Mr. Tuglaq Bhat claimed that landing on the moon and walking on it was a disgusting conspiracy by the U.S. and the West to undermine the feelings of the Pakistani people. Holding up a brand new flag of Pakistan at the press conference, he said, “Look at this beautiful Pakistan flag. Look at our beloved moon. Now tell me. Isn’t walking on the moon and maligning it a deliberate attempt to hurt the sentiments of the peace loving people of Pakistan? These Pakistani-baiters must pay for this.” He demanded that America should remove its flag from the Moon to assuage the hurt sentiments of Pakistanis.
When informed by The UnReal Times that Neil Armstrong had recently passed away, the Minister laughed it off as a conspiracy. He said, “Our President Zaradari recently had a pull-aside meeting with Iran’s President Ahmedinejad at the UNGA where he made it clear to our President that Neil Armstrong’s death is a lie and he is alive and well. Ahmedinejad has promised to get to the bottom of this conspiracy. His gut feeling is that Armstrong is planning an attack on Iran’s Nuclear Reactors.”
Meanwhile, the press officer at the news conference informed everyone that Difa-e-Pakistan has announced a long march to protest against America’s continuing hegemonic actions. After burning numerous vehicles, restaurants and movie halls along the way, Hafeez Saeed will lead the protesters to Islamabad where they shall burn American flags and organize a wall-climbing contest on the U.S.Embassy compound wall. The participants were informed that American flags, lighters, petrol and tyres shall be arranged for them but they have to bring their own climbing gear.
When The UnReal Times reporter asked him about the timing of this offer more than 40 years after the event, he said that he became aware of America’s true colours only recently after the killing of Osama Bin Laden on Pakistan’s soil. “There can be no other reason for such a heinous act than the deliberate undermining of Pakistan’s sovereignty,” Mr.Bhat thundered. He also said that the stunning success of the recent Youm-e-Ishq-e-Rasool (Day of love for Prophet) in Pakistan proved to the world that Pakistan is truly a great world power. He demanded that Zardari declare coming Friday as Youm-e-Ishq-e-Chand to protest against America.
Mr.Tuglaq Bhat also called upon the rest of the astronauts who claimed to have walked on the moon to apologize and declare that they had, in fact, never been on the moon. “Otherwise, a bounty shall be declared on them also,” he warned.
Explaining his rationale for offering the bounty on just Neil and Edwin, he said, “Nobody knows who these other people are. The offer was made on Neil and Edwin because it was they who made the disgusting act of walking on the moon fashionable. Neutralizing them will teach the world what a great power Pakistan has become.”
The Minister ended the conference by announcing a mission to the Stars of America. He declared that after the revolutionary invention of water-car by one of its scientists, Pakistan has become the world’s greatest innovator. The ‘Flag The American Stars’ mission will identify precisely which stars are represented on the American flag and Pakistan would “fly individual missions to all those stars and plant the Pakistani flag on each one of them.” He said that Pakistanis can truly look forward to the day when even the stars would have to bow to its technological achievements.