In an exclusive scoop, The UnReal Times has uncovered shocking details of Narendra Modi’s evil plan to declare Emergency in the country as the first of his many steps towards world domination. In news that may not come as a surprise to many journalists, Arvind Kejriwal and the entire Congress party, we have discovered disturbing evidence that suggests that the nation has already been reeling under the effects of what can only be described as the “second coming of the Emergency” over the last 15 months.
Readers may recall that it was only a few days back when nearly everyone in the media agreed with Congress party spokespeople and Arvind Kejriwal who in turn agreed with LK Advani who had emphatically proclaimed that it cannot be ruled out that the second coming of the Emergency is not impossible to rule out. No one else in the country at that time had any idea what Advani was talking about. Our investigative report, we hope, will bring some much needed clarity to the citizens of India, many of whom have got into the habit of ignoring the media, Congress, Kejriwal and Advani.
About a month back, we received a call from an anonymous AAP party member (who, we are pretty sure, was Ashutosh) who asked us point blank, “Be honest. Aren’t you fellows getting a slight Emergency feel?” Inspired by that courageous call to action, we went to work towards uncovering Modi’s hegemony plans. As a first step, we contacted the Prime Minister’s Office to seek an interview with Narendra Modi. Our plan was to trick Modi into somehow confessing his dastardly plans. To our surprise, Modi readily agreed to the interview and even served us hot chai as we spoke. Following are excerpts from that shocking, tell-all interview.
URT: Sir, we want to know one thing first. Are you going to declare Emergency, sir? Media is comparing you to Hitler, sir. Sir, please tell us clearly what your plans are.
Modi: Thambi [younger brother], I have utmost faith in the media. They are very bright people. They always investigate thoroughly before saying anything. If they are saying that I am Hitler and I am going to declare Emergency, it must be true, no?
URT: Sir, we are still not clear.. Does this mean that you’re going to declare Emergency or not?
Modi: Of course, I’m going to declare Emergency. Unfortunately, there has been some slight delay in doing so. I have been wanting to declare Emergency for the last 15 months ever since BJP won a single party majority and chose me as PM. I have been so busy doing work, traveling abroad to raise investments, etc that I haven’t had time to announce it formally yet. I am hoping that I can get around to it once I get the Land Acquisition Bill passed. Don’t worry. Worst case, I’ll declare it during my second term after I am re-elected. Happy?
URT: Sir, don’t pretend to be a nice guy, hardworking guy and all. We know what you are upto. Look at this photo that Mihir Sharma tweeted to us. 90 people have RT’ed it. All these people sitting in straight lines and doing yoga. Does it remind you of anything?
Modi: Does it remind YOU of anything?
URT: Sir, as you can see, Mihir says it didn’t remind him of anything by which he meant it reminded him of something very very bad, sir. Sir, Mihir said, “mass regimentation.” Of course, it is supposed to remind us of Hitler and Nazis, sir. Do you think we are dumb, sir? Don’t be angry with Mihir, sir. Without him, no one would know anything, sir.
Modi: Who is this Mihir you keep talking about, yaar? Why should I be angry at him? He seems to be a very clever fellow. I don’t know how he has been able to read my mind so clearly and thoroughly. He is reading my mind like how Voldemort used to read Harry’s mind. I’m getting slightly worried about him, yaar.
URT: Sir, please don’t avoid the matter here. Come to the point, sir, and please tell us all full details of what you are planning to do, when, how, etc. you are planning to declare Emergency, sir? Is this International Yoga Day a ruse to trick people into joining your private army, sir? Please admit the truth, sir. We’re recording this whole thing on our cell phone, sir.
Modi: How did you fellows find out that International Yoga Day is a long con, an elaborate and painful way for me to become a dictator?
URT: Sir, Mihir told us. Don’t hide anything from us, sir. Mihir knows everything you’re doing, sir. He tells us everything on Twitter, sir. He writes columns in newspaper, sir. He is telling everything to everyone, sir. Unfortunately, no one is listening only, sir. Everyone is laughing, sir. Only we listened to him, sir. Now tell us all the full details without any further delay, sir.
Modi: OMG, this Mihir Sharma is turning out to be a much more brilliant fellow than I thought. He is completely correct, thambi. I’m slowly assembling an army made up of only high school children and elderly ladies and gentlemen. Middle aged people can also join if they are out of shape. You must have seen these people sitting obediently in rows and columns on International Yoga Day, which as you er… Mihir has rightly pointed out, is nothing more than a clever ruse to turn India into Nazi Germany. Even Ban Ki-moon and the UN fell for it. (Evil LOL) I will deploy this army at a suitable time when they are fully trained.
URT: Sir, OMG, sir. So, Mihir was absolutely right, sir. It is true, sir. How are you training this fearsome army of children and elderly people, sir?
Modi: We are teaching them Yoga and meditation. Our experts have told us that deep breathing is the most important technique that fighters and revolutionaries must learn. Once they are well versed in Surya Namaskar and some 36 different asanas in which Baba Ramdev is personally training them, they will become blood thirsty warriors and ready for battle. At that point, I will overthrow my own government and declare myself the dictator of India.
URT: Sir, what do you plan to do with this invincible army after declaring Emergency, sir?
Modi: I plan to march with this dangerous army of deep breathers into Thailand. Myanmar is already our territory, as you know. Once we have Thailand and Myanmar under our regime, Malaysia and Singapore will be only be a short leap away. Soon, the rest of Asia will follow. Who knows, the world too.. some day.. except West Bengal, of course.. It is unrealistic to expect to bring Didi under anyone’s control, I know. I don’t want to dream that far yet..
URT: Sir, this is very bad.. it is evil, sir. Sir, why are you doing this, sir? Please don’t do this, sir…
Modi: Why not, thambi? If you want to know why, it is because of sheer boredom, thambi. I have not lost one single election since 2000. I have won in Gujarat. I have won in Varanasi. My party, BJP, has won single majority in the national elections. We swept Uttar Pradesh. The number of seats Congress won is less than young Rahul Gandhi’s age. All this winning elections after elections and doing things democratically is getting very tedious and boring, yaar. I am already sixty four years old. I want to live life a little. You know, I want to be adventurous. I want to enjoy life like how other people are enjoying. I want to be authoritarian like the Hindu newspaper and stamp out non-vegetarian people in their cafetaria. I want to misbehave inside a lift like Tarun Tejpal. I want to be like Aamir Khan and tell everyone what is right and what is wrong. I want to be like Rajdeep Sardesai and write a book and force everyone to read it. I want to tweet uncontrolled and unadulterated bullshit like Sagarika. I have only one life to live and so many things I would like to do. But I’m asking for only one thing in life, yaar.. that I want to become a dictator like Arvind Kejriwal. Please understand and excuse, thambi.. Only one time I want to declare Emergency like Indira Gandhi.. Only once. After that, we will go back to being democratic like the Congress party..
URT: Only once, sir? Are you sure, sir?
Modi: God promise. Only once.
URT: Thank you, sir. We now completely understand what is going on. One small request before we wind up, sir.
Modi: What is it, thambi?
URT: Selfie, sir? Sir, only once please… please, sir. Please adjust, sir.