In a revelation of epic proportions, Goddess Durga – the driving force behind a week long festive frenzy in Kolkata – is reported to have cancelled her visit to Planet Earth this season, on the eve of her expected arrival. Speaking to our UnReal correspondent of heavenly affairs, Naarad Swargmani, the Goddess shed some light on Her shocking decision. “Every edition of the Divine Times that I read has the same earthly stories. Corruption here, scams there. Will you people get a life, for heaven’s sake! There’s no way I am descending to your planet and its levels. For all you know, some Puja committee might be orchestrating scams under my name. Who’s to say the Kalmadis haven’t made their way into this arena as well?” thundered the feared demon slayer.
Lord Ganesha, fresh from his visit to Maharashtra echoed His mother’s views. “You see, mom has a valid point. Even my outing was terrible during this year’s Ganesh Chaturthi. The people queued in line talked of the scams, even as they fought for a glimpse of my idol. Not cool man. I think I need a holiday,” sulked the elephantine Lord, before whizzing away on His mouse for a world tour.
Startled by the Goddesses’ absence at the eleventh hour, the organizers rushed into an emergency meeting to decide the further course of action. “We have unanimously decided to take Mayawati ji’s help to bail us out this time. She will play Maa Durga for two reasons: First, she has the tough image that is required to match the Goddess, and second we can easily replace the Durga idols in the pandals with Mayawati ji’s readily available idols,” they informed of the meeting’s outcome.
A flabbergasted Mamata Banerjee on taking cognizance of the news, driven by her natural instincts, referred to Maa Durga with another M word, before apologizing for the blasphemy. “This is bhery unfaartunate for the peepul of Bengol. Without, ‘Maa’, Maati and Maanush they whould bhe incaamplete. The centaar should tek responsibhility phor this,” screamed Didi in despair, and simultaneously asked her PA to cancel all her Puja Pandal inaugurations.
The Badshah of Bollywood and the ambassador of West Bengal, Shahrukh Khan looked bitterly disappointed as he reacted to the celestial news with a loud “Holy S***!”
“I was really looking forward to a combo celebration of KKR’s win and Dussera with Korbo Lorbo Jeetbo themed pandals. Will have to work around Diwali now I guess…talking of Diwali, Jab Tak hai Jaan is realeasing on Diwali too. You know it’s a one of a kind movie, romance like never before. Just released the first song’s promo, sung by Rabbi, all sons of sardars should like this as well. Yash uncle has really…” reeled off King Khan in one breath before being stopped by a security guard for trespassing into an under construction pandal.
Ace director and member of the 100 crore club, Rohit Shetty didn’t miss this opportunity to take potshots at others and blamed the new era of meaningful cinema for the development. “Who the hell asked them to make sensible movies like ‘Oh! My God’. Face the consequences now. A movie should be a no brainer just like me errr..my movies,” he reasoned.
With the corruption charges on UPA now coming from transcended sources, Congress spokesperson Manish Tiwari – for a change – came prepared for his press interaction. “There is no reason to worry. We have already requested Amish Tripathi, author of ‘Shiva Trilogy’ to call the Mahadev and ask him to convince His wife,” he apprised.