The UnReal Times India's favorite satire, spoof, parody and humour portal - Politics, Cricket, Business, Governance, Technology, Foreign Affairs and more Wed, 26 Nov 2014 09:01:12 +0000 en-US hourly 1 In Pictures: Modern day Silsila: The story of BJP, Shiv Sena, NCP and Congress Wed, 26 Nov 2014 08:44:34 +0000 Anand Walunjkar It seems Shiv Sena might join the BJP government in Maharashtra after all. The complex equations of love and animosity between the four principal parties in Maharashtra – BJP, Shiv Sena, Congress and NCP – reminds one of another complex love quadrangle between Amitabh Bachchan, Jaya Bachchan, Sanjeev Kumar and Rekha in the 1981 classic “Silsila”. Now before the Shiv Sena changes its stance again, we’d like to attempt to draw a comparison:


Amitabh and Jaya had a marriage of convenience, as did BJP and Shiv Sena…


The relationship between Rekha and Sanjeev Kumar, and NCP and Congress was not very different…


Each of them, however, had their own positions and thoughts…

Modi: Myself and my friend Amit Shah often wonder…





Then came Holi and the Elections respectively, and each individual / party played it independently…


After Holi it was clear both Rekha and Jaya wanted Amitabh. BJP faced something similar…


…which then led to a face-off…


Rekha and Sharad Pawar, however, made a persuasive case…


…which eventually led Amitabh and BJP to consider an unthinkable option…


The wives took matters into their own hands…


…and made it costly for their husbands to leave…


And just like that, things came back to normal…

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When Indian celebrities get trapped in an elevator – Part I Wed, 26 Nov 2014 03:33:24 +0000 Ashwin Kumar When an ordinary person gets trapped in an elevator, he/she presses the red button if there’s one, or calls someone he/she knows to arrange for rescue. Then he/she waits patiently, perhaps with a hint of anxiety, until the rescue team arrives and gets him/her out. Now how might our celebrities respond if they happen to get trapped in an elevator?


When Shivraj Singh Chouhan gets trapped an elevator:

A mild wave of anxiety sweeps through Madhya Pradesh and Twitter, even as Shivraj Singh Chouhan patiently waits in the elevator. A few minutes later, the rescue team arrives on the spot, gets the door open and rescues Shivraj.

“Are you ok, sir?” one of them asks, as the CM steps out.

In response, Shivraj grins, takes his smartphone out and tweets, “I congratulate the rescue team who saved me from the stuck elevator. Deeply thankful and indebted to them!”


When Azam Khan gets trapped in an elevator:

After trying in vain to get the elevator moving, Azam Khan calls up his secretary and says, “I’m stuck in an elevator. This is happening to me because I’m a Muslim!”

“Don’t worry, sir, I’ll call the UP state police to rescue you ASAP,” the secretary assures Azam.

“Abey idiot!” Azam yells. “Leave the UP police alone. They are only to guard my buffaloes. Send some electricians.”

A couple of hours later, the elevator doors are wedged open, and Azam walks out. Immediately, he signals his men to seal the elevator.

“This elevator trapped a Muslim for 2 hours. It is now the property of the Waqf board,” Azam declares.


When Rahul Gandhi gets trapped in an elevator:

Rahul Gandhi enters the elevator at the ground floor and looks at the list of numbers and the letters ‘G’ and ‘B’ with a perplexed expression.

After a few moments, he calls up Sonia Gandhi and asks her, “Mumma, what’s the elevator password?”

“What password?” Sonia asks, confused.

“I dunno. There are some buttons here. What should I type?”

Sonia immediately alerts Ahmed about Rahul’s situation. Ahmed takes out his cellphone and makes a couple of urgent phone calls.

“What did you do?” asks Sonia.

“Called up NDTV and The Hindu. Within 2 minutes, they will flash a headline about you being unhappy about Rahul baba’s situation,” Ahmed explains. “Khurshid will also add that there were tears in your eyes.”

Sonia slaps her forehead and glares at the grinning Ahmed. Then taking matters into her own hands, she calls up some Congress leaders and asks them to rush to the scene.

By the time Sanjay Jha, Randeep Surjewala, Shashi Tharoor and Rita Bahuguna Joshi rush to the scene, OB vans are already there. Rahul baba has been banging on the door for over an hour now.

Hundreds of Congress supporters gather with butterscotch cake and posters of Rahul Gandhi, all set to feed the posters the moment Rahul is rescued.

While Jha, Surjewala and Bahuguna wonder what to do, Tharoor suddenly realizes what might have happened. He flicks his hair, swaggers towards the elevator panel, and presses the button. The door opens, and Rahul baba rushes out to hug him.

