The UnReal Times India's favorite satire, spoof, parody and humour portal - Politics, Cricket, Business, Governance, Technology, Foreign Affairs and more Fri, 29 Apr 2016 09:10:33 +0000 en-US hourly 1 “Quit harassing Sonia ji, take us on if you have the guts,” Kejriwal, Kanhaiya lambast Modi regime Fri, 29 Apr 2016 09:10:33 +0000 C S Krishna Jaws clenched, brows fraught, eyes glowing with rage, Delhi CM Kejriwal tapped deep into his simmering frustration to lambast the Modi govt for yet again going after a down and out Sonia Gandhi in yet another scam in an endless litany of UPA era scams. This time he was joined by ‘younger brother’ Kanhaiya as the duo took on Modi and his henchmen in a no-holds barred attack.

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“Modi ji, how long will you harass Sonia ji over UPA scams? Get a life and move on, man. We are here now. Fight us instead and leave poor Sonia ji alone,” Kejriwal and Kanhaiya jointly hissed at the press conference. “For too long, you and your goons have been having a field day, bullying an aging woman, clearly past her prime. Well, not anymore. Modi ji and Jaitley ji, your days are numbered,” the dynamic duo warned.

Later, Kejriwal visited 10, Janpath to console a distressed Sonia and introduce her to Kanhaiya. “I assured her that she is not alone anymore. Rahul baba may be a flop but his place can be taken by Kanhaiya. Together we will free mother India from this oppressive regime. I told her not to get stressed by the Modi regime’s dirty tricks department. Modi keeps getting kicked by us and to vent his frustration, he goes after Sonia ji,” Kejriwal disclosed of the historic and melodramatic reunion. Wiping away tears of joy, a relived Sonia exclaimed ‘mere Karan Arjun aa gaye’ and lovingly embraced her ‘sons’ to the mellifluous tunes of ‘yeh bandhan to pyar ka bandhan hai’ from Rakesh Roshan blockbuster Karan-Arjun playing in the background.

On the rise of Kanhaiya, the Delhi CM said he couldn’t be more excited. “He is amateurish at times but then he is only in his twenties,” Kejriwal said. “I told him that bigger challenges than strangulation attempts await him such as Ambani’s agents throwing ink at him or a CBI team trying to steal his JNU speeches. However, Kanhaiya needs to quickly settle things on the romantic front so that he is fully focused. I don’t want him going the way of Rahul baba,” Kejriwal cautioned.

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COMIC: Subramanian Swamy trolls Congress MPs in Rajya Sabha Fri, 29 Apr 2016 03:28:14 +0000 Ashwin Kumar With Dr. Subramanian Swamy in the House, entertaining times are guaranteed. Well, Rajya Sabha will still get adjourned, but at least it would be fun in the few minutes before that! Here’s how he trolled Congress MPs earlier today in the unreal world.






(Image sources: 1a, 1b, 2a, 2b, 3a, 3b, 4a, 4b, 5a, 5b, 6a, 6b)

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Skit: What transpired in the no-holds-barred meeting by UPA to discuss AgustaWestland scam? Thu, 28 Apr 2016 09:57:03 +0000 Hariharan Iyer

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Amidst reports that AgustaWestland could be her Bofors, a beleaguered Sonia Gandhi called a meeting of senior Congress leaders and alliance partners who are still with UPA to discuss and formulate a strategy to face the BJP in parliament and Arnab in the Newshour.

Venue: 10, Janpath. Sonia Gandhi’s residence.

Sonia (opening remarks): Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure…

Rahul: Complete nonsense. Let’s cut all this crap and get straight to the point.

Ajay Maken (murmurs): Though out of power this guy hasn’t changed a bit. Still the same word?

Sonia (whispers to Rahul): Beta, I’m not Maken, I’m your mom…who comes to your room every night and cries(turns back to the group) We’re facing a grim situation today. Documents of scams and controversies from our time in the government are tumbling out every day. We need to discuss and formulate a strategy to counter BJP and Times Now…

Rahul: Absolutely. After all, how many days can we allow Arnab to keep the chair empty? We need to send someone.

Sonia: Manmohan, can you just go around and confirm that all the invitees are present?

Manmohan (gets up and walks around with a list): Chidambaram, yes. Singhvi, yes. Barkha Dutt? Why? (turns around to Sonia and asks) Ma’am, why is Barkha here?

Sonia: It’s okay, Manmohan. She is family. I invited her. In fact, you won’t be able to identify the next two guys without her help.

