The UnReal Times India's favorite satire, spoof, parody and humour portal - Politics, Cricket, Business, Governance, Technology, Foreign Affairs and more Mon, 25 Jul 2016 17:22:16 +0000 en-US hourly 1 COMIC: Arvind Kejriwal trolls PM Narendra Modi Mon, 25 Jul 2016 17:18:55 +0000 UnReal Mama Delhi police is once again arresting AAP MLAs, giving Delhi CM yet another excuse (not that he needs one) to go after PM Modi. Here’s Kejriwal trolling PM Modi:






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(Based on an idea by Ashwin Kumar)

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Chargesheet filed against relatives of blackbuck for framing Salman Khan in a false case Mon, 25 Jul 2016 15:07:09 +0000 Flying Table-fan

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Police has submitted a chargesheet against the relatives of the deceased blackbuck under section 192 and 193 of Indian Penal Code for furnishing false evidences and misleading the state government that had apparently filed a fabricated case against actor and humanitarian Salman Khan. Rajasthan High Court has asked the accused to respond within 2 weeks and clarify their position on the charges leveled against them.

When the accused were produced before the Honorable court, they showed no remorse and refused to respond to the notice issued by the judge. As a result, the court has further imposed a fine of Rs. 10,000 on the relatives of the blackbuck for actions that constitute contempt of court.

“An innocent man has been repeatedly harassed by a few unscrupulous elements of the society time and again. First, he was wrongly indicted in a hit and run case when he was not even present at the scene and now a false case of poaching of blackbuck whereas it’s a clear case of suicide. This has to stop,” the court maintained in strong words.

Meanwhile, some shocking details are emerging about the blackbuck that killed itself. It has been learned that the blackbuck was part of a suicide bombing squad and was planning to carry out an assault when the incident happened on September 28, 1998. When the blackbuck and its gang were all set to bomb a busy market, it saw Mr. Khan approaching in a t-shirt that read ‘Being Human.’  In shame and guilt, the blackbuck committed suicide.

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URT’s Betaal Bhootwalla gatecrashes into an Indian Celebrity Ghost Convention: An exclusive report Mon, 25 Jul 2016 03:14:57 +0000 Suresh Subrahmanyan

Our correspondent Betaal Bhootwalla

The Annual Convention of India’s Celebrity Ghosts took place recently at the lavish Seventh Heaven Resort somewhere in the Milky Way. The fact that such an extraordinary gathering was taking place at all, became known to UnReal Times (URT), through an ouija board seance involving its late and much lamented correspondent, Betaal Bhootwalla. Moving swiftly, the management of URT struck a quick deal with Betaal. The price was relatively small – a simple dhansak meal from the famed Café Military in Mumbai to be placed next to URT’s ouija board every Sunday of the month at precisely 2 am. The plate was licked spotless when the cleaning maid arrived next morning.

The formalities thus concluded, Betaal sent us this fascinating report from the ether.

When I materialized through the imposingly crafted iron gates of the Seventh Heaven Resort, the place was awash with a sea of great Indians standing in groups enjoying their cocktail nectar, along with some toothsome starters. I spotted Rabindranath Tagore and buttonholed him straight away.

“Tell me Rabi da, it’s all very well you writing feelingly about the mind being without fear and knowledge being free. Have you any idea what it is like to get admission into a good school in India these days?”

“Arre Betaal moshai, don’t rub it in. I tried to push my great, great, great grandson into St. Xavier’s School in Kolkata last week. I planned a visitation to the Principal’s office to put my two pice bit in. But before I could say anything, he saw my apparition and collapsed in a heap, dead as a door nail. For all I know, he might be amongst those present at this party”.

I left the dead poet’s society and looked for another prey, and hey presto, who do I run into but Pandit Jawaharlal Nehru. I ingratiated myself and sidled up to India’s first PM by adjusting the rose on his patented jacket.

“Good evening, Panditji. You look spiffing in your Nehru jacket. But what is happening to the party you founded with such pride? I mean, Soniaji, Rahulji, Priyankaji – do you think they have the stomach for a real fight in the trenches? That too against the likes of Mulayam, Mayawati, Shah and Modi?”

“Don’t worry Betaal old top, we’ll come back strongly. I am sitting down after this party with Indira beti, Rajiv baba and Sanju baba, and drawing up a master plan for the coming UP elections. And if you’ll pardon my quoting myself, at the stroke of the midnight hour, UP will awake……”

I couldn’t take any more of that. Moving on, I spotted Bharat Ratna and Nobel Laureate for Physics Dr. C.V.Raman. Nursing a glass of masala buttermilk, he seemed lost in thought, muttering to himself, “virtual and vibrational energy states, infrared absorption leading to the Stokes and Anti Stokes Raman scattering….”

