The UnReal Times India's favorite satire, spoof, parody and humour portal - Politics, Cricket, Business, Governance, Technology, Foreign Affairs and more Wed, 22 Oct 2014 15:09:06 +0000 en-US hourly 1 COMIC: Rajdeep Sardesai trolls John Abraham Wed, 22 Oct 2014 15:03:57 +0000 Ajayendar Reddy Earlier this week, Rajdeep Sardesai bumped into John Abraham when he was strolling down the Juhu beach in Mumbai. This is what happened:

Translation for Rajdeep’s line in 2nd row 2nd column: “John, you have an ass, but no class”

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COMIC: Indian TV news channels wish viewers Happy Diwali Wed, 22 Oct 2014 04:22:11 +0000 Ashwin Kumar A very Happy Diwali to all you folks from the team behind The UnReal Times! Now that you have received the wishes of the big guns, lets move to some other marginal chaps out there on news channels and find out how they wished their respective viewers:







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Stephen Hawking takes on the biggest challenge of his illustrious career: Is there a Modi wave? Wed, 22 Oct 2014 02:02:55 +0000 Venkat Shankar

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Stephen Hawking, the former Lucasian Professor of Mathematics at the University of Cambridge, world-renowned theoretical physicist and author of A Brief History of Time, has taken on the defining challenge of his career. Mr. Hawking today announced that he has commenced work on developing a mathematical model that will answer the key question of our times: “Is there a Modi wave?”

Mr. Hawking said, “Since my childhood days, my curiosity about the world led to various discoveries and theories on Black Holes, the Big Bang and other random stuff. However, as I look back critically on my achievements, I am acutely conscious of the fact that I have kept myself away from the really important questions on how the universe works and I now intend to remedy this. The first step in this journey is to develop a mathematical model to settle, once and for all, one of the most vexatious questions of our times – ‘Is there a Modi Wave?’”

Sources close to the brilliant scientist revealed that Mr. Hawking’s curiosity was piqued when he recently googled for the most frequent news headlines and came upon ‘The Modi Wave’, closely followed by ‘Big Blow To Modi’. “It is a fascinating matter that 1.2 billion people cannot agree on whether a wave exists or not. And it looks like it will keep cropping up every time there is any election in India. It is the duty of science to unravel these mysteries. It would a worthwhile pursuit to develop a mathematical model that would indicate the presence or absence of this wave,” Mr. Hawking observed.

Our sources revealed that upon feeding 1,673 parameters of any election, the model intends to accurately predict whether there was a Modi Wave, and if so, the intensity, to be quantified on a scale of ripple at one end to tsunami at the other. The proposed nomenclature for the complete absence of the phenomenon will be ‘The Rahul Effect’.

Unnamed sources in Mr. Hawking’s research lab say that Mr. Hawking confidently expects this piece of seminal work to land him the Nobel Prize, an achievement that has eluded him until now. The sources added that post developing the MWM (Modi Wave Model), Mr. Hawking has already shortlisted the next few existential questions that he will be developing models around, starting with “Did Modi really receive a blow?”, “How do you identify an Ambani agent?” and “How does the Duckworth-Lewis model really work?”

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COMIC: Harayana CM-elect Manohar Lal Khattar gets a taste of Indian mainstream media Tue, 21 Oct 2014 10:16:42 +0000 Ajayendar Reddy Manohar Lal Khattar’s political career took a giant leap forward after the BJP leadership declared him as the party’s choice for Haryana’s Chief Minister. A jubilant Khattar turned on his TV to check out what the media was saying about him…




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Shobha De fined for making a mess on a clean road while posing for #CleanIndia initiative Tue, 21 Oct 2014 09:06:30 +0000 Ajayendar Reddy The Municipal Corporation of Greater Mumbai, also known as the Brihanmumbai Municipal Corporation (BMC), has fined author and socialite Shobha De for making a mess on a clean road while posing for #CleanIndia initiative. BMC is responsible for the civic infrastructure and administration of the city and some suburbs of Mumbai.

Earlier this week, social media was flooded with pictures of Shobha De posing with brooms along with some others in front of the building that houses the Cancer Patients Aid Association. While many of her online followers were pleased with this gesture, The Unreal Times has learnt that not every one was moved, with one particular municipal sweeper expressing his disgust.

Later, an upset looking Mumbai Mayor Snehal Ambekar said, “You know how badly the sweeper shouted at me! Remember that scene in Munnabhai where the sweeper in the hospital shouted at Sanju Baba? It was 100 times worse. And he is an old man, so I couldn’t even say anything back to him.”

