The UnReal Times http://www.theunrealtimes.com India's favorite satire, spoof, parody and humour portal - Politics, Cricket, Business, Governance, Technology, Foreign Affairs and more Mon, 03 Aug 2015 04:27:25 +0000 en-US hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.4.2 Desperate Sonia directs Dr Manmohan Singh to lend voice to ongoing protests in Parliamenthttp://www.theunrealtimes.com/2015/08/03/desperate-sonia-directs-dr-manmohan-singh-to-lend-voice-to-ongoing-protests-in-parliament/ http://www.theunrealtimes.com/2015/08/03/desperate-sonia-directs-dr-manmohan-singh-to-lend-voice-to-ongoing-protests-in-parliament/#comments Mon, 03 Aug 2015 04:11:54 +0000 UnReal Mama http://www.theunrealtimes.com/?p=40185

Image via newindianexpress.com

The Congress is determined to continue staging protests on the floor of the House and making life difficult for the ruling dispensation. However, with drastically reduced numbers and major non NDA parties refusing to join their ranks, the Congress is finding the going tough.

“Only the 4 AAP MPs share our sense of indignation over the state of governance and mounting corruption,” a Congress MP told The UnReal Times. “The rest seem happy cutting deals with the government.”

Under these circumstances, the Congress needs all the lung power it can muster. And so every Congress MP has been directed by the High Command to exercise his vocal chords to full effect. That means even Dr Singh.

“Sonia ji doesn’t want any passengers on her team. Every MP has been instructed to scream his or her lungs out. Dr Singh is no exception. He may be the vice-captain of the team and an erudite, soft-spoken scholar but he needs to contribute through robust vocal interventions,” a top leader and Gandhi family loyalist revealed.

The Singh household confirmed the developments. “Naturally, papa is upset,” Dr Singh’s daughter, Upinder, told The UnReal Times. “He was soo looking forward to chilling out in the Opposition, not having to give statements or listen to harangues by Sushma ji. Why, he was even looking forward to the occasional intervention in policy debates on some arcane point . But now, suddenly he’s been told he’ll have to scream with the others and behave in a boisterous manner. Papa is ok with stuff like CBI interrogation, ex-bureaucrats and aides writing tell-all memoirs etc. But exercising his vocal chords….Papa is NOT OK with that.”

Dr Singh let it be known through a written note that he feels let down once again. “As PM I was forced to do things I was uncomfortable with. Looks like life in the opposition will be no different,” Dr Singh observed.

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Sense of Moralityhttp://www.theunrealtimes.com/2015/08/02/the-sense-of-morality/ http://www.theunrealtimes.com/2015/08/02/the-sense-of-morality/#comments Sun, 02 Aug 2015 08:23:20 +0000 Pankaj Vaidya http://www.theunrealtimes.com/?p=40178 Rupesh had just returned home after working abroad for 3 months. His work assignment required him to spend a month each in three Nordic countries: Finland, Norway and Denmark.

Rupesh’s mother wanted him to go and meet Mr. and Mrs. Joshi and seek their blessings before he met anyone else. Mr. and Mrs. Joshi, a pious old couple were distant relatives of Rupesh. Both of them used to give discourses on ethical and moral values. After every such session, the acquaintances who had flocked to hear them would queue up to touch their feet.

As instructed by his mother, Rupesh met Mr. and Mrs. Joshi, greeted them respectfully, touched their feet and took their blessings. He also gave them the gifts he had brought from abroad. Mr. and Mrs. Joshi were happy to see him and started asking about his experiences. The discussion turned to food.

“What! They eat non-vegetarian food including reindeers! Non-vegetarian food is tamasic!” exclaimed Mrs. Joshi, a strict vegetarian, as Rupesh explained the Nordic diet.

Mr. Joshi sneered when he heard that people were not pious and did not worship much.

The topic turned to relationships and the Joshis were horrified when they heard from Rupesh that couples often live in lifelong live in relationships and bring up families without getting formally married. “Such an immoral civilization! They are no better than animals!” exclaimed Mr. Joshi.

Well, thought Rupesh, they are right. One of Joshis’ sons was in an extra martial relationship, but they convinced him to give it up and save his marriage. So their son respected the institution of marriage unlike the Nordic people, he thought.

