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In a rapid turn of events, the All Indian Terrorist Association (AITA), not to be confused with All India Tennis Association (which nobody cares about), has decided to sue the Indian government under various sections of IPC in the aftermath of the recent hanging of Afzal Guru. “It was an ambush,” the leader of the AITA, who wishes not to be named, stated emphatically. “Ever since our training days, we were led to believe that if terrorists were captured, they would be given good food and shelter in an Indian jail, enjoy the public attention for sometime as their faces were plastered in the media, and then eventually be forgotten and brought back to their home country (India’s neighbor, whose name begins with a consonant <and no, it’s not Bhutan>) as part of a goodwill exchange”
“Until now, this was the standard operating procedure. Everyone involved in the process knew this and we had regular annual inter-country drills in a neutral area such as North Waziristan to make sure the procedure went smoothly. The Indian government has done a volte-face now, and they are hanging people accused of terrorism. What has the world come to?” lamented the soft-spoken terrorist. “This is wrong, this is so wrong! Once Ajmal Kasab was hanged, we set about adding a few disclaimers to the “What to Expect from the Enemy when Captured” section of the Handbook of Terrorist Activities (11th edn., first published: 2001; Rs 660, place order via www dot terroristkart dot com, free shipping via rocket launcher). But we never expected that Afzal Guru too would be hanged. Come on! Whatever happened to the slowness, ineptitude, lack of decision making and the tendency to tamper with evidence that has become the hallmark of the country’s judicial process?” he wailed.
According to preliminary reports, the AITA has decided to press charges with respect to “misleading intentions”, “failure to adhere to the SOPs”, “character assassination”, “physical assassination”, and “breach of trust”. Sources high up say that the government would most probably lose the case since there is strong evidence in the form of their past action (or inaction) against terrorist groups stacked against it.
The Unreal Times submitted the above conversation via courier to the highest-ranking official in the Indian government to elicit comments. The package was evidently mistaken for a mercy petition, as the unopened courier was sent back to our offices a day after, with the words “SORRY, REJECTED!:(” (written in red ink on the cover).