The UnReal Times India's favorite satire, spoof, parody and humour portal - Politics, Cricket, Business, Governance, Technology, Foreign Affairs and more Thu, 26 Nov 2015 04:47:41 +0000 en-US hourly 1 Aamir Khan officially inaugurates the second festival of Intolerance Thu, 26 Nov 2015 04:43:44 +0000 Vinita Krishnamurthy

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Bollywood actor Aamir Khan today declared the second “Festival of Intolerance” open with his statements at the Ramnath Goenka for Excellence in Journalism Awards. Organisers of the festival said that there was a growing demand for an early re-commencing since participants felt “a growing sense of despondency” and were “alarmed” that there was nothing much to do otherwise. Excerpts from an interview with one of the volunteers –

Interviewer: Why involve an actor as popular as Aamir Khan?

Rising Intolerance Volunteer:  “We thought Aamir would be a good recruit to kick-start the whole rigmarole again. He’s Muslim, successful, has a huge fan following. If he says things are not OK then people will sit up and take notice.”

Interviewer: But Aamir hardly comes across as someone who is a victim of intolerance.

Rising Intolerance Volunteer: That is not the point. The point is to keep raising the intolerance debate.

Interviewer: So…is the fest drawing a good response?

Rising Intolerance Volunteer: The reaction from Yogi Adityanath was not up to expectations especially since he gave a barely discernible but wry smile while saying “Desh ki aabaadi kam hogi”; however, the hellfire- and- brimstone protests in other UP cities/towns were very satisfactory.

Interviewer: And?

Rising Intolerance Volunteer: The only thorn in our bed of roses now is this stupid FIR filed in Delhi by this Ullhas chap. If someone goes to court and asks us to prove the rising intolerance, there may be a problem.

Interviewer: Surely there is a problem and that is why the festival is being celebrated?

Rising Intolerance Volunteer: No, no. Actually nothing much has changed on the ground.

Interviewer: But things are so bad for Kiran Rao that she has suggested moving out of India!

Rising Intolerance Volunteer: Ha…Kiran is furious with Aamir for routing his message through her. Good grief, she just said things that every mother might say and so many wives want to go abroad.

Interviewer: What about the growing sense of disquiet? They want to leave India even though they have lived all their lives here.

Rising Intolerance Volunteer: Naaah! It is only a change in perception that minorities and underprivileged are being targeted. And it needs to be kept that way. WE control the sense of disquiet. But nobody’s going anywhere.

Interviewer: Then……why bring up this intolerance aspect? Surely India has better things to do than debate intolerance.

Rising Intolerance Volunteer: NO!! Intolerance is here to stay. We have to bring the government’s attention to disparities and dark, divisive forces. All those schemes for development and progress can wait.

Interviewer: I see. Do you think the PM will open up on this in the winter session?

Rising Intolerance Volunteer: (grinds his teeth) The PM is the root cause of all our problems. Just because he comes from an underprivileged background and has worked his way up, all these underprivileged people think that they can reach for the stars. And then his government’s schemes are actually aimed to empower people without English medium/college education, without any powerful connections or wealth. In short, things are looking up for the most backward people.

Interviewer: But isn’t that great? Don’t you look forward to a better India?

Rising Intolerance Volunteer: Better India for whom?? What will I do if the underdog becomes the top dog??? HOW CAN I MAKE A LIVING AS AN ACTIVIST?

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UnReal Toon: When rising intolerance makes you wanna leave the country Thu, 26 Nov 2015 04:21:45 +0000 Sagar Kumar When does the situation become bad enough that you start considering the option of leaving the country? To each his own.

