The UnReal Times India's favorite satire, spoof, parody and humour portal - Politics, Cricket, Business, Governance, Technology, Foreign Affairs and more Mon, 28 Jul 2014 10:06:24 +0000 en-US hourly 1 Facebook Wall: Salman Khan, Chetan Bhagat discuss Kick’s record box office opening Mon, 28 Jul 2014 05:41:22 +0000 UnReal Mama It has been a good week for Bollywood superstar Salman Khan and the rest of his team behind Sajid Nadiadwala’s blockbuster Eid release Kick. The movie has already raked in 50 crores in the first two days and looks set to earn a lot more. Naturally, Salman, his vast number of fans, screenwriter Chetan Bhagat, his vast multitude of fans, and a few other extras took to social media to celebrate. The UnReal Times’ Facebook correspondent, Mark Zuckerpandian brings you a snapshot of their conversations:

For non-Hindi speakers: Rahul’s line in the last set, “Mere baare mein zyada mat sochna…” is a punchline from Kick mouthed by Salman Khan, which literally (and a bit poorly) translates to: “Don’t think so much about me, I walk into your heart, not your understanding.”

(With inputs from columnist Ashwin Kumar)

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Modi nominates Manmohan Singh as UN envoy to articulate India’s stand on Israel-Palestine conflict Mon, 28 Jul 2014 02:21:53 +0000 UnReal Mama

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A long time ago, Dr Manmohan Singh served his country admirably with his legendary skills of economic administration. He could once again be doing so, this time on the diplomatic front, by leveraging his just as legendary skills of silence. The Modi government, which has been struggling to articulate the official Indian position on the latest round of violence in Gaza in a manner that doesn’t affect India’s ties either with the Zionist regime or the Arab nations, feels only Dr Manmohan Singh can perform the delicate balancing act. So he has been sounded out to be India’s UN representative.

“Look, we simply cannot afford to piss off either the Israelis or the Arabs in the slightest manner,” a top official of the Ministry of External Affairs told The UnReal Times. “The former supplies us our shells to fire our Bofors guns. The latter supplies 70% of our oil needs which fires just about everything else. So under the circumstances, Manmohanesque silence is our best strategy.”

There was some debate in the Ministry of External Affairs (MEA) about issuing a bland statement along the lines of “India is concerned about the ongoing conflict and is in favour of both sides stepping back”. But after much to and fro, MEA babus felt even that might be too controversial and end up rubbing both the Israelis and the Palestinians the wrong way. Finally, the MEA decided to leave it to Dr Manmohan Singh to formulate India’s response, if and when he becomes India’s UN representative.

Foreign policy experts feel Dr Manmohan Singh will also be well equipped to handle the Pakistan ambassador’s diatribes on Kashmir. “After honing his skills in Parliament, he is second to none at turning a deaf ear to vituperative tirades. The Pakistani ambassador will soon realize the futility of trying to get a response out of Dr Singh. This in turn will enable India to not get drawn into these cockfights over Kashmir and play a more mature, albeit silent, role on the world stage,” famous strategic affairs expert, Brahma Chellaney, opined.

Dr Manmohan Singh has not yet given his nod but mandarins in the MEA say it’s only a matter of time before he says, “theek hai”. Rumour mills also quoted the former PM as saying, “Modi has learned the tricks of the trade very well. The way he’s functioning so far reminds me a lot of my tenure and I’m fully confident he can manage this situation too, on his own, with a delightfully dignified silence.”

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TRANSCRIPT: Alia Bhatt and Rahul Gandhi appear on Koffee With Karan Sun, 27 Jul 2014 09:41:51 +0000 Ashwin Kumar The opening tunes of Koffee with Karan play, as the camera zooms in on the suave Karan Johar sipping his coffee with casual elegance.

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Karan (looks up after another sip): Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Our guests tonight are two of the most charming personalities in their respective fields. Lakhs of fans swoon over their dimples, and crores laugh at their intellect. Please put your hands together, for Rahul Gandhi and Alia Bhatt.

The camera pans to the staircase, where Rahul Gandhi and Alia Bhatt enter from either side. Rahul Gandhi, dressed in a simple, white Kurta, wears a wide grin on his face, while Alia, looking ravishing in a long, black gown, smiles demurely. Rahul waves to Karan energetically, while Alia walks down more elegantly.

Alia (still walking down the stairs): Karan, I still can’t believe I’m coming here once again, despite all the humiliation that has happened to me on this show and even during my intro on this very episode.

