LEAKED: AAP’s stunt calendar for the month leading up to General Elections

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Why is it that every time we switch on the news, there’s invariably one Aam Aadmi Party leader hollering away at Modi, communalism or corruption (in that order)? Is AAP inordinately lucky (or unlucky) to get such media coverage? Or is there a method behind the madness? The UnReal Times correspondent Binod Vinny, after being denied an AAP Lok Sabha ticket to contest from Timbuktu, sneaked into Yogendra Yadav’s office, broke open the safe, and stole the following “Stunt” calendar, which we bring to our readers:

 

Week 1
11-Mar Tuesday Kejriwal to infiltrate Modi’s chai pe charcha in disguise and ask him about gas pricing
12-Mar Wednesday Yogendra Yadav to claim God came in front of him last night, and blessed him for taking on the corrupt forces of the country (Note: Arrange for a halo to be made beforehand)
13-Mar Thursday Kejriwal to write to President Obama asking him 16 questions about his policies
14-Mar Friday Acrobatic Ashutosh Day: Ashutosh to scale the Qutub Minar with his bare hands
15-Mar Saturday Ink Day: Manish Sisodia to get inked by guy who is to shout ‘Vande mataram’ before smearing ink
16-Mar Sunday Sunday Dharna: Stage protest in front of meteorological department for extended winter in Delhi
Week 2
17-Mar Monday Kejriwal to visit Modi’s estranged wife Yashodaben, empathise with her and tell her Modi is in Ambani’s pockets
18-Mar Tuesday Kejriwal to throw a puppy under Modi’s car. If puppy dies, declare Modi communal. If puppy survives, Kejriwal to claim credit for rescuing puppy from communal Modi
19-Mar Wednesday Kejriwal to declare he saw aliens in Gujarat, slam Modi for illegally harbouring aliens.
20-Mar Thursday Call Dalai Lama from the AAP number. When Dalai Lama returns call and automatically becomes member, declare that Dalai Lama has joined AAP
21-Mar Friday Acrobatic Ashutosh Day: Ashutosh to streak onto the pitch in the middle of India vs Pakistan T20 match
22-Mar Saturday Ink Day: Sanjay Singh to get inked by a guy wearing khaki shorts
23-Mar Sunday Sunday Dharna: Stage protest in front of all Reliance Fresh shops in Gujarat. When police comes to arrest, declare Modi an Ambani agent
Week 3
24-Mar Monday Kejriwal to troll Modi’s Twitter account with his 16 questions, with the hashtag #YoModiSoDeveloped
25-Mar Tuesday Kejriwal to audit Ameesha Patel’s career, and demand explanation for her flops. If she’s unable to explain, Kejriwal to declare Gujarat model as a mega failure
26-Mar Wednesday Kejriwal to storm into Times Now studio and demand appointment with Arnab Goswami
27-Mar Thursday AAP workers to gherao SIT chief RK Raghavan’s residence for giving clean chit to communal Modi
28-Mar Friday Acrobatic Ashutosh Day: Ashutosh to jump onto his desk in the middle of a heated panel discussion on Newshour and bare his teeth at BJP spokesperson Ravi Shankar Prasad
29-Mar Saturday Ink Day: Kumar Vishwas to get inked by a guy who’s to shout “Har Har Modi, Ghar Ghar Modi” before smearing ink (Note: Arrange for saffron coloured ink)
30-Mar Sunday Kejriwal to appear on Satyamev Jayate, burst out crying citing the atrocities of Ambani and his agent Modi against the aam aadmi.
Week 4
31-Mar Monday Kejriwal to demand why the Sir title is given to Ravindra Jadeja but not Irfan Pathan, and declare Modi communal
1-Apr Tuesday Kejriwal to travel to Gir forest. AAP worker to put his hand inside lion’s mouth. If it bites, Kejriwal to claim Modi’s lions are communal and vicious, if it doesn’t bite, Kejriwal to claim Modi’s lions are scared of AAP
2-Apr Wednesday AAP’s National Executive to undertake past-life hypnosis. Declare that in their previous lives, Yogendra Yadav was Martin Luther King, Kumar Vishwas was Rabindranath Tagore and Kejriwal was Mahatma Gandhi
3-Apr Thursday Massive protest in front of Rail Bhavan against IRCTC server with stone pelting, chair throwing, the works (Note: Should be able to avoid a backlash given that it’s IRCTC)
4-Apr Friday Acrobatic Ashutosh Day: Ashutosh to enrol as a contestant in the US Spelling Bee championship (Note: Should make international news and boost NRI donations)
5-Apr Saturday Blockbuster Ink Day: Entire National Executive to get inked by a Modi lookalike
6-Apr Sunday Rest Day: Should be able to make news simply because we took a break from making news


(With inputs from columnists Ashwin Kumar and Ajayendar Reddy)

Karthik

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