“Sorry to intrude on your flow, Raman Sir, but I couldn’t help noticing that there’s plenty of chatter in India about Ramanujan. Biopics are being made, and the media can’t seem to get enough of him. Why are you being ignored?”

“Siva, Siva, you are a real Narada. Aren’t you, my mischievous friend Betaal Bhootwalla? Trying to sow discord between us. I wish him well, and may he shine in Bollywood as well. You see, I have nothing against Ramanujan, other than the fact that he was obsessed with numbers and could dazzle everyone with his brilliant calculations. Like our recently joined colleague Shakuntala Devi. There is also this Iyengar Iyer thing, but your uncomplicated Parsi mind won’t comprehend. So saying, he trailed off, humming Tyagaraja’s immortal classic in Reetigowla, ‘Dvaitamu Sukhama, Advaitamu Sukhama’.

That went clean over my head. Luckily, I was saved from further excursions into Carnatic music, when I spied with my little eye, the great Lala Amarnath raising a toast with Vijay Merchant. And as Mansur Ali Khan Pataudi joined them, all the other celebrities surrounded them for selfies. As I had a deadline to meet, I thought I’ll save this for another day.

]]> 0 betaalbhootwalafeatured Our correspondent Betaal Bhootwalla
Conjuring-3 to be shot in Madhya Pradesh after state Home Minister’s “ghost” claims Sun, 24 Jul 2016 00:35:20 +0000 Ashwin Kumar Madhya Pradesh Home Minister Bhupendra Singh’s recent outrageous claim that farmers in the state committed suicide because they were possessed by ghosts and evil spirits might have drawn the ire of many across the country, but has also managed to draw attention from international quarters. Singh has received an email from Hollywood director James Wan, requesting permission to film the third installment of his spine-chilling “Conjuring” series in the state.

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In an exclusive interview to The UnReal Times, Wan said that this wasn’t the first time he had heard about Madhya Pradesh. “I’ve been following the news in MP right from the time these Vyapam scam deaths started happening. It was so fascinating, I’ve hardly ever seen something this mysterious happening in real life. But when this Bhupendra chap mentioned that farmers were dead because evil spirits had possessed them, that really hooked me on to it. I told Peter (Safran) that we’ve absolutely got to film Conjuring 3 there and after he read the news, there was no way he couldn’t agree,” a thrilled Wan exclaimed.

While rival parties have, in a rare moment of bonhomie, welcomed Wan and his team to the state with open arms, they also had a word of caution for him. Leading the charge in responding was former MP Chief Minister Digvijaya Singh. “It is heartening to know that the team behind the world’s best horror movie series finds the heartland of India very attractive and appealing. But at the same time, I’d like to warn them that the RSS, which is based here, is without doubt, a horror bigger than anything else they would have ever seen in their lives and scarier than anything they would’ve ever imagined. So I would like to advise them to be careful while dealing with the Sangh – so Wan and Safran, please beware of the saffron!” the Congress general secretary smiled.

Also cautioning the visitors in his own special way was Singh’s Congress colleague, Kapil Sibal. “You may be the master of Conjuring, but the RSS is the master of injuring :)” the former HRD minister tweeted, to be immediately retweeted by Baba Sehgal. The news has also excited rival politicians like AAP MP Bhagwant Mann. The controversial leader announced that he would soon be taking a trip to the state, to live stream all the unfolding events of so-called horror even before they can be shot by the Conjuring team.

Meanwhile, MP Chief Minister Shivraj Singh Chouhan hailed the development as a boon for the state. “I congratulate Sh. James Wan and Sh. Peter Safran on deciding to shoot Conjuring-3 in MP and promise to extend all support to them. Wishing them the very best,” the CM tweeted, before announcing that the team is also working along with the state government to constitute a new Ministry of Horror.

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In Pictures: Rahul Gandhi sleeping through various events in history Sat, 23 Jul 2016 18:41:18 +0000 Citizen Satirist A hard worker like Rahul baba will naturally get tired and fall asleep in various places, as he demonstrated earlier this week. About time, someone did the sleeping Rahul Gandhi meme, even if it makes no sense at all.