Soon, the media begins to question whether Rahul was stuck at all in the first place, and whether Rahul knew how to operate an elevator. That’s when the spokespersons swing into action.

“Rahul baba cannot be blamed for this. We take collective responsibility for the fact that he was stuck in the elevator,” Surjewala says.

“Getting stuck in an elevator is a lot less dangerous than the ghastly riots of 2002, which Mr.Modi presided over,” fires Sanjay Jha.

“Surely, the elevator’s design must have been confusing or the opposition has deliberately messed up the interiors. How can Rahul baba be at fault for this?” screams Rita Bahuguna Joshi.


When Arvind Kejriwal gets trapped in an elevator:

The moment he realizes that the elevator is stuck, Arvind Kejriwal is convinced that it is the handiwork of BJP-Ambani-Adani goons. Within minutes, Twitter is abuzz with trends like #IstuckWithArvind, #BJPdirtytricks and #Emergency2014. AAP supporters get into the act with some witty tweets:

“So, LITERALLY, the BJP doesn’t want to see the elevation of Arvind, babye! ;)” tweets self-proclaimed AAPTard, Abhinandan Sekhri.

Not to take things lying down, the right-wing TIMES NOW hits back with the hashtag #AAPElevatorDrama.

Arvind takes to Twitter to express his angst. “I am fine..thank u all..v know who is behind’s anyone’s guess..such things won’t stop me..I’m ready to even give my life!” he tweets, and then goes on to RT hundreds of tweets in support of him.

“Attack on Arvind elevater is an attack on democrazy by facists !!! Will the Modi answer !!!” tweets AAP’s Ashutosh.

Several journalists too, condemn the incident. “Shame on right wing goons! A new low in politics!” tweets Rana Ayyub.

“Seriously, is this what the BJP can come with up, in response to AAPs undeniable popularity? Shame! Disgusting!” tweets Nikhil Wagle.

“Sorry to hear about Kejriwal’s elevator ordeal. Time Modi shows grace, puts politics aside and rescues him,” tweets Rajdeep Sardesai, and follows it up with this tweet: “Why did Arvind get stuck in an elevator? Read my book!”

Meanwhile, AAP supporters gather outside the elevator in large numbers and begin to protest with banners. Some climb into the elevator shaft, on top of the elevator, in their bid to show solidarity with Arvind by getting stuck alongside him. Some others peacefully fling stones at the police force, and the policemen respond with water-cannons, tear gas shells and lathi charge. Section 144 is soon imposed in and around the building.

Soon enough, the rescue team arrives. A defiant Arvind, however, declares that he will not be rescued and will continue sitting in the elevator in protest against the BJPs activities. Thus begins another dharna, an elevator dharna, the first of its kind.

Refusing to take any food, Arvind spends the night in the elevator, with as many of his supporters as could fit in within the 8×6 space. AAP supporters on social media get all the more hyperactive. “One man is putting his life at risk, in a small elevator, not even eating food, for the sake of the nation & all people can do is mock him. Sigh!” says a tweet and posts a pic of an unshaven Arvind staring emptily into space, with the expression of a man who has been persecuted all his life.

Right-wingers hit back with pics of senior citizens being forced to take the stairs, because the elevator couldn’t be repaired.

The next day, the rescue team decides that enough is enough, and forcibly carries Kejriwal out of the elevator and drops him outside the building. Kejriwal stands there expectantly, scanning the faces in the crowd, when a gentleman comes forward, sprays ink on his face and lands a resounding slap on his cheek.

Kejriwal heads straight to Rajghat, sits down and utters a “prayer” for peace.

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In Pictures: The inside story behind the withdrawal of Tarun Tejpal’s invitation to TOI Litfest Tue, 25 Nov 2014 05:44:04 +0000 UnReal Mama After a prolonged period off the limelight, Tehelka founder and rape accused Tarun Tejpal made his way back into the public eye when his name sneaked into one of the schedule of TOI’s upcoming LitFest. Since you can do practically nothing quietly these days, the news quickly went viral, and Twitter erupted in outrage, forcing Bachi Karkaria, one of the organizers of the LitFest, to withdraw TOI’s invite to Tarun Tejpal. Social media’s outrage is one story, what was going on with the original outragist, Arnab Goswami? We decided to investigate…





















(Image sources: 1a, 1b, 2a, 2b4a, 4b, 5a, 5b, 6a, 6b, 7a, 7b, 8a, 8b, 9a, 9b, 10a, 10b, 10c, 11a, 11b, 12b, 12c, 12-5a, 12-5b13, 14a, 14b, 15a16, 18b)

