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After the noted cyclist Lance Armstrong, it was the turn of Pakistani ex-President Pervez Musharraf to come clean about his Kargil misadventure with chat show host, Oprah Winfrey. This follows revelations about the intrusions by a retired Pakistani general.
Oprah: So General Musharraf, you want to finally admit that Kargil was a hare-brained scheme that only a f***-up like you could have authorized. Why confess 13 years later?
Musharraf: Well, enough of this cat and mouse game. If Lance can admit to doping, why can’t I admit to having screwed up? I couldn’t BS about Kargil any longer with a straight face. Anyway, this is what Oprah’s show is for, right? For men to admit they made mistakes. Clinton talking about Monica, Lance about doping, so I thought why not come clean on Kargil.
Oprah: (looking into his eyes) I’ll ask you a direct question, General. Are you a jerk?
Musharraf: (slightly taken aback but recovering quickly) Yes, absolutely. I am a jerk.
Oprah: Was the Kargil operation planned solely by you?
Musharraf shifts in his seat uncomfortably.
Oprah: Was it?
Musharraf: Yes, it was me. Without any doubt, I planned this quixotic scheme.
Oprah: You always claimed it was the mujahideen who infiltrated across the LoC. You still stand by that?
Musharaf: Actually, I never differentiated between the Pakistani soldiers and the mujahideen. In fact, let me confess, they are one and the same. We keep on recruiting and transferring soldiers between the army and mujahideen groups.
Oprah: Was the leadership in Pakistan aware that Pakistani troops were going to cross the LoC?
Musharraf: I won’t accept this charge. Well, our PM may not have been completely in the loop, but when you say leadership, in Pakistan means the chief of army staff. I was the Army chief. And I was the planner. So, you can say leadership was fully aware.
Oprah: Did you spend a night on the Indian side of the LoC?
Musharraf (scratches his chin and looks away): Yes, you could call it a one night stand.
Oprah: Did you spend the night or not?
Musharraf: Let me put it this way. As a General, I have to lead my soldiers. We have always wanted our soldiers, people to infiltrate the Indian borders illegally, and this was the best motivation I could have given them by leading from the front.
Oprah: Did you keep other military generals informed?
Musharraf: Not really. Everyone is usually aware that we are all trying to sneak into India one way or the other. So, it was business as usual, and not necessary to keep everyone in the loop.
Oprah: Do you still think ‘Kargil’ was an excellent operation?
Musharraf (resolve returning to his eyes): Absolutely. If it was not for Kargil, I would not have been able to overthrow the elected government and Pakistan would never have got such a brilliant President as me. Kya zamana tha! It was the most glorious time in the history of Pakistan.
Oprah: Why did you chose my show to confess?
Musharraf (throws up his hands): I did not have a choice, really.
Oprah: Why not?
Musharraf: Well, there is this guy Arnab Goswami. He kept badgering me on his show “Newshour”. After that, I thought the only way to recover would be to come clean on your show. Anyways, I was invited to attend the Hindustan summit in India, and you were going to be there at the same time to study the eating habits of Indians. Maine socha, ek trip me do kaam ho jayenge.
Oprah: What do you have to say to the world now?
Musharraf (turns to the camera): All I can say to my Pakistani brothers now is that I am sorry for the Kargil misadventure. I should have realized that there are better ways of waging wars against India like 26/11. Please allow me back to Pakistan and I promise I will provide more entertainment than Rehman Malik. Please Please Please. (Leans over and whispers into Oprah’s ears) Hey Oprah, let us save the discussion on the role of the Pakistani establishment under my rule in hiding Osama bin Laden in Abbottabad for your next show for maximizing TRPs. Is that fine?