Manmohan: Next two guys? This old man with yellow shawl and the lean guy in spotless white shirt and dhoti? Who’re they?

Barkha (with a broad smile): Karunanidhi and Raja. Remember the ‘Tell me what I should tell them’? I got him inducted in your cabinet.

Raja gets up and genuflects to Barkha in true Dravidian style as Manmohan moves to check the attendance of others.

Manmohan (talks to himself): Digvijay Singh, yes. Ahmed Patel, yes. Rajeev Shukla, yes. Hain…Who’s this guy?

Srinivasan: I am Srinivasan from India Cements. Former BCCI….

Manmohan: But this meeting is for former UPA partners…

Srinivasan: I’m sorry. I thought it was meeting of all shady chaps in India. Like they do in Bollywood movies…

Sonia: Let him be there. We may need his advice. In fact, I’ve asked Vijay Mallya to join via skype.

Manmohan (moving to the next guy): Who are you? Ma’am…

Sonia (irritated that Manmohan is not able to identify participants): Sit down Manmohan. Enough of checking. We need to proceed with the meeting. (addresses the members) I want to make it clear…

Karunanidhi (interrupts): Before you commit anything to others, let me make DMK’s position clear. We need 4 plus 3. Four cabinet seats and three MOS. Otherwise, reporters are waiting outside. I will show this agreement on portfolio allocation to them.

Chidambaram (whispers to Karunanidhi): Sir, this meeting is not for cabinet formation. We are not in power. And the paper you’re waving is your ration card.

Karunanidhi: Is it? I thought all meetings in Delhi are for portfolio allocation. I’ve been coming to Delhi only for that purpose.

Sonia: Can I have your attention please? We are talking of a serious issue. An Italian court names me as the driving force behind the chopper deal. What do I do now?

Chidambaram: Simple, ma’am. Please introduce me to the judge and I will solve the problem in a few minutes.

Sonia: Oh great! But what will you do?

Chidambaram: I will ask the judge to announce the judgement was delivered without his knowledge by the court registrar. The judge will pass a new verdict, which will not have your name. After all, he can’t mention your name based on hearsay… I mean a letter by a third party cannot form part of the judgement…

Singhvi: Chup kar yar Chidambaram. This is not Ishrat affidavit that you can keep on changing. This requires a different approach. I can get it done.

Chidambaram: How? By promising promotion to a female lawyer in Milan? So that she will become a judge and deliver a positive verdict? Laughable. You can’t manage your driver. You’re going to manage the Italian court?

Singhvi (complains to Sonia): Ma’am, this is below the belt.

Chidambaram: He he he…I know. Thanks for accepting that was below the belt.

Singhvi: Abe lungi-wale, ‘below the belt’ means being unfair…not what you think. I don’t know when you Tamils will learn English.

Chidambaram: I’ve a better idea. Ma’am, remember what I said in the coal scam—if coal is not mined, where is the scam? Why don’t you issue a statement that when choppers haven’t been bought, where is the question of kickbacks?

Digvijay: And you’ve forgotten the flak we got from the media for that foolish comment of yours. You guys are lawyers. You are unable to think of a political response. This is a BJP conspiracy, which requires a fitting political response. I can prove that the judge’s forefathers were RSS sympathisers. This will put BJP on the defensive.

Rahul: How will you prove?

Digvijay: We don’t need to prove anything. The Sanghis will bend over backwards and write op-eds in Pioneer and Swarajya that there is no RSS connection. It will keep them busy…

Sonia: But who will publish your theory?

Barkha: NDTV will be happy to air an exclusive one-on-one interview with Digvijay…

Chidambaram: Sure you will, but who watches you programme?

Barkha: Don’t underestimate me, sir. My recent Biryani pe Baath with Derek O’Brien got some eyeballs…

Chidambaram: Come on, people thought it was a cookery show and watched the programme.

Karunanidhi: I have nearly five decades’ of experience in handling corruption allegations. You just need to allege Brahmin conspiracy…it has worked for all these decades…

Sonia (shaking her head): I am not convinced with any of your suggestions. I am unhappy…

Ahmed Patel (excitedly): No problem ma’am. I’ll ask the media to publish that you are unhappy.

At this point, one of the invitees gets up and says contemptuously, “So, this is how you guys plan to counter AgustaWestland issue. I’ll tell PTs about your designs.”

Barkha: Subramanian Swamy?

Sonia: Swamy!?! How the hell did you enter the meeting hall? How did the security guys allow you?

