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Wrestling, a sport that has been part of Olympics since 708 BC, has been dropped from the 2020 Olympics, after a decision undertaken by a 15 member Olympic executive board via a secret ballot. The decision has come as a nasty surprise for India, given that wrestling makes up 33% of the Indian medal tally from the past two Olympics, and has proven to be the 2nd most effective way, after enlisting in Delhi police, to keep burly Haryanvis out of trouble.
Acting quickly, the Indian Olympic Association (IOA) has taken strong exception to the exclusion of wrestling, when sports such as Trampoline (where players bounce around on a trampoline distorting their bodies into various shapes), Synchronized Swimming (where players splash around in a pool to music) and Dressage (where
players horses compete with each other in the art of responding to human commands) still make the list. [Ed: The original draft of this article included 'Beach Volleyball' as well, but was removed after vehement opposition from the male members of the editorial team]
“They’d rather have competitive dancing for horses than wrestling! What’s next? Olympic fancy dress competitions?” roared Abhay Chautala, the President of the Indian Olympic Association. The IOA has demanded that the IOC include a sport favourable to the Indians, failing which the IOA has threatened to host the 2024 Olympics. To help the IOC make up its mind, the IOA has sent a list of 5 potential sports:
5. “Bollywood dancing”
It’s about time we generate an Olympic medal out of India’s principal weapon of soft power, and unleash athletes such as Shah Rukh Khan, Shahid Kapoor, Kareena Kapoor and Anushka Sharma on the sporting world. While other nations, the United States in particular, are warming up to Bollywood dancing, they still don’t hold a candle to athletes from our very own Yash Raj Studios.
The first draft of this document suggested ‘Outraging’ as a sport. However, after only Arnab Goswami qualified as a gold medal prospect, with hardly any other Indian managing to whip up outrage of international standards outside of social media platforms, members zeroed in on ‘Twitter-Outraging’ as a sport. And lo and behold, Olympic medal prospects materialized in hordes.
3. “Restrainting” or “Showing Restraint”
Another sport that India is sure to crack out of shape is ‘Restrainting’. Over the years, thanks to its ever obliging neighbour Pakistan, Indian skills in demonstrating restraint have been honed to a level unparalleled by any other nation on earth.
The best part is, there’s no competition whatsoever in this sport. China, India’s nemesis in racquet sports, is no match for us, given its near-immediate reaction to Indian provocation in 1962. And the lesser said the better about the leader of the 2012 Olympics medal tally, United States’ ability to exercise restraint in the face of foreign aggression.
2. “Spin doctoring”
The President of the IOA initially put forward the idea of including Cricket as an Olympic event, before one of the members reminded him about the consecutive 4-0 losses to England and Australia in Test series on foreign soil, followed by losses on home soil to England in Tests and Pakistan in one-dayers. The President then suggested proposing the inclusion of just ‘spin bowling’ as an Olympic sport, before a member pointed out that even on spinning wickets, Indian spinners are being easily out-bowled by the likes of Graeme Swann and Monty Panesar these days.
A frustrated President turned to the TV to take his mind off the task, only to find Manish Tewari putting a magnificent spin on yet another goof-up of his government. “Indian political corridors are awash with outstanding spin doctors. There’s no beating us in this sport!” exulted the President. The rest of the members agreed, and “Spin doctoring” instantly made all the way to the top of the list, second only to…
To be fair, China does pose a mild threat to India in this sport, but given their notorious paranoia to keep such information about themselves under wraps, India is pretty much guaranteed to enjoy a free run. The podium presentation might go something like this:
“At third place, winning the Bronze, with Rs. 1.76 lakh Crores in the 2G scam is India!” (applause) “At second place, winning the Silver, with Rs. 1.86 lakh Crores in the Coal blocks scam is again India!” (further applause) “And the winner of this event, winning the Gold medal, with Rs. 48 lakh Crores in the Thorium scam is India!” (earth-shattering applause)