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A lot of polluted water has flown down the Yamuna since Arvind Kejriwal leveled allegations of wrongdoing against the country’s first son-in-law, Shri Robert Vadra, and the then Union Minister for Law, Shri Salman Khurshid. Their capers have been eclipsed by the shenanigans of Shri Nitin Gadkari, Shri Khurshid has been promoted to handle the country’s external affairs, and it is safe to say that the country has moved on, as old scams make way for new ones and life goes on as it always has in this ancient and wondrous land of the Bharatas.
To celebrate the upswing in fortunes and unwind a bit, Shri Salman Khurshid invited Shri Robert Vadra over to his estate in Farrukhabad to watch the Aamir Khan blockbuster, Ghajini. Khurshid household’s domestic help, Usman Farukkhabadi, who is actually an undercover Unreal Times reporter, mailed us this transcript of what transpired that day:
Robert Vadra walks into the hall and embraces Salman Khurshid affectionately.
Robert Vadra: Thank you for inviting me to this private screening, Salman bhai. What are we watching?
Salman Khurshid: You are most welcome Robert! I thought we could celebrate the short-term memory loss of the government, the media and our beloved countrymen. What better way to do it than sitting back, relaxing and watching Aamir Khan’s Ghajini with a tub of popcorn?
The two break into laughter and high-five each other
Robert Vadra: Good stuff, man! I’ve got something for you too… (hands him a large sack) please accept this – a sack full of ripe mangoes from DLF’s latest sprawling, state-of-the-art banana market!
Khurshid bites into one of the mangoes, closes his eyes and goes mmm…
Robert Vadra: Succulent, eh?
The two laugh uproariously for a few minutes and then settle in front of the television. Salman slips in the Ghajini DVD and makes himself comfortable on the sofa-set.
Salman Khurshid: I absolutely love this movie, man! It is so me – the way the guy uses only ink earlier on, as an urban, suave chap and soon enough, certain circumstances force him to lose his cool and work with blood! How realistic!
Robert Vadra (with a mouthful of popcorn): I hear ya, brother.
Suddenly, there’s a commotion at the gate. An angry Sushil Kumar Shinde gatecrashes into the premises.
Robert Vadra: You? What are you doing here?
Sushil Shinde: Ingrates! I’m the one who propounded the public memory is short theory! And you guys have the audacity to leave me out of this screening?! You know I will shoot you, if Soniaji tells me to, don’t you?!
Salman Khurshid: LOL! If you are ready to shoot for her, I’m also ready to die for her, moron!
Louise Khurshid (serving coffee to the guests, frowns at Salman): Hmph!
Salman Khurshid: Er…I’ll die for you too, my love!
Robert Vadra (irritated): Cool down guys. Let’s just sit down and watch this movie. Here Shinde, suck on this (throws him a mango).
Before they could resume the movie, there’s the sound of footsteps, and the trio turn to find Sharad Pawar standing at the door with a pained expression
Salman Khurshid: Welcome Pawar ji. Come in and make yourself comfortable.You are the 2nd uninvited guest for this screening of Ghajini.
At this, Sharad Pawar’s face darkens in anger
Sharad Pawar: 2nd huh? I’m going.
Salman Khurshid (jumps up from his seat, wags a finger at Sharad Pawar and laughs hysterically): TUM FARRUKHABAD AA TO JAOGE, WAAPAS KAISE JAOGE?
Pawar looks at Khurshid as if he’s stupid, turns on his heel and storms out of the gate – past Raja and Kalmadi who had just entered the compound. They walk in even as Salman Khurshid is still wagging his finger at the door.
Raja (indignantly): Badava rascals, what is this, I say! How can you celebrate short term memory loss, without inviting the guy at the center of the mother of all forgotten scams?
Kalmadi (angrily): And how can you not invite me? This movie is actually based on me! (he stares angrily at Khurshid for a few seconds, after which his eyes take on a blank expression) Hey! Where am I? Who am I? Who are you all?
Salman Khurshid (rolls his eyes): Yaar Kalmadi, you don’t have to do all this. You are among friends.
Kalmadi (back to his normal self): Oh, okay.
Salman Khurshid: Come, sit all of you. Let’s shut the door, eat some popcorn and watch the movie.
Salman Khurshid slams the door shut. The five leaders happily munch on and watch the TV screen. Five minutes into the movie, there’s a knock at the door
Voice at the door (in a regal sounding tone): Lord, I come to you in my nothingness. Shine your light upon me, allow me to walk with you and always do your Holy Will
Robert Vadra (falls to his knees and says tremulously): Wow…is that…is that Jesus?
Salman Khurshid (rolls his eyes again): Relax. It’s just Chidambaram.
Salman opens the door, lets Chiddu in, slams the door shut, and locks it for good measure
Salman Khurshid: No more interruptions guys. We’re not letting the Coal guys in. There’s just not enough space here for that many chaps.
The group nods its agreement. Just when Salman is about to take his spot on the sofa, there’s another knock on the door
Salman Khurshid (irritatedly): Who is it?
Voice behind the door: Nitin Gadkari
The group reacts animatedly to this. All of them furiously shake their heads and mouth ‘No’. Robert and Shinde hide their popcorn behind the sofa.
Salman Khurshid: What do you want Nitin ji?
Nitin Gadkari: I want to watch Ghajini too.
At this, the entire group bursts out laughing
Salman Khurshid: Come back after two weeks, Nitin ji. You are still not qualified.
Laughing, the guys resume the movie. There are no more interruptions except for Raja occasionally cribbing that there aren’t any English subtitles, and that Surya acted much better than Aamir in the Tamil version. And all’s well again in Farrukhabad.