The UnReal Times India's favorite satire, spoof, parody and humour portal - Politics, Cricket, Business, Governance, Technology, Foreign Affairs and more Fri, 12 Feb 2016 10:00:32 +0000 en-US hourly 1 In Tweets: Indian celebrities react to discovery of gravitational waves Fri, 12 Feb 2016 04:25:26 +0000 Ashwin Kumar In a stunning discovery yesterday, LIGO, a large-scale laboratory set up to detect gravitational waves, announced the detection of gravitational waves. Now, we know or understand nothing about this, so if you want to know more about this, we suggest you start here. What we can do is bring to you some unreal reactions of some Indian celebrities and celebrity outfits:
















]]> 0 timesnow ndtv shivrajchouhan sambitpatra modi hindu ashu1 ligo ashu2 bhupendrachaube babaramdev rahulgandhi babasehgal barkha sagarikaghose sitaramyechury toi1 kejriwalfinal
Marc Andreessen impact: Baba Ramdev to launch desi version of Facebook named ‘Mukhanjali’ Fri, 12 Feb 2016 02:42:28 +0000 Saket Kalikar After billionaire venture capitalist and member of Facebook’s board of directors Marc Andreessen offended Indian sentiments by suggesting that India could have been better-off under colonial rule, Yoga guru and proponent of all things desi, Baba Ramdev announced his plans to launch the desi version of social networking site Facebook.

Andreessen’s remarks were a reaction to India’s rejection of Facebook’s Free Basics project.

While describing the Facebook-associate’s remarks about India as disdainful, Baba Ramdev, speaking to reporters in his Ashram in Haridwar said that Marc Andreessen’s derogatory comment on India and Indians had inspired him to launch a desi version of Facebook.

Ramdev revealed that the desi social media platform will be named ‘Mukhanjali’, an amalgamation of ‘Mukh’, a Hindi word for Face and ‘Patanjali’, Ramdev’s popular brand-name.

Snapshot of a page from Mukhanjali

Speaking to The UnReal Times about his new venture, Baba Ramdev said, “Indian citizens, offended by Andreessen’s remarks wanted to boycott social media platforms owned by his company, Facebook and WhatsApp, and bleed them financially. But ironically, for spreading the word about the proposed boycott, people had to use these very social media platforms, thus negating the whole purpose of the exercise. People turned in large numbers on Facebook to troll Andreessen and ended up boosting its traffic and revenue. That is when I decided that Indians need a social media platform that is fully theirs. And the idea of ‘Mukhanjali’ was born.”

Though Baba wasn’t forthcoming about the details, we were able to get some insight into Project Mukhanjali through our sources placed within the group associated with the project.  It is learnt that the desi social media platform will have some unique features like a built-in algorithm to promote the desi cult and denounce anything connected with ‘videshi’. The algorithm will ensure that if a post contains word ‘Patanjali’ or something even remotely resembling it (like ‘Patan’ or ‘Anjali’), it will automatically get a ‘like’ as soon as it’s posted. (eg. A post titled “My trip to Patan, Gujarat’ or ‘an evening with Anjali’ will fall in this category). However, anything containing or resembling the words ‘Italy’ or ‘Pappu’ or ‘Cola’ or ‘Maggi’ will get an automatic ‘dislike’. (eg. A post titled ‘Jaitley’s interview with Barkha’ will fall in this category). Moreover, the ‘Like’ button will remain deactivated by default for all such posts.

When asked if he himself had a Facebook account, Ramdev vehemently denied it, and said that it was like asking if he had a Swiss bank account. He said he could never have any type of account in something which had a foreign connection, be it a bank or Facebook.  He exhorted fellow Indians to close all foreign accounts whether it’s in the Swiss bank or on Facebook and turn desi.

Claiming that the Mukhanjali Project represents the spirit of prestigious Make-In-India initiative, Baba Ramdev did not deny the possibility of rolling out desi substitutes of Twitter and WhatsApp in future, which could be named ‘Chiraiya’ and ‘Chaupal’ respectively.

We tried contacting Mark Zuckerberg for his reaction on the subject, but he was busy in close consultation with his aides. It is learnt than he could be planning to make a visit to Haridwar for a hands-on assessment of the strengths of the rival.

]]> 0 mukhanjali1 Snapshot of a page from Mukhanjali
Worried that fans will now target him in case of defeat, Dhoni urges Anushka, Virat to make up Thu, 11 Feb 2016 05:05:38 +0000 UnReal Mama The widely reported breakup between actress Anushka Sharma and Indian cricket’s mainstay Virat Kohli may have upset a lot of cricket and Bollywood fans, but no one is losing as much sleep over the issue as skipper MS Dhoni.