Rahul Gandhi sleeping as Jack and Rose rush to save themselves on the sinking Titanic


Rahul Gandhi sleeping through an exchange of gunfire


Rahul Gandhi sleeping as a volcano erupts


Rahul Gandhi sleeping in a family photograph


Nehru pointing out a sleeping Rahul Gandhi to Edwina


Nehru, Indira Gandhi and a sleeping Rahul Gandhi


“Kya karun is ladke ka,” says Nehru to Gandhi as Rahul Gandhi sleeps in the corner


Rahul Gandhi sleeping, oblivious to Nehru’s attempts to tap him awake


Nehru, after giving up, stares at a sleeping Rahul Gandhi, while Gandhi says that nothing can be done


First man on moon finds Rahul Gandhi sleeping there


Man looking for monsters on Pokemon Go finds Rahul Gandhi sleeping instead


Rahul Gandhi sleeping during river rafting


Rahul Gandhi sleeping in space


Rahul Gandhi sleeping as he drifts farther away from earth into outer space


Rahul Gandhi sleeping while another student from the University of Madras ties his ponytail to the wall to keep himself awake


Rahul Gandhi sleeping during the Vietnam war


Rahul Gandhi sleeping as a bomb goes off in the distance during World War 2

Rahul Gandhi sleeping during the last supper

(Submitted by Citizen Satirist Dhimant Vyas. He tweets here and Facebooks here)

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Terrorists slip into depression after world leaders strongly condemn Munich attack Sat, 23 Jul 2016 04:29:28 +0000 Flying Table-fan Terrorists across the globe have slipped into depression after they came under heavy criticism, the most powerful weapon against terrorism, from various world leaders. Reports suggest that three terrorists in the United States have sought counseling from a leading psychiatrist to deal with the mental trauma after President Barack Obama released a statement condemning Munich attack.

Similar reports are coming in from other countries as well where terrorists have either surrendered or committed suicide following widespread condemnation of the attack.

“Check this out,” said one of the terrorists in a video posted on YouTube as he read out the message of President Obama, “US condemns in the strongest terms the apparent terrorist attack that has claimed innocent lives in Munich, Germany,” he paused as he struggled to hold back his tears and said, “It’s like a father scolding his son for not scoring enough marks in the exam.” 

Netizens too have offered thoughts and prayers on social media, although the primary reason why everyone followed the news was to find out whether the assailants were local Germans or a group of individuals who have no religious affiliation. People frantically searched various sources throughout the night but the evidences remain inconclusive as we write the report.

However, the origin of the perpetrators will not have any bearing on the statements issued by the world leaders as these can be used after any terror attack and usually do not require significant editing.

The situation is pretty grim for terrorists in India as well. They are waiting in apprehension and fear as Prime Minister Narendra Modi has reportedly finished composing his condemnation message and will deliver it anytime now.

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Kabali brand set to launch a thousand products in India and abroad Fri, 22 Jul 2016 09:49:18 +0000 Suresh Subrahmanyan

One of the products piloted in the market

The UnReal Times (URT) has come into possession of a confidential document, claimed to be genuine, that strongly suggests that the marketing blitzkrieg we have been witnessing with regard to Superstar Rajnikanth’s blockbuster release Kabali, may just be the tip of the iceberg. If the hush hush document is to be believed, India and many parts of the world will soon be inundated with brand Kabali merchandise of every imaginable description.

To start with, the legendary Spencer Mall on Anna Salai (erstwhile Mount Road) in Chennai has been leased out for 99 years to Kabali Incorporated, owned and managed by Superstar Rajnikanth and his family. The mall will immediately be renamed Kabali Mall. Kabali Inc’s advertising agency is burning the midnight oil to unleash an advertising and PR campaign across the length and breadth of Chennai, as well as select cities in India, along with Kuala Lumpur, Penang, Singapore, Hong Kong and New Jersey. A whopping budget of Rs.75 crores has been earmarked for this exercise. Talks are also on with Prestige’s Forum Mall in Bangalore for a similar arrangement.

Test marketing for a slew of products that includes soap, talcum powder, men’s personal care products and casual wear, started 6 months ago, and the roll out will commence very shortly. All the products will bear the Kabali brand name. Needless to say, Superstar Thalaivaa will be the ubiquitous brand ambassador, and the unmistakable white bearded visage will be emblazoned on every single item. The breathless spokesperson from Kabali’s ad agency, when approached by URT, hyperventilated thus – “Man, this is crazy. It’s bigger than Coke and Pepsi put together. Who would have ever thought of leveraging the brand equity of a film, and carrying it through to a complete marketing and distribution bombardment? Rajni Sir is the ultimate genius. Tim Cook, Bill Gates, Vishal Sikka, Azim Premji and Amit Shah have all sought appointments with Thalaivaa to examine tie up possibilities with their respective organizations. So far he has not granted a single appointment. Cool, huh?” The ad agency further volunteered the information that ‘Neruppu da’ will be the signature line for all Kabali advertising. Copyright and trademark registration clearances are expected very shortly for ‘Neruppu da’.