Swamy: Simple. Buddhu signed my entry pass thinking that he was signing papers for incorporating a company in UK!

Swamy laughs in his trademark manner, and leaves the room.

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Empty chair representing Congress stolen from Times Now studio Thu, 28 Apr 2016 02:40:56 +0000 Citizen Satirist In a shocking incident, the star of Newshour episodes for the past few episodes featuring the Ishrat Jahan and the AgustaWestland controversies, the empty chair that has come to be regarded as the Congress spokesperson, was discovered stolen from the studio of Times Now.

It is learnt from reliable sources (we and NDTV share the same, so I beg you to trust us) that editor in chief, Arnab Goswami, who has been flaunting the empty chair lately, flew into a rage when he heard about the theft. He is believed to have shouted at the security personnel guarding the premises and threatened to expose them on Newshour alleging abetment in abduction of the Congress chair.

Meanwhile, Twitter was abuzz with rumours on the possible abductors of Arnab’s coveted trophy. We bring you a selection of such tweets:

Sambit Patra: “It has to be Sanjay Hegde! He must have taken the chair to 10J as trophy in exchange of spokesperson’s job.”

Amit Shah: “This is yet another step towards Congress Mukt Bharat.”

Tehseen Poonawala: “Modi is scared that I might sit in that chair and plotted removal of the chair with along with Arnab Goswami.”

Sanjay Hegde: “I am filing a defamation case against Sambit Patra for his baseless allegation.”

Shekhar Gupta: “There was an abnormal movement of chairs in the studio that hinted at a possible coup. Guess it was a General Chair.”

Rahul Narvekar: “This is an agenda that Times Now and Arnab have been running. Our party leadership will expose them, if they don’t’ declare on air that Bhujbal ji is innocent.”

Barkha Dutt: “If you think you can hijack news under my nose, then you should have kept an eye on the chair.”

Prannoy Roy: “You don’t have to sit in a chair to be heard as a Congressman. You have to fall at the feet to be a real Congressman.”

Ashish Khetan: “Arnab should have adopted a stool on odd days and a chair on even days. It was 27th today. He’d have lost just a stool.”

Kumar Ketkar: “I don’t believe Arnab. I don’t believe Sambit Patra. I believe nobody. Maybe the chair was a hologram.”

Nikhil Wagle: “I see a brahamani kava (brahmanical plot) behind this. Search for it in Nagpur.”

Kanhaiya Kumar: “The chair was stolen by Manas Deka.” (He later deleted this tweet, saying he was confused when the incident occurred.)

Sanjay Jha: “Modi must answer. Even a simple chair isnt safe in his raj! #AchheDin?”

Rajdeep Sardesai: “Journalistic standards have hit a new low with chair allowed to be stolen from a studio. Time to introspect… with old monk.”

Rana Ayyub: “I told Arnab 2002 times not to leave the studio open.”

Sagarika Ghose: “Hi Rana. Let’s celebrate. Wine?”

(Reported by Citizen Satirist Hemant Kulkarni. He tweets here.)

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In Pictures: Subramanian Swamy’s first day in Parliament Wed, 27 Apr 2016 04:00:43 +0000 Kaushik R Anti-corruption crusader and a pain in the backsides of the crooks of this country, Dr. Subramanian Swamy took oath as an MP of Rajya Sabha yesterday. Here’s how his first day went in the unreal world:












(Image sources: 1a, 1b, 2a, 2b, 3a, 3b, 4a, 4b, 5a, 5b, 6a, 6b, 7a, 7b, 8a, 8b, 9a, 9b, 10a, 10b, 11a, 11b, 12a, 12b)

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Impressed with Kanhaiya Kumar’s airplane antics, AAP offers him ticket for Punjab polls Tue, 26 Apr 2016 12:39:00 +0000 D-MAN Kanhaiya Kumar, the dynamic JNUSU President, has once again wowed the political class with his crap charisma. The frequent flying son of the soil from Bihar has won hearts this time not with his anti-Modi speeches but by demonstrating his world class dramatics skills, in the process, drawing uproarious applause from the most honest political party in the Milky Way, the Aam Aadmi Party.

AAP leaders were so impressed with Kanhaiya’s attention seeking technique that they not only went ahead and offered him a ticket in the upcoming Punjab election, but also asked him to pick the constituency he would prefer to contest from.

