The UnReal Times http://www.theunrealtimes.com India's favorite satire, spoof, parody and humour portal - Politics, Cricket, Business, Governance, Technology, Foreign Affairs and more Mon, 27 Jun 2016 02:19:55 +0000 en-US hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.4.2 TRANSCRIPT: Closed door meeting of the Indian Sports Federation in Parishttp://www.theunrealtimes.com/2016/06/27/transcript-closed-door-meeting-of-the-indian-sports-federation-in-paris/ http://www.theunrealtimes.com/2016/06/27/transcript-closed-door-meeting-of-the-indian-sports-federation-in-paris/#comments Mon, 27 Jun 2016 00:40:20 +0000 Suresh Subrahmanyan http://www.theunrealtimes.com/?p=45348

(Image via intoday.in)

It has come to the notice of the Indian Sports Federation that a number of sportspersons of Indian origin, who are settled abroad, are representing with distinction, their respective countries. In the process, India is losing precious sporting talent. To discuss this serious issue, an emergency meeting was convened recently in Paris, of the Federation’s working committee, headed by the Minister of Sports. Seven members of the Federation flew in to Paris last week, and were checked in to the plush George V hotel, just off the Champs Elysees. The UnReal Times was able to obtain a transcript of the proceedings, which we reproduce below:-

Minister of Sports (MOS) – “Good morning, Gentlemen. We have all assembled in Paris to get a first hand impression of the Euro Cup, with particular reference to players of Indian origin. Who wants to go first?”

Karnataka Sports Minister (KSM) – “I will go first, Sir. To the Parc de Prince, to watch Spain take on Croatia.”

MOS – “Are there any players of Indian origin in either of these teams?”

KSM – “My investigations have revealed that Spain’s Bartra, Koke and Ramos are sixth generation descendants, respectively, from the families of Batra from Tarn Taran, Kukke from Kukke Subramanya and Ramoji Rao from Guntur. Couldn’t find anyone from Croatia, but I am probing this Rakitic’s possible link to the Rakshits of Jhumritalaya.”

MOS – “Excellent. Enjoy the game and report back to me. Next? Ah, the Bengal Sports Minister. Kamon aachen?”

Bengal Sports Minister (BSM) – “Bhaalo Sir. I am meeting some Mohun Bagan and East Bengal players at the match between Bhales and Shlobhakya. They are gibhing me some secret teeps about Bhales’s star player Garot Bhel. What a phree kick he took against England Sar. That too from the haaph line. Daroon! Even Shyam Thapa would be proud of that left footed caarbh ball.

MOS – “Curve ball? Ok, I think I got some of that. What about you, the Minister from Goa?”

Goa Sports Minister (GSM) – “Don’t even know where to start, Sir. The entire Portugal team can trace their origins to Goa. And a few from Spain as well. I seek a two month extension of my stay in Europe to continue my research in Lisbon and Barcelona.”

MOS – “What a good idea. I’ll join you. Now what about this Neil Taylor chap from Wales? He shot the second goal against Russia. BSM, did you know his mother is from Kolkata?”

BSM – “Urre Baba. Let me google. Yes Sar, his maternal grandfather played for Kalighat. He named his grandson Nilanjan, but in Swansea, naam ta kete Neil korecche”.

MOS – “Why can’t you speak proper English, Dada? Right, we are running out of time. I’ll take opinions from the other members tomorrow. Matches are starting in an hour’s time. Must rush. All right, I’ll allow one last comment from the honourable Minister from Tamil Nadu.”

Tamil Nadu Sports Minister (TNSM) – “Long live Amma. May she continue to guide and rule us in Tamil Nadu for eternity.”

MOS – “Is that some kind of embedded comment on the subject under review? We are discussing the future of Indian sports.”

TNSM – “Ayyayyo, please be patient Sir. Invoking the blessings of Amma, I hereby announce a donation of 100 grams gold, one TV set, one mixer grinder, one refrigerator and a free supply of provisions from any Amma shop in Tamil Nadu for one year. This will be applicable to all sports persons of Tamil origin residing in Europe, whether from India or Sri Lanka – provided they migrate to Tamil Nadu”.

MOS – “But there are no known Tamil origin sports persons in Europe!”

TNSM – “Then I will fly today only to the USA, sir. But first I want to go the Hermes store and buy some nice scarves for my dear Amma”.

MOS – “I am declaring this meeting closed. Get me an aspirin someone.”

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11 best captions: What is PM Narendra Modi telling Dr. Subramanian Swamy?http://www.theunrealtimes.com/2016/06/27/11-best-captions-what-is-pm-narendra-modi-telling-dr-subramanian-swamy/ http://www.theunrealtimes.com/2016/06/27/11-best-captions-what-is-pm-narendra-modi-telling-dr-subramanian-swamy/#comments Mon, 27 Jun 2016 00:36:46 +0000 Ashwin Kumar http://www.theunrealtimes.com/?p=45351 We had earlier asked our readers to come up with cool captions for the picture below:

What is PM Narendra Modi telling Dr. Subramanian Swamy? Here