The Kabali phenomenon has also made its presence felt in the run up to the US elections. Rajnikanth has been camping in the US for the past few days to oversee the film’s release, particularly in the Indian dominated cities of that great country. Deviating from his customary harangue against Democratic nominee Hilary Clinton, Republican strong man Donald Trump had this to say about our Superstar. “My fellow Republicans, we’ve seen Injuns in America before. Red Injuns and cowboys going at each other, Lone Ranger and Tonto and all that John Wayne stuff. But this Kabali Injun is something else. His real name is Rajni Can’t, and my office informs me he can swing the entire Indian expat vote in our favour, if we can get him to do a commercial for us. So we’ve come up with a Rajni Can campaign, and I can’t wait to see the rushes.”

Our Thalaivaa was not immediately available for comment on Donald Trump’s announcement, but his office issued this statement – “Mr. Donald Trump has supposedly made some observations on Superstar Rajnikanth’s possible involvement with the Republican election campaign. This is pure speculation at this juncture. Mr. Rajnikanth is currently tied up with the launch of a brand new range of Kabali chewing and bubble gum (in 9 flavours). The unique selling proposition of this product is that when you blow a bubble from the gum, an image of Kabali’s face will magically form on the surface, and as the bubble bursts, an audio of ‘Neruppu da’ will be heard in Thalaivaa’s unmistakable voice. Trial runs are over and the product, which has been franchised to the J.C. Penney chain, is set to take the US by storm.”

When last heard, Indian news channels were falling over each other to get first mover status on the Kabali product extension story. Arnab Goswami, Barkha Dutt, Rajdeep Sardesai and Zakka Jacob embarrassingly found themselves seated behind each other on an Air India Kabali 747 from New Delhi to New York. All we at URT can say is, “Watch this space!”

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Rahul Gandhi breaks silence on parliament snooze, says spent all night searching for Kabali tickets Fri, 22 Jul 2016 02:30:51 +0000 Ashwin Kumar Congress Vice-President Rahul Gandhi, who gave a hard day’s work for party spokespersons by casually sleeping in parliament during a debate on atrocities against Dalits, has finally broken his silence on the controversy. The Nehru-Gandhi scion admitted that he was up throughout the previous night looking everywhere for First Day First Show tickets of Superstar Rajinikanth starrer Kabali, thereby being unable to sleep even a wink in the process.

Addressing the Lok Sabha, the 46-year old youth icon of the Congress rolled his sleeves up and said, “Bhaiya, this morning, I really woke up at night. No, make that last evening. Since last evening, I’ve tried to do everything possible, including using the game-changer that is the RTI, empowering women and opening the system to the youth, in order to get first day first show tickets of Rajini sir’s Kabali, but in vain. By the time I gave up, it was already time to come to parliament and I ended up snoozing here. That’s all, madam speaker.”

Rahul’s statement drew a thunderous applause from not only his fellow Congress MPs, but also from other members of the house belonging to rival parties. Responding to Rahul’s confession, PM Modi said that he and his party accepted the excuse. “Mitron, my party and I were honestly preparing to go hammer and tongs after Shehza… I mean.. Rahul as far as this matter is concerned. But after listening to his reason, he is absolutely justified. In fact, I myself was up all night contemplating whether or not I should board the special Air Asia flight to Malaysia and watch the special show over there, in the guise of another trip to improve bilateral relations. Ultimately, I realized that I am no Delhi CM, so I decided to catch a brief nap and then come here to parliament. So I can understand Rahul’s state of mind and I feel his emotions. With this, we’re letting the matter sleep.. I mean.. putting it to rest,” the PM stated.

Already on the back foot in the UP elections after sacked chief Dayashankar Singh’s derogatory comment on BSP chief Mayawati, the BJP is now reeling under what could spell a disaster. If rumors are anything to go by, Congress strategist Prashant Kishor has discussed with Rahul and CM candidate Sheila Dixit, the idea of releasing Kabali throughout UP and especially in Amethi. “That could decimate Smriti Irani in one stroke,” Kishor is supposed to have said.