“This is incredible stuff. I mean, ink throwing, shoe hurling, slapping, these have all become rather clichéd. Except for a few shady left wing news channels no one covers such antics. But this 28 year old guy, out of nowhere, comes up with this innovative idea and claims that a Modi supporter tried to strangle him in a plane. Just wow!” said a senior spokesperson of the Aam Aadmi Party. “And it’s so cleverly done too – the media attention, the crying foul at being victimized, the lack of any video proof, brilliant! Reminds us of a young Arvind, you know.”

With this ticket from the AAP, Kanhaiya has got his third Pre Placement Offer even before clearing his PhD. First came the PPO from the Communist party right after he joined JNU, then came the PPO from the Congress party after his batch mates chanted Bharat tere tukde hoge slogans. And finally, this one from AAP to make for yet another feather in his cap.

“Well, like any other university we too have placements, just that they are a little different. Here IT is not the biggest recruiter, manufacturing is. And within manufacturing, it’s the news channels who rule the roost. But this year, thanks to comrade Kanhaiya, that trend has turned on its head,” a senior JNU professor told us on his way to yet another appearance on a news debate.

A sophomore at JNU chipped in with his take. “If you really ask me, getting a PPO from CPM is not a big deal. It’s almost like we have taken a sabbatical from CPM and come over to JNU. When we finish the course we know we can join them any time we want. But landing a job in a challenging startup with growth opportunities is everyone’s dream. AAP is that startup and Kanhaiya is all set to be part of it. It’s so inspiring! I am sure even Umar Khalid would land a startup job, either at AAP or AIMIM,” he said.

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REVEALED: A daring RAW plot to eliminate Dawood Ibrahim! Tue, 26 Apr 2016 03:18:31 +0000 UnReal Mama

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On Monday, the 26th of April, millions of Indians woke up to a curious piece of news: Mastermind of the Mumbai 1993 blasts, Dawood Ibrahim, is suffering from gangrene, and could very well lose both his legs. Some smiled, and remarked that there finally was some kind of justice. Some joked that diabetes did what the Indian intelligence agencies never could. Some others didn’t care and simply moved on with their day.

In a nondescript apartment on a nondescript street somewhere in Delhi, a group of nondescript young and old men, who neighbours thought were regular people in regular jobs, erupted in joy, whooping and high-fiving each other, as they celebrated the first signs of success in an intelligence operation that was 20 years in the making.

“This has been one of RAW’s greatest operations,” said an unnamed officer, wiping tears from his eyes, “Twenty years ago, a few visionary intelligence officers sat down and laid out various options of taking out Dawood. We had several ideas on our plate, most of which involved sneaking in our agents into Pakistan and taking him out. However, what went against these ideas and eventually ruled them out were the lack of deniability and the risk of failure.”

“That’s when someone suggested that we go for halaal instead of jhatka. We came up with an intrepid new operation, and codenamed it ‘Killing him softy’.”

“The plan was to lull him into a sense of complacency and manipulate him into killing himself. We did the first part by having the government send Pakistan dossier after dossier begging the Pakistani deep state to return Dawood. The idea was to make the Indian government seem like a joke, and make Dawood feel safe. We even posted jokes on forums and social media on the dossier diplomacy under anonymous handles to help the process along.”

“Then, we started couriering him sweets and desserts, from all over the world. Pastries, cakes, ice-creams, South Asian delicacies, sweets from his native city Mumbai, you name the sweet, and we can give you the number of times and the dates on which we couriered them over. Typically we picked one of his gang members or business associates as the sender, preferably someone relative lower in the food-chain that Dawood wouldn’t speak to directly.”

“Dawood never suspected anything. He interpreted it as the usual ass-kissing by his people and devoured all of them, indiscriminately. A few years later, our spies in Pakistan reported that Dawood had been diagnosed with diabetes.”

“The next step was to increase his already high Blood Pressure. We achieved it very simply by leaking his home address and phone numbers to Arnab Goswami. Within a day, Dawood’s BP shot up to dangerous levels, which along with diabetes, further exacerbated his condition. Rot began to creep in into his legs, as his body could no longer withstand the relentless assault.”

“And the rest,” said the officer with a smile, “is history.”

