The UnReal Times India's favorite satire, spoof, parody and humour portal - Politics, Cricket, Business, Governance, Technology, Foreign Affairs and more Fri, 19 Dec 2014 09:35:39 +0000 en-US hourly 1 COMIC: How India managed to get 26/11 terrorist Zaki-ur-Rehman Lakhvi detained again Fri, 19 Dec 2014 08:02:22 +0000 Ashwin Kumar Barely 24 hours after the ghastly Peshawar attacks, the Pakistani establishment ‘acted’ against terrorism by giving bail to 26/11 butcher, Zaki-ur-Rehman Lakhvi, leaving some Indians bewildered, most outraged. How did the Indian govt react? We bring you the story in pictures:






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Ravi Shankar Prasad caves in after inner struggle, demands own resignation after AAP ‘exposes’ him Fri, 19 Dec 2014 06:04:05 +0000 UnReal Mama

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In hindsight, there was a ring of inevitability to it. When Mr Ravi Shankar Prasad had first heard that AAP had exposed him, demanding his dismissal for being on the retainership of Reliance companies even while being part of a joint parliamentary committee on telecom issues (in other words, an Ambani agent), the communications minister had taken it sportingly, even joking about it.

But overnight, his condition deteriorated. A sense of unease had overwhelmed him. It was as though he were battling some inner demon. Many times during the night, he got up as if to say something, only to shake his head sadly and go back to sleep, sources in the Prasad household revealed.

By morning, he was clearly in a bad shape. Prime Minister Modi, Arun Jaitley, Rajnath, Gadkari and other heayweights rushed to the Prasad household to check on their ailing colleague. Needless to say, Rajiv Shukla was there too. It was a wretched site to behold -dark rings had formed around Mr Prasad’s eyes, the ruddy complexion had given way to a ghastly pallor.

Finally, Prime Minister Modi told him to do what needs to be done. “Go on, Ravi Shankar ji. I will not mind one bit,” he gently goaded his Cabinet colleague. Ravi Shankar Prasad nodded, appearing relieved, took a deep breath, and mustering all his lung power, yelled, “I DEMAND MY OWN RESIGNATION….aah that felt so good.” And just like that, the color returned to his face as his cabinet colleagues clapped and cheered.

Mr Prasad is now fully fit and back to being his usual bumbling self. When asked whether he will now accept his own demand, Mr Prasad laughed heartily and retorted: “Dude, when has anyone ever acted on my resignation demands?”

He, however, thanked AAP and Kejriwal profusely for considering him worthy of an expose and being branded an Ambani agent.

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Auto driver who started vehicle before traffic signal turned green to be awarded Fri, 19 Dec 2014 03:14:52 +0000 Ashwin Kumar Sakaala Gowda, a Bengaluru-based auto rickshaw driver is all set to receive an award, the first of its kind, for actually starting his vehicle much before the traffic signal turned green. Moved by his gesture and giant step towards helping traffic clear soon, the Bengaluru Traffic Police decided to reward him.

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“Pedestrians and Automobile drivers at Anil Kumble circle were in for an absolute shock yesterday. As the signal timer counted down to zero, drivers were stunned to see Sakaala pulling up the start lever and starting his vehicle with many seconds to spare. Everyone around began to applaud and as the green signal appeared, Sakaala sped away without any trouble, even yelling in the process, at a stunned pedestrian who tried to cross the road at that point,” a Bengaluru Traffic Police official told The UnReal Times.

“People are always used to auto drivers who begin pulling up their start lever only after the signal turns green. The auto usually doesn’t start at least until 3-4 pulls. By then, the honking reaches unbearable levels and by the time he starts the auto, the red signal is back and people continue cursing the driver. In such a scheme of things, when Sakaala started his auto at least 5-10 seconds in advance, no wonder people were so pleasantly surprised and they applauded. We too, were very happy by his conduct and hence, we decided to reward him,” the official added.

Meanwhile, the pedestrian who was at the receiving end from Sakaala too, expressed his shock at the turn of events. “Dude, how the hell was I supposed to know that this guy would actually move when the signal turned green? As usual, I thought that being an auto driver, he would start after the signal turned green and won’t succeed for at least 10-15 seconds. So I nonchalantly began crossing the road, coolly smoking a cigarette. But instead, this guy almost ran over me! Luckily, he took a sharp turn and avoided hitting me. I was absolutely shocked. I stared at him in awe, as he mouthed expletives at me and sped away. Respect!” the youth added.

