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In a shocking turn of events, the Bharatiya Janata Party (BJP) has announced that they will push for legislation to criminalise being left-handed. In a hurriedly held press conference, Dr. Vijay Sahasrabudhi swore to continue his party’s stand against anything that is against the order of nature (like homosexuality) or non-Hindu (like, well, everyone else).
“We, as a nationalist party, cannot condone the unnatural way these lefties live their lives. This trend needs to be arrested. Therefore, I have prepared a petition which will be filed in the Supreme Court tomorrow to make being left-handed illegal,” Dr. Sahasrabudhi said.
BJP president, Mr. Rajnath Singh, who recently supported the Supreme Court decision on Section 377, was also present at the press conference. “I blame the western culture for the trend of left handed people. According to our culture, you do not eat with your left hand. It is meant for cleaning up after a bowel movement. Everything you do, you do with your right hand. If not for the west’s influence, we’d all be a nation of right-handed Hindu nationalists!” he thundered.
Sensing the mood in the room, Dr. Sahasrabudhi argued, “In a totally legitimate poll done by Niti Central, a totally unbiased, truthful media giant, around 87% people said they are right handed. More than three-fourth of this number felt that being left-handed is a disease and it can cause mental problems. So, the more humane thing to do is either beat them out of this unnatural habit at a young age or put them in jail where they can live with the other freaks.”
In a lengthy article published in DNA, Dr. Sahasrabudhi also considered disenfranchising left-handed people unless they admit that their ancestors were originally right-handed. He also appealed to right-handed people, whom he fondly calls “righties”, to “collectively respond against the lefties and not individually isolated, or worse, be complacent because he or she is not personally affected.
Twitter debated the issue furiously with the hashtag #IFeelLeftOut trending in support of left-handed people. Right-wingers predictably toed the BJP line with their own hashtag #LeftAintRight.
The Congress party issued a statement condemning the BJP move once it was clear that at least 13% of the Indian electorate was left-handed. The Congress PM-candidate-in-waiting, Rahul Gandhi said such a petition should be thrown out of the window since it was complete nonsense.
Political analysts are waiting to see which minority group gets targeted by political parties for no fault of theirs.