They once again expressed disgust when they heard that nudity was quite common in the Nordic countries. “Well,” said Mrs. Joshi, “My son was in London for a year and those people are very civilized. There is no such obscenity there.”

True, thought Rupesh. The British were civilized and they colonized and made the entire world civilized.

“Such immoral people,” Mrs. Joshi added.

Makes sense, thought Rupesh. He remembered travelling in London and Paris metros where he had to swipe his ticket at the ticket barrier before the gates opened and he was allowed in. And he remembered seeing some people jumping over the barriers during the off peak hours when the stations were desolated. He wondered if it was because the Nordic countries had no sense of morality that they did not enforce this through ticket barriers. Commuter could swipe voluntarily if they want to.

Just then one of their grand-daughters returned from school. The first thing she did when she entered the house was to touch the feet of her grandparents and take their blessings.

“See, my grand-daughters are so cultured, well-mannered and honest,” said Mrs. Joshi proudly. “This is how we bring up our kids.”

The little one exclaimed, “I again came on half ticket today!”

Mrs. Joshi laughed and explained to Rupesh, “Since she looks so small, she convinces the bus conductor to give her a half ticket. See, she is so smart!”

Mrs. Joshi got Rupesh some snacks to eat.

Mr. Joshi said, “Rupesh, try these snacks. All of these packaged foods are from reputed companies and all are export grade. You will rarely find them in our local shops.”

Mr. Joshi who worked as a Food and Drug Quality Inspector in the Mumbai Municipal Corporation said, “I have always done my work honestly. I never ask anyone for anything and only accept if someone gifts me. It is not nice to refuse something someone is giving you out of affection and break their hearts.”

Referring to the Nordic people, Mr. Joshi said, “Those people don’t have a culture I guess. We have a rich culture and are proud of it.”

“By the way, these people you were with must be very good at English,” Mr. Joshi added after a pause.

“No” said Rupesh. “They use their native language at their workplaces, and in official emails. When speaking to a non-native, they speak English well. But they see English as just as a way of communicating rather than showing off or impressing. If one uses jargon heavy English, they are likely to ask you to speak in a simple language. They can’t speak flowery English and they are alright with it.”

“They are such backward people,” said Mr. Joshi.  “I have no respect for people who do not speak English fluently and are alright with it.”

“Our grand-daughters study in convent schools and speak fluent English,” he added.

“When my son was in London, he told us that even beggars there beg in English,” Mrs. Joshi chimed in, proudly.

Rupesh had rarely seen a beggar in a Nordic country and so he was in no position to verify their English skills. So he humbly appreciated the language capability of the English beggars.

Mrs Joshi said: “Our culture teaches us humility. Humility is….”

Just then the phone rang.

Mrs Joshi spoke into the phone, “Hello. Oh Mrs. Kelkar. Yes? Can you please call again after 15 minutes? I am busy. One of my nephews has returned from abroad and has come to specially meet me. He came to meet me first before anyone else. OK, if it’s just 2 minutes then you can talk. What? Savita is not coming today? OK.”

She banged down the phone. “These maids nowadays!” she exclaimed, “They just take leave whenever they want. And how dare she call Mrs. Kelkar and tell her to inform me? She should have called me and told me to inform Mrs. Kelker instead. But then, how can we expect these low class people to understand?”

After a pause, Mrs. Joshi continued, “So, I was saying that our culture teaches humility.”

Mr. Joshi interrupted, “So do people there use cars a lot?”

Rupesh said, “The public transport is so convenient that most people prefer public transport. A single monthly pass can be used on several modes or transport like bus, train, metro, tram and ferry.”

“They are so backward. When one of my nephews was in America, he bought a Mercedes. He said you cannot do without a car in America,” said Mr. Joshi with pride.

“Hey did your mother tell you we just got a new car, Mahindra Scorpio. No one in our society has such a high end car,” said a beaming Mrs. Joshi.

As the discussion proceeded, Mrs. Joshi said, “What! Even women smoke and drink? Our culture is not like that. In our culture, we treat women as Goddesses.”

Suddenly the phone rang again. Mrs. Joshi picked it up.

