Govt to outsource Telangana separatist issue to Fevicol for permanent solution

Follow @TheUnRealTimes

In a desperate attempt to quell the Telangana agitation, the UPA government has decided to outsource the vexatious issue to the adhesive company Fevicol. The adhesive, which carries a reputation of sticking disparate elements together such as a man to a seat, is the only viable solution to kill the separatist agitation, feels the intellectually bankrupt Home Minister.

A jovial Sushil Kumar Shinde explained the idea thus: “It was just while I was watching the Kareena Kapoor item song ‘mere hoto ko seene se yaar, chipka saiyan Fevicol se’ that I got this idea. And I immediately knew what to do next. I have ordered the Andhra Govt to use Fevicol on the complete border of Telangana, Rayalasema, and coastal Andhra. This way, it will be impossible to hack Telangana out of the Andhra state.”

The Home Minister added, “I cannot wait to see the look on the face of TRS leader K Chandrashekhar Rao and his supporters when they cry ‘Jor laga k Haisha, dam laga ka Haisha’. And then I have already prepared my dialogue to the Telangana separatists – ‘Ye Fevicol ka majboot jod hai, tutega nahi.’”

The Sonia Gandhi footsoldier added, “If this experiment succeeds, I am going to extend it to Vidarbha and Gorkhaland. And obviously I shall credit Rahul Gandhi for the idea then, but in case it fails, I will rope in the Prime Minister to take charge of this concept. Otherwise, he shall come to know of this only from news channels.”

The move has stunned opposition leaders including TDP leader Chandrababu Naidu and YSR Congress leader Jagan Mohan Reddy, for snatching an important issue from their mouth. As the symbol of Fevicol is the elephant, which is coincidently the election symbol of BSP as well, Mayawati has filed a petition in the Election Commission against this move. She has also filed a petition to ban Fevicol in all parts of Uttar Pradesh so that her plan of dividing it into three states is not ruined.

Meanwhile, Pidilite Company, the owner of the Fevicol brand, has told The Unreal Times that it has instead offered a plan to the government to seal the lips of leaders who frequently open their mouths to make insanely misogynistic remarks, adding to already high noise pollution levels.

Related posts:

1. Pakistan drops Kashimir issue, demands India stop producing movies like Khiladi 786
2. Union Minister Kapil Sibal comes up with innovative solution to counter rumour mongering on Twitter
3. Army Chief’s DOB issue resolved after Rajniti Prasad shreds Govt’s 1950 certificate
4. Sikh separatist outfit, Babbar Khalsa, turns against ISI; seeks to carve out Khalistan from Pakistan
5. Congress to issue ‘Chamchagiri Guidelines’ for interacting with Rahul Baba