Asanshol, November 31st.
In a startling incident, a budding playback singer resting under a portrait of Kishore Kumar in the recording studio got a mysterious, tight slap today.
“It was spooky”, gasped Bitto (whose real name is Bewda Autotunerwallah), the rising star. “I’d just finished recording the re-mixed version of the remixed version of the evergreen melody ‘Pal pal dil ke paas…‘. Just before that I’d recorded similarly re-mixed versions of the re-mixed versions of other evergreens like ‘Dil me chhupa loonga…‘ and even ‘Mahi ve‘. I’m a teetotaller and hence was exhausted after the marathon sessions of singing in an sleepy-constipated-drunkard’s voice to give my voice the “right” feel. I was grabbing a nap on the chair below Kishoreda’s portrait in the empty waiting hall, and all of a sudden I got the tightest slap I’ve ever got in my life. I swear, there was no one around. Just me and the portrait. Could it really have been….?” his voice tapered off, his right cheek swollen and ear still buzzing with an audible beep from the trauma.
Too good to sound true, this reporter attempted to contact the spirit of the timeless mercurial legend with some help from the internet. In a major breakthrough, the Kishoreda’s spirit made a “connect” with this reporter and conveyed the frustrations of the legends of bygone eras. “Spirits really don’t exist, but solely for this one reason, God has made an exception”, he said. “SD, Panchamda, and a score of illustrious playback singers and lyricists have conveyed their frustrations over the rape of their legacies over the last few years- especially even the credits being usurped by these good-for-nothing-unoriginal-thankless-young chaps. I felt a wee bit disappointed after slapping that young man earlier today, but please understand that it was on behalf of our entire generation from the 70′s and 80′s… and no one else but me would probably do it. All those pent-up emotions were concentrated in that slap, hence it was way much tighter than I’d intended. It’s not just about copyright… its about the art. I hope you understand”.
Last heard, several scared new-age singers and composers were scurrying to get photos of yesteryears’ legends off the walls in their homes and studios; some complained of sore bottoms and discovered photos of their “idols” in their wallets, which they promptly got rid of. A few, on the other hand, were seen doing silent “aartis” (sans their singing) to the photos, in a bid to placate emotions.
“It’s like overnight demonetisation for us new-age musicians”, commented a notorious plagiariser-cum-jugde of several reality shows. This is going to cause serious inconvenience to the common man. Imagine their sorry plight when they’ll be forced to listen to our original tunes 24×7! They’ll soon beg for mercy” he sneered.
As per preliminary statistics, song output in Bollywood is expected to drop by 86% over the next few weeks, hopefully marking an end of a mindless era of stolen ‘inspired’ works.