“What? Mrs. Karve got a grandson?!” she exclaimed, and then sighed sadly. “She is such an evil woman and she got a grandson. Don’t know what sins we have committed that we have only grand- daughters. Who will carry our family name and legacy forward? OK, talk to you later.”

Mrs. Joshi continued, “So Rupesh, what I was saying is our culture teaches us not to get attached to anything, may it be your name, designation or post. Because everything is impermanent. And as I was saying, we Indians treat women as goddesses.”

She is right, Rupesh thought. He had seen women in Nordic countries doing hard jobs like driving heavy trucks and passenger buses all alone. These countries really did not respect women. These countries did not even have reservations for women in government. And more than 40% women got into Parliament without any dynastic or family pedigree. These immoral people have no sense of family at all, he thought.

“Do these people have any idea about our rich culture?” asked Mr. Joshi.

Rupesh answered, “I saw an occasional Iskcon temple and quite a bit of interest in Yoga and meditation.”

“Great,” said Mrs. Joshi. “These people have finally seen the light of the day. Bhagavad Gita narrated by Lord Krishna is a guiding force even for great management gurus.”

“My grand-daughter recently won the first prize in Bhagavad Gita recitation competition. Come here dear!” she called her grand-daughter.

The little one came to her grand-mother.

“Dear, can you recite the 15th chapter of Bhagavad Gita for Rupesh uncle?”

The little one sweetly recited the full chapter.

“That was so sweet,” said Rupesh, enchanted. “What is the meaning?”

The little one turned to her grandma, “Grandma, grandma, what is the meaning of this chapter?”

Mrs. Joshi looked a touch bewildered for a moment, but gathered herself quickly, “Meaning is not important. These shlokas generate good vibrations in our body and mind so it is important to recite them.”

“Do you practice Yoga, uncle?” asked Rupesh.

“No, I do cardio in the gym,” replied Mr. Joshi.

Mrs Joshi, meanwhile, continued: “The western society is a materialistic society.  Our society is more spiritual. Remember our teachings. It’s about ethics. ”

“Well, I think that the Nordic people are highly ethical,” said Rupesh. “They are very honest and trustworthy. Rent agreements are finalized just by signing and exchanging on plain paper. They do not discriminate based on profession.  They are very humble and do not brag about their houses, cars, wealth or education. The only thing they brag is about how much beer they can drink.”

“Bragging, and that too about drinking beer?! This single statement sums up what a depraved civilization they are!” said Mr. Joshi.

After talking for some more time, a slightly shaken Rupesh left Joshis’ house, wondering what an immoral civilization he had spent his time with, for the last 3 months.

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“The Hindu” to be renamed as “The Secular leftist”http://www.theunrealtimes.com/2015/08/02/the-hindu-to-be-renamed-as-the-secular-leftist/ http://www.theunrealtimes.com/2015/08/02/the-hindu-to-be-renamed-as-the-secular-leftist/#comments Sun, 02 Aug 2015 03:58:21 +0000 Ramesh Soundararajan http://www.theunrealtimes.com/?p=40171

The Hindu’s new masthead will look something like this

It is true. “The Hindu” has been published from Chennai since the 19th century. The paper for long had a reputation for objectivity and fairness. The paper also had a 100% success record in publishing the news of death of leaders correctly as the paper published the news of the death only after the funeral has been completed. Needless to say, the paper’s publishing of the Bofors papers, was its shining hour.

However, the paper has taken a decidedly Leftist turn in the past decade. From the time it had competent bureau chiefs writing op-ed, it is now carrying long and eminently unreadable articles, that essentially focus on topics like “Modi is the 2002 villain”, “Achche Din will never come”, “Capitalism is a bane”, “AAP is the hope”, “ NREGA saved India” and so on. The paper avoids sensationalism and that makes the content even more difficult to read. Under Siddharth Varadarajan, the paper was more readable; Just that no visit of Modi was covered by the paper! Now the duo of N.Ram and Malini Parthasarathy are firing on both the secular and leftist guns at the same time.