Meanwhile, Congress leaders, unaware of Rahul’s statement, continued to defend their blue-eyed boy with various justifications. While Karnataka CM Siddaramaiah claimed that it was Rahul’s way of paying respect to him for the good work he has done in Karnataka, JD(S) leader HD Kumaraswamy thanked Rahul for paying tributes to his father, former PM HD Deve Gowda. Congress General Secretary Digvijaya Singh presented a unique defense of Rahul, stating that with reports of him getting married soon, he was bound to spend all night on long phone calls with his fiancee. “Trust me, I’ve been through it not so long ago, so I know” Singh smiled.

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PM Modi assures he’ll come up with positive expansion for “MAYAWATI” after Dayashankar Singh’s remarks Thu, 21 Jul 2016 03:41:50 +0000 Ashwin Kumar Personally stepping in to execute damage control measures after the now sacked UP BJP chief Dayashankar Singh’s derogatory remarks on BSP chief Mayawati, PM Narendra Modi has assured the former UP CM as well as the people of the country that he himself will put in maximum efforts to soon come up with an all-positive expansion of her name.

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“I usually dish out acronyms and expansions at the snap of a finger, but for this one, I’d like to take my time and come up with what should be called as my best expansion till date. But it won’t be too long either. I’ll definitely unveil the expansion in this month’s Mann Ki Baat. This gesture of mine should convey to Behenji, how sorry my party and I feel for the crass remarks made against her. If this doesn’t pacify her, nothing else will,” PM Modi told The UnReal Times. “But first things first, mitron! DAYASHANKAR stands for Dumb, Asinine, Yucky, Abysmal, Stupid, Horrendous, Atrocious, Nonsensical, Khatarnaak, Appalling Rascal,” leading to rousing applause and hysteria from all quarters.

Sources added that the PM has also sent BJP spokesperson Sambit Patra to the BSP supremo to do his hilarious imitation of Navjot Sidhu and make her laugh herself out. “That ought to cheer her up in no time. Dude, come on! It worked instantly on the nation’s angriest man, so it is bound to work on anyone! To quote Yashwant Sinha, any ch***ya will laugh on seeing that video!” a PMO official added. Senior party leaders, however, maintain that the party had already taken the strongest action possible and that the PM’s intervention wasn’t really required. “Dude, the BJP state president of UP resigned even without me having to demand it! What more do people want?” thundered a livid Union Law Minister Ravi Shankar Prasad.

Rival parties Congress and the Aam Aadmi Party, who spare no opportunity to tear into the PM, admitted to feeling compelled to take the PM’s side this time. “Modi is a psychopath and coward. But in this case, I am with him. This is the greatest and the sweetest thing he can do for anyone, let alone Behenji. I hope he comes up with the most kickass expansion ever. Good luck, Modiji!” Delhi CM Arvind Kejriwal said, in a rare moment of bonhomie, before proceeding to frantically call up theatres screening Kabali in New Delhi. “With the elections around the corner, he had no other choice, so he had to step in. But personally coming up with an expansion for her? Wow wow wow! Is a party alliance on the cards or what?” tweeted UP Congress in-charge Raj Babbar, before gorging on a 12 Rs. lunch.

Taking note of the PM’s gesture, the ruling Samajwadi Party has extended an olive branch to the BJP. Senior SP leader Azam Khan stated that the party wouldn’t think twice before allying with them, should PM Modi coin acronym expansions for each of his buffaloes.

As for the sacked party chief, BJP president Amit Shah maintained that all doors to the BJP would remain closed for him. Dayashankar, however, remains defiant. ”My inner voice is constantly telling me, ‘Daya, darwaza tod do!’,” ( Daya, break the door open) the sacked chief said.

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Facebook Wall: Reactions to Rahul Gandhi sleeping in Lok Sabha during debate Wed, 20 Jul 2016 17:18:10 +0000 UnReal Mama Rahul Gandhi was in the news again, for all the wrong reasons as you might expect. The Nehru-Gandhi scion was snapped napping during a debate in the Lok Sabha on the attacks on Dalits in Gujarat. Predictably there was an almighty fuss over the issue, which immediately prompted the ultra loyal Congress leaders to spring to the yuvraj’s defense. Our correspondent Mark Zuckerpandian captured various reactions on Facebook and compiled it in a neat little image for you folks:

Translations for the first set:
Arey bhaiya Kejriwal ne muffler pehen ke kaha.. = Hey Brother, Kejriwal put on his muffler and said..
Unhone kahaa… bacchon ki kasam =  He said… I swear on my kids…
[Reference: This Newshour clip

(With inputs from Ashwin Kumar)

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