Indian politician accepts all allegations of corruption; media, civil society activists flummoxed

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In a shocking and bewildering incident of unprecedented proportions, a prominent Indian politician has accepted all charges and allegations leveled against him by anti-corruption activist Arvind Kejriwal, confounding both the feisty anti-graft crusader and media in the process.

India Against Corruption (IAC) is now struggling to mount an adequate response after the politician unabashedly admitted to abuse of power by taking bribes in exchange of administrative favours. “Arre yaar! Ab kya kaaren? Sab gadbad ho gaya! What should I do now? No fasts, no gheraoing, no dharnas, no anshans, no going to jail, nothing! What will I do?” cried Kejriwal. The activist even approached veteran Anna Hazare for guidance, but all he got from the Gandhian was, “Only one politician?”

A pall of gloom has descended over television news rooms as well, with leading news anchors sinking into depression. A distraught CNN-IBN editor-in-chief Rajdeep Sardesai said, “I can’t believe it yaar! I was all set to receive feed from Bhupendra Chaube about this person repeating the ‘allegations are baseless. I completely deny them’ cliche or the ‘they’re utterly false and defamatory’ one and continue the drill – air the news and get warm with a glass of sweet Old Monk to round off another great day with a ‘gnite’ tweet.”

“But what happened has left me completely stumped – this politico has accepted all charges and allegations with a smiling face! We don’t know how to air it now! I mean, we can’t just say ‘politician accepts all charges’ and leave it at that. For that’ll leave the whole country surprised too! We’ve got to add the right mix of drama and masala – Sigh! This night’s gonna be long and without Old Monk, it’s gonna seem like a year,” before heading over to comfort a glum Sagarika Ghose.

NDTV’s Barkha Dutt also expressed her shock from the United States, tweeting, “Heard about the Indian politician who accepted all allegations against him. So sick, yaa.”  Nidhi Razdan for once struggled to discern the larger picture out of all this and cancelled her show for the day.

The only media-person to remain unfazed was a nonchalant Arnab Goswami, who shrugged his shoulders and said, “Well, makes no difference to me whether it’s acceptance or denial. I don’t let anyone speak anyway,” as he was heading out to play guitar hero in a local club. “My vocal chords have just warmed up with The Newshour, man! I’m gonna unleash them in the club,” said Arnab as he entered the club to find everyone with cotton plugs in their ears.

However, the mystery was unravelled when The UnReal Times reporter Rajniti Sarkarwala caught up with the politician, who said, “This was just a big prank jointly played by the BJP and Congress to have a good laugh at the media and Kejriwal’s expense. No such politician exists, of course. It was a hoax.”

Nitin Gadkari and Robert Vadra emerged from the background, struggling to control their laughter. “For once, just for once, we ended up making them look stupid rather than the other way round. HA HA HA,” whooped Gadkari, high-fiving Vadra.

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