This time around, in order to streamline the celebrations and strike the right balance between admiration and ostentatious sycophancy, Sanjay Jha, the chief Congress spin-doctor and PR manager has issued a list of ‘dos’ and ‘donts’  to party workers in marking the occasion:

Dear fellow Congis,

Yes, it’s that day of the year, when we get to celebrate all that is great about our party. Its our beloved youth icon’s 43rd birthday. This time around please adhere to the following guidelines to celebrate Rahul Jayanti more professionally:

For party workers

• Don’t congregate around 10, Janpath waiting for a darshan of Rahul baba. The fact of the matter is Rahul is not in the country and is cooling his heels somewhere in the Middle East or Europe. He is expected back in India only by end of the month to attend the opening day of the monsoon session.

• Rather, all party workers are encouraged to organize cake cutting ceremonies in front of Rahul posters, which have been printed specially for the occasion. These showcase the Nehru-Gandhi scion in various attires and get-ups – sporting a tilak, donning a skull-cap, even wearing an orange coloured turban so that like minded and secular workers from other parties, especially the JD-U, can partake in the celebrations.

• Party workers are discouraged from feeding Rahul baba’s poster with expensive cake. As we all know, Rahul, in the highest traditions of Gandhian simplicity, prefers dal-chaawal and workers are encouraged to feed only such simple dishes to his poster.

• In case some offices run out of Rahul Gandhi’s posters, they are recommended to make do with posters of Rahul Bose available at the Tamil Nadu Youth Congress (TNYC) headquarters.

• Note that posters showing Sonia madam as Rani ki Jhansi Jhansi ki Rani have been taken out of circulation since some sections of the party felt they were an insidious attempt at satire. Party workers seen celebrating with such posters will be summarily expelled from the party. Same with people using words like ‘Pappu’ and ‘Buddhu’. 

• Recommended slogans for the happy occasion are “Rahul lao, desh bachao”, “43 is the new 23”, “I see Rajivji in him”.

For CRTs and social media enthusiasts

• CRTs and those volunteering under eNREGA are encouraged to post happy birthday greetings for our beloved number 2. A model tweet, composed by our beloved Diggy ji, is posted for your reference:

Many Happy Returns of the Day to Rahul Gandhi ji.

— digvijaya singh (@digvijaya_28) June 19, 2013

• You can append hash tags such as #YouthIcon, #PrinceCharming, #Hairapparent, #HeirApparent, #Number2, #RahulJayanti to your message.

• You can also reference @NDTV who will RT your greeting with #BlowToModi appended. Alternately, you can reference @ShashiTharoor with the request “Sir, Please RT” to have your tweet read by millions of his followers.

• Try to be innovative and original in your praise of Rahul. Don’t go overboard lest it be construed as satire. 

• Take care to avoid the following hash-tags at all costs: #PappuDiwas, #Buddhu or #Pappu. Any CRTs found appending such vile hash-tags to their tweets will be summarily expelled. 

• For those who want to go beyond mere tweets in expressing admiration for the Nehru-Gandhi scion are encouraged to write an essay of not more than 300 words on the following topic: “Why Rahul Gandhi will make a better Prime Minister than Narendra Modi”. For ideas, read my article on HamaraCongress.com

Here is wishing you all a happy and joyous Rahul Jayanti,

Sanjay Jha
Paid Congress hack

Several twitter users from various parts of the country have now approached the police, filing cases of cheating. The UnReal Times Nigerian correspondent Lombode Zondeki managed to get in touch with Delhi-based Rajdeep Pardesi, one of Sagarika’s biggest fans and now one of the biggest victims of the scam. “I have lost as much as 70 lakh rupees! I dunno why I have been targeted here! Just because I’m a fan of Sagarika? All I did was tweet ‘I love your shows ma’am! You’re excellent and look awesome too!’ and she promptly retweeted it. The next thing I know, a young student from Nigeria tweets to me and says that he urgently needed money for his education, failing which he would be forced to go on the streets. He asked me to first give him 7 lakh, and he said that he would return it within a week. It didn’t come, but I didn’t worry a great deal.”