Karan (giggles): Haha! That’s the advantage of being the one who introduced you into films, darling! You can never cancel on me!(winks at her)

Alia makes a face at Karan. Rahul rolls his sleeves up and reaches Karan who greets him with a bear hug and a peck on his dimple. Rahul continues grinning.

Karan: So for the first time, the very hot and sexy Rahul Gandhi is appearing on Koffee with Karan. What an honour it is for me!

Rahul, still grinning, takes his seat.

Karan turns towards Alia, who extends her arms, all set to hug. But Karan joins his hands in a Namaste, and gestures towards the couch.

Karan: Please have a seat, Alia.

Alia is momentarily stunned, but recovers quickly and takes her seat.

Karan (makes himself comfortable on his couch, and turns to Rahul): Alright Rahul, who are you sleeping with?

Rahul (rolls his sleeves up): To know who Rahul Gandhi is sleeping with, you have to first know who Rahul Gandhi is.. and what Rahul Gandhi is all about. I am sure you have many questions Karan, but it is to answer these questions that our government brought in the RTI, the Right to Information Act – it is a game changer.

Karan (shaking his head with a smile): Aaah, you’re very cleverly escaping the question, darling! Alright, let me ask Alia, who is Rahul Gandhi sleeping with?

Alia stares at Karan blankly.

Karan: Aaaaah wait a second. Alia, who is Rahul Gandhi? (smiles mischievously and takes a sip from his coffee mug)

Alia (stares blank at Karan for a few seconds): The son…no, wait…grandson of Mahatma Gandhi? (covers her face and turns away)

Karan: Hahahaha! Mahatma Gandhi? Oh God! See Rahul, you have lakhs of girls swooning over you, but here’s one who doesn’t know who you are!

Rahul: Karan, it is not important if women know or do not know who Rahul Gandhi is. What women need, is to be empowered. The system needs to be open, women and youth need to be brought in to the system.

Karan (looks confused for a few moments): Ohhh..kayyyy..Rahul, now tell me, does it bother you when you see that youth make so much fun of you?

Rahul (grins widely): What Rahul Gandhi thinks about youth is, that they are not a part of the system. The system needs to be opened, and youth must be brought in to shape the paradigm.

Karan (decides he’s had enough, turns to Alia): Alright, Alia, did it ever embarrass you when it was revealed that your father plagiarized tweets from Harvard Business Review?

Alia (clueless): from where?

Karan: Ohhhhhhh (gives an evil smile) Harvard Business Review, Alia. Should I repeat it again? (winks)

Alia(angry smile): No!

Karan: Well, if that wasn’t embarrassing enough, this sure is. Stay tuned ladies and gentlemen, we’ll be back for the rocking rapid fire round!

Alia (takes a cushion, hides her face behind it): NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Rahul continues to grin.

Karan: Alright, it’s time for the rocking rapid fire round! Rahul, let’s begin with you…What did you think of Humpty Sharma ki Dulhania?

Rahul: What I think is, it’s complete nonsense. It ought to be thrown into the dustbin and torn apart!

Karan: Ohh kkkaayyy that’s not very kind! If you woke up this morning as Digvijaya Singh, you would have?

Rahul: This morning…hmmm…woken up…at night!

Karan: Haha! Ok…The actress with the highest sex appeal – Parineeti, Alia, Deepika, Priyanka, Kareena, Katrina or Anushka?

Rahul: Alia…she has the escape velocity of Jupiter!

Alia: Of what?

Karan (covers his mouth with his Galaxy tab): Haha! Oh God! Ok ..describe Bollywood in one sentence

Rahul: Bollywood everywhere…it’s in your shirt, it’s in your pant! It’s everywhere!

Karan (giggles): Haha! Wonderful, alright, the last question – At gunpoint, you are forced to have a gay encounter with someone! Whom would you choose?

Rahul (rolls his sleeves up): Let me ask you the same thing, whom would you choose?

Karan (stunned): I can’t answer that, darling, the question is for you! (after a pause, decides he’s had enough of Rahul) Anyway, that ends your rapid fire round.

Alia (pleading): Please, give him the hamper! I am not taking part in this round!

Karan: Haha! Okay, Rahul Gandhi wins the hamper. Now to the even better part – the Koffee quiz!!!

Alia (trembling): Oh Godddddd !! Can we go back to the rapid fire itself, please?

