The US military has jettisoned drone strikes for a far more potent strategy to quell the ongoing insurgency in the Af-Pak region: dropping DVDs of movies starring Tusshar Kapoor over suspected militant hideouts to sap the zeal and morale of the Taliban militia.
Prisoners will also be interrogated by making them watch movies of Ekta Kapoor’s brother. After rock band Metallica urged US military to stop using their music, NATO commanders have been scouting in vain for an artist/actor whose songs/ films could be used for inflicting pain until they discovered Tusshar.
The White House immediately signed off on the new military doctrine to take out the bad guys after NATO’s outgoing commander in Afghanistan, General John Allen, screened a few Tusshar Kapoor movies for President Obama and his key aides. Movies earmarked to be dropped over Taliban strongholds include lethal box-office bombs such as Muje Kuch Kehna Hai, Yeh Dil, Krishna Cottage and last but not the least, the (gasp) Golmaal series.
Tusshar Kapoor expressed satisfaction over the pivotal role his movies will essay in the war against terror. “I feel excited…at least somebody will watch my films,” he said. If the results are encouraging, the US military plans to also drop movies starring Viveik Oberoi and Jacky Bhagnani.
Both mainstream and radical left-wing parties in Pakistan have denounced the new US military strategy. “Not only is it more inhumane than drone strikes, but the collateral damage by showing Tusshar Kapoor movies could lead to further destabilization of the region by making impressionable young men lose their marbles,” thundered Tehreek-e-Insaaf chief, Imran Khan, who plans to lead a tsunami of agitators from Peshawar to Quetta to protest against the new American policy.