Lance Armstrong to join The UnReal Times as chief sports editor

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Cycling and lying legend Lance Armstrong is all set to join The UnReal Times as its chief sports editor. Welcoming the induction of the Tour de France winner, The Unreal Times chief correspondent, Ashwin, said, “We were mightily impressed with Lance’s ability to fool the entire world for so many years. His value system fits in very well with our ethos of being highly economical with the truth.”

The Unreal editorial team also took Lance’s facility to write both fiction and non-fiction into account: the cancer survivor’s oeuvre includes “It’s not about the bike: My journey back to life”, a stirring account of his struggle to overcome testicular cancer and “Every second counts”, a satirical work on gaming the system, which is now regarded as a classic in the satire genre.

Analysts see the move by The UnReal Times to hire Lance as a response to the widespread criticism it has faced from the Indian sporting fraternity in recent times of focusing solely on India’s national obsession, cricket, to the detriment of other sports. Just sample these statements by Indian sports legends in the last one year:

Flying Sikh Milkha Singh exclaimed with disgust: “The mainstream Indian media is enamored by just cricket. Other sports just don’t exist. Unfortunately this culture has also spilled over into the satire news space. Even The UnReal Times gives too much importance to cricket.”

Tennis star Sania Mirza sneered: “Rohit Sharma just has to walk in to bat, spend two minutes and go back to be featured on the cover of The UnReal Times. And here I am trying my best, losing convincingly in straight sets hoping to make it to the cover page. And what do I get for my labours? Having Shoaib referred to as the country’s second infamous son-in-law.”

Hockey star Dhanraj Pillai wailed: “After our team disappointed by losing 5 consecutive matches at the London Olympics, I was feeling low and was hoping The UnReal Times would do a Facebook wall of the team players to give me something to smile about. But they insist on only covering the monumental failures of the Indian cricket team using dark humour.”

Meanwhile, Lance Armstrong, who was in Delhi to sign the job offer letter, attracted a huge fan following after he made this statement: “I am being persecuted because I am a cyclist.” There were rallies in many places in the country in his support.

Talking about the slew of lawsuits he is facing in America, Lance said, “I wish my legal cases can be moved to Indian courts. Then I will be able to outpace the law even on an MTB.”

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