra: Wait, what?
AB: As we had discussed, all this money goes to an NGO.
Vadra: We never had any such discussion.
AB: You should read the fine prints a little more carefully Vadra ji.
Vadra runs out of the studio with wails of Sasuuma echoing all through the studio.
AB: And now let me welcome the man whose NGO, India Against Corruption, receives this grand sum today, Mr. Arvind Kejriwal!
Kejriwal: (makes a heroic entry from behind makeshift curtains and says in a hushed tone) Wassup b**ches! *wink*