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“Good morning ladies and gentlemen. I am Ravi Shastri and I welcome you to the fourth day of the 4th test match between India and England live from Nagpur. At 100/9, the English are absolutely staring at the barrel here. They still trail by 160 runs, and barring a miracle of biblical proportions, this match may well be over before many of our viewers turn on their Television sets. With me in the studio is Sunny Gavaskar. Over to you Sunny.”
“Absolutely Ravi. England has always been behind the 8-ball right from the first session, when Gambhir and Sehwag put on those 150 quick runs. Their partnership really was the key for the Indians and featured some nimble footwork, excellent judgement of the moving ball and some terrific running between the wickets, particularly by Gambhir. Once they had 600 runs on the board, it was always going to be difficult for the English and that’s exactly what happened Ravi. Over to you.”
“Yes Sunny. Not to forget Dhoni’s audacious 157 not out. What a performance! He was instrumental in deflating the English with his switch-hits off Monty, dil-scoops off Anderson and helicopter-hits off pretty much everyone. The English never recovered from that battering. Over to you Sunny.”
“Yes, a true captain’s knock if there ever was one. Credit must also go to the seamers for bowling with pace and bounce, and to the spinners for maintaining a consistent, attacking line all throughtout. On a good batting surface, the bowlers gave the English batsmen absolutely no freebies. The fielders complemented the bowlers very well, diving all over the field and maintaining a very aggressive body language. Excellent all round effort Ravi. Over to you.”
“Okay here we go… the first ball of the 4th day. Ashwin comes over the wicket to Alastair Cook…. AND BOWLED HIM! WHAT A DELIVERY! WHAT A DELIVERY! That was Ashwin’s carrom ball. Cook had no clue what happened there. He’s looking at the stumps utterly bewildered, wondering despondently how the hell did the ball sneak through his defences… Meanwhile the Indians are running helter skelter in sheer ecstasy… great scenes here at Nagpur!!…. England following on after a score of 350 in the first innings has been bundled out for 100 in the second. What a bowling performance Sunny! Indians have outplayed the English in all three departments of the game by a wide margin. It’s fair to say India has simply f**ked England in this test, Sunny!”
There’s a brief pause in the commentary box.
“Hey, you said the F word on air!” says Sunny. “You’ll hear from the producer tomorrow.”
“Yeah?” Ravi ponders over this for a second and says, “Well, f*** him!”
At this, Sunny bursts into giggles. A couple of seconds later, Ravi joins him guffawing loudly. The two laugh for a full minute, after which Gavaskar says, “And you didn’t say ‘Over to you’.”
“What?” responds Ravi dumbly.
“Pass the bong dammit!”
Ravi passes Sunny the weed pipe. Sunny takes a long hit from it, blows three circles of smoke into the air and throws Ravi a nonchalant look. The two immediately dissolve into laughter again.
As the camera fades away from the two cricketer-turned-commentators guffawing like teenagers hunched over a small table in a smoky little room, commentary from the television set in an adjacent room floats in.
“…and England beat India by 7 wickets completing yet another comprehensive victory in India’s own backyard…”