The UnReal Times http://www.theunrealtimes.com India's favorite satire, spoof, parody and humour portal - Politics, Cricket, Business, Governance, Technology, Foreign Affairs and more Sat, 30 May 2015 05:07:26 +0000 en-US hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.4.2 Salman Khan to be acquitted after angry fans take inspiration from Gujjars and choke railway lineshttp://www.theunrealtimes.com/2015/05/30/salman-khan-acquitted-after-angry-fans-take-inspiration-from-gujjars-and-choke-railway-lines/ http://www.theunrealtimes.com/2015/05/30/salman-khan-acquitted-after-angry-fans-take-inspiration-from-gujjars-and-choke-railway-lines/#comments Sat, 30 May 2015 05:02:58 +0000 D-MAN http://www.theunrealtimes.com/?p=39116

(Image via intoday.in)

Salman Khan’s legion of fans across the nation seem to have a taken a leaf out of Gujjars’ book on railway line protests, and brought the country’s railway network to its knees by squatting on tracks at various key locations, demanding that bhai be set free from all charges.

The hordes of railway line squatters now include people who want speedy justice, exam reservation, free water and wifi, Bapuji’s release and Gaushal patch up. According to reports, there is also a group squatting on a railway track protesting against the government’s ability to respond to those protesting on railway tracks.

The development has especially irked the Rajasthan government, who had only recently got Gujjars to move off the tracks by promising them 5% reservation in government jobs. The majority of the Gujjars are back on the tracks again, this time as Sallu fans.

Fortunately for the Rajasthan government, the Union Government too has blinked, assuring protesters that it will pass a special ‘Bhai-Mukti bill’ that will allow Salman Khan to circumvent all the laws under which he has been charges in the hit and run case. “The supporters of bhai are not just bhai-like dabangg but are much more in number than the Gujjars involved in the reservation agitation. Imagine the damage they could do! Hence, for the greater good of the nation we have decided to set bhai free,” said a minister, explaining the decision.

Meanwhile, protesters at various locations moved off the tracks in an unusual hurry, after someone started a rumour that Salman Khan was driving a railway engine with a bottle of whiskey in his hand.

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Satirist’s wedding nearly gets called off after his jokes fail to amuse his in-lawshttp://www.theunrealtimes.com/2015/05/30/satirists-wedding-nearly-gets-called-off-after-his-jokes-fail-to-amuse-his-in-laws/ http://www.theunrealtimes.com/2015/05/30/satirists-wedding-nearly-gets-called-off-after-his-jokes-fail-to-amuse-his-in-laws/#comments Sat, 30 May 2015 03:23:28 +0000 UnReal Mama http://www.theunrealtimes.com/?p=39112

A typical Ashwin Kumar expression one second after a parody idea pops into his head

One of India’s leading satirists, Ashwin S Kumar, popular for his witty parodies posted on satire portal, The UnReal Times, nearly suffered a major blow today after his untimely jokes left his father-in-law less than amused and almost drove him into calling off the wedding.

According to sources, the wedding went off uneventfully up to the point when the newly wed couple prostrated before the girl’s parents for their blessings. Ashwin’s father-in-law, reportedly a rather stoic man, was having a rare emotional moment as he came to terms with the thought of giving away his only daughter. After blessing the couple, he turned to Ashwin and said, “Hope you’ll keep my daughter happy,” to which Ashwin replied, “Happiness is a state of mind,” and burst out laughing.

Ashwin’s father-in-law, however, was utterly unamused, and fixed his son-in-law with a if-looks-could-kill stare. “Are you serious?” he rumbled in a low voice.

Still laughing from his previous wisecrack, Ashwin by now in the middle of one of his famous parody sprees promptly shot back, “ARE YOU SERIOUS? ARE YOU SERIOUS? ARE YOU NUTS?” and laughed even harder.

The entire hall went silent. Eventually, Ashwin too stopped laughing, when realization dawned on him that the crowd’s response to his wisecracks this time was markedly different from that of his fans on The UnReal Times.

After a few moments of awkward silence, the angry father-in-law turned to his wife and said, “This is all your fault. I told you right from the beginning that we are better off with a software engineer settled in the US but you were the one who wanted to marry her off to this so-called sitarist. These musical types are not to be trusted!”