“Mahi hasn’t been himself ever since he heard about the breakup. With the World T20 tournament coming up, MS is upset that he will no longer have Anushka Sharma in the stands to take the hit for his losses. Having her amidst the spectators reassured him that even if something goes wrong in the match, people will go after her for bringing bad luck to the team instead of burning his effigy or stoning his house, which in turn actually improved his captaincy. But now with Virat no longer seeing Anushka, she has no reason to come watch the match,” said a Team India insider, and added. “Dhoni wants his panauti back.”

Dhoni has, since, spent all his time trying to persuade the two to make up and get back into a relationship.

“Think about it, yaar,” he was heard pleading to Kohli, “the next time you get out after playing one shot too many, people will blame your lack of judgement instead of cursing Anushka for appearing on camera just before that over. Commentators will say horrible things like ‘That wasn’t sensible cricket by Virat’. Do you really want that?”

Dhoni has also been urging Anushka Sharma to reconsider Virat’s proposal, which is reportedly the reason for their breakup. “What was so wrong about his proposal, yaar?” he was heard beseeching Anushka, “You are a Delhi girl, he’s a Delhi boy. He’s good looking and successful, and frankly far better than that joker Ranveer Singh you were dating earlier. There’s also no age difference between you two. Your parents like Virat. Even your horoscopes match; I checked that yesterday on Then what is the problem? If you don’t want to marry him now, that’s OK. Get married a little later, but why are you breaking up?”

An annoyed Anushka Sharma later said, “I have received more calls and SMSs from Dhoni than Virat on this matter. If this goes on, I’ll gonna have to block him and report him to the authorities.”

When his efforts yielded no results, Dhoni, like Kohli, tweeted a picture of himself with the caption “Heartbroken”. Fortunately, Sakshi Dhoni quickly deleted the tweet before anyone could take a snapshot (other than The UnReal Times, of course), thereby saving themselves random media speculation about their marriage.

Meanwhile, Yuvraj Singh’s illustrious father, Yograj Singh blasted Dhoni for interfering in the private matters of Kohli and Anushka and shamelessly pleading them to get back together. “Didn’t I tell you that one day he’ll end up begging, and not get any favour?” he crowed in delight.

]]> 0 dhoni-heartbroken
SKIT: This man calls Customer Care only to get trolled big time Thu, 11 Feb 2016 02:36:50 +0000 Saket Kalikar “We are sorry to keep you waiting”….. “Your call is important to us”…… “One of our Customer Support Executives will respond to you soon”

“We are sorry to keep you waiting……………”

“We are sorry……………”

“We are sorry……………”

(after several such sorrys, finally a voice responds)

“Hi, I am Rocky, your Customer Support Executive. How may I assist you today?”

Me: I am not able to receive or make any calls or SMS from my mobile No. 98********.

He: I am sorry to hear that. Let me help you with this.

(A few seconds later)

He: I am sorry to inform you that our system is not able to identify you as a customer.

Me: Huh? Why?

He: I am sorry, sir. But you are not calling from the mobile number 98******** for which you want to register a complaint. Actually you must call from the same number for which you have a complaint.

Me: I told you that the number is not working. I am not able to make any calls from that number. Hence I am using another phone to call you.

He: Sorry to know that, sir. But again sorry to inform you that to get any help from us you must call us from that number only.

Me (with a raised voice): Come on. How is that possible? I already told you that the number isn’t working. And this call to you now is exactly about that!

He:  Sorry to hear that, sir. But sorry to inform that as per our company policy unless you call from the same number, we cannot identify you as a legitimate owner of that number.

Me: This is weird. How can you be so stupi… Okay, okay, why don’t you identify me with my details? That mother’s maiden name thingy and all?

He: I am sorry, sir, for the inconvenience. Now tell me your e-mail id, your Aadhaar card number, your driving license number, your father’s name, your mother’s name, your aunt’s second cousin’s name, your High school English teacher’s name, your…

Me: Wait, why do you want me to tell my English teacher’s name? I don’t want you to speak to her and know how poorly I had scored in Spelling and Grammar!

He: Sorry about that, sir, I mean your poor grades in spelling and grammar. And I am sorry to inform you that as per our policy unless you give us these details, we can’t help you.