Speaking to our correspondent, N.Ram thundered, “It was a historical mistake to have named the paper as “The Hindu”. A more secular name would have helped us start an edition in Lahore and become a truly multinational newspaper. Now we are fighting with rags like Times of India and Indian Express. We are still read by retired gentlemen from Tamil Nadu who kind of think of us like morning coffee. But that is a diminishing demographic. Going forward we are making the following changes to become truly inclusive:

1. The paper will be named “ Secular Leftist” as we have nothing to do with Hindus or Hinduism. (Malini shouted across, “ especially after 2002”)

2. The masthead has Kamadhenu and Airavatha. These have a deep Hindu connotation. In keeping with our new positioning, the masthead will have a sickle doubling up as a crescent and a hammer doubling up as a cross. We will also extrapolate to ensure that all major religions are covered in this masthead itself.

3. We will expand our editorial team to include such accomplished writers like Arundhati Roy, Brinda Karat and other such talent who have been sidelined in the cruel Modi rule. There is also place for confused musicians like T.M.Krishna. For humor, we are considering Sagarika Ghose. Only challenge is it is difficult to know when she is serious and when she is joking.

4. To be truly secular, we are starting an Arabic edition.

5. We find that the sports page is the most popular page. Unfortunately, this does not carry any leftist ideology. So, we are going to be having columns only by left handers like Lara, Ganguly, Akram and so on. We will only write on the exploits of left handers like Nadal and not Federer. Alastair Cook, consistent, hardworking and immensely boring is our role model!

6. There is a small paragraph every day that takes a section from Hindu scriptures. We want to remove this and make it cover passages from all religions.

7. We have stayed away from publishing photos of actresses and models. Henceforth we will publish more photos, as long as they are adequately clad and the picture shows their left profile.

8. Our phone numbers all over the country will change immediately to 20022002.

N Ram added, “I am not happy with my name either! I wanted to take a name like S. Ram Raheem, but there is already such a guy in Haryana. I’ll think of something.”

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What makes a marriage work?http://www.theunrealtimes.com/2015/08/01/what-makes-a-marriage-work/ http://www.theunrealtimes.com/2015/08/01/what-makes-a-marriage-work/#comments Sat, 01 Aug 2015 12:50:50 +0000 K Balakumar http://www.theunrealtimes.com/?p=40161 What makes a marriage work?

This is a question that has kept humans busy, especially those humans employed at Cosmopolitan type magazine, because almost every third week you have articles of the kind:

‘30 secrets for a successful marriage’

’72 ways to keep your spouse happy without using the credit card’

‘108 ideas to kill your in-laws and keep your marriage intact’

One of these days, I hope these magazines cracks the puzzle and move on to focus on other interesting areas of interest that will still allow them to maintain their high standards of journalism in publishing pictures of beautiful women in various states of undress.

As a married man myself, I realise that there are no secrets, but only practical examples for successful marriages. So here I will recount two major areas of conflict between man and woman in marriage. I can guarantee you that these slice-of-life instances will help you to spend a few minutes uselessly in your pursuit of a happy marriage.

What you’re going to read will be from the perspective of a man, as I have been one all along in my life so far, and don’t intend changing in the future too.

Also, there will be sweeping generalisations all along.  If you’re a woman and get offended you will be only confirming my generalisations.

Technology

Let us face it, women don’t bring in the same passion for technology as much as men folk do.

For example, during a trip along with three other families to Bandipur forests a year back, we men were totally glued to the Google Maps app on our cell phones. We were on a well-paved highway with bold signboards at almost every kilometre telling us where we were. But we were happy to realise where we were by looking at our cell phone screens, rather than just peering out the window.

(For the uninitiated: the Google Maps is a handy app that helps you to know where you are. Suppose you are sitting at your home and talking with your friends, the app will indeed point out your precise location to be your home.

When you are caught in a rambling forest, totally lost for directions, all you have to do is to check Google Maps. Voila, you will realise that the signal from the service provider has been long dead).

As I was saying, as we men were drooling over Google Maps and its interactive features, our respective spouses were showing a distinct lack of interest in this modern technological innovation, and were involving themselves in mundane things like taking care of a young one who was throwing up and another one that had incipient fever.

Quite fed up with this, we guys moved on to the more sensible topic of how effective and helpful Google Maps has become in our cars during our daily commute between office and home.

Sports

Commitment and conviction are hard-wired into men and many of their allegiances are life-long. In matters of sports, that is. But when it comes to family, men adhere to a practical, laid-back policy, more precisely known just as: Don’t care.