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Facebook Wall: Reactions to Kanhaiya Kumar’s claim that man tried to ‘strangulate’ him on plane Mon, 25 Apr 2016 04:09:00 +0000 Ashwin Kumar Just as our beloved mainstream media was running out of issues (of a particular kind) to outrage about, JNUSUSU leader Kanhaiya Kumar came to their rescue. The revolutionary proponent of azaadi alleged that a TCS employee tried to “strangulate” him on a Jet Airways flight. Our correspondent Mark Zuckerpandian brings you some reactions hours after Kanhaiya’s tweet:

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Jairam Ramesh breaks down in front of Sonia on his task of turning Rahul Gandhi into a great leader Sun, 24 Apr 2016 23:30:06 +0000 UnReal Mama

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A day after the Chief Justice of India, TS Thakur, broke down in front of PM Modi, citing the drastic shortage of judges in addressing the massive backlog of cases with the judiciary, another man entrusted with a similarly herculean task reportedly lost his bearings and got emotional.

Congress leader, Jairam Ramesh, who some say is in charge of overseeing Rahul Gandhi’s evolution into a great leader, visited 10, Janpath earlier today, and burst out sobbing like a little boy in front of Sonia Gandhi. “It is not fair to criticize me for everything he does, Soniaji! You cannot shift the entire burden to me! I write the right speeches. I even print them in big roman fonts. But despite that he goes and says whatever he likes! What do I do?” he wailed, shedding copious tears, while Rahul Gandhi stood by the door sucking on a lollipop with an impish grin on his face.

Within hours of Jairam Ramesh’s breakdown, several other Congress leaders including Digvijay Singh, Jyotiraditya Scindia and Ajay Maken made a beeline to 10, Janpath, and similarly broke down sobbing, mainly to preempt any decision by the Congress President to transfer Jairam’s task to them.

Jairam’s emotional outburst has drawn sympathy from many. Even CJI TS Thakur has admitted that his task is nothing when pitted against that of Jairam Ramesh. “Compared to Jairam’s task of turning Rahul Gandhi into a mass leader, my task of resolving the pending cases is a walk in the park. I don’t know what I was crying about. Now I just feel stupid,” he said.

However, unlike PM Modi who asked the CJI for a closed door meeting to find solutions for pending issues, Congress President Sonia Gandhi firmly put her foot down. “Nothing doing. If you don’t want to be fired, you will continue to groom him to be a great leader,” she said, following which Jairam Ramesh and the others quietly returned to their homes.

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After India issues Visa to Chinese rebel, China hits back by inviting Barkha Dutt, Rajdeep Sardesai Sun, 24 Apr 2016 08:13:28 +0000 Flying Table-fan China has sparked a fresh row by issuing stapled visas to Indian separatist journalists Rajdeep Sardesai and Barkha Dutt to attend a conference in Beijing on intolerance, secularism, and Azadi. The move has come in the wake of a diplomatic fallout between the two nations after India invited Uyghur ‘terrorist’ Dolkun Isa to India, and hence, it’s viewed as a retaliation from the government of China.

Barkha Dutt from the rebel outfit NDTV and Rajdeep Sardesai, an undefined entity have been engaged in fierce 140-character battles with Indian trolls ever since the inception of Twitter, and have often earned brownie points with the neighboring countries for their radical views. As a matter of fact, Mr. Sardesai became an instant hero in Pakistan and China with his article titled – “I am an antinational,” so much so that Chinese government contemplated on attacking India via Arunachal Pradesh with his help. However, the plan was scrapped later when they realized that, barring occasional fist fights, he doesn’t have much expertise in infantry or guerrilla war, and like most, he is also a virtual world fighter.

The news has been received by the media houses with beaming smiles, and “Blow to Modi” articles were typed with renewed gusto. Ms. Dutt, whose Twitter reply section has been a playground of trolls and whose sole purpose of existence is to make humanity smile at her own expense, took to Twitter to share her joy with unknown recipients.  She wrote – “Sadda China da Chinese munda!!!  I wish they invited Kanhaiya Kumar as well.  Anyway, I am sure it’s going to be fun, like 2G spectrum alloc…” The message was a bit vague as she ran out of 140-character limit, but it was not an aberration.

However, for Mr. Sardesai, this is not a rare moment as he has already displayed his Chinese connection during India-Pakistan match at Eden Gardens by wearing a florescent yellow polka dot shirt, a sartorial choice prevalent in the land of Mandarin and Gemini circus.

We eagerly waited for his reaction on Twitter and subjected ourselves to inhuman torture while he wreaked carnage on the micro-blogging site for hours. Finally, at 11:15 PM, he slipped in a message before retiring for the night, “Delighted to be part of Beijing conference. Aaj phir jeene ki tamanna hai. Aaj phir marne ka irada hai.  Gnight shubhratri,” tweeted the revolutionary. Everyone appreciated the message and suggested various methods to accomplish the task mentioned in the second part of the verse.

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