“Er..Uncle, I’m actually a satirist,” mumbled Ashwin.

“SHUT UP!!!!!” hollered his father-in-law, and stormed off to his room.

Thankfully, the situation was retrieved after Ashwin’s better half, demonstrating a cool head, sat her father down, and showed him selfies that Ashwin had clicked with Rajdeep Sardesai, Rahul Kanwal and various other media personalities. The move worked, and the elderly gentleman promptly cooled down. “Surely, if a celebrity such as Rajdeep has clicked a photo with someone, that person cannot be a rascal,” he said to himself, while a dumbstruck Ashwin stood behind them with his mouth wide open.

[Editor: Jokes apart, we hope Ashwin's wedding tomorrow is remembered for all the right reasons, and kicks off a very happy married life!)

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COMIC: What different people thought Dr. Manmohan Singh told PM Modihttp://www.theunrealtimes.com/2015/05/29/comic-what-different-people-thought-dr-manmohan-singh-told-modi/ http://www.theunrealtimes.com/2015/05/29/comic-what-different-people-thought-dr-manmohan-singh-told-modi/#comments Fri, 29 May 2015 03:56:46 +0000 UnReal Mama http://www.theunrealtimes.com/?p=39098 Rahul Gandhi claimed that former Prime Minister Dr. Manmohan Singh gave Prime Minister Narendra Modi an economics lesson yesterday when he went over to 7RCR to meet him. Different people have different ideas on what Dr. Singh told PM Modi. Here’s a compilation

What Rahul Gandhi thought Dr. Manmohan Singh told PM Modi

 

What former UPA ministers thought Dr. Manmohan Singh told PM Modi

 

What mainstream media thought Dr. Manmohan Singh told PM Modi

 

What economists thought Dr. Manmohan Singh told PM Modi

 

What everyone else thought Dr. Manmohan Singh told PM Modi

 

What Dr. Manmohan Singh actually told PM Modi

(Image source: PM Modi’s Twitter page)
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Mani Shankar Aiyar slams Manmohan Singh for friendly body language during meeting with Modihttp://www.theunrealtimes.com/2015/05/29/mani-shankar-aiyar-slams-manmohan-singh-for-friendly-body-language-during-meeting-with-modi/ http://www.theunrealtimes.com/2015/05/29/mani-shankar-aiyar-slams-manmohan-singh-for-friendly-body-language-during-meeting-with-modi/#comments Fri, 29 May 2015 02:26:51 +0000 UnReal Mama http://www.theunrealtimes.com/?p=39094

(Image via indiatvnews.com)

Veteran Congress leader Mani Shankar Aiyar has demanded the summary expulsion of former Prime Minister Dr Manmohan Singh from the Congress party for exuding friendly vibes during his meeting with Prime Minister Modi and hurting secular sentiments in the process.

Lambasting the scholar turned PM , the former Panchayati Raj minister bemoaned, “To exchange pleasantries with a man who espouses a philosophy that coined that execrable word ‘Hindutva’, to sip chai and indulge in small talk with the mascot of fascism is to repudiate and negate the secular, socialist ideals of millions of Nehruvian Congress workers like myself. Today, the strength of the Congress has come down further by one ever since that troglodyte Tharoor started offering qualified praise of this fascist regime.” Mani went on to bracket Dr Manmohan Singh with Quisling, such was his level of indignation.

The Congress high command has however not sought any explanation from Dr Singh yet. “Dr Singh has assured us that he is very much a Gandhi family loyalist. He just indulged in some dry policy related banter with Modi, stuff like ‘if you work hard, you can achieve 8% growth’,” Sonia’s secretary, Ahmed Patel, pointed out. “Regarding exuding friendly body language, that can’t be helped. Dr Singh is a very soft-spoken and highly erudite man who exudes the same degree of warmth to his host, whether it be the Prime Minister of India or Premier of Pakistan or President of USA.”