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Coal scam probe hits dead end after court directs CBI to record Dr Manmohan Singh’s statement Thu, 18 Dec 2014 03:45:48 +0000 UnReal Mama

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The CBI’s meandering investigation into the gargantuan coal scam may have hit a definitive road block after the special court directed the premier investigation agency to record Dr Manmohan Singh’s statement. The CBI had earlier successfully managed to avoid questioning Dr Singh but this time the judge did not seem to be in a charitable mood.

“But sir, why go down a dead-end when other options are available. We’ll get hold of a few industrialists and bureaucrats instead,” CBI’s special prosecutor R S Cheema reasoned.

“I don’t get why you guys are so unenthusiastic about interrogating Dr Singh. He was handling the coal portfolio between 2005 and 2009 when many alleged irregularities took place, no?” the judge shot back.

“Er..yes, sir…but..” the CBI man pleaded, his face now appearing drained.

“So the buck stops with Dr Singh,” the special court judge interjected. “So go and record his statement and come back to us. Court adjourned till after Christmas, I mean Governance Day,” were the judge’s final words.

New CBI director Anil Sinha tried to put up a brave front, saying his boys will do their best, but appeared deflated. Privately, CBI officials think even extracting a ‘theek hai’ from the scholar cum former prime minister may prove difficult considering the high stakes. “At this stage, even cracking the Bofors case holds better prospects than unravelling the knots of this convoluted affair,” a CBI official told The UnReal Times.

To make matters worse, the Congress camp has deputed Manish Tewari and Kapil Sibal to intermediate between CBI interrogators and Dr Singh, just like the way they used to handle Dr Singh’s rare press conferences.

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Empty chairs on Arnab’s Newshour will now be sponsored by IKEA Thu, 18 Dec 2014 02:51:21 +0000 Ashwin Kumar

Expect many more empty chairs on Newshour

Global furniture giant IKEA has sought to make its first major foray into the Indian consumer’s mindspace, by striking a sponsorship deal with popular Indian entertainment news channel Times Now. The furniture brand will now have its empty chairs featured on the nation’s most-watched cockfight news show, The Newshour Debate with Arnab Goswami.

“Never before in the history of television has an empty chair become such a rage,” IKEA CEO Peter Agnefjall told The UnReal Times, “Putting money in advertisements is a bad idea these days – people go in for loo breaks when ads come on TV and hit ‘Skip Ad’ within 5 seconds if the ad is on Youtube. Even in case of a full ad without the skip option, they hit refresh multiple times until the video plays without the ad.”

“In such a scenario, I’m delighted that we’ve hit the jackpot here! This will soon go down in management institutes as one of the best case studies for integrated advertising. There is no other place, no other show in the world where millions of people switch on their television sets to watch an empty chair. And instead of some random empty chair, why not IKEA’s?” an excited Agnefjall added.

The first product placement is likely to happen sometime next week. Arnab is expected to go after the BJP after he’s had his fill of Pak bashing, which means an empty chair will likely replace the BJP spokesperson. “It is perfect!” exclaimed John Atkinson, marketing director of IKEA. “Viewers will know that IKEA products are robust when Arnab will subject the chair to intense questioning and the chair will stay put. Viewers will also know that IKEA products are versatile and easy to put together when a team-member will dismantle and re-assemble the empty chair in the time Sanjay Jha talks about 2002.”

Times Now’s marketing team too is excited about the partnership. “As you know, there’s no limit on the number of panels in a Newshour show. It may range from 5 to 20. Assuming that a fourth of these is from the party that’s the bunny of the day, we can offer IKEA anywhere between 1 and 5 ad-slots per day,” said Adarsh Mehta, marketing manager of Times Now.

The Newshour team too is thrilled that the channel’s incentives are finally aligned with their own. “My job basically involves getting the panelists to participate in Newshour everyday by lying to them that Arnab will allow them to speak, and often just begging them to come since people no longer fall for my lies. Now that management is keen on empty chairs in the show, I don’t have to do this anymore!” said producer Karan Sharma. “The spokesperson is happy, the channel is happy, and I’m happy. Such a win-win-win deal!”

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Pakistan Army, ISI hit back at Taliban, insist India still remains primary security threat Wed, 17 Dec 2014 06:40:49 +0000 UnReal Mama

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Even as the Pakistani populace is struggling to come to grips with one of the most barbaric terrorist attacks, Army chief General Raheel Sharif hit back at the Taliban, saying they are mistaken if they think such dastardly and despicable acts are going to make the Pakistan army stop considering India as the primary security threat.

