China adopts American system to choose its next President


In a stunning development, Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao has declared that China shall transform into a democracy with immediate effect and choose her next President through universal suffrage, sending shock waves across the world.

In a press statement, the Premier thundered, “We are sick of the old boring system, where some guy with an arbit name like Li, Pi, Xi or Hu springs out of the blue and takes charge of the whole country. We hardly get to know what are his views on issues like abortion, gay marriage, Israel, his favorite chowmein, his favorite Chinese Kung-fu move and the latest Chinese electronics gadgets that he uses for election campaigns.”

Wen Jiabao confirmed the move was influenced by the recently concluded  and over-hyped US Presidential election, and was deemed a necessary step to remain competitive viz-a-viz the worlds’s superpower. He continued, “China was missing out on all the punditry and saturation media coverage that accompanies a US Presidential election. Chinese people deserve to have a choice to and the surfeit of information such as ‘Obama ahead of Romney as cookies sold by Michelle Obama on Halloween sold 2% higher than those sold by Ann Romney’ or ‘68% of Facebook users prefer Romney in black tuxedo than Obama in his golf suit’ to help the Chinese people make an informed choice.

Why should we not have online polls like ‘which Premier candidate is preferred by Hans and who has maximum support of Zhuangs and Uyghurs, the ethnic groups of China?’ Or ‘Which Chinese Premier is supported most by Dragon boats winners or Shaolins’. This will help to improve the statistical knowledge of the Chinese as well.”

When asked what would be the structure of the democratic framework, Hu Jinato said, “We are picking elements from both the US and Indian systems, the world’s most powerful and largest democracies respectively  In addition to the ruling party, the Communist Party of China, we will introduce the Tri Nee Moo Congress, inspired by Trinamool Congress of West Bengal, whose symbol will be the dragon emitting fire, symbolizing the Indian leader of the party. In any case, the TMC seems to be a clone of the CPI-M as far as ideology is concerned, so we no harm in allowing new parties to come up.”

The decision was met with a mixed reaction in the Chinese public. “Vote? Is that the name of our next Premier?” asked a Chinese peasant. A Chinese noodles maker commented, “Earlier, we did not have freedom to criticize one party, now we won’t have freedom to criticize two parties.Will this make the system even more oppressive?” while a karate teacher said, “Wow! This is going to be fun. My vote will go to the party endorsed by Jackie Chan.”

An international political analyst commented, “Well, in China, everything is driven by the economy. With money running into billions of dollars being poured into US elections, China sees the economic advantages of embracing democracy: elections generate a lot of employment for reporters, advertisers, T shirt vendors, merchandise manufacturers and even basketball analysts turned poll pundits. We just hope leaders elected through such means last longer than Chinese electronic items.”

Anand Walunjkar

About Anand Walunjkar

A IT engineer by day, Walu transforms into the incredible Wulk by night to take on the forces of corruption, nepotism and other social ills plaguing India.

  • Lokesh Bahety

    Very witty man, subtly ripped through a lot. ‘Tri nee moo’ :-D
    And the end \m/

    • Anand Walunjkar

      Thanks Lokesh

  • Theultimatechennaisuperkingsfan

    the best part was from
    ”in a stunning development” to ”chinese electronic

    • Anand Walunjkar

      Thanks :)

  • Prashant Gupta

    This will help to improve the statistical knowledge of the Chinese as well….gud one……Tangooo Berrry Muttsssssss for the article :D

    • Anand Walunjkar

      Thanks :)

  • Piyush Bhalla

    Anand’s articles are like Yash Chopra romances. Breezy, entertaining, without trying to be too pretentious. Anand is the Yash Chopra of satire.

    • Anand Walunjkar

      How sweeeeeeeeeeet.
      Thats one of the best compliment I have received.

  • Jitendra Desai

    Very well said Anand.
    But beware of chaps from Marxist – Leninist [Kanu Sanyal faction],Socialist Unity Center, People’s War Group etc or Ms Arundhati Roy,Mr Binayak Sen and other fellow travelling Indians.Their sense of humour competes with that of North Korean army generals and Hans occupiers of Tibet.They may all unite to lead a candle light march in Kolkota or Kochi to mobilise all democratic,socialist and secular forces against you and your lampooning of Chairman Mao’s land.

  • Andy

    China decided to have elections to elect a person who will vote for the person elected by Communist Party.