Minutes after Sheila Dixit announced publicly that 600 rupees is enough to feed a family of 5 for a month, India’s top-notch detective agency, CID, took suo moto cognizance of the issue and decided to investigate. Within the span of an episode, ACP Pradyuman and his crack team managed to solve the case. Daya, who’s a regular reader of The Unreal Times, mailed us the transcript of the investigation, which reveals the team’s findings:
ACP (barges into the hall of Sheila Dixit’s house): Hum log CID se aaye hain. Koi apni jagah se nahi hilega.
There’s no one in the house.
ACP: Poora ghar theek se chaan maro, koi suraag zaroor milega
ACP does some time-pass in the hall while the others rush to the other rooms to search. After a while, Abhijeet returns with a newspaper clipping of Sheila Dixit’s 600 rupees statement. The ACP ponders over the clipping for a while, and then…
ACP: Daya, darwaza mat kholna, andar kisi ko aane mat dena! Humaari aawaaz baahar nahi pahunchni chahiye!
Daya: Yes, Sir!
With his trademark scowl, ACP Pradyuman walks to the white board in the room and writes this: “5 members -> 30 days -> 600 Rupees” He then turns to his team-mates, scratches his chin and says…
ACP: Paanch logon ke liye 600 rupaey ..toh ek aadmi ke liye kitna? Abhijeet, pata lagao!
Abhijeet: Jee, Sir!
Abhijeet picks up the marker and writes just below ACP’s line. “1 member -> 30 days ->120 Rupees”
Abhijeet: Sir, ek aadmi ke liye mahine mein keval 120 rupaey lagte hain Sir
ACP (with a triumphant scowl): Wah! Suna, Daya?
Daya: Jee, Sir!
ACP: Iska ek hi matlab ho sakta hai, Daya!
Daya: Kya Sir?
ACP: Ek aadmi ko ek hafte ke khane ke liye lagbhag tees rupaey lagte hain!
Daya bites his lip and resists an overwhelming urge to Facepalm.
Daya: Yes Sir!
The scowl returns to ACP’s face and he returns to the board, and writes “1 member -> 1 week-> 30 Rupees”
ACP (scratches his chin again, his scowl deepening): Hmmm
Abhijeet: Ek aur baat hai, Sir! Sheilaji ne kahaa ki 600 rupaey mein chawal, dal aur gehun mil jaata hai!
ACP: Wah! Shabaash, Abhijeet!
Abhijeet (beaming): Thank you Sir.
ACP: Hmm. Abhijeet, abhi hume yeh pata lagaana hai ki in sab ki keemat kya hai. Pata lagao, Abhijeet! Google karo.
Abhijeet: Lekin Sir, computer to doosre room mein hai. Aur woh room locked hai.
ACP: Daya, darwaza tod do!
Daya unleashes an almighty kick, and the door obliges. The three walk in with their guns drawn. Abhijeet spots the computer and frantically starts googling to find the prices of rice, wheat and daal. After 5 minutes…
Abhijeet: Sir, kuch pata nahi lag raha hai…
ACP: Yeh aise nahi batayega… ise bureau lekar chalo.
The detectives drag the computer to the bureau, where Dr. Salunkhe sits down to google.
ACP: Dr. Salunkhe murde se bhi sach ugalva lenge.
Sure enough, Dr. Salunke finds the required data within a couple of seconds.
Abhijeet (reading out from the screen): Sir, ek aadmi ke ek hafte ke khane ke liye padega – chawal, 8 rupaey, dal, 11 rupaey, aur gehun, 8 rupaey.
(Writes “8+11+8 = 27” on the whiteboard)
ACP: Hmmm…Aur baaki teen rupaey ka kya?
(Everyone thinks hard)
ACP: Socho Daya socho!
Daya (triumphantly): Sir, roti ke saath woh aloo ki subzi hota hai na Sir …
The ACP absorbs this for a couple of seconds. Suddenly his eyes widen as a realization dawns upon him
ACP (loudly): OH MYY GOD!!!
The ACP rushes out of the house. Daya and Abhijeet follow him to the car. ACP gets into the car and directs Daya to drive to 10, Janpath.
ACP: Daya gaadi tez chala nahi toh culprit bhaag jayega
Within minutes, the CID vehicle comes to a screeching halt outside 10, Janpath. ACP and his team rush into Rahul Gandhi’s room, and find Sheila Dixit dictating to Rahul Gandhi, what appears to be his next speech.
ACP (triumphantly): Aha! Mujhe pehle se tumpe shaq tha! Jis din tumne bola ki ek kilo aloo teen rupaey mein milta hai, usi din se!
ACP (wags an accusing finger at Sheila Dixit): Tum ho Rahul Gandhi ki speech writer. Sab ke sab andar jaoge!
At this point, the song ‘Golmaal hai bhai sab golmaal hai‘ starts playing.
ACP: Abhijeet, pata lagao, yeh gaana kahaan se aa raha hai !
Abhijeet: Sir, yeh toh aap ke cellphone ka ringtone hai!
ACP: Oh haan… (picks up the call) Jee Sir, mission accomplished !
Voice at the other end: Excellent, Mr. ACP! I need a copy of this case’s documents by 9 pm sharp, before The NewsHour begins, Mr. ACP!