The Mayor then invoked her powers and fined Shobha De 5000 rupees for messing up a clean road. “These so called celebrity women think they can pose for pictures, ruin the cleanliness and get away with anything. Not any more,” she seethed.

Shobha De immediately hit back saying that “some women” are jealous of her because she is “sexy and happening”. Sagarika Ghose immediately tweeted expressing her support, that Shobha De, just like her, is an “independent”, “successful”, “good looking” woman who all women are jealous of. Raghuram Rajan’s wife Radhika Puri, meanwhile, took to Facebook and applauded Mayor’s decision to fine Shobha De.

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Modi wave or tsunami? Rahul Gandhi to do a holistic aerial survey of Congress party to assess damage Tue, 21 Oct 2014 01:38:19 +0000 Ramesh Soundararajan

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Facing the heat after yet another series of electoral routs and keen to be seen to be doing something, Congress Vice President Rahul Gandhi has offered to undertake an aerial survey of the state of the Congress party across the country to assess the extent of damage.

One of the old time Congressmen had initially recommended a padyatra from Kashmir to Kanyakumari to get a feel of the issues. However, Rahul Gandhi declined, saying he is very fit and works out daily. Then he agreed to do what political leaders do when a disaster strikes: go on an aerial survey. This is also seen as being a quick and effective way of identifying how far the party is marooned in mainland India.

Over the past year, the Congress’ footprint has shrunk considerably. The party is strong in the Southwest (Karnataka, Kerala) and in the hills (Assam, Himachal Pradesh). In the considerable land mass in between, it has lost clout, relinquishing power in crucial states like Andhra, Maharashtra, Haryana, Rajasthan and Delhi.

The Congress Party, despite deep introspection for over six months, has been unable to identify a root cause since all of the following apply:

  • When it is a direct fight with BJP, the party comes second.
  • It always gets beaten by its own breakaways, like Trinamool Congress and YSR Congress. Even Rangasami Congress beats the real thing in Pondicherry.
  • It was dominating AP. Now after splitting the state, it is number three in both AP and Telangana
  • When pitted against the BJP and a strong regional party, such as in Haryana, it ends up third.
  • In a state like Tamil Nadu, the party ends up last among all contenders. If there are parties in the fray, Congress will be fourth; But if there are seven, Congress will be seventh.

On the one hand, people said that this is because of anti-incumbency. But BJP Governments had been re-elected last year. After running through the numbers using the latest analytics packages, the whizkids had given up as there were no simple reasons.

Rahul will take off from Bangalore airport and fly across to Guwahati airport, surveying the state of the Congress party on the way below. After covering East India, he will fly across to Shimla airport, overflying Arunachal Pradesh. His final leg will take him from Himachal Pradesh all the way to Cochin.

Party leaders have lauded the Nehru-Gandhi scion for seizing the initiative. A spokesman said, “We have already grown 30% in Maharashtra. By such bold steps, we might regain power next year. Rahul can clearly make out the Modi wave or tsunami from the sky and formulate suitable strategies.” A party loyalist disagreed, however, saying that there needs to be greater sharing of workload. While Rahul can do one of the stretches, Priyanka should do the alternative one, he opined.

Cadre are quite happy, as they think some food packets will be thrown from the air. They also expect some relief to be announced after this, such as monetary compensation for every constituency, assembly seat lost.

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In Pictures: When Indian celebs took up #HellYeah challenge to troll one another Mon, 20 Oct 2014 14:54:35 +0000 Ajayendar Reddy Last night, the newest Congress spokesperson on the block on English channel debates, Americai Narayanan, took the social media by storm with his sensational comments on election programme with Arnab. When Arnab asked the blissfully named Americai if Congress was corrupt, he emphatically answered “HELL YEAH!” and instantly became a raging hit on social media. Today, Indian celebs from politics, media and cricket took up the #HellYeah challenge to troll one another. Here is how it went:




















(With inputs from Unreal Mama)

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Congress plans to de-list from Parliament, State Assemblies following electoral reverses Mon, 20 Oct 2014 01:38:34 +0000 Citizen Satirist

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Following the string of drubbings at the electoral hustings – Rajasthan, Delhi, Madhya Pradesh, Chhattisgarh, the Lok Sabha elections and now, Haryana and Maharashtra – the Congress is seriously considering de-listing from Parliament and State Assemblies in a phased manner. Sources close to Congress high command have confirmed this development. A final decision on this is expected to be taken in the next Congress Non-Working Committee (CNWC) meeting, which is likely to take place after the Nehru-Gandhi scion returns from his Spain trip.