Women, for some reason, are just incapable of understanding this particular warm facet of men that allows them to be religiously steadfast to a team, which technically may not even inhabit the same continent that they are in.

But a woman’s total disregard for a man’s finer feelings for sports can tear apart a marriage. As it almost did in the case of my friend.

This is his story: Early this year, in the month of March, one fine morning, he was sleeping deeply after a night of hard work of watching the re-run of some random sports event. Just as my friend was sleeping, he was woken up by his wife with the words: ‘Wake up! Remember today’s date and its significance? ’ Mind you, my friend was still groggy and bleary-eyed. But pat came his reply: ‘How can I forget? After all, it’s the day of great importance. It’s the 30th year anniversary of India’s triumph at the World Series Cup in Melbourne’.

Needless to say, the date was March 10.

Of course, it also happened to be his wife’s birthday.

Rather than appreciate that he managed to remember a national event, his wife flew into a rage over the minor fault of not recalling her birthday.

The friend, for the record, also knows the precise scores of Sachin Tendulkar in each of his innings in the 1996 World Cup, but has trouble remembering his own blood group.

Little wonder some women feel stuffed Teddy bear has better emotional quotient and strike a life-long relationship with it.

So folks, these two areas clearly establish the biggest truth behind a happy marriage: Never leave it in the hands of men.

PS: I remembered to wish my wife on her birthday last Thursday. I never miss it. How can I? After all, it’s the day James Anderson was born.

(Originally published in Crank’s Corner)

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COMIC: PM Narendra Modi trolls FTIIhttp://www.theunrealtimes.com/2015/08/01/comic-pm-narendra-modi-trolls-ftii/ http://www.theunrealtimes.com/2015/08/01/comic-pm-narendra-modi-trolls-ftii/#comments Sat, 01 Aug 2015 05:10:25 +0000 UnReal Mama http://www.theunrealtimes.com/?p=40148 Prime Minister Narendra Modi finally took note of the strong protests by FTII students to replace recently appointed chairman Gajendra Chauhan, after Congress Vice President Rahul Gandhi spoke on behalf of the protesters. Check what happened:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(Image sources: 1a, 1b, 4a, 5a, 6a, 7b, 8a. Rest via intoday.in)

(Based on an idea by Vishal Raghani)

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Salman Khan’s open letter to critics: 5 things Bhai wants you to knowhttp://www.theunrealtimes.com/2015/07/31/salman-khans-open-letter-to-critics-5-things-bhai-wants-you-to-know/ http://www.theunrealtimes.com/2015/07/31/salman-khans-open-letter-to-critics-5-things-bhai-wants-you-to-know/#comments Fri, 31 Jul 2015 07:25:32 +0000 Ankit Mishra http://www.theunrealtimes.com/?p=40144

(Image via intoday.in)

Dear Boys who like to think they are Men,

As you might be aware, there are very limited opportunities for a heartthrob like me to register my protest against the unfortunately named Dabanng government and their policies. Dixcy baniyan ka ad hum karte rahe aur chaati vo le gaye [I kept on advertising for vests and someone else has a manly chest]. In your aukaat, or as my father has told me to call it, your perspective, I might have been a mixed person. This is to put you in your damn place.. or as father says, avoiding misinterpretation.

1. I am not pro terrorism.

You people were unkind enough to miss Kick, where I was totally patriotic. You, dear intelligent people are a pain in the ass, or as my father says, easily misguided. I went on a kite festival with your God, and as you all know “Maine ek baar commitment kar di, to main apne aap ke bhi nahi sunta” [Once I commit, I don't listen to even myself]

2. I am pro traffic rules.

Canards have been liberally spread against me by the presstitutes (see? your term again.. Me so Modi). The important bit that the press did not consider was that it is the lot of non Ready people who have to get their Kick one way or the other to be delivered. Call me an old fashioned chiseled male in this age of pedicured protagonists, I firmly believe in the old adage “Gareeb! Hatao” [Poor! Move them]. Also, “Meri ek khaseeyat hai ki maarta kam hun, ghaseet ta zyada hun” [I have a specialty, I beat less, and drag more]