Karan throws the buzzers at his two guests. Alia catches one, while the other hits Rahul squarely on his face. Rahul wakes up from his nap and looks about, dazed.

Karan: Wake up, Rahul! Alright, here are your buzzers, here we go! Who invented computers?



Karan: Wrong! Charles Babbage!

Rahul: Sorry, Galti se mistake ho gaya! (rolls his sleeves up)

Alia: What cabbage?

Karan (laughs): Babbage, darling! Next: Who is known as the Nightingale of India?


Karan (bursts out laughing, falls off his sofa, Rahul grins): Okay, let me ..haha (catches his breath again)..continue …who is known as the father of the nation?

Alia and Rahul (shout together): ARNAB GOSWAMI!

Karan (chokes in laughter, coughs incessantly): Oh my God! -3 -3 !!!! Okay, what is the Higgs-Boson particle?

Alia (stares): Not fair!

Rahul: It is a state of mind!

Karan (chuckles): -4 -4 !!!! Okay, last question, darlings! What did Sir Isaac Newton discover when an apple fell on his head?!

Alia: Apple? iPhone !!!! iPhone !!!!!

Rahul: No no no …iPad !!

Karan (shakes his head in uncontrollable laughter): Alright darlings, I’m sorry, none of you win the Koffee Quiz and I shall keep this package with me! Thank you so much for coming on Koffee With Karan and for letting me win!

We will now view footages of what people have to say about you.

The trio proceed to watch a video compilation of adulatory messages from Mani Shankar Aiyar, Sanjay Jha, Rajeev Shukla, Digvijaya Singh and Mahesh Bhatt, Varun Dhawan, Arjun Kapoor etc much to assuage the battered souls of the two guests. Fade out.

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Chetan Bhagat’s old boss in Deutsche Bank responds to his open letter Sun, 27 Jul 2014 02:46:54 +0000 UnReal Mama


Basking in the success of Salman Khan’s latest release Kick, screenwriter Chetan Bhagat wrote an open letter to his fans and haters, reminiscing about the time his boss in Deutsche Bank gave him a bad performance review, which eventually led him to take up writing as a career. (Read the letter here.)

Hours after Bhagat’s letter went viral, his old boss responded with an emotional letter of his own, that he sent it to The UnReal Times:

Here’s the full text:


Just got back from watching Kick…

Sometimes, I look back and wonder, what on earth have I done? What have I unleashed upon this world?

I remember those days back at the bank in Hong Kong, doing Chetan’s performance appraisal. I remember telling him that he doesn’t deserve to be promoted. He took it hard, but I remember ignoring it, thinking that he’d perhaps go get drunk, and come back to work the next day, albeit with a hangover.

Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine he’d start writing a book, let alone one about his three lame friends in Engineering college.

Six books, five films and a hundred columns later, today as I see Kick release in more screens than any other film ever, I wonder, what if I had not treated him so shabbily? What if I had given him a good performance rating? What if he had stayed in Investment banking instead of venturing out to be a writer? Screw you God, for not giving me the strength and wisdom at the moment.

All of us tell our subordinates they aren’t good enough. It’s fun to be a boss and kick down. But don’t. Because nobody, not even you, knows what that chap might be capable of. What he might go on to write.

Congratulations to you Chetan for the big release today.

And sorry dear Indians. Sorry very much for not promoting Chetan back then.

Chetan Bhagat’s old boss at Deutsche Bank
26 July 2014″

(Editors: Just kidding, Chetan. We’re just jealous that your books sell so much as compared to ours :P)

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Physicists define new physical constant, the Taran Adarsh constant, with a value of 4.5 Sun, 27 Jul 2014 02:22:22 +0000 UnReal Mama

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It is a matter of pride for the Indian scientific community. For the first time ever, a new physical constant named after an Indian, the Taran Adarsh constant, will now find pride of place in the pantheon of physical constants such as Planck’s constant, Coulomb’s constant, Fermi coupling constant, Faraday constant, Boltzmann constant and Avogadro’s number.

A physical constant is a quantity that is believed to be both universal in nature and constant in time. The National Institute of Standards and Technology has now accepted, after thorough investigation, that Taran Adarsh’s film ratings fulfill all the criteria to be accorded the status of a physical constant. This means the Taran Adarsh constant can be used in equations and theories describing the physics of the universe.