(after a pause)

He: And sir, we have a special package for you where you can learn English Spelling and grammar through our unique SMS based learning program. And you will get a degree from IIN too!

Me (gritting teeth): Okay, here is all the info you needed to identify me. (gives info) Now please solve my problem.

He: Sorry sir, for the inconvenience you are facing with your mobile number.  I have registered your complaint and our back-end technical team will call you within 24 working hours to solve the problem.

Me: Wait! What’s this 24 working hours? Do you mean that with 8 working hours per day the 24 working hours are actually 3 days? Will it take so long for your technical team to contact me?

He: Sorry sir. I am sorry to inform you that it may be longer than that. Because day after tomorrow is Saturday, and then Sunday, both non-working days for us. Then Monday is a festival-holiday. The Tuesday is Valentine’s day celebration in our office, so all of us will be partying… Wednesday is again a festival-holiday, Thursday is our group picnic so a non-working day for us. Friday as you know is  Good Friday. Then Saturday…

Me (livid): This is madness! You mean to say that I will have to wait for next to next Thursday, a good 12 days from now before your 24 working hour period is over?

He: Sorry sir, but we are not allowed to do any calculations about this. We can only inform that our team will contact you within next 24 working hours.

Me: I demand to speak to your senior.

He: Okay sir, I will connect you to my senior now. Sorry again for the inconvenience you are facing.

(Silence for a minute then a voice appears from the other side of the phone.)

The Voice: How may I assist you sir?

(Voice seems familiar)

Me: Wait…are you not the same person I was talking to? I asked you to let me speak to your senior, didn’t I?

The Voice: Yesss! But actually I have just been promoted. Looking at my splendid performance during this call, they have promoted me to a senior position just now. So technically now I am the person you were wanting to speak to.

Me (giving up): Never mind, just give me a complaint number.

He: Sorry sir, but I can’t give you any complaint number now. The complaint number will be SMSed to your mobile number 98********.

Me: But that number isn’t working! I am not able to get any calls or SMS on it. How will I see my complaint registration number then?

He: Sorry sir, but I can’t give you the complaint number. As per our procedure the complaint number will be SMSed to 98******** only.

Me: ARGH! Screw the complaint number. I’ll just wait for your technical person to address the issue.

He: Yes, sir, don’t worry, our technical team will call you on 98******** within 24 working hours.

Me (losing it): WHAT?! They will call me on 98********? But the number isn’t working. And that’s what all this is about!!

He: Sorry to hear that your number 98******** isn’t working, sir. But as per our policy, our team will contact you at your number 98******** only. So please be available when they call you at this number.

Me (pulling hair): What the F*CK!

He: Sorry sir?

Me (regaining composure somehow): Okay, okay, enough. You don’t have to be sorry for the poor services you company is providing to me. See, this isn’t personal. I am just annoyed with the services I am getting from your company.

He: Sorry sir. Sorry to note that.

Me (sympathetically): Why do you keep on saying sorry for every small and big thing? Please understand that your sorry does not help me. All I need is a resolution for the problem and not apologies from you.

He: Sorry sir. Sorry to note that you do not want to hear sorry from us. Bur Sorry sir, we have been trained to tell you sorry again and again till you feel sorry for us. In fact I can say sorry in 30 different languages: English, Kannada, Arabic, Bengali and so on. Which one do you prefer sir? And if you want to hear sorry in French, press ‘5’ the next time you call us, and press ‘6’ for hearing sorry in German.

Me (banging head on wall): I am sorry. I am really sorry that I made this call to Customer Care!

He: Sorry sir to hear that you are feeling sorry. But as per our policy…

Me: #$%^&***& (flings the phone out of the window)

He (as the phone is flying through the air): Sorry sir, are you still there?

(Reported by Citizen Satirist, Saket Kalikar. He blogs at “The Mayflower Tree“)

]]> 0 csr
UnReal Toon: The repercussions of Shane Warne’s criticism of Steve Waugh Wed, 10 Feb 2016 04:27:00 +0000 Sagar Kumar Australian spin legend Shane Warne recently lashed out at former captain Steve Waugh, calling him the most selfish cricketer he ever knows. The statement had its repercussions in India. Our cartoonist shows how.

(Idea by Ashwin)

]]> 0 yograjshane
AIIMS approves Rahul Gandhi’s quotes for the treatment of schizophrenia Wed, 10 Feb 2016 02:18:51 +0000 Flying Table-fan

(Image via

In a path-breaking development, psychiatrists from AIIMS have found the most effective treatment for schizophrenia: they would now recite Rahul Gandhi’s quotes to patients suffering from psychiatric ailments instead of following conventional procedures.

