India’s unofficial list of retaliatory measures to humiliate US over Devyani Khobragade incident

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In a surprising display of spunk over the escalating diplomatic row over the arrest and shabby treatment of Indian diplomat Devyani Khobragade, India has come up with an official and an unofficial list of countermeasures designed to bring the mighty US to its knees, double over and apologize for its heavy-handed treatment of Ms Khobragade, who was charged with involvement in a visa fraud case regarding her maid. While the official list of measures have been published in mainstream Indian newspapers,  The Unreal Times overseas affairs correspondent, Firang Desi, manged to snatch the unofficial list from  a peon in a Central government office.:

G14 Classified: Private and Confidential: Unofficial list of retaliatory measures designed to humiliate the US government and its diplomats serving in India:

1) Blanket ban on American movies that portray India in a bad light. Cinema and multiplex owners need to use their discretion to prevent the screening of movies that show India as a backward country. The first movie that will be banned from public showing in India would be Maid in Manhattan. Clarification: The ban applies only to American movies and not Indian movies that insinuate that Indians have a bad taste. Therefore, movies starring Uday Chopra and Tusshar Kapoor, Fardeen/Zayed Khan, and that guy who resembles Hrithik Roshan and who acted in What’s Your Rashee can be continue to be screened.

2)  US citizens (both diplomats and tourists/business travelers) will no longer be allowed to take photographs of cows on the road and share it through Facebook or Twitter with the caption ‘Cows on the Road!! Happens Only in India!!’ However, citizens from other countries are exempted from this ban. Pictures of half-finished highways, selfies with elderly Indians shivering in the cold on the roadside, people walking in the middle of the road and elusive pictures of unbroken pavements are exempted, though.

3) Pizzas and cappuccinos (the official national food of the USA) will henceforth be slapped with an additional ‘Anti-Patriot!’ tax. Also, American fast-food restaurants and cafes like Starbucks will be forced to sell their food at the original price and not at the foreign exchange rate.

4)  The original 123 Nuclear Agreement (drafted in English) between the US and India will be destroyed and will be replaced by versions in 17 official languages of India. The 17 versions will be couriered to the US, which will also be forced to pay for the courier charges.

5) Foreigners speaking with an American accent in India can attract a fine of up to $62.5. However, this fine does not apply to US-returned Indians holding a valid Indian passport. American accent is also henceforth unofficially ‘uncool’ in India.

6) 24 hour uninterrupted power supply to US embassies and residences of US diplomats will be drastically reduced to 23.5 hours, especially in Chennai.

7) Local police and Black Mamba special elite security forces will no longer stand guard in hundreds outside US embassies and consulates all over India. The US embassies will also not be provided with a higher security cover than the Prime Minister’s residence. Also, the protection provided to the US ambassador to India will witness a huge scale down, and will now equal that of the Indian Prime Minister.

8) Through these initial measures, the Government of India hopes to teach a befitting lesson to the US. However, if these measures do not work, India would not hesitate to bring out its secret weapon to bully US into releasing Ms Devyani: sending Gap10 Vijaykanth on English-speaking tours throughout the United States.

9) And if that also fails, then this:

(Pic in point number 9 courtesy columnist Ajayendar Reddy)

Divya Srikanth

About Divya Srikanth

Writer, Surfer, Dancer, Rockstar, Punctual.. Wish I was all these and more!

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