Recently, reports of illegal attempts to access the phone call records of senior BJP leader Arun Jaitley made national headlines. In keeping with his high standards of investigative journalism, The Unreal Times political correspondent, Rajniti Sarkarwala, managed to get hold of these transcripts by tapping into his contacts of disgruntled party sidekicks, shady operatives and other low-life forms that inhabit the political eco-system in the nation’s capital:
07:30 hours – Jaitley’s residence
LK Advani: Good morning Arun ji !
Arun Jaitley: Haan, boliye Advani ji ! Good morning.
LK Advani: There’s this article which Justice Katju has written about Modi – wonderful one! It should throw him off track a little! Hehe! I’m thinking of writing a blog post on similar lines!
Arun Jaitley: What ?! Nonsense !!!!! Let me read it and call you back ! Bye.
LK Advani: What ? Don’t you like it? ..Hello?! Hello?!
10: 00 hours – Jaitley’s office
Arun Jaitley: Hello ?
Swapan Dasgupta: Hey Arun, what’s up ?
Arun Jaitley: Kuch nahi yaar, this Katju has written something against Modi. I’m trying to give it back to him.
Swapan Dasgupta: Accha, leave that aside for a moment. There’s another Modi who’s been saying weird stuff about you on Twitter !
Arun Jaitley: Haha ..he must be getting bored in London! I’ll hit back at him too!
Swapan Dasgupta: Oh, no need of that! A hotshot journo is already doing it!
Arun Jaitley: Aah, thank you so much, man! ..that saves me a lot of time and energy! I knew I could count on you !
Swapan Dasgupta: No ! Not me !
Arun Jaitley: WHAT ?! Then who?!
Swapan Dasgupta: Believe it or not ….Barkha !!!!
Arun Jaitley: Holy cow! Are you serious?
Swapan Dasgupta: I’m not kidding! There’s a whole “I will sue you – I will sue you” battle going on, much to the amusement of tweeters. I won’t be surprised if Rajdeep ends the day with a “Song for the night : Aiyyayya Karu mein kya Sue Sue Sue Sue! Gnight ” tweet !
Arun Jaitley: Hahahaha ! I don’t believe this!
Swapan Dasgupta: Haha! See you later, Arun !
Arun Jaitley: Bye, Swapan !
12:30 hours – BJP office canteen
Arun Jaitley: Hello!
Nitin Gadkari: Hello ..Arun ji ..busy ho?!
Arun Jaitley: Actually haan ..I’ve come out…about to have lunch…boliye ..
Nitin Gadkari: Arre haan..I wanted to ask you about that only …Dominos has come out with a new Cheesy Boloroni pizza ..I’m thinking of trying it out ..do you wanna join ?
Arun Jaitley: Nahin yaar ..you go ahead …I have loads of work to do !
Nitin Gadkari: Yesssss !! Aur haan, ek aur baat hai
Arun Jaitley: Jee ?
Nitin Gadkari: Some CBI guys started questioning me today and I fought them back !
Arun Jaitley: Wah, Nitin ji ! What did you say ?
Nitin Gadkari: Kuch bhi nahin Arun bhai ..all I did was ask them one question – “What will you do once the BJP comes into power?!”
Arun Jaitley: AAAAAAAAAAAAARGHHHHH !!!
Nitin Gadkari: Arun bhai ?! Kya hua ?! Hello!? Hello?! You there?!
1:00 Hours – BJP Headquarters
Arun Jaitley: Hello, Arun here. Who is this?
Arun Jaitley: Hello. Who is this?
(No response from other end)
Arun Jaitley: Oh. Is that you, Dr. Manmohan Singh? Answer only if it isn’t you, sir.
Arun Jaitley: Cool, so it is indeed you. So I take it this call is to request that we don’t boycott the Budget session now that Shinde has tendered an apology? I’ll take your silence for a yes.
Arun Jaitley: Great. Yeah, we are satisfied and there will be no boycott. We want to raise the chopper scam vociferously.