Addressing a group of journalists, the head of psychiatry department Dr. S.K. Thripathi revealed that the trial has already been carried out on a few rats where they listened to Rahul Gandhi’s quotes and responded well to the procedure. Now the medical team is all set to try this method on real patients.  However, there have been reports that a few patients have gone missing following the announcement.

Speaking to The Unreal Times, Dr. Thripathi said, “People suffering from schizophrenia often fail to relate to their surroundings and they comprehend everything in a slightly different manner. We give them medication and counseling to support the recovery process, but we wanted to try a different therapy. We wanted to see how they respond to something that’s completely irrelevant to human reasoning.”

“We have been working on this for the past few years, without any luck. And finally one day, one of our colleagues came running out of the lab, screaming, ‘Eureka, eureka!  I think I have found it.’ Brandishing his mobile like the sword of Tipu Sultan, he ran from one corner to the other with tears rolling down his cheeks.  Once he caught his breath, he showed us a trend on Twitter called #Pappuquotes.  We punched the air in joy and said, ‘This is it.’ “

He reclined in his chair and, with an air of vanity, said, “See, there is a saying in medical science – ‘Jaise loha lohe ko kat-ta hai, zehar zehar ko kat-ta hai…”

“But that’s a clichéd line from old Bollywood movies,” we interrupted.

“Fine, you do the treatment then,” he stomped out of the room.

When we contacted Rahul Gandhi, he said, “This is grand!  I think I should get a Nobel Prize in Medicine for this.”

“No but when a few scientists used potato plants to make a new medicine, those scientists were rewarded. The potato plants did not get any prize,” we explained.

He looked at us blankly for a few seconds and said, “Thanks! When I first heard the news, I was really happy. I looked out the window and pondered, ‘Am I really that great?’ and my inner voice said, ‘You tell me, what do you think?’ and I found the answer.”

“So…what’s the answer?”

“That’s the answer.”


“That’s a valid answer,” he affirmed.

“Anyway, congratulations! Any message that you would like to give to the nation on this occasion?”

“Yes,” he folded his sleeves and said, “When you fly up in the sky and the clouds beckon to you, look beyond that dragon, you would see an elephant. But that’s not an elephant, that’s a beehive, and that’s India.”

]]> 0 rahulgandhischizofeatured (Image via
Airtel, Vodafone to work with Sushma Swaraj, Suresh Prabhu to send One Time Passwords sooner Tue, 09 Feb 2016 01:55:00 +0000 Ashwin Kumar In one of the biggest deals in recent times, telecom giants Airtel and Vodafone have entered into a partnership with Indian External Affairs Minister Sushma Swaraj and Railway Minister Suresh Prabhu, for faster delivery of one-time passwords.

(Images via

“It was a matter of time before we did something about our painfully slow delivery of one-time passwords and it finally happened. Yesterday, we heard a story where Bhola, a young man, who was in an emergency, had to book train and flight tickets. For some reason, at the time of authorizing his payment, he wasn’t getting his one-time password at all. He tried contacting our customer care and I don’t think I need to explain how that went. So he immediately tweeted to Sureshji and Sushmaji about his problem and they immediately spoke to their Telecom counterpart Ravi Shankar Prasad, who somehow managed to retrieve the unsent one-time passwords swiftly, before going on to demand my resignation. Bhola had the passwords within 5 minutes. He was able to make both payments and undertook his journeys successfully, while the one-time passwords that were supposed to come arrived an hour later. Given the speed with which they’re responding, we decided to hand over the management of one-time passwords to them. They’ve gladly agreed,” Airtel CEO Gopal Vittal told The UnReal Times.

“Hereafter, I’m sure that even if there’s no delay in the arrival of the OTP, users who tweet to Sushmaji or Sureshji will receive them before it comes on its own,” Vittal added. Vodafone India CEO Sunil Sood added that they too, have signed contracts with ministers for similar purposes. “Our earlier tagline was wherever you go, your network follows. Now, it’s wherever you go, help from Swaraj and Prabhu follows,” Sood said.

When asked about users whom the EAM has blocked on Twitter, Vittal said, “That’s no worry. She will unblock the user, help him or her out and then block once again, once help has been rendered,” Sood replied.

“Also, I forgot to mention one thing. In the highly unlikely circumstance that Prabhu misses seeing your request, just embed your request in a photo and tweet ‘Was at XYZ railway station. Was stunned to see it sparkling clean. #SwacchBharat’ to him. Those kind of tweets never, ever escape his watch,” Vittal added.