3. I am not irreverrential.

Allegations have been levelled against me calling me intemperate, mercurial and some other big words Karan calls me. (To the discerning reader: they are ‘nincompoop’ and ‘wooden face’, certified by M S Iyer, Stephen’s wale) Far from being correct, these people are unpaid, or as papa says, misguided due to insufficient patronage. Ha, they will learn. In my immortal and Dabaang words: “There izz always a first time, always a next time”

4. I am a teetotaller 

Unproved comments have tried to label me as a drunk driver. This is tumhari maa ka veham, or as dad told me to put it, unfounded and baseless allegation. As a devout Muslim who only manipulates the populace on one of the three Eids available to me, I take serious offense to the drunk driving charge. Only drunk driving I do is after I am paid by the Dew/Thumps Up folks. Those calls to Viveik Oberoi were to take him off your screen. Thank me, ingrates.

5. I am not a self-obsessed celebrity.

Mischievous journalists (like Rahul Kanwal) and most certainly NOT Ms Dutt and Ms Ghose (or as daddy calls her C5M) have spared no efforts to portray me as the bigoted opportunist I most certainly I am not. I say stupid stuff every now and then, but have you forgotten your Kindergarten, RWs? My daddy strongest! saves me and gives work to my brothers! louuve you papa.

Sincerely,
Bhai.

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ISI counsels patience on official confirmation of Mullah Omar death as it negotiates with UShttp://www.theunrealtimes.com/2015/07/31/isi-counsels-patience-on-official-confirmation-of-mullah-omar-death-as-it-negotiates-with-us/ http://www.theunrealtimes.com/2015/07/31/isi-counsels-patience-on-official-confirmation-of-mullah-omar-death-as-it-negotiates-with-us/#comments Fri, 31 Jul 2015 03:19:39 +0000 UnReal Mama http://www.theunrealtimes.com/?p=40136

Image via BBC

Even as new stories and rumours of Mullah Omar’s death emerge, the world is looking to the Pakistani establishment for official confirmation and articulation of the definitive narrative of how the one-eyed Emir met his end. Thus far, Pakistan has officially maintained silence, saying it would not like to comment on “rumours”.

Through unofficial channels, however, the ISI has let it be known that frantic negotiations are on with Uncle Sam on how to break the story and counselled patience. “Look, we need some time to put the narrative together. The US State Department is also breathing down our necks for details,” ISI chief Rizwan Akhtar told The UnReal Times. “But through your credible platform, I appeal to the world not to buy into these speculative stories that Mullah Omar died two years ago of TB and that too in a Pakistani hospital. Such stories carry as much credibility as, say, Shahid Afridi announcing his retirement from all forms of cricket. Indeed, this is yet another RAW conspiracy to malign Pakistan’s image. I assure you that when we come out with the official version, it will make for a far more racy read, one that spawns more questions than answers in keeping with our style.”

The ISI chief hoped that Mullah Omar’s exit, if indeed he was dead, would pave the way for the return of the good Taliban. “All we can hope is someone like Haqqani takes over the movement so that it becomes a force of stability and peace in the region. Of course, even more ideal would be for the Taliban to merge with the LeT and report to Saeed sahib, my boss. We will be more than happy to arrange peace talks to engender such a transformation,” the chief of the notorious spy agency said.

So did Mullah Omar succumb to TB or was it something for more insidious?

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COMIC: PM Modi trolls Nawaz Sharif – Part IIIhttp://www.theunrealtimes.com/2015/07/30/comic-pm-modi-trolls-nawaz-sharif-part-iii/ http://www.theunrealtimes.com/2015/07/30/comic-pm-modi-trolls-nawaz-sharif-part-iii/#comments Thu, 30 Jul 2015 13:08:38 +0000 UnReal Mama http://www.theunrealtimes.com/?p=40119 Prime Minister Modi once again got on Nawaz Sharif’s case after Pakistani cowards carried out yet another dastardly terrorist strike in Gurdaspur. (We do hope that he has bigger, more real plans for Pakistan though).