“We have been carefully conducting experiments to ascertain that Taran Adarsh’s film ratings are indeed constant and the data speaks for itself,” disclosed leading experimental physicist, Michael Farenheit. “Can you believe it, Dhoom 3, Ra.One, Bodyguard, Bullet Raja, Dabangg 2 and Om Shanti Om, all these movies have been rated 4.5 stars by Taran Adarsh. Clearly, the dude’s rating will not change however crappy the movie is.” There was still some misgiving within the scientific community but all doubts were cleared when Kick also got a 4.5 star rating by the leading Indian film critic.

For the record, the Taran Adarsh constant, 4.5, will have infinite number of significant figures, since it is a defined constant. The National Institute of Standards and Technology has advised film critics to express their ratings as a multiple of the Taran Adarsh constant, going forward. “For instance, the new Hrithik Roshan Katrina Kaif starrer, Bang Bang, in my opinion, would get a 1.08 Taran Adarsh rating, simply because Katrina looks so hot in the movie,” suggested the head of National Institute of Standards and Technology, Dr Dimitri Bertsimaas.

It is only a matter of time before the Taran Adarsh constant makes its way into pop culture with Shivraj Singh Chouhan being one of the first to congratulate Taran on Twitter. Kaun Banega Crorepati producers have confirmed that they will frame questions for the initial rounds around the Taran Adarsh constant. JEE coaching centers have also asked students to by-heart the value of the Taran Adarsh constant as it could be asked in the multiple choice section.

(Based on this tweet by @scotchism)

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COMIC: Narendra Modi’s rough week and how it ended Sat, 26 Jul 2014 12:40:17 +0000 Ashwin Kumar It was arguably one of the roughest and toughest weeks for PM Narendra Modi, with loose cannons in the NDA doing and saying ridiculous stuff left right and center, in the process drawing considerable criticism from the opposition, media and the aam aadmis (the real aam aadmis, not the ones with topis, although they criticized Modi too). How did Modi react to each happening? And how did his week end?







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Learn about the news items referred to in each pic: 1 2 3 4 5 6

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COMIC: Why did the Modi govt vote against Israel in UNHRC resolution Sat, 26 Jul 2014 06:15:06 +0000 Anand Walunjkar After stubbornly refusing to entertain opposition demands for a resolution against Israel in the Parliament, the Modi government surprised hardcore BJP fans by voting against Israel in the UNHRC resolution for a probe into the country’s offensive in Gaza. What caused this change of heart?






(All image thumbnails via, except 4-1, 4-2)

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AAP considering alliance with BJP after latter’s series of U-turns on various issues Sat, 26 Jul 2014 05:18:16 +0000 Ashwin Kumar Putting stark differences in ideology aside, the Aam Aadmi Party has been seriously mulling the idea of allying with the Bharatiya Janata Party, after their recent spate of sharp U-turns on several key issues has impressed the AAP leadership.

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“Kejri bhai has fought tooth and nail against the BJP for many months, but in the past few days, his stance has softened remarkably and he has been developing a soft corner for the BJP. He was very impressed with their U-turns on Israel, black money, Henderson-brooks report, ceasefire violations and so on. With each U-turn, his heart grew fonder and beyond a point, he seriously began to deliberate on allying with them,” an AAP leader told The UnReal Times.

“And it’s not just the U-turns – it’s also a common affinity for Congress president Sonia Gandhi. Kejri bhai has not spoken a word on the National Herald scam and barring Dr.Subramanian Swamy, the BJP has also been equally silent in respect and reverence of Mrs.Gandhi. This is another factor in which Kejri bhai saw common ground. And the proximity to Reliance wasn’t that big a deal either. Kumar Vishwas bhai is likely to take part in Bigg Boss, that will be aired on Network18′s Colors TV. So all is fair in love and U-turns,” the leader added.

Sources in the BJP camp too, added that the ruling party at the center is extremely pleased with the developments with Finance Minister Arun Jaitley announcing several new 100 crore schemes for Delhi in a rush of excitement. “Given that we have no intra party consensus on how to take on the AAP in the upcoming Delhi polls, or on who would be our CM candidate, it’s ideal that we sidestep this headache altogether and simply ally with the AAP to bash the Congress,” said senior BJP leader Jagdish Mukhi.

However, political analysts contend that the alliance is an unstable equilibrium and it would take very little to upset it. “Considering that these two parties have come together on the common plank of their propensity to execute U-turns, it is only a matter of time before one of them executes another U-turn and declares that it will never ally with the other. The situation in Delhi is still fluid,” observed The UnReal Times political analyst Bekaar Patel.