Arun Jaitley: Dr Singh, please say something. This conversation is getting very boring.
Dr. Manmohan Singh (in a feeble voice with great reluctance): Theek hai.
(Dr. Singh immediately disconnects)
15:00 hours – Jaitley’s residence
Arun Jaitley: Uh ..hell ..oooo ?
Voice at the other end: Mr.Jaitley ?!
Arun Jaitley: Uh ..yes ?!
Voice at the other end: Is this a good time to talk to you, sir ?!
Arun Jaitley: I was taking a good nap ..but go ahead ..what is it regarding ?
Voice at the other end: Sir, my name is Rupa and I’m calling from Standard-Chartered bank ..we are introducing new platinum credit card sir …
Arun Jaitley: AAAAAAAAAARGH !! GO TO HELL !!
Voice at other end: Sir ?! Sir ?!
16:20 hours – Jaitley’s office
Arun Jaitley: Hello ?!
Jayalalithaa: Good afternoon, Mr.Jaitley.
Arun Jaitley: Good afternoon, madam! Please tell me.
Jayalalithaa: Have you spoken something against the Congress ?!
Arun Jaitley: When haven’t I ?! Why, what happened ?
Jayalalithaa: Some Youth Congress chaps in Chennai are busy burning down posters of Celina Jaitley. So I was just wondering! Hehe! Good day!
Arun Jaitley: Haha! Good day to you too, Jaya ji !
17:00 hours – Jaitley’s office
Arun Jaitley: Hello!
Jagadish Shettar: Hello Arun sir ..
Arun Jaitley: Hi Jagadish, what’s up ?
Jagadish Shettar: Sir, problem again, sir. People are saying I’ve been the CM for too long and are demanding a change of CM.
Arun Jaitley: Aaargh ..I’ll call you back
19:30 hours – Jaitley’s residence
Arun Jaitley: Hello ?
Nitish Kumar: Hello Arun bhai, thanks for defending us against Katju ! Ab sirf ek kaam baakhi hai
Arun Jaitley: What ?
Nitish Kumar: Defend us against Modi !
Arun Jaitley: Aaah, not again !
Nitish Kumar: Come on, Arun bhai. You know very well we have to have a secular person as PM.
Arun Jaitley: Can we please discuss this some other time, Nitish ji ?! I’ve had a tiring day!
Nitish Kumar: Okay, I have another idea …
Arun Jaitley: What ?!
Nitish Kumar: Why don’t we have 2 PMs ? Make him the PM and me the Maha-PM !
Nitish Kumar: Hello ?! Arun bhai ?! Hello ?!
20:30 hours – Jaitley’s residence
Arun Jaitley: Hello?!
Narendra Modi: Namaste, Arun bhai !
Arun Jaitley: Namaskar, Modi ji !
Narendra Modi: Aap ka article ekdum jhakaas tha, Arun bhai !! Mujhe poora vishwaas hai ki 6 crore Gujaratiyon ko pasand aaya hoga! How was your day ?
Arun Jaitley: Haha ..thanks Modi bhai ..I’ve had a long day …but relaxing now, with half a glass of warm milk, before heading to sleep.
Narendra Modi: Haha! 2 things, Arun bhai – there’s nothing called half a glass…Your glass is full of milk and air. Second, the milk is surely from Gujarat ! Enjoy it !
Arun Jaitley: Sigh! Good night, Modi bhai !
21:00 hours – Jaitley’s residence
Arun Jaitley: Hello ?!
Arnab Goswami: MR. JAITLEY, PLEASE EXPLAIN YOUR REMARKS ON JUSTICE KATJU, MR.JAITLEY ! THE NATION WANTS TO KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN, MR.JAITLEY !!
Arun Jaitley: Ahh… I can’t take this any more. My ear drums just popped.
(Arun Jaitley throws away his mobile. Voice at the other end is still hollering “Mr. Jaitley, can you hear me? The nation demands an answer…”)
Arun (talking to his aide): Ramlal, please change my number pronto.
(Editor: With that, we lost the trail)