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In a seminal contribution to the literature of political science, two researchers at Harvard have come up with a new finding that the best government India can ever dream of is that headed by Vodafone Zoozoos. This postulation followed from massive survey of half a million Indian citizens, in which 70% of the participants chose option D, Vodafone Zoozoo, to the question: “Whom do you want to be the next Prime Minister?” had four choices in the order: A) Manmohan Singh, B) Narendra Modi C) Rahul Gandhi and D) Vodafone Zoozoo.
The researchers have used the findings to formulate the Zero Citizen Expectation Law of Indian Psephology according to which the median Indian voter expects nothing (zero in the words of the scientists) from the Indian government other than titillation of the type provided by Zoozoos in the Vodafone ads. Following the great popularity of the Zoozoos, the researchers conducted an in depth study of the various factors contributing to good governance and bench-marked Zoozoos vis-a-vis the Indian ministers on these parameters in the past 10 years.
Typically success of a Minister in India revolves around a series of activities such as addressing press conferences, making comments on other political parties, watching IPL, commenting about spot fixing, aerially visiting places affected by floods, occasionally commenting about secularism, mooting the need of more and more ID cards on top of Pan Cards and Aadhaar Cards, inaugurating new projects and being a mute spectator in bilateral meetings. It was found that any of the above activities produced phenomenal personal success for the ministers with zero brain involvement, which the researchers termed the Zero Brain Model of politics. Indeed, politicians can be replaced by Zoozoos with minimal impact on governance outcomes, and is, in many ways, a variant of what the late BJP leader Pramod Mahajan famously said: “While [politicians] are elected and thrown out there is something called the permanent government and that is the babudom.”
This has led to the “Governance by Zero Decision Making” Law of governance, which states that Zoozoos can well remain as successful ministers with absolutely no involvement in governance. Indeed, replacing the entire Cabinet with Zoozoos may not lead to elimination of policy paralysis but it can certainly reduce the burden on the exchequer. “With no netas to worry about, high level corruption will get eliminated and remain confined to only the bureaucracy, resulting in lakhs of crores of savings,” revealed a feckless bureaucrat on condition of anonymity. First order benefits include savings on salaries, perks, Lutyens bungalows. The researches have dubbed this the Zero Expenditure Service Model.
When asked about how they came with such a revolutionary theory based on so many zeroes, the researchers emotionally credited Union Minister Kapil Sibal’s famous “Zero Loss theory” for inspiring them in their endeavors. After this study came out, Arnab Goswami nailed down the Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh in a cage for more than three minutes as he raged, “Mr Singh, aren’t you not ashamed of yourselves? After nine years of seeing you as the Prime Minister, the nation prefers a Zoozoo as your successor. Mr Singh, THE NATION DEMANDS AN EXPLANATION.” Though MMS tried to parry the verbal bombardment with a combination of his time tested muting strategy complemented by a grimaced countenance, Arnab’s 60 decibel rants eventually forced Sonia to pull the plug on the audio feed and save Dr. Singh from permanent aural damage. The Prime Minister is now convalescing in AIIMS.