Rajdeep continued, “The trouble further increased as I tweeted more and more in Sagarika’s support. As I tweeted ‘Excellent show once again ma’am. Among all the channels, CNN-IBN is the most sensible and most unbiased. You’re very intelligent’, I almost instantaneously got another tweet from the guy asking for more money, as the circumstances had apparently changed. It took me a while before I finally realized that I was getting a donation request for each tweet in praise of Sagarika. I had already lost 70 lakh by then. I headed to the police station, only stunned to see many more victims like me – they had all tweeted stuff like ‘Sagarika, you look so pretty and are an excellent journalist too! Ideal combination of beauty and brains,’ ‘Hi ma’am, you’re my inspiration. what’s ur advice for me to becum good journo like u???’ with Sagarika promptly RTing the tweets and they had all lost big sums of money.”

The Delhi police initially resorted to lathi-charge and water-cannoning to drive them out of the police station, but later told them that they would file an FIR and undertake various measures to stop the scam, just like how they acted towards bringing down rape in the city, before proceeding to pick up another shady bookie. Politicians, however, have been of little support, Rajdeep adds. “I’ve approached many bigwigs but none of them helped. Beni Prasad Verma told me that this was too small an amount to qualify as a scam whereas Sushil Kumar Shinde told me twice that he would order a probe. I just lost it then and decided to drown myself in some Old Monk, listening to ‘Golmaal hai bhai sab golmaal hai’. Evergreen Pancham! Gnight,” Rajdeep signed off.

The incident made headlines too with several news channels reporting Congress President Sonia Gandhi’s unhappiness over the developments. Sagarika has finally broken her silence by tweeting, “Internet Hindus now resorting to abuse and online harassment by using fake handles of Nigerians! How cowardly and despicable can they get! Would Modi approve of such actions by his army?”

(Based on an idea by Laughing Gas)

Dr. Singh then decided to honor him with the highest honour he could think of, a PhD in the secular sciences. Praising Dr. Kumar during the investiture ceremony, Dr. Singh said that Nitish was not only a master theoretician but unlike others including himself, a preeminent practitioner as well. “Indeed, if we all work hard in a secular manner like Dr. Kumar, we can surely achieve double digit growth during the 12th Five Year plan period,” the scholar turned Prime Minister Dr. Singh said in concluding remarks while referring to the Chief Minister turned scholar.

Dr. Kumar in his acceptance speech thanked Dr. Singh for the honour and said the key to being secular was to look at minorities as another caste and not a distinct religious community. “In fact, secularism is a synonym for social engineering, the practice of segmenting the electorate into caste and sub-castes and targeting a few with customized programs,” Dr. Kumar noted before going onto reveal a trade-secret, a modified version of Gandhiji’s talisman, which guides him in his policy formulation:

“Whenever you are In doubt, Or when the self becomes too much with you, Apply the following test: Recall the face of the member of the minority community Whom you may have seen and ask yourself if the step you contemplate is going to be of any use to him. Will he gain anything by it ? Will it restore him to a control over his own life and destiny ? In other words, Will it lead to Secularism ? Then you will find Your doubts, and Your self melting away.”

The ceremony ended with top leaders from the Congress assuring the nation that the UPA will never deviate from its commitment to secularism. “More multi-lakh crore scams may continue to tumble out, growth may peter out, unemployment may increase, the rupee may go into free-fall but our adherence to secularism will remain firm as ever,” said a top Congress leader. “Indeed, we are as devoted to secularism as we are to Rahul baba,” he added to underscore the point.

(With inputs from Ashwin Kumar)

(With inputs from the UnReal team)

“It is one thing for Nitish to push the self destruct button of his own volition by walking out on the BJP,” disclosed Mumbai Police Commissioner, Himanshu Roy. “After all, if he thinks Muslims will vote for him and not Laloo after he’s been in bed with the BJP for so many years and suddenly discovers his commitment to secularism, that’s just plain stupidity but it’s not illegal,” pointed out the ace cop. “But I can’t sit by and watch Congress leaders giving him a long rope to hang himself with by calling his party likeminded and encouraging him to tie up with the UPA. That’s clearly abatement to suicide and I’ve booked the entire Congress high command under section 306 of the IPC. They have no right to destroy another party in such an insidious manner.”