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Facebook Wall: Repercussions of Aamir Khan’s rising intolerance remark Thu, 26 Nov 2015 04:12:33 +0000 UnReal Mama Round 2 of the rising intolerance debate has been set in motion, thanks to Bollywood superstar Aamir Khan. Our Facebook correspondent Mark Zuckerpandian brings you some snapshots:

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UnReal Toon: Arvind Kejriwal explains why he reviews movies often Wed, 25 Nov 2015 05:16:04 +0000 Sagar Kumar After explaining how the much-discussed hug between RJD chief Lalu Prasad Yadav and him took place, Delhi CM Arvind Kejriwal also explained why he ends up reviewing a lot of movies. Our cartoonist presents his reason:

(Idea by Ashwin Kumar)

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EXCLUSIVE: Tolerant places Aamir Khan & family can relocate to Wed, 25 Nov 2015 04:49:41 +0000 Citizen Satirist Actor Aamir Khan joined the outcry against intolerance on Monday, saying that he was “alarmed” by a number of recent incidents, and that his wife Kiran Rao even suggested they should probably leave the country. Fortunately, our universe is such a wonderful place with so many exciting and ‘tolerant‘ destinations where Aamir, Kiran and others those who are contemplating relocation to live without fear and despondency. Below are some choices along with words of caution especially for top actors, celebrities and others who might be thinking about leaving India.

A. China: Could be a wonderful place for relocation, since Chinese love 3 Idiots. However, one might have to tone down expectations of religious freedom and free speech, i.e. allow for some ‘minor’ adjustments. For example, speaking against atrocities on Uighurs could be harmful and resulting intolerance by the CPC could result in renewed relocation efforts.

B. West Asia (Yemen, UAE, Saudi Arabia): As long as one doesn’t make movies such as PK, doesn’t blaspheme, and abide by Sharia, these regions should be perfectly marvelous options for relocation. Avoid Syria, as ISIL doesn’t think highly of Indian origin fighters and might use them as cannon fodder in suicide attacks. This is not withstanding Aamir’s role as a freedom fighter in Mangal Pandey. The freedom fighters they are looking for are of a different ‘mind’set.

C. North America: USA is a perfectly wonderful place for relocation. Just don’t go to places like Alabama where cops could be a tad rough when handcuffing desis and flinging them down the curbside. Don’t try any Mumbayya, despite being from Bollywood. Oh, better yet ask compadre SRK for tips to handle strip down searches at airports. If you hire a nanny, take advice from Khobragade regarding what not to do. Irving, TX may not be such a cool choice, especially if your child is interested in science projects that involve clocks. When applying for visa, don’t claim to be a refugee or victim of persecution in India. Most states in the US plan on not taking refugees. Also avoid watching or going on Bill Maher, Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity talk shows. You might end up instantly and voluntarily deporting yourself back to India for the tolerance they show. They are not NDTV anchors who usually kiss your feet. Imagine Arnab Goswami on steroids.

D. Europe: 1) UK and 2) France 3) Russia: If you don’t like Sharia avoid Anjem Choudary’s hometown in UK or certain suburbs of Paris. In the UK you may have to wait for Labor party to come back to power and then socializing with Hurriyat, Khalistanis and Jihadis won’t be a taboo. Don’t mess with Putin about Chechnya or other interesting topics. He is one mean dude. He said he can make fast track travel arrangements to God for those who can’t wait for the final judgement in the normal course of life!

E. Immediate neighborhood 1) Pakistan 2) Bangladesh 3) Burma: All great options, although blogging, children’s safety and making movies that might be perceived as blasphemous could pose a few minor problems. In Pakistan if you make some anti-India noises, authorities can place you in the same locality as Dawood. If you are used to free movement, that could pose a few problems.

F. Mars: Be sure to watch the movie, The Martian, before embarking on this journey. Stock up on supplies. Not sure you would like the cultivation techniques used by Matt Damon’s character in the movie. Be careful to not run around naked on Mars like you did in PK.

(Reported by Citizen Satirist, Vetakaram Vyangyamitra. He tweets here)

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PM Modi’s security beefed up after Lalu threatens to hug him as well Tue, 24 Nov 2015 17:38:21 +0000 UnReal Mama Lalu has tasted blood and there in no looking back now. After doing Kejriwal and Rahul Gandhi, the RJD supremo now wants to hug PM Modi under full public glare. “A lot of AAP volunteers have been ajking me ‘What have you got against our Arvind? Why don’t you hug Modi and undermine his image instead?’” Lalu told The UnReal Times. “Well, Modi eej as dear to me as Kejri. Whether they do politics of corruption or communalism, I love them equally, baby. So I promise I weel hug Modi also heartily when I run into him.”