With inputs from Ajayendar Reddy

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Facebook Wall: Smriti Irani draws criticism after her astrologer predicts she’ll become president Tue, 25 Nov 2014 02:55:25 +0000 Ashwin Kumar Union HRD Minister Smriti Irani, on a visit to Rajasthan, sought expert counsel on her life and career from an astrologer. Later, Smriti walked out of the astrologer’s office, delighted, after he predicted that she’ll become India’s President in 5 years. Needless to say, reactions to this news poured in on Facebook and Twitter. Mark Zuckerpandian, our Facebook correspondent brings you some of them:

(With inputs from UnReal Mama)

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In Pictures: Amit Shah doing things Mon, 24 Nov 2014 03:23:22 +0000 Ajayendar Reddy Now that he is one of the most powerful leaders in Indian politics, questions are being asked by curious observers around the world. What is it exactly that Amit Shah does? So here we go, Amit Shah doing things:

Amit Shah after accidentally clashing foreheads with Usha Uthup


Amit Shah when Ashutosh asked him if he’s a descendant of last Mughal Emperor Bahadur Shah II


Amit Shah nostalgic about younger days when he had a full head of hair


Amit Shah looking enviously at Modi for not losing all his hair


Amit Shah relieved after locating a bald patch on the back of Modi’s head


Amit Shah after watching the Interstellar movie


Amit Shah finally revealing where he put a hidden camera in Aap ki Adalat studio


Amit Shah in South Indian attire to please the editors of The Hindu (especially Malini Parthasarathy)


Amit Shah practicing chanakya neeti of Saam-Daam-Dand-Bhed: First, Saam - getting work done through peaceful negotiation…


Amit Shah practicing Daam – getting work done through money – here signalling to defectors…


Amit Shah practicing Dand – getting work done through punishment or fear…


Amit Shah practicing Bhed – getting work done through divide and rule policy – here ordering a split with alliance partners


Amit Shah after he got a surprise call from Ravishankar Prasad


Amit Shah when Modi asked if he understands what Sagarika Ghose tries to say in her columns


Amit Shah making a mental note of the name of the journalist who asked a wicked question


Amit Shah pretending he did not read the messages on Jairam Ramesh’s phone


Amit Shah revealing the findings of AAP’s highly secret internal survey


Amit Shah proving that anything Modi can do, he can do too


Amit Shah asking Modi if he saw the latest pic of Kim Kardashian that he sent on WhatsApp


Amit shah in a pensive mood after a displeased Modi tells Shah that he left his phone at his mother’s place


Amit Shah seeking blessings of an unguarded Advani and calling him BJPs margdarshak [Guide]


Amit Shah informing Modi that Advani has agreed to move to Margdarshak mandal, even as Advani wonders how that happened


Amit Shah along with Modi showing a reluctant Advani the way to Margdarshak mandal


Hi, this is Amit Shah. This is me warning the guys at The Unreal Times that I am watching them

(Image sources: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16,17,19,20,21,22,23,24)

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COMIC: When Birbal Jha accused Chetan Bhagat of plagiarism Mon, 24 Nov 2014 03:16:55 +0000 Ashwin Kumar An English scholar from Bihar has claimed that banker-turned-author Chetan Bhagat lifted the plot of his latest novel, Half Girlfriend, from his bilingual play, Englishia Boli. While it is yet to be seen how this might affect Bhagat’s reputation, how did Jha’s claim affect his own standing in literary circles?




(Image thumbnail sources: 1a, 2b, 4a. Rest via

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Asaram Bapu trolls trend #InviteBapujiForTOILitFest after TOI invites Tarun Tejpal for LitFest Sun, 23 Nov 2014 07:31:08 +0000 UnReal Mama Asaram Bapu’s champion Twitter troll army has demanded that the TOI group invite their revered leader Asaram Bapu for its upcoming LitFest, and in the process get him out of jail. The demand was made after news broke on Twitter, about Tarun Tejpal’s participation in a panel discussion in the TOI LitFest on the topic “Tyranny of Power”. Within minutes, a flurry of Asaram Bapu tweets flooded the microblogging portal, and #InviteBapujiForTOILitfest climbed to the top of the trends.




The trolls’ demand, however, has been categorically rejected by TOI LitFest organizers. “Are you out of your mind?” an official overseeing arrangements at the event’s venue asked this correspondent, while behind him, workers hung ‘Lift out of order’ boards across elevator doors on all the floors. “Asaram Bapu has been accused of rape for God’s sake! How can they expect us to put him on a panel discussion?”

When reminded that Tarun Tejpal too has been accused of rape, the official said, “In our country, a man is innocent until proven guilty. Let’s not conduct a media trial. We must let the law take its course.”