 

 

 

 

 

 

(Image thumbnail sources: 1a, 1b, 2a, 2b, 3a, 3b, 4a, 4b, 5a, 5b, 6a, 6b, 7a, 7b, 7c)

Also check what happened in Part I and Part II

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Unable to get over access card swiping habit, techie installs card readers on his residence doorshttp://www.theunrealtimes.com/2015/07/30/unable-to-get-over-access-card-swiping-habit-techie-installs-card-readers-on-his-residence-doors/ http://www.theunrealtimes.com/2015/07/30/unable-to-get-over-access-card-swiping-habit-techie-installs-card-readers-on-his-residence-doors/#comments Thu, 30 Jul 2015 04:00:00 +0000 Ashwin Kumar http://www.theunrealtimes.com/?p=40116

(Image via smart-tecs.com)

After failing to overcome his habit of flashing his office access card in front of every door he comes across, Python Nagaraju, a Bengaluru-based techie recently installed an access card reader on all doors in his residence.

“Yes, it’s true. I just finished setting up an access card based system on all the doors at home yesterday. It feels so good now, to no longer have my family members laugh at me when I flash my access card at my bathroom door or bedroom door by sheer force of habit. Going forward, I’ll extend this card access mechanism to every appliance at home – the TV, fridge, AC, shower and what not. That’s the only way to cure my extreme attachment to my access card. I can even get rid of all my clothes, but never my access card,” Nagaraju told The UnReal Times.

Nagaraju explained that he had, in the past, tried to force himself into not flashing his access card, but in vain. “It wasn’t as if I hadn’t consciously tried to cure it. I did. Several times. It did work for a while. I would freely open doors and make my way through them, but the habit soon caught on at work too. One day I tried to forcibly push through a door there without flashing my access card and it broke. An alarm was raised and I was fined a hefty percentage of my monthly salary for that month. So installing the same system at home was the only solution. And that’s precisely what I’ve done,” Nagaraju added.

Nagaraju’s family, however, expressed that this was just one among his many eccentricities. “Ever since he became a staunch techie, he has been doing many unusual things. If you think that installing access cards at home is bizarre, I wonder what will you say if I tell you that he hands over Sodexho coupons to beggars who knock on his car window!” Nagaraju’s father told The UnReal Times.

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Pranab Mukherjee sends mercy plea to convicts, urges them to stop sending him recurring mercy pleashttp://www.theunrealtimes.com/2015/07/29/president-mukherjee-sends-convicts-mercy-plea-urges-them-to-stop-sending-him-recurring-mercy-pleas/ http://www.theunrealtimes.com/2015/07/29/president-mukherjee-sends-convicts-mercy-plea-urges-them-to-stop-sending-him-recurring-mercy-pleas/#comments Wed, 29 Jul 2015 08:00:52 +0000 Ashwin Kumar http://www.theunrealtimes.com/?p=40107 In an unexpected turn of events, the honorable President of India, His Excellency, Pranab Mukherjee, has sent a mercy plea to convicts in the country, urging them to stop pestering him with recurring pleas for mercy.

(Image via indiatoday.intoday.in)

Mein…mein thak gaya hoon yaar!” (I..I’m tired) President Mukherjee told The UnReal Times. “I have grown increasingly tired of acting on mercy pleas. I recently received a recurring mercy plea and I decided that I have had enough. That’s when this idea of me filing a mercy petition myself struck me. So I prepared one and urged convicts to consider my request of not being spammed with any more mercy pleas. Let’s see what they’ve got to say. I’ve read from Shakespeare’s The Merchant of Venice that mercy is twice blessed, but little did I know that it also meant I would be blessed with twice as many mercy pleas as normal,” the President sighed.

However, the convicts are fully likely to reject the President’s plea. “Well, it’s our chance to do to him what he has mostly been doing to our tribe ever since he became the president in 2012 – rejecting pleas. When we’re being offered an opportunity for payback, albeit a humble one, on a golden plate, why wouldn’t we grab it with both hands? We’re just waiting for the official copy to reach us. We’ve got our custom-made ‘Rejected’ seal. Not only will we send it back to the Rashtrapati Bhavan once we sign our statement of rejection, but we’ll also enclose another set of mercy pleas from all of us,” a convict told our source, “We’ve already frustrated him to this extent. Some more mercy pleas and we hope that he will accept them out of sheer fatigue.”

Sources added that the President’s action has spawned a similar interest in his son and Congress MP Abhijit Mukherjee, who has already begun working on a mercy petition to be sent to Times Now editor-in-chief Arnab Goswami, in case the latter invites him to The Newshour again.

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