“Rajapaksa living in Eelam Camp, Muralidharan does not exist”: Sri Lankan military spokesperson

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The “official” Sri Lankan military spokesperson, Mr. Falsa Speaksilva, today stunned the journalists who had assembled for a press conference, rejecting, among other things, proof that Mahinda Rajapaksa was the President of Sri Lanka and that Muttiah Muralidharan existed. The incident occurred as Mr Speaksilva, as was routine, closed his eyes, shut his ears with his hands and proclaimed “they are lies and half truths!” each time journalists handed out photographic and videographic evidence of the torture meted out to ethnic Tamils during the Sri Lankan Civil War. A recent photograph of Mr Rajapaksa offering prayers at Tirumala was mixed up with other damning evidence, and a journalist inadvertently held up the picture and questioned its authenticity, to which the spokesperson (who refused to see or hear what the journalist was saying) replied “the person you show in the picture is well alive in an Eelam camp and due process will be taken for the person’s integration into the Sri Lankan society.” The journalist, in disbelief, then played an old video of Muttiah Muralidaran demolishing the Australian line-up, and to the suppressed mirth of those present, Mr Speaksilva shot back, saying “the person in the video does not exist and the actions showcased in the video are doctored.”

The journalists decided to have a little more fun and proceeded to state a number of facts, each of which was rejected and deemed as “false”, “lies” and “half truths” by Mr Speaksilva. A selection of the facts refuted by the military spokesperson is given below:

The sun is in the center of our solar system

India is bigger than Sri Lanka

Sri Lanka is bigger than Nauru

Sri Lanka begins with the alphabet “S”

Colombo ends with the letter “o”

Heart is a real organ in the human body

Mahinda Rajapaksa is the President of Sri Lanka

Three hours after the press conference ended, the cleaning personnel found Mr Falsa Speaksilva alone in the room, repeating the words “lies and half truths” in a monotone. He was then informed that the assembled journalists had dispersed long time ago, a fact he categorically rejected in the usual fashion, saying it was “a concoction of lies designed to specifically malign the image of Sri Lanka.” The cleaning personnel then shook their heads and left the room, allowing Mr Speaksilva to continue his one-man defense.

In related news, a new documentary “Sri Lanka: The Lying Fields,” is to be released, mainly comprising video footage of press conferences held by the Sri Lankan government.

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