Meanwhile, the Twitter team of the other champion hashtag troll, Times Now, took note of the attempted rehabilitation of Tarun Tejpal, and forwarded several possible hashtags to Arnab Goswami including #TejpalsCrimesForgotten, #TejpalsShamelessRehabilitation and #WahTOIwah for his approval. Arnab, however, junked all the options, and brusquely reminded his team that his war against hypocrisy does not extend to his own media group.

(Based on an idea by Ashwin Kumar)

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PETA ambassadors to do a full monty in support of Abhishek Manu Singhvi for protecting termites Sun, 23 Nov 2014 03:24:51 +0000 Guro

(Image via

Abhishek Manu Singhvi, a loyal congress spokesperson and a leading Supreme Court lawyer, who is famous for his oratory skills and defending the indefensible (read as Rahul Gandhi), recently found himself in the midst of yet another controversy. As a senior and arguably one of India’s highest paid Supreme Court lawyer, he has successfully defended many corporates and HNIs in tax evasion cases. However, in a classic case of hunter getting himself hunted, he has found himself embroiled in a tax evasion case when he received a massive 57 cr tax notice from the IT department.

IT department argued that Mr. Singhvi had failed to furnish documents supporting his claims for running his office. Mr. Singhvi, on his part, has fiercely defended his case. He told the IT department that he had incurred a lot of expenses but was unable to produce the bills as they were eaten up by termites in his office.

Speaking to The UnReal Times from his posh Neeti Bagh-South Extension office, Mr. Singhvi answered some tough questions posted by our correspondent.

URT: Mr. Singhvi, thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule and speaking to us.

AMS: (Gives a reluctant smile)

URT: You have argued that you have spent 5 cr on Laptops and you have even claimed 1.5 cr depreciation on the same. As per our records, you have 40 employees in your office and that roughly translates to 30 Laptops per employee. How do you justify this spend?

AMS: Every employee in my office does 30 different things. To maintain client confidentiality we have given 30 Laptops to every employee for doing 30 different things. We had all the receipts for the purchase but unfortunately they were destroyed by termites in our office.

URT:  Your opponents have accused you of misleading the court by using the termites excuse. How do you respond to this?

AMS: We believe in secular and inclusive principles. Just because they eat paper, we cannot destroy them. We do not use insecticides and other harmful chemicals in our office. We have to live and let them live.

URT: How confident are you of winning this case? Will you call pest control to your office to treat pests?

AMS: I am 100% confident of winning the case (flashes a big smile). In fact, we have already got a stay from the honourable court. We will certainly call pest control, not to kill them, but to move them to a safe location. We intend to set up a park and memorial for termites. You see they have saved us so much money in this case. We need to give it back to them.

URT: Is it true that PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) have come out in support of you for protecting termites and not causing any harm to them. Some PETA activists have even offered to do a full Monty in support of you

AMS: This is true. I was contacted by them last week. They praised me for giving termites a free hand. Three Hollywood and a few Bollywood ambassadors have decided to shun their clothes to express solidarity with termites and create more awareness about this.

URT: Do you see this move by the IT department political motivated?

AMS: Of course, there is no denying that. In fact, we strongly oppose government’s Swachh Bharat movement as well. Swachh Bharat is aimed at getting rid of all termites from government offices and other places. Termites played a great role in the Coal scam as well. They helped us by eating all the important files. Swachh Bharat disturbs the secular and inclusive idea of India, we oppose this tooth and nail.

URT: Thanks for speaking to us.

AMS: Welcome.

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In Pictures: How Manohar Parrikar got even with Bilawal Bhutto and Pakistan Sat, 22 Nov 2014 04:42:52 +0000 Ashwin Kumar Spurred by Bilawal’s rants, Pakistan rangers have been repeatedly violated ceasefire on LoC and the International border, putting Defense Minister Manohar Parrikar under pressure from day 1. How did Parrikar respond?









Ab aayega mazaa! = Now we’ll have fun!











Sigh. These guys will never reform.

(Image thumbnail sources: 4a, 8b1719b. Rest via

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Facebook Wall: Reactions to US President Barack Obama attending India’s Republic Day as Chief Guest Fri, 21 Nov 2014 18:12:58 +0000 UnReal Mama Prime Minister Narendra Modi sent mainstream and social media alike into a tizzy after Barack Obama accepted his invite to attend India’s Republic Day celebration as the Chief Guest. Reactions poured in on Twitter and Facebook. The UnReal Times correspondent Mark Zuckerpandian brings you an exclusive compilation of snapshots from President Obama’s wall:

(With inputs from Ashwin Kumar)

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