“These beasts think that by perpetrating such cowardly acts, they will become Pakistan’s primary enemy, replacing India,” General Sharif said during an interaction with the press. “But let me reiterate to these cowards that the Pakistan Army is tough and will not go in for policy correction. The Pakistan Army is fully prepared to defend Pakistan’s ideological frontiers. As soon as we are done flushing out these vile perpetrators, using aircraft and fancy weapons provided by Uncle Sam, we will relocate our brave men to where they truly belong, the border with India,” he asserted.

General Sharif also rubbished rumours that the Pakistani military-jehadi establishment is now finding it difficult to distinguish between the good Taliban and the bad Taliban. “These are baseless rumours. We are absolutely clear that there are still good Taliban, like the Haqqani network, with whom we continue to do good business,” the Pakistan army chief said.

The army chief, however, for a change, did not float the “don’t rule out a foreign hand behind the attacks” line. “This is not the time for sick jokes,” was all he said. However, later, General Musharraf did the needful by squarely blaming India for the attacks.

The Peshawar attacks have taken a toll on Hafiz Saeed also, albeit for different reasons. The JuD chief had barely recovered from the trauma of the siege when he logged into Twitter using his new handle, @Lutyens_Saeed, and immediately fainted after noticing #IndiawithPakistan as the top trend, with Indian tweeple commiserating with their Pakistani counterparts.

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Pakistan Taliban invites Bachi Karkaria to its Litfest after latter’s tweet Wed, 17 Dec 2014 03:00:01 +0000 Ashwin Kumar Pakistan’s Tehreek-i-Taliban has invited journalist and Times of India columnist Bachi Karkaria to its Litfest, after the latter tweeted cautioning India against “Hindu Talibanization” after the Taliban’s ruthless, spine-chilling, blood-curdling genocide of innocent children at a school in Peshawar.

The announcement was made by TTP leader Maulana Fazlullah. “After a super-awesome cakewalk of an attack that killed over 150 defenseless children, we were already looking forward to celebrate our Litfest this year on a high. But this Indian lady’s tweet, not even acknowledging our awesomeness, but instead, choosing to talk about a Hindu Taliban was the icing on the cake. The very instant that I came across this tweet, I decided that this lady has to be the Chief Guest of Honor at our Litfest,” Fazlullah told The UnReal Times.

“Someone like this who can possibly churn out such gems after every massacre that we do would be just what the doctor ordered for us. We will be extremely honored to have intellect of the likes of Bachi addressing us and if possible, share her literary wisdom too, that allows one to defend us in the best manner possible – by not acknowledging us at all,” Fazlullah added, “We’re also looking at inviting a few other Indian journalists who always equate us to some Hindu organizations in their country, whenever we do our thing. They would make for good participants too, in our Litfest.”

Sources say that Bachi has, however, declined the Taliban’s invitation, citing “extraneous noise” as the reason.

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Smriti Irani allows German as 3rd language after Germany trounces Pakistan in Champions Trophy Tue, 16 Dec 2014 05:39:30 +0000 UnReal Mama

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Backtracking on her earlier decision, (or rather doing a U-turn as is the norm these days), HRD minister Smriti Irani has allowed German to be taught as a third language in lieu of Sanskrit. Smriti said this was a goodwill measure after Germany trounced Pakistan in the Champions Trophy final in front of a packed Kalinga stadium in Bhubaneshwar on Sunday.

“German culture has become very popular in India after they nixed Pakistan’s chances of lifting the cup and indulging in celebrations as only they can,” Smriti justified the change in policy. “Thousands of Indian fans were sporting German flags and colors and cheering the German team against the men in green. Now sales of not just Mein Kampf, but even the works of Nietzsche and Goethe have overtaken Bhagat’s Half Girlfriend. So I felt it was only right that German be allowed as a third language.”

In any case, Indians idolizing German celebrities isn’t a new phenomenon, opines noted sociologist, Dipankar Gupta. “More people in India, even from the interiors and provincial towns, have heard of Michael Schumacher than Narain Karthikeyan. Same is the case with Steffi Graff who commands a bigger fan following than, say, a Rohan Bopanna. There is even a Steffi Graf temple in Karur, Tamil Nadu, I am told, where they recently installed an idol of Andre Agassi. Claudia Schiffer also has a legion of Indian fans,” Mr Gupta shed light on the impact of German celebrities on the Indian psyche.

The new HRD policy has the RSS’ imprimatur. “After Sunday’s finals, we also had a rethink about German. It is not that foreign a language considering that Aryans originated in India and fanned out through the Khyber Pass to other parts of the world including Germany. So what’s wrong if some students want to learn a closely related Indo-Aryan tongue?” a RSS ideologue reasoned.

