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In keeping with the prevailing mood of the nation to ban cultural junk and cleanse the system, Khap Panchayat recently declared a ban on Justin Bieber songs across the country leaving thousands of his fans (aka Beliebers) shocked across the nation.
The Khap Panchayat head, Mukhiya Singh, justified the ban, saying, “We have always been against these pop artists and their harmful influence on Indian youth. We would rather that Indian youth listen to A R Rehman or even Himseh Reshamiyya, who renders a valuable service to our culture by indigenizing Western albums and making them fit for domestic audiences.
The other day we all were kinda bored as there was no other hot issue in the nation left over which we hadn’t given our worldly wise views over. So one of our members suggested that we play some Justin Bieber track to chill. We had to shut down the music system within 5 mins itself coz the lyrics were just too vulgar and derogatory in nature. I don’t understand what is the need for singing lyrics like ‘Babyyy Babyy Babyy OOOuuuuuuu’. Freedom of expression does not mean that you can get away with any bullshit. Therefore we urge the government to ban his songs before our culture gets destroyed.”
For once, even the liberal mainstream media, reflecting the views of the middle class, has endorsed the Khap Panchayat’s stand. “I’m completely with the Khap on this,” said Arnab, with a lump in his throat.
Justin Bieber has expressed contrition for offending Indian sensibilities.”I would like to humbly apologize to all my fans in India in case I have hurt their sentiments by mistake. Till date I was always under the belief that my songs were a refreshing change for a nation accustomed to Himesh Reshammiya’s tracks. But I was so wrong. I would like to say sorry to Khap Panchayat too. Would love to have a hookah session with them to clear the ‘air between us’ both literally and figuratively.”
Yo Yo Honey Singh welcomed the ban. “This serves him right. Now that both his and my songs are banned across India, it’s high time we both collaborate and produce some new tunes together. I have always believed in the philosophy that ‘pervert minds think alike’. And to be honest I am still a lil clueless as to why my songs are criticized for their lyrics considering that 80% of my lyrics in every song is simply me shouting Yooo Yoooo Hannnii Siiingh.”
Minister for Information and Broadcasting, Shri Manish Tewari, has endorsed the Khap Panchayat’s decision. “I totally support the Khap Panchayat’s view on this matter. That particular track of Justin is extremely perverted and deserves a ban indeed. We have already issued a legal notice to him and shall take all steps to uphold the cultural values of our nation. ”
The verbose Minister downplayed the adverse impact of the ban on Indo-Canadian relations. “Oh no, not at all. It will not have any adverse effect on Indo Punjab relations,” he pointed out.
“But sir, I said Indo Canada relations not Indo Punjab..”
“Same thing. Call it Punjab or Canada. How does it make any difference? Canadians are a minority out there anyways. Sardars have outnumbered them a long time back. Hadipppaaa.Oye Balle Balle.”
Needless to say our reporter fled away after seeing the minister break into an impromptu Bhangra.
(Written by citizen satirist, Rahul Batra, who blogs here)