If Life of Pi had been made by Bollywood directors…


Those of you who caught Ang Lee’s “Life of Pi” would agree that it is an incredible visual experience. The story is simple enough. Pi Patel is the son of a zoo keeper who grows up in Pondicherry and falls in love with Anandi. However he is forced to leave her and his country behind when his family decides to move, along with many of the zoo animals, to Canada via the seas. The ship unfortunately gets wrecked, leaving Pi as the sole survivor on a lifeboat with a Bengal Tiger, a hyena, a zebra and an orangutan. How he survives the next 227 days until he makes it to the shores of Mexico is the fascinating story.

The Unreal Team, over a few round of drinks, wondered how the movie would have turned out had it been directed by one of our illustrious Bollywood directors.

Yash Chopra’s Life of Pi:
Pi Patel, played by Shah Rukh Khan, is the son of the zoo janitor (as against the zoo owner), but still charms Anandi into falling in love with him in Pondicherry. The two love-birds sing and dance several songs (with Anandi in hot pants and short skirts), before Anandi makes a complicated deal with Jesus Christ because of which she refuses to marry SRK. An angry SRK decides to spite Jesus by putting his life at risk, and takes out a lifeboat into the Pacific ocean with a tiger, hyena and an orangutan for company. But how much ever he tries, the tiger and the hyena simply wont eat him, and SRK survives for 10 years until he reaches mexico, where Anandi awaits him. Their misunderstanding gets resolved and the two live happily ever after.

Rohit Shetty’s Life of Pi:
Ajay Devgn plays Pi Patel, Arshad Warsi the tiger, Shreyas Talpade the hyena and Tushar Kapoor the mute orangutan. The four of them escape from Vasooli bhai on a lifeboat, and due to an explicable plot twist, end up in the Pacific. The four keep playing dumb pranks at each other, and bump into Kareena Kapoor, a female tiger, a female hyena and a male orangutan floating similarly on the pacific and pair up with them. Eventually all eight of them including Vasooli bhai, his goons, a few sharks and a blue whale, end up dancing to the beats of “Golmaal Golmaal everything’s gonna be golmaal” on and around the lifeboat.

Madhur Bhandarkar’s Life of Pi:
Pi Patel, the tiger, the hyena, the zebra and the orangutan lead a sophisticated life on the boat, partying every day and engaging in high-society chit-chat, until one day when the orangutan, Pi’s best friend, commits suicide. The trauma doesn’t end there for Pi who discovers that the zebra is gay, and that the Tiger has been secretly humping the hyena. The movie ends with Pi’s utter disillusionment with the animal kingdom.

Pooja Bhatt’s Life of Pi:
Pi Patel is an intelligence officer, and the tiger is a porn star. The hyena, orangutan and zebra all play spies, intelligence officials turned spies, or random villains. There’s also a deeply convoluted plot, but the audience doesn’t give a shit as they are distracted by the voluptuous curves of the tiger throughout the movie.

Abbas-Mustan’s Life of Pi:
The ship Pi and his family travel on, faces a storm like that in the Perfect Storm, and goes on to sink like the Titanic. Pi survives on the lifeboat like Tom Hanks in Cast Away, squabbling with his fellow occupants of the lifeboat like the chaps in Pirates of the Caribbean. The directors don’t spare Finding Nemo either and include a few scenes from that as well.

Ram Gopal Verma’s Life of Pi:
Pi Patel is the don of the seas, and part of his gang are the tiger, the hyena and the zebra. Pi, sporting a handlebar moustache, runs a tight gang, and the movie brings this out in ample detail through various close up and extra slo-mo shots including those of Pi’s intense stare, the hyena’s smirk, the tiger’s thighs and the orangutan’s arm. Around the middle of the film, Pi’s number 2, the tiger, decides to form its own gang, inexorably leading to a gang war. The protagonists go down in a blaze of bullets, but by then there’s no one left in the theatre to find out who survives. The film also features an item number by Urmila Matondkar on the lifeboat’s tarpaulin.

Editor: The author intended to write the versions of several other Indian directors. Unfortunately he did not have the good sense to keep RGV for the last, and shot himself while watching an RGV movie to get a feel of his film-making style. Readers are welcome to write their versions of the other directors’ storylines in the comments section.

UnReal Mama

About UnReal Mama

Ek chatur naar badee hoshiyaar, apane hee jaal me phasat jaat ham hasat jaat are ho ho ho ho ho!