(With inputs from Ashwin)

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Madame Tussauds to unveil wax statue of Rajdeep Sardesai launching his book Tue, 16 Dec 2014 04:22:08 +0000 Ashwin Kumar World-renowned wax museum Madame Tussauds has announced that it will be adding yet another wax statue to its Indian personalities section – the chosen one this time, is Headlines Today journalist and author Rajdeep Sardesai, who will be seen in his wax avatar, launching his book.

Sardesai, who now holds the honor of becoming the first Indian journalist to have a wax model of himself, will be joining an elite list of Indians that includes the likes of Amitabh Bachchan, Shah Rukh Khan, Mahatma Gandhi, Aishwarya Rai, Salman Khan, Kareena Kapoor, Hrithik Roshan, Dr.Manmohan Singh and Sachin Tendulkar. With this, Sardesai also becomes the first personality to be holding a book in his wax avatar. An overjoyed Rajdeep said that he was proud to be the first Goud Saraswat Brahmin journalist to hold the honor.

The statue, which will be housed at the Madame Tussauds Museum in New York City, is all set to be unveiled at Madison Square Garden in a few days, as a sign of homage to the veteran. “Initially, we just had an expressionless Rajdeep as our model. But then, the man himself took a look at it and said, ‘Rajdeep, tumhaare paas wax hai, lekin class nahin.’ (You have wax, but no class.) When we asked him how to add the missing ‘class,’ he just smiled and said, ‘Read my book’ and gave us all copies, clicked photos of him giving them to us and tweeted them,” a spokesperson for Madame Tussauds told The UnReal Times, “so we decided to include this act in his final wax model.”

The spokesperson added that the model has been finished, but is in India at present, as it had traveled to attend the 21 year celebration of Rajat Sharma’s Aap Ki Adalat. “Dude, why are you surprised? The whole world was there! What makes you think Mr.Wax Rajdeep wasn’t?” he added.

Sources in the museum added that the grand launch of the statue will witness Rajdeep handing his book over to his own statue and having photos clicked. “We’re planning to make one of Sagarika too, next, clad in a burqa, with kumkum on her forehead and a cross instead of a necklace. She liked the idea, but told us that the kumkum wasn’t really necessary. We expect the Rajdeep-Sagarika statue pair to attract more visitors than Brangelina as well. As for Arnab, no way. The idea of an Arnab statue is just paradoxical and unimaginable,” the spokesperson added.

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Christopher Nolan announces retirement after watching Action Jackson Tue, 16 Dec 2014 01:13:51 +0000 SK - The Great Indian Righter

Christopher Nolan, the prolific director of highly acclaimed movies like Inception and Interstellar, has been in a daze after a private screening of Action Jackson last night. While initially friends and family were worried at his vegetative state, it was later announced that he has hibernated into a deeper sleep than usual to ponder upon the deeper, subliminal messages conveyed by director Prabhudeva in the movie.

While Christopher Nolan usually puts a dream in his dream (dream*2) to decipher complex mysteries like relativity, wormholes and Salman Khan’s movies, Action Jackson forced him to put a dream in his dream in his dream in his dream (Dream*4)  so that he was in his super conscious creative zone or what he calls his black hole. When he awoke from his deep slumber, he had still not grasped what he had seen in Action Jackson, and as a tribute to Prabhudeva, decided to hang his boots and quit Hollywood. Last known, he has migrated to Bollywood to engage in something challenging, and will be choreographing Sunny Leone and Sunny Deol for a dance sequence in their upcoming movie.

When Prabhudeva was informed about Christopher Nolan’s retirement from Hollywood, he was nonplussed. We quote Prabhudeva verbatim: “It is a great honour that Kristeper Noland has retired. After all it was his own movie that gave me the idea. You see, I did not understand his movie Interjection. So I asked Sharukh bhai who was seated beside me to explain what it meant. Sharukh Bhai told me that the crux of the movie was that everyone should have their totem and it should keep rotating. I did not understand what Sharukh bhai meant but did not ask him further to avoid him making fun of me on his Twitter account.”

“I thought about it,” Prabhudeva continued, “and realized that totem was plural for tota. So I decided that instead of one tota in my movie I will have totem and decided to cast not one but two actresses. It was logic that for two totems I needed Ajay sir to play double role. And that was how Action Jackson got made. Strange are the ways of fate. It was Inception that gave Action Jackson conception and now ….it is real trajicks (sic).”

(SK has also published a novel, “Seduced by Murder“)

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