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Jubilation over Rahul Gandhi’s coronation as the party’s Vice President has given way to panic after the High Command announced that all Congress leaders will have to take lie detector tests on what they really think of the Nehru-Gandhi scion and his succession speech.
The directive comes in the wake of a deluge of praise for the Yuvraj, ranging from Mani Shankar Aiyer calling his elevation the Obama moment of Indian politics to Shashi Tharoor tweeting that “Rahul Gandhi made one of the greatest speeches of contemporary Indian political history”.
“We have had a tough time deciding who should be part of Rahul baba’s inner circle given that all of them have sung such effusive paeans to his greatness,” disclosed Ahmed Patel, Sonia’s political secretary, “so that’s when we hit upon the idea of administering a polygraph test to separate the grain from the chaff.”
Under the procedure to determine the new pecking order, a polygraph will measure and record physiological responses such as blood pressure, pulse, respiration and skin conductivity even as Congress leaders endeavour to answer questions such as:
a) Do you think Rahul’s acceptance speech was the Obama moment of Indian politics?
b) Did you feel that the ghost of Jawaharlal Nehru was speaking through Rahul baba?
c) Did you feel that his elevation to the post of Vice President was the greatest day of your life?
d) Be honest. Did you think, “yawn. Same set of recycled clichés?” when he said the party has to change?
e) Did you ever feel like saying “when will we ever look beyond this family?” during the speech?
f) Did you ever feel like saying, “kya f*** hai?” at any point during his speech?
The grading will take sycophancy and veracity of the responses into account to rank the Congress leaders, informed Mr. Ahmed Patel. The announcement has already led to resignation of a couple of Chief Ministers, Congress General Secretaries, and 3 Union Cabinet Ministers. “I guess this is the end of my career as a Congress man. I’m second to one in scoring high on sycophancy but will flunk when it comes to veracity,” said a veteran Congress leader, gloom written all over his face.
However, some leaders have expressed confidence of coming out with flying colours. Shashi Tharoor plans to crack the exam by using words that even he doesn’t understand which should hopefully help him clear the cut-offs in both sycophancy and truth. Others such as Mani Shankar Aiyer claim that they have even convinced their consciences that they are genuine admirers of the Nehru-Gandhi dynasty so acing a polygraph test ought to be a piece of cake.
This test won’t be applicable to Congress spokespersons such as Manish Tewari and Sanjay Jha. “Oh, even Rahul baba knows that they get paid to bull**** where sense of proportion and realism take a backseat. So they will be spared this torture,” informed Mr. Patel.