Pakistan has taken a dim view of the David Petraeus scandal and bluntly warned its powerful ally to stop screwing around. The Pakistan Senate is shocked by revelations that CIA Director, General David Petraeus, revered for his role in conducting the war in Afghanistan, had a clandestine affair with his biographer, Paula Broadwell, while General John Allen, commander of NATO troops in Afghanistan, sent flirtatious emails to a pretty American socialite. As though that weren’t enough, it seems both Petraeus and Allen may have been in competition for the affections of the same lady, thereby placing a question mark over the unity of American forces.
Pakistan senators are now reviewing Pakistani support to America in the ongoing war on terror in wake of these sordid revelations that paint a shocking picture of American duplicity and double-dealing. “Americans need to control their raging hormones that threaten to derail their personal lives and in the process imperil global peace and security,” said Pakistan Senate Chairman, Nayyar Hussain, who has passed a bill that makes Pakistani support contingent on high ranking American officials getting their messed up personal issues sorted out.
Pakistani military officials are also getting increasingly frustrated that their American peers are in bed with their paramours and not serious about pursuing the Taliban. These illicit relations, nurtured over years, have now ignited a full blown civil war with the Generals’ girlfriends getting out of control and attacking each other by sending anonymous threatening emails, and leaving a trail of extremely embarrassing behavior.
Pakistan army chief, General Kayani, was scathing of the shady role of the FBI, America’s premier domestic spy agency, in uncovering the affair after it came to light that one of the FBI agents investigating the affair may himself have been involved with one of the General’s girlfriends.
“It looks like the FBI has gone rogue and is no longer under firm civilian control. Even the ISI does not act as independently. We may be a banana republic but it seems everyone in America has gone bananas,” remarked Pakistan Army Chief, General Kayani, throwing his arms up in despair. “We desperately need the Americans to sort out their domestic issues and reassure the world community that it can do business with the Americans,” he added.
President Obama has rushed to Islamabad to pacify the enraged Pakistanis. Meanwhile, General Allen ordered a few more drone strikes in N. Waziristan to let off some steam. “Nothing like a drone strike to take out a few bad guys to take one’s mind off mounting girlfriend problems,” remarked General Allen.