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Director concedes Mary Kom should have been cast as Mary Kom Sat, 26 Jul 2014 01:49:36 +0000 K Balakumar

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Mumbai: The makers of the film Mary Kom today conceded that they might have made a mistake in casting Priyanka Chopra as the boxer Mary Kom when the right thing would have been to let Mary Kom play Mary Kom.

“Mary Kom as Mary Kom ticks all the boxes”, said the film’s director Omung Kumar. “She is not only a Manipuri, but also looks Manipuri.” Priyanka Chopra, on the other hand, has a long way to go before she can even start to resemble a Manipuri, Omung said candidly.

Getting the Manipuri part is vital to this movie because it cannot be counted to get the Manipur part right because this is a Sanjay Leela Bansali production. His idea of slums in films is more or less: A suburb in Austria.

Mary Kom, the commercial film on the eponymous Indian woman boxer from the neglected North-East who created history by winning a bronze medal in London Olympics, has faced flak, especially on social media platforms, for the fact its heroine is in reality a Punjabi. There has also been criticism over the fact Priyanka’s makeup gives her a slit-eyed look, which is being seen as perpetuating the racial stereotype of those from the North-East of India.

Why draw attention to something that is used pejoratively to put down a race is the question that is being resonantly asked on twitter and other forum where they, between fervently crying for the victims in Gaza and Syria, also talk, equally fervently, of the oomph factor of, say, Sunny Leone.

“Looking back, I would say that it was a wrong decision on our part to pick Priyanka as the heroine,” Omung said, and added ‘we were naïve, or even stupid, to believe that we could get away by making a professional actress act out a character in a film. Now it is clear to us that to play a Manipuri boxer the politically correct, not to say the ethically right, thing would have been to cast a Manipuri boxer”.

Looking the part (of character) is an important aspect in films that are based out of real-life personalities. For instance, Ben Kingsley prepared himself to play Gandhi by running a fabric store in Surat and then emigrating to Kenya so that he could embrace true Gujarathiness.

In Bollywood, Aamir Khan, who is a stickler for realism, insisted that he shoot himself with real bullets in the portion he played the role of Chandrasekar Azad in Rang de Basanti. For reasons that cannot be called logical, the director put his foot down on Aaamir’s proposal.

Back in Tamil Nadu, Kamal Haasan portrayed the character of George Bush to a nicety in the film Dasavatharam by taking lessons from (Bush’s deputy) Dan Quayle. (The film, in portions, certainly looked directed by Quayle).

Getting back to Mary Kom and Priyanka, Omung said “it was an honest mistake. Our intentions were good only. We understood that Manipur and Mary Kom’s achievements have not got the recognition they deserved. And we felt that the best way to draw India’s attention to them is by letting Priyanka and us make money through the film”.

“I mean when Priyanka, who herself has brought laurels to the country — she, for the record, has the maximum number of lip jobs in the world — plays a character, people are bound to take notice. Let us face it, only after Farhan Akhtar turned up on screen as Milkha Singh did much of the younger generation know about the legendary runner’s exploits, especially on the sidelines of Melbourne Olympics,” Omung said with a wink.

Even though Mary Kom is being criticised for not being true to Manipur, Priyanka is already walking away with plaudits for getting the boxer part right. Which is kind of surprising because Priyanka’s previous experience stops with showing up in shorts — as she did in Dostana — that are several sizes smaller than a standard boxer.

Apparently, Priyanka underwent special training thanks to which she, on the basis of the trailer, looks exactly like a top-flight international boxer when played by a former Miss World.

On the face of it, looks like Priyanka is set for an award. Our only worry is that Indian sports administration being what it is, it doesn’t end up bestowing the Arjuna award on her.

(Disclaimer: When the film releases, at least one review will carry the heading: Jab we met)

(Originally published in Crank’s Corner)

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Facebook Wall: England cricket team haunted by defeat at Lord’s Fri, 25 Jul 2014 00:50:25 +0000 UnReal Mama With the defeat at Lord’s still haunting them, England’s cricketers appear more spooked than ever. Our England and Wales cricket correspondent, Geoffrey Howzatt, went behind the scenes to bring you the goings-on from the English camp:

(Bali Brahmbhatt set inspired by a @diogeneb tweet) 

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