The RDJ supremo’s threat/desire has triggered panic in the BJP camp with Home Minister Rajnath Singh beefing up the PM’s security. “We are not taking any chances after what Lalu did to poor Kejriwal. We have added an extra layer of security around Modi,” Rajnath said. But what if Lalu yet manages to break through and corners Modi for the mother of all hugs?

Not wanting to take any chances, PM Modi has requested the services of Sharad Pawar as the ultimate shield. Now, not even Lalu is in the same league as the great Pawar and a hug from the Maratha strongman would, believe it or not, tar even Lalu’s image, a bit like a Cobra running into a King Cobra and getting gobbled up. So seeing Pawar will definitely scare Lalu away, is the reasoning of the Modi camp.

In related news, AAP’s Manish Sisodia said Lalu’s hug might have been part of a deeper conspiracy to malign Arvind. “There was something fishy in the manner in which Lalu cornered Arvind and forcibly held his hands. It looks like Ambani is now getting desperate and resorting to such out of the box tactics to tar Arvind’s spotless image,” Sisodia reasoned.

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Kalmadi, A Raja and others slam Lalu Yadav for embracing Kejriwal Tue, 24 Nov 2015 07:48:57 +0000 Anand Walunjkar

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Even as politicians, citizens and some journalists lambast Arvind Kejriwal for hugging Lalu Prasad Yadav, a section of politicians led by Suresh Kalmadi and A Raja have come down strongly on Lalu Prasad Yadav for hugging Arvind Kejriwal.

Congress leader and CWG superstar Suresh Kalmadi blamed Lalu for reneging on the collective goodwill of corrupt leaders by embracing the ‘honest’ Kejriwal. “His hug with Kejriwal proves his connivance with anti-corruption forces. Hum netao ka naam poora mitti me milai diya [He has ground our names to the dust]!” he said.

Lalu’s supporters too have criticized him, albeit for a different reason. “So what if Lalu is corrupt, at least he’s honest in his corruption! Why did he have to ruin his image by hugging that cunning U-turning chameleon?” said Budbak Yadav.

Forced on the defensive, the RJD supremo has claimed that he was forced into the hug. “It was Arvind Kejriwal who shook my hand, pulled and hugged me. I was trying to get out of it but he wouldn’t let go. We are against his stand of anti-corruption and we will always oppose it,” Lalu said.

However, there aren’t too many takers for this defense. “On the video, the hug looks completely consensual. How can a tiny chap like Arvind pull a much bulkier Lalu into a hug and hold him against his will?” said a commentator. Another said, “How is it possible that Arvind hugs Lalu forcefully in the presence of Rabri Devi without getting a slap from her? Impossible to digest!”

“Lalu’s lame excuse of a forceful hug by Kejriwal is an insult. Does he think we are fools?” demanded A Raja. “Even if he makes all his children ministers and loots crores of taxpayer’s money, this taint of hugging Kejriwal will not go.”

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Lalu Prasad Yadav is now ‘Hugger the Horrible’ Tue, 24 Nov 2015 03:57:26 +0000 Vinita Krishnamurthy Irate Aam Aadmi Party activists today conferred the title of “Hugger the horrible” on Lalu Prasad Yadav after the Delhi CM Arvind Kejriwal told reporters that he had been “pulled into a hug” by the former Bihar CM.

Supporters of the Aam Aadmi Party also approached Delhi Lieutenant Governor Najeeb Jung to form a National Commission for Men (NCM) on the lines of the National Commission for Women (NCW).

“Our leader is true to his principles and will never partner corruption. Arvind’s support for Nitish Kumar has been misconstrued as support for Lalu Prasad because of that wretched hug …gathbandhan ka matlab yeh nahin ki gut se bandhan kar le. Hamari izzat mitti mein mil gayi hain (a ‘gathbandhan’ does not mean you bind your guts together. Our honour has crumbled to the ground),” seethed Manish Sisodia, Deputy CM.