Speaking to our correspondent, a Congress spokesperson who did not want to be named said: “Congress is in serious introspection mode. All state and central leaders are of the opinion that Congress should completely de-list from all State Assemblies, Rajya Sabha and Lok Sabha by 2019. We don’t want Modi and Shah to get credit for idea of Congress Mukt Bharat. We want to be proactive and complete this process on our own. However, there is debate on who should take ownership of this. Many seniors are of the opinion that state leadership should work towards this but some are of the opinion that Shri Rahul Gandhi should help the state teams. They want him to campaign aggressively in the upcoming elections which will ensure that Congress accomplishes its goal, which is to de-list by 2019.”

The grand old party is now considering doing this in a phased, systematic manner. They plan to de-list from Jammu & Kashmir and Jharkhand as early as Jan next year, followed by Assam and Kerala in May 2016, and finally in Karnataka and North East by 2019. Congress veterans like Digvijaya Singh, Sanjay Jha, Mani Shankar Aiyar are expected to play key roles in achieving this. New Congress spokesperson, Americai Narayanan, will provide additional firepower to expedite the dismantling process.

Baldman Shakes, a high-end consulting firm which helps its customers go completely bald has been entrusted the job of ensuring the de-listing process. Baldman has been asked to prepare an initial report which will be discussed in the next CNWC meeting. An e-mail to Baldman enquiring about this development remained unanswered.

Reacting to this news, Dr Subramanian Swamy said: “I am glad Congress has finally decided to de-list from Parliament. This is a welcome move. I would have anyway approached Supreme Court had this not happened.”

(Reported by Guro)

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Facebook Wall: Politicians, pundits deconstruct Maharashtra, Haryana elections verdict Sun, 19 Oct 2014 09:04:32 +0000 UnReal Mama While Haryana has selected a clear winner, Maharashtra has thrown up a scenario in which, to paraphrase the legendary Ravi Shastri, all 16 post poll alliances are possible at this stage of the game. Without much further ado, pundits, pollsters, apparatchiks, and probably some newstraders got down to the grim business of interpreting the election verdict. Our social media correspondent, Rajniti Sarkarwala, was on hand to bring you highlights of the confabulations:

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After West Indies, Indian team revolts, says will not play against Sri Lanka Sun, 19 Oct 2014 02:55:10 +0000 UnReal Mama

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The striking West Indian cricketers may soon be joined by their Indian counterparts. Sources in the Indian cricket team reveal that the boys are extremely upset with the BCCI for going ahead and arranging a five match ODI series with Sri Lanka in place of the abandoned India-West Indies series.

“Well of course to say the boys are pissed would be an understatement,” skipper Dhoni told this reporter, struggling to maintain his cool. “Do you realize how difficult it is to keep up energy and motivation levels when playing against the Lankans for the gazillionth time in five years?”

Another player, on condition of anonymity, said he couldn’t understand why the Indian team had to be punished for the unprofessionalism of the West Indian cricketers. “What was our fault? I understand the BCCI is upset with the West Indies cricket board but why take it out on us by inviting Sri Lanka?”

Things are so bad that even Raina says he would rather face Mitchell Johnson’s chin music Down Under than go through the tedium of negotiating yet another Kulasekara outswinger on flat pitches. “I know it’s another chance for me to help myself to the gravy train by piling up easy runs but there is such a thing called job satisfaction,” the frustrated southpaw revealed.

A worried BCCI says they will let the players have their girlfriends and significant others accompany them for the home series as compensation but in vain. Kohli’s response was an unprintable “b@$@#$ c@#$@#”. The Delhi lad is clear that no sop, including having Anushka around, can compensate for the pain of playing Lanka. Anushka too for that matter is not interested. “I would rather shoot for a Yash Chopra chick flick than sit and watch an India-Sri Lanka match, yaa,” the Uttarakhand lass told The UnReal Times.

In related news, West Indies skipper Bravo has sought the guidance of Arvind Kejriwal in fighting for the players rights in the ongoing dispute with the West Indies cricket board. Kejriwal has obliged by enlightening Bravo with the intricacies of how to effectively organise dharnas. Additionally, he has not only lent out his ‘muffler’ but also taught Bravo to tie it around his neck during the said dharna. Besides a special session has been planned to teach Bravo how to ‘cough’.

There were slight reservations on whether Bravo and his men should play the fourth ODI with a ‘jhadu’ (AAP Election symbol) instead of the cricket bat, but then it was decided that this strategy will be implemented in future matches as and when the dharna intensifies.

(With inputs from Mukesh Kwatra)

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