Vladimir Putin, the indomitably charming and age-defying President of Russia (plus shirtless fishing veteran, dolphin swimmer, horse rider, savior of baby birds, freelance archaeological diver, and the current rockstar on the international political circuit) has been appointed as the chief strategic consultant for India in order to bring a once-for-all end to the Kashmir issue.
According to a thoroughly star struck senior Indian diplomat who was caught Google searching for ‘The Putin Diet’, the Indian foreign service officials are thoroughly exhausted by the half-century of haggling on the Kashmir issue. The current Indian government, which has decided to adopt a ‘YOGEO!’ (you only get elected once) attitude to the upcoming elections, has decided to put an end to the Kashmir conflict by consulting with the Russian president on the best way to ensure an amicable resolution.
Putin is expected to dispense advice structured on the peaceful and democratic annexation of Crimea region by Russia from the independent state of Ukraine. ‘We were absolutely bowled over by the cool manner in which Crimea was made a part of Russia. I mean, in this day and age, can you imagine?! That’s when it struck us that Putin was the best person to solve the Kashmir issue. I mean, if you could do it under Obama’s nose in Europe, you might as well do it under Obama’s nose in Asia!’ the diplomat gleefully added.
She then stated that the paperwork would be put in place for Putin to be formally appointed as the consultant. When The Unreal Times contacted the Pakistani and Chinese officials for their reaction on this development, they just shook their heads good-naturedly and laughed, saying ‘the key word here is “paperwork”. Come back for our reactions after the paperwork is done. BOOYAH’