Telecom companies aside, the ministers’ swift response system has also attracted the attention of social media giant Google. “The other day, I heard that one of our Indian developers who had lost his passport put out a post on Google Plus. To his surprise, he received the passport within a week. He hadn’t even tagged anyone, but his post was under Sushmaji‘s scanner within minutes. I was speechless. Chance eh illa, machi! Thaaru maaru thakkali soru! These Indian ministers use Google+ even more than anyone here at Google does. So it won’t be long before we collaborate,” Google CEO Sundar Pichai told The UnReal Times.

According to the BJP, the contract was initially supposed to include Smriti Irani too, but her name was struck off the list. “I know Smriti’s quite fast too. But apart from running her ministry, the party also needs her for the key task of slapping these presstitutes once in a while. So with due apologies, we unfortunately can’t afford to use her time for this OTP thing,” MoS External Affairs General VK Singh said.

]]> 0 swaraj prabhu (Images via
After Deepika reads her dad’s letter, Salman Khan to read his court verdict at next Filmfare awards Mon, 08 Feb 2016 09:11:42 +0000 Flying Table-fan

(Image via

Painter, humanitarian, artist, and actor Salman Khan has expressed his desire to read out the court verdict in his hit and run case at the next award function. He made this announcement today after Deepika Padukone shed copious amounts of tears at the Filmfare Award Ceremony while reading out a letter her father wrote to her, which now stands as an open letter, making Prakash Padukone feel that the intended recipients of his letter were the audience members of Filmfare Awards.

Speaking to The UnReal Times, Salman Khan said, “I was really touched by the message Mr. Padukone’s letter conveyed. It evoked a lot of emotion and everyone present there had tears in their eyes. Since then I decided do something similar. Even I want to bring tears in everyone’s eyes.”

“But you have already achieved that with your movie Prem Ratan Dhan Payo…I mean, Bajrangi Bhaijaan. Even Aamir Khan was seen wiping his eyes when he came out of the theater after watching the movie,” we said.

“Yes and then he watched his nephew’s movie and cried,” said Bhai, making a face. “But I want to see tears in bulk and I want to cry with them as well. See, I broke down when the court verdict was announced but no one saw that. I want to enact the whole process all over again on the stage where I will read out the verdict and then I will break down in tears. I am sure there will be many crying with me.”

“Of course, people love you.  Moreover, there are quite a few out-of-work actors banking on you to re-launch them,” we concurred.

“No but the verdict was quite emotional for me. It was like the letter Deepika’s dad wrote to her. Let me read it out for you guys. Please bear with me for two minutes – ‘Dear Salman, You stand on the threshold of a new journey in life. When you told us that you wanted to start life afresh, we felt you were too immature and too inexperienced to be driving alone in a big city full of pavement dwellers, and on the roads you knew nothing about. But in the end we decided to let you follow your heart.’“

“So, how is it? I can see tears in your eyes,” he looked at us with a self-assured smile.

“That’s because we walk on the pavement quite often and…”

“Now just imagine how the audience will react when I read this. Anyway, gotta go for a drive. Are you guys coming?”

We ran inside the nearest building.

Meanwhile, sources revealed that Akshay Kumar is planning to read Twinkle Khanna’s book at the next award function irrespective of whether he wins an award or not.

]]> 0 deepikasalman (Image via
In Pictures: How Congress cornered PM Modi on Anar Patel land issue Mon, 08 Feb 2016 02:45:10 +0000 Ashwin Kumar Keen to corner PM Modi over reports of land dealings in Gujarat involving CM Anandiben Patel’s daughter Anar Patel, the Congress party struck the first blow. Our correspondent Atul Baskarbe brings you the story:


Jaa mere sher = Go, my lion


Kaunsa soup? = Which soup?







Modi: Looks like my bad days have started



(Image sources: 1b, 4b, 8b, 9a, 9b, Rest via

]]> 0 1 copy 2 copy 3 copy 4 copy 5 copy 6 copy 7 copy 8 copy 9 copy 10 copy 11 copy
UnReal Toon: Farewell, Sudhir Tailang Sun, 07 Feb 2016 06:25:15 +0000 Sagar Kumar Noted cartoonist Sudhir Tailang passed away on Saturday, after a two year battle with brain cancer. Rest in Peace, Mr. Tailang.

(Based on an idea by Ashwin Kumar)

]]> 0 sudhirtailang