Congress in its defense has retracted its earlier statement that JD(U) was  “likeminded”. “In retrospect, that was uncalled for and in bad taste. However, we will not be responsible if JD(U) ruins itself after getting into a relationship with us just like Pancholi cannot blamed for Jiah’s suicide. We will continue to flirt with Nitish in the hope that he commits to us as a consenting adult, fully aware of the consequences,” said Congress spokesperson, Rashid Alvi, from prison.

In related news, BJP said JD(U) was being “too pricey” and they had reconciled themselves to the split. “The other day, Salman bhai called to say that even Katrina did not behave in such a high strung manner with him before their split and counseled us to let go,” a somber BJP spokesperson, Shah Nawaz Hussain, told the press.

(Based on a Laughing Gas tweet)

Eventually, MS decided to stick with the original combination and opted to bowl after winning the toss. After all, with Ishant one never knows what to expect, and MS was hoping that his team would get to chase a score in excess of 300, with a flamboyant finish by him of course.

However, MSD’s hopes were belied as Pakistani wickets began to fall in regular procession, the second wicket partnership between Kamran and Hafeez notwithstanding. At 56/3, the question uppermost in the minds of most Indians was:

168 in 40 overs against Indian bowlers. Makes one wonder how the hell Pak batsmen face their own bowlers in the nets #IndvsPak

— The UnReal Times (@TheUnRealTimes) June 15, 2013

It didn’t help matters that after the second rain interruption, MSD set the cat among the pigeons by unleashing Sir Jadeja. Jadejageddon ensued.

Sania Mirza: “I am proud that my husband gave his wicket to Sir Jadeja” #IndvsPak

— The UnReal Times (@TheUnRealTimes) June 15, 2013

After yet another blink and you miss appearance, Malik tried to plan for the rest of the evening:

Shoaib Malik: “Honey, shall we go watch ‘Man of Steel’? | Saina Mirza: “I’d rather watch Sir Jadeja” #IndvsPak

— The UnReal Times (@TheUnRealTimes) June 15, 2013

On an aside, it wasn’t just the Pakistani batsmen who were rattled by Sir Jadeja. Some years ago, on a dying planet named Krypton, this happened:

Wickets tumbled left, right and center, and suddenly Pakistan’s strike bowler, Mohammad Irfan, found himself staring at a pumped up Ishant Sharma in the middle. “One step for Irfan, one giant run for Pakistan,” screamed Navjot Singh Sidhu with childish glee, only for the Indian fielders to promptly run out the 7’1″ giant before he could even figure out what was happening. If there were Indian fans who hadn’t already fainted by the blistering fielding display by the Indians, they promptly collapsed when someone commented on air that India has been the best fielding side in this tournament.

Pakistanis slumped to 165 all out in 39.4 overs (later adjusted to 167 by our beloved Duckworth-Lewis method). The low score induced an otherwise reclusive Dr. Singh to cheekily call up his Pakistani counterpart to resume cricketing diplomacy:

Meanwhile, during the innings break, Misbah tried in vain to intimidate MSD:

Misbah: we have Ajmal, Wahab, Irfan. What’ve ya got? MSD: yawn. We’ve got Jadeja #indvspak

— The UnReal Times (@TheUnRealTimes) June 15, 2013

Back in the Pakistani dressing room, however, the team spirit wasn’t quite there, as players sought to find the reasons behind the poor batting performance:

The Indian innings began slowly; Rohit Sharma and Shikhar Dhawan got things going cautiously, treating every ball on its merit, as the Pakistani pace battery of Irfan and Junaid bowled a probing line and length. After easing into the innings, the openers gradually began to assert themselves, caressing a few boundaries either side of the wicket. In no time, with hardly any effort, the score motored to 45/0, before rain intervened.

Indian openers playing with Pak bowlers like a cat plays with its prey before killing it #IndvsPak

— The UnReal Times (@TheUnRealTimes) June 15, 2013

At this point, the match lost more than half of its viewers worldwide. Pakistani fans saw the writing on the wall and switched their TV sets off, whereas Indian fans, benumbed by the ease by which the Indian batsmen were doing it, turned to Jhalak Dikhlaja to watch Kris Srikkanth violently shake his body dance to hit numbers.