Mr. Jung is reported to have forwarded the application to the Central Government for approval from the MHA. When contacted, Chairman of the NCW Lalitha Kumaramangalam said, “I fully agree that there should be a separate commission to look into atrocities against men. Just as we were disgusted at the Rakhi Sawant – Mika forcible kissing episode, we are appalled at Lalu Prasad Yadav’s guts to enforce a bandhan. I recommend the NCM be instituted immediately and suo motu action be taken against the alleged offender.”

BJP spokesperson Sambit Patra who had raged at the friendly hug calmed down to say that “Coalition in democracy is one thing but coercion is completely unacceptable”.

Supporters of a visibly embarrassed Arvind Kejriwal, however, maintain that it was “political courtesy” that required him to go ahead with the gesture. Replying to allegations of having insulted the principles on which AAP was founded, he said, ”Even Yogendra Yadavji will agree that in certain alliances, there are necessary compulsions. Being political and physical is sometimes required to be on the same page.”

“Nonsense!” bellowed a livid Shanti Bhushan. “Only maps can be political and physical and even they are not on the same page. This is not political courtesy, this is political controversy.”

Meanwhile, in Bihar, Lalu Prasad was reportedly puzzled about both the allegations and his latest title.

Ee sab kaa hai, bhaiyya?” he asked. “Hamra naam toh abhi- abhi “chaara chor” se “King maker” main badal gaya tha. Ab ee naya naam ka matlab kaa hai? Maana ki chaare ghotaale mein humne paise khaye —gau-maas to nahin khaya, na??!! Phir yeh aam aadmi mujhe do-singho wali helmet kyon de rahen hain?”

(What is all this? My name has just been changed from ‘Fodder thief’ to “King maker’. Now what is the meaning of this new name? I agree I may have swallowed money in the Fodder scam but I didn’t eat cow-meat, no??!! Then why are these aam aadmi giving me a helmet with two horns?)

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UnReal Toon: PM Narendra Modi explains govt stand on India-Pak cricket diplomacy Tue, 24 Nov 2015 03:32:38 +0000 Sagar Kumar PM Narendra Modi clarified what many had thought was an aggressive stand as far as playing cricket with Pakistan was concerned. Our cartoonist presents it to you:

(Idea by Ashwin Kumar)

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Tainted by Lalu hug, Arvind Kejriwal to hug himself for re-purification Mon, 23 Nov 2015 18:29:41 +0000 UnReal Mama

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Under fire from political opponents, former AAP leaders and a handful of AAPtards for hugging corrupt RJD leader Lalu Prasad Yadav on stage at Nitish Kumar’s oath taking ceremony, Arvind Kejriwal has decided to re-purify himself by hugging his own person.

Kejriwal himself made the announcement on Twitter. “Doston, after consulting party workers and the people of Delhi, I have decided to recharge my purity level. Since I am my own soap, I will do so by hugging myself in public view,” he tweeted.

AAP supporters or AAPtards as they are referred to on Twitter, have wholeheartedly welcomed Arvind’s initiative.

“First of all, I don’t believe that any of Lalu’s taint stuck to Arvind just because they hugged on stage. Does the Ganga become any less pure after washing the sins of millions of humans? If anything, a bit of Lalu’s taint was removed because he had the good fortune to hug Arvind. That said, the fact that Arvind is still trying to address this misconception and make amends shows his greatness,” said an AAPtard.

“At least Arvind is doing something. Did Modi do anything to purify himself after he went and hugged that corrupt fellow, Mukesh Ambani?” said another AAPtard.

According to sources, Kejriwal wasn’t Kejriwal’s first choice for the purification exercise. “Arvind was all set to travel to Ralegon Siddhi to publicly hug Anna Hazare and recharge his purity. But Anna would have none of it, which left Arvind with no other option but to hug himself,” said an AAP leader under condition of anonymity.

In other news, BJP President Amit Shah has arranged for NCP supremo Sharad Pawar to share stage with Arvind Kejriwal in a public event in the capital next week.

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