  • Rakesh

    Avery entertaining anf fine piece of humour…………keep it up guys

  • Ang Lee

    haha good one

  • Theultimatechennaisuperkingsfan

    loved the rohit shetty part….
    Hats off for RGV part…..

  • Umashankar

    “an item number by Urmila Matondkar on the lifeboat’s tarpaulin.” – Another way to commit suicide?

  • nautankey

    Howlarious..That was a wonderful piece..

    Some from me:)

    Maniratnam’s Life of Pi – Pi is a terrorist..no a naxal..no a robin hood..ok..whatever!He is a good man who fights for some cause. Pi kidnaps tiger’s sunday brunch -the zebra to avenge the death of his pet orangutan,killed by tiger’s henchman hyena.The tiger comes in sees that the zebra likes pi more than itself,uses the zebra as a bait and captures Pi for its weekday meals.

    Karan johar’s Life of Pi – Pi,tiger,zebra and the orangutan are the only survivors in the world’s costliest luxury liner.The poor Pi,who manages to get a ticket in the luxury liner and the rich tiger are fighting for the title of “imprudent of the year”.The story takes a never seen before turn – a love triangle with both of them having an eye on the hyena. The humor track is provided by the Zebra and the orangutan with their gayish attraction.

    Kamalhassan’s Life of Pi – Well as you know.. Pi,tiger,hyena,orangutan,Zebra and the boat are all played by kamal himself.The Plot? who cares.

  • Ashish


    Warning: Contain Spoilers! :-)

  • Unreal Mama

    @Nautankey: Hahaha! Brilliant!

  • Aditya

    Priyadarshani would have made Life Of Pi. Heres the star cast

    Pi Patel – Akshay Kumar
    Tiger – Paresh Rawal
    orangutan-Rajpal Yadav
    Zebra – Shakti Kapoor , Manoj Joshi , Asrani etc or anyone maybe everyone.

    Pi goes out with his family with his zoo animal . There is comedy of mistaken identities in the ship. ‘Aap kis Pi ki baat kar rahe?’ IN T END all the 4 characters are thrown in the sea where they are seen running aroung on the ship. We have mind blowing stupid slapstick scenes like Oranguran face is splashed with cake , or Zebra colours getting dissolved when its raining n other nonsence.
    In the end , alls well and Pi Patel gets the teasure (!!!)

    (many more to come)

  • Nishant Shah

    Anyone gonna come up with Rajkumar Hirani’s version?

    • Aditya

      Well Nishant
      Here you go…A little try

      So we have
      Amir Khan or Sharman Joshi (if budget is less) as Pi ,
      Boman Irani as Tiger ,
      Jimmy Shergil as Monkey

      Before they get in to the ship , Pie likes to be friend with tiger and so does the tiger. Pie is against cruelty for animal which he sees his dad (parikshit Sahani) doing frequently. His dad is opposing the friendship..’Tum Insaan Ho..Aur Insaan Ki Tarah Raho..Jaanwar Mat Bano’ . Pie has a dream in life to make a zoo where there will be animals roaming freely without any cages.

      In the ship , Pie makes friendship with all the other passengers. He teaches them that animals are good friends. There will be a scene where the cook who hates tiger (because his son was killed by one) makes special dish for him.

      So now when the ship is about to get drown, Pie with the couple of other animals in this little boat save the other human being getting drown.

      In the end Pie dad is conceived with Pie ‘Friendly’ zoo idea. This is then funded by the millionaire who owns the ship. By the way the rich dad’s rich girl is also in the ship. She makes friendship with the monkey and eventually becomes Pis girlfriend.

      We have last scene where all the visitors of the zoo giving ‘Jaadu Ki Zhapi’ to all the animals.

      The movie is superhit . Everyone is happy , except for Nikhil Advani(no reason to say)

      • anjali

        Typical Bollywood plot. They might actually make a movie with this.

  • rohit

    Rohit Shetty’s version was the best out of the lot!!!!
    Couldnt stop laughing for 20 mins!!!

  • http://www.friedeye.com mani

    And just imagine what would happen to it if Ekta kapoor makes a serial out of it! Kahani Pi bhai ki? Kyuki Pi bhi kabhi bhai the?

    • Freedune

      That would be torture. Please spare us.

  • ABC

    And what about Sanjay Leela Bhansali:

    Lots of opulent sets, expensive costumes, jewellery, fountains, curtains……….the list is endless