More rain interruptions meant Duckworth-Lewis came into play again, and it was a miracle that the computer being used to execute the D/L algorithm did not break down. The match was soon done and dusted with, and as the Indian batsmen completed formalities, the stands witnessed an unusual sight:

After the match, as Indian players walk back to the pavilion, Pakistani batsmen scramble to get autographs from Sir Jadeja #IndvsPak

— The UnReal Times (@TheUnRealTimes) June 15, 2013

The match, earlier declared by Misbah ul Haq as equivalent to a final for Pakistan, almost resulted in a revolt in the Pakistani dressing room, before Captain Cool stepped in to bring things back to normalcy in his own inimitable manner.

Dear party faithful,

It gives me great pleasure to announce the immediate appointment of Shri. Advani as Senior Vice President, Project Unicorn. Project Unicorn has always been a pet project of Advaniji, on which he’s been working over the recent years in stealth mode. We anticipate that this will tap into his inexhaustible passion for combining politics, blogging and mythology and bring much needed laser focus on an important initiative which will connect these amazingly intricate worlds in ways the world has never imagined before.

It’s no secret that Advaniji is a go-getter and one of the brightest young talents in the organization. In fact, we’ve been keeping a close our eye on this young man for a good part of three decades. Although he has always been part of corporate HQ, we’ve felt that his enthusiastic field work such as the Rath yatra has been under appreciated by the outside world. His recent blog piece on painting himself as Pitamaha Bhishma, without doubt, tipped us over the edge on this decision.

On a note of caution, I’d like to bring to your attention that Advaniji will be resigning frequently from this post in the months to come. We’ve been told by him that such tactics are necessary in driving traffic to his blog. Please rest assured that he will usually rescind resignations at any point in the 72 hour period following their announcements* (* may vary if weekends are involved). I sincerely request you to not indulge in name calling on social media or in writing petty satire articles which may besmirch Advaniji’s fair name or the party reputation when hearing of his resignations.

I’m sure you’ll agree that the fact that he is one of the founders of our organization makes this announcement even sweeter and join me in wishing him all the best in his new role. Forgive me if I sound emotional when I say that Advaniji is a cowboy made in the original Louis L’Amour mold. They don’t make ‘em like him anymore. Nothing would give us greater happiness than to see him holster his guns and ride off into the sunset on his unicorn, by which of course I mean horse.

Regards,

Rajnath.

Mr. Advani sounded upbeat at a press conference where he read out a lengthy statement outlining the details around his new role.

“I’m besides myself with joy when I see the dazzling array of possibilities in front of me. Let me tell you that I plan to bring a pan-world dimension and new perspectives to this initiative. I know that everyone thinks that the Mahabharat is a fantastic mythological platform from which to spin theories. Sadly it is also an oft abused one. I feel that Ramayan on the other hand offers immense untapped potential. Take the story of Vali who’s shot down just because he came back and took what was rightfully his. Does that remind you of anyone? Hey look at me. Hello?

Greeks, Egyptians, Nordic, Chinese, Japanese, Native American . The list of mythologies is endless. For example, I can easily see Jaitley as the half-God Loki in Asgard who goes around brokering deals. As an immediate next step, I’m working on a blog post in which I will draw skillful comparisons between me and Cronos the Greek Titan, who is betrayed and struck down by his own son Zeus in a mad lust for power. I will post it in a week from now and will resign shortly after it goes live. The country is heading into a challenging phase of its history as we head for elections. What better way to educate people than to make oblique references to Narendra Modi’s hunger for power through a Japanese mythological inference?”

In other news, the BJP national executive voted resoundingly in favour of giving Nitish Kumar, leader of JD(U) and Bihar chief minister a “good and solid wedgie” whenever they meet him next.

(Originally published in ‘What ho!‘. Srini Chandra is the author of spiritual bestseller ‘3 lives‘)

The news triggered myriad reactions on the royal Facebook wall too. The UnReal Times political correspondent Rajniti Sarkarwala brings you some exclusive snapshots: