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Venue: Jasuben Pizza, Ahmedabad
Bharati Jain watches Nirmal Patel drive off in his Mercedes and heaves a sigh of relief. “God, I thought he’d never go!” she mumbles, as she fingers the expensive looking diamond ring Nirmal had left with her. Diamond ring or not, there was no way she was marrying that Gujarati businessman after that hour long boring proposal.
As she waits at the roadside table for her pizza order, she notices something strange – hundreds of people wearing Modi masks surround the shop, blocking the road and causing the traffic to be diverted.
“Modi! Modi!” they chant.
A dozen reporters along with their cameramen enter the fray, jostling for space with the placard brandishing supporters. The restaurant quickly fills up with customers who offer to pay an additional Rs. 5 to watch what is to follow, immediately prompting a nearby reporter from a prominent newspaper to begin penning down a report on racial profiling.
Meanwhile, Twitter witnesses feverish activity. #NaMoProposal is already the number one trend, followed by #FekuProposal. Jasuben Pizza also makes it to the top 10. Sagarika weighs in…
…which immediately draws several angry responses…
Modi himself announces his intentions… in several languages:
At Jasuben’s Pizza, just as Modi is about to begin, the restaurant owner comes up to him and says, “Sir, an old customer of mine wants to meet you.”
“I feel blessed! Please send him in,” says Modi, and promptly touches the feet of the old gentleman who follows, and seeks his blessings. The crowd goes wild.
Modi looks at Bharati, then at his supporters and shouts, “BHARAT MATA KI…?” and receives a thunderous “JAI” from everyone gathered around.
“BHAIYON BEHNON!!! Kuch der pehle maine Nirmal Patel ka proposal suna. Maine socha itne bade businessman hain, kuch to bolenge, jisse Bharati ji ka dil khush ho jaaye… jisse desh mein ek doosre se sachcha pyaar karne waale yuvako ka haunsla badhe…” says Modi, and pauses.
“Lekin pata nahi kyun, unke proposal se aisa kuch sunne ko nahi mila!”
“NIRMAL PATEL JI!!! Aapne apne proposal mein apne pitaji ki jaaydaad ka zikar kiya, apne 50 crore ki business ka zikar kiya, apne bungalow ka zikar kiya…”
“Lekin acha hota agar aapne Bharati ji ke career aspirations ka zikar kiya hota! ACHA HOTA, agar aapne Bharati ji ke maa baap ka zikar kiya hota! Unke sapno ka zikar kiya hota!”
He pauses. He lowers his voice a touch and says, “Aap apne parivar ke bhakti mein itne DOOB GAYE Nirmal Patel ji, ki aapko kuch aur nahi dikha!!!”
A cheer runs through the crowd. Bharati’s eyes well up with tears.
“Sirf yeh hi nahi, mitron!” he resumes in his normal voice. “Nirmal Patel ji ne kahaa ki yeh inka pehla pyaar hai! Ki vae complete bachelor hain!”
“Mein hairaan hoon, mitron! ” exclaims Modi with a tone of incredulity. “50 crore ka bachelor!!!”
“50 CRORE KA BACHELOR!!!” he repeats in a louder tone. “Mitron, aapne kahin dekha hai, 50 crore ka bachelor?”
A ripple of laughter travels through the crowd.
“Rupay paison ki baat KAR KE….aapne Bharati ji ka APMAN kiya hai! Apne daulat ka zikar kar ke Nirmal Patel ji ne Bharati ji ke naram dil ko gehri CHHOT pahunchaya hai.”
“KYA AISA PATI INKO SURAKSHIT RAKH PAYEGA?!?” he roars.
“NAHIIII!!” the crowd answers.
“KYA AISA PATI INKO KHUSH RAKH PAYEGA?!?”
“KYA INKO AISE AADMI KA PROPOSAL SVEEKAR KARNA CHAHIYE?!?”
“Nirmal Patel pe shaq hein mera!” Modi declares. “Waqt aa gaya Bharati ji… Ek Nirmal mukt zindagi jeene ka!!!”
The crowd watches with bated breath as Modi takes a sip of water.
“NIRMAL PATEL JI!!!” he hollers with renewed vigour. “Aaj to desh ki maang hain. Aao! Aao, spardha karen! Ek spardha ho jaaye hamaare aur aapke beech mein, Bharati ji ke saamne. Humari kamiyan bhi baahar aayen, aapki achaiyiyan bhi baahar aayen, lekin desh mein ek tandrust mahaul bane, desh mein ‘true love’ ki charcha hogi!”
“Gujarat mein humne sachcha pyaar kar ke dikhaya hai,” he continue after a pause. “P2G2 mitron! Pro Patni, Good Gruhasti! Yeh mera marital philosophy hai. Minimum Affliction, Maximum Affection!”
“Aur mene kabhi nahi kaha ki mera pyaar sirf mera apna hai. Mere pyaar mein, che crore gujaratiyon ka pyaar juda hai!”
The crowd whistles its approval; Bharati however looks a tad bewildered.
Modi now meets Bharati’s eyes, slowly goes down on one knee and offers her a glass of milk from Gujarat.
“Agar aapko mera proposal sveekar hai, to mere saath milke ek mantra boliye…. YUSSSS WE CAN!!! AND YUSSSS WE WILL!!!”
Bharati smiles coyly, accepts the glass of milk and shyly says, “Yes we can, and yes we will!”
The crowd goes ballistic. Festivities erupt, and the deafening din threatens to bring the very sky down. A triumphant Modi holds his lady love’s hand and turns to the crowd.
“VANDE!!! “ he roars.
“MAATARAM!!!” thunders the crowd.
On Twitter, Modi’s internet fans go on a hyper drive, their enthusiasm almost equally matched by the tweets of left liberals and scores of paid Congress hacks. NitiCentral editor tweets:
Not to be left behind, the master of sense and sensibility digs in as well:
… as does the creative Times of India:
And no list is complete without Sagarika’s tweet:
Meanwhile, BJP veteran LK Advani gets busy writing his latest blogpost titled, “Why proposing in private is the right thing to do.”
Back at Jasuben’s, even as Modi triumphantly leads Bharati out of the restaurant through the rapturous crowd, a journalist from Reuters confronts him. “Sir, what does matrimony mean for you?”
Modi looks the journalist in the eye, and says, “Matrimony to me is Biwi first!”
“Also, Sir, would you have been sad had she turned down your proposal?”
Modi pauses to think. “Dukh kisko nahi hoga. Agar ek kutte ka bachcha…” he begins before being abruptly interrupted by a bear hug from BJP President Rajnath Singh. “Badhai ho, Modi bhai!” Rajnath exults.
Meanwhile, Modi’s blushing lady love herself is accosted by a petite journalist with a bob cut.
“But madam, aren’t you aware that Modi is a highly controversial person who has loads of controversies behind him and that you’re taking a very big risk by agreeing to marry someone who is so controversial?” asks Nidhi Razdan.