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EXCLUSIVE: C Code that drives AAP ideologyhttp://www.theunrealtimes.com/2015/05/28/exclusive-c-code-that-drives-aap-ideology/ http://www.theunrealtimes.com/2015/05/28/exclusive-c-code-that-drives-aap-ideology/#comments Thu, 28 May 2015 03:08:33 +0000 Guruprasad Nagaraj http://www.theunrealtimes.com/?p=39087 A Bangalore based AAP observer claims that he has developed a C program that doesn’t quite compile but summarizes AAP ideology. Check it out for yourself:

(Disclaimer: Programmers might find this a bit more readable than the rest of us)

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COMIC: PM Narendra Modi trolls Priyanka Gandhihttp://www.theunrealtimes.com/2015/05/28/comic-pm-narendra-modi-trolls-priyanka-gandhi/ http://www.theunrealtimes.com/2015/05/28/comic-pm-narendra-modi-trolls-priyanka-gandhi/#comments Thu, 28 May 2015 00:30:06 +0000 UnReal Mama http://www.theunrealtimes.com/?p=39070 Priyanka Gandhi took on Smriti Irani and the Modi government yesterday when she asked aloud why there wasn’t an IIIT yet in Amethi. Here’s what happened next:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(Image sources: 1a, 3a, 3b, 4b, 5b, 6a, 7a, 8a, 9a, 9b. Rest via intoday.in)

(Based on this tweet by Kavita Nair Fondekar)

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In Pictures: One year of Modi sarkar – for various celebrities – Part 2http://www.theunrealtimes.com/2015/05/27/in-pictures-one-year-of-modi-sarkar-for-various-celebrities-part-2/ http://www.theunrealtimes.com/2015/05/27/in-pictures-one-year-of-modi-sarkar-for-various-celebrities-part-2/#comments Wed, 27 May 2015 04:02:59 +0000 UnReal Mama http://www.theunrealtimes.com/?p=39042 You saw how the last one year went for Arvind Kejriwal, Rahul Gandhi, LK Advani and Arun Jaitley. We bring you the one year review of a few more personalities in this one:

Yogendra Yadav

1 year back:

 

7-8 months back:

 

3-4 months back:

 

Now:

 

Narendra Modi

1 year back:

 

7-8 months back:

 

3-4 months back:

 

Now:

 

Jayalalitha

1 year back:

 

7-8 months back:

 

3-4 months back:

 

Now:

 

The Ashutosh

1 year back:

 

7-8 months back:

 

3-4 months back:

 

Now:

(Image sources: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16)

(With inputs from Ashwin Kumar)

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Manmohan Singh refutes Pradip Baijal’s allegation, says he’s simply incapable of pressurizing anyonehttp://www.theunrealtimes.com/2015/05/27/manmohan-singh-refutes-pradip-baijals-allegation-says-hes-simply-incapable-of-pressurizing-anyone/ http://www.theunrealtimes.com/2015/05/27/manmohan-singh-refutes-pradip-baijals-allegation-says-hes-simply-incapable-of-pressurizing-anyone/#comments Wed, 27 May 2015 02:36:04 +0000 Ashwin Kumar http://www.theunrealtimes.com/?p=39034 Former PM Dr. Manmohan Singh has refuted ex-TRAI chief Pradip Baijal’s sensational allegations, claiming that he is incapable of simply pressurizing anyone.

“I condemn Mr.Baijal’s statement in the strongest terms and wish to say that his statements are nothing short of laughable. I humbly state that I am simply incapable of even ordering him to do things, let alone applying pressure. By cooking up such fantasy that simply can’t be bought by anyone, he has only made himself look stupid. I’m pretty sure he himself must’ve burst out laughing after making that statement! Hehe, chalo theek hai!” the former PM told The UnReal Times.

Dr.Singh’s fellow Congress leaders are standing by him like rocks, with Congress leader Renuka Chowdary exclaiming, “AAAAHHHAHAHAHAHAHA! What is Baijal on, yaa?! So hilarious! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

Congress spokesperson Sanjay Jha too, laughed the matter off, saying, “Phew! This is one allegation that’s so ridiculous that I don’t even have to deflect to 2002 when Arnab brings up this topic tonight. Some allegations thankfully refute themselves!”

Senior Congress leader Ahmed Patel claimed that for the first time, he would have to plant a different headline on newspapers. “No Sonia Gandhi unhappy article this time. Sonia Gandhi uncontrollably laughing at Baijal’s allegation is my tentative headline for tomorrow’s newspapers,” Patel said.

Congress sources added that party vice-president Rahul Gandhi is likely to pay Baijal a visit. “If he’s saying things like this, something surely must’ve happened to him. I would like to tell him that I’m with him, in this fight against the suit-boot ki sarkaar,” Rahul said.

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In Pictures: One year of Modi sarkar – for various celebrities – Part 1http://www.theunrealtimes.com/2015/05/26/in-pictures-one-year-of-modi-sarkar-for-various-celebrities-part-1/ http://www.theunrealtimes.com/2015/05/26/in-pictures-one-year-of-modi-sarkar-for-various-celebrities-part-1/#comments Tue, 26 May 2015 14:21:28 +0000 UnReal Mama http://www.theunrealtimes.com/?p=39013 You have all read (or ignored) countless articles rating the performance of Modi government in its first year. We’ll spare you that. Instead, in this multi part series, we bring you a quick snapshot of how the year went for various other prominent personalities:

Arvind Kejriwal

1 year back:

 

7-8 months back:

 

3-4 months back:

 

Now:

 

Rahul Gandhi

1 year back:

 

7-8 months back:

 

3-4 months back:

 

Now:

 

LK Advani

1 year back:

 

7-8 months back:

 

3-4 months back:

 

Now:

 

Arun Jaitley

1 year back:

 

7-8 months back:

 

3-4 months back:

 

Now:

Continued in Part 2!

(Image sources: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13-16)

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Janata Parivar to decide seat sharing in Bihar through a game of musical chairshttp://www.theunrealtimes.com/2015/05/26/janata-parivar-to-decide-seat-sharing-in-bihar-through-a-game-of-musical-chairs/ http://www.theunrealtimes.com/2015/05/26/janata-parivar-to-decide-seat-sharing-in-bihar-through-a-game-of-musical-chairs/#comments Tue, 26 May 2015 03:40:47 +0000 UnReal Mama http://www.theunrealtimes.com/?p=39007

(Image via intoday.in)

The warring constituents of the Janata Parivar, JD(U) and RJD, have finally figured out a fair mechanism to decide the seat sharing formula for the upcoming Bihar Assembly elections. Candidates of the two parties will play a game of musical chairs to decide who gets to contest and who doesn’t.

The game will be moderated by the leader of another prominent Janata Parivar constituent, Mulayam Singh Yadav. Explaining the rules of the game, Mulayam said, “To begin with, we’ll arrange 485 chairs in a circle, and have every candidate for every seat from the two parties stand in a bigger circle around the circle of chairs. Then the usual musical chairs rules take over – every time the music starts, the candidates will start running, and when it stops, they’ll rush to take a seat. The candidate who’s left standing is out.”

“We’ll keep taking out one chair after every round until the last round when there’d be 243 chairs. Whoever manages to find himself or herself a chair, will be the final candidate!” said Mulayam with a triumphant smile.

According to sources, Patna’s Gandhi maidan has already been identified as the venue for the game, and is currently being swept by security personnel for bombs. A rule making committee comprising a section of top JD(U) and RJD leaders is framing rules for the game. “You cannot bring guns to the game. You cannot bribe the other candidate. You cannot physically kick someone off a chair. Regular stuff like that,” said a committee member.

The workers on the other hand, are identifying appropriate raunchy Bhojpuri numbers to be played during the game.

However, plans ran afoul when Nitish Kumar publicly suggested a new rule: Those who run around wearing a skull cap will be given an extra life. Every candidate from the two parties promptly agreed to this, resulting in complications in the rules of the game. Things got a lot messier when Nitish Kumar further demanded a few seats just for Mahadalits, prompting the other candidates to demand reservations for other castes in Bihar.

“We will now have several circles of musical chairs, their respective numbers decided based on the caste split up in the state. We are still working out how many such circles we’ll have, as we have to be careful not offend a particular sub-caste by not giving it its own musical chairs contest,” said a harried looking member of the rule-making committee. “And then there’s the extra-life rule for skull cap wearing participants… bhak budbak, I quit!” he exclaimed.

As things last stand, Janata Parivar leaders are now squabbling over the rules of the mechanism they framed to stop the squabbling over seat-sharing.

(With inputs from Ashwin Kumar)

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