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With the Indian economy staring into the abyss, Superstar Rajinikanth has decided to take matters into his own hands to save billions of Indians from impending economic distress. In a real life operation conducted over land and under sea, he first dug a tunnel from Oman to the Eccles Building in Washington D.C., home to the Federal Reserve, the central bank of the United States, and stole half-a-trillion dollars ($500,000,000,000) in cash. He then dove into the Arabian Sea and laid an under-water pipeline to extract oil from Saudi Arabia and transport it to the Indian west coast. This daring heist bears uncanny resemblance to his celluloid capers: he had similarly resuscitated the Indian economy by looting black money from the coffers of venal politicians, bureaucrats and industrialists in his yesteryear hit movie, Shivaji.
This sudden disappearance of liquidity from the US economy means that US Federal Reserve Chairman, Ben Bernanke, will have to scuttle his plans to taper off the QE programme that had triggered a sharp rise in long-term interest rates in the US, thereby inducing investors to pull their investments out of the Indian economy, causing the rupee to slide precipitously. The rupee is set to rise again as FIIs, heartened by Rajini’s intervention, pump hot money back into the Indian capital markets.
However, Rajinikanth would not be Rajinikanth if he merely believed in short-term measures. He has decided to tackle the structural issues bedeviling the Indian economy head-on. First, he plans to invest 20 billion of the stolen dollars through Baba Hedge Funds into the Indian stock markets. This sudden inflow will assuage the sentiments of the foreign investors who were getting cagey about India’s slowing economy. Consequently, the markets are expected to pick up after the latest blood bath caused by the passage of SoniaG’s dreams the Food Security Bill.
He will then pump over a hundred billion dollars via FDI into the defence sector to build robots like those in his movie Robot. Other defence plans include developing Muthu missiles – nuclear capable MIRV ICBMs with a range of 8000 km – and Baasha Anti-Missile Defence System that will seek and destroy enemy missiles in the outer space.
He plans to open a Shivaji Bank that will offer interest-free loans to the poor. This will stimulate investment activity, which has been hitherto sluggish, owing to high interest rates under a hawkish RBI. He also plans to take care of the three villains of the economy, namely inflation, the current account deficit (CAD) and unsustainable subsidies, with a single bullet: stolen oil from the Middle East. Sweet crude piped from Saudi oil fields via an under-sea pipeline will help wipe out the CAD and allow the Indian government to supply petrol and diesel to the aam aadmi free-of-cost without burdening the exchequer.
For the long-term benefit of the economy, he also used some money to grease the palms of some politicians and bureaucrats to hasten the regulatory and environmental clearances for infrastructure investments worth seven lakh crore that have been in limbo due to red tape. All these moves are expected to put the economy back on a double-digit growth path regardless of Rajiv Gandhi’s dreams, Sonia Gandhi’s whims, and Rahul Gandhi’s deeply philosophical musings.
At the time of press, latest information from our sources indicates that Rajinikanth is planning a major heist of chicken from China to tackle the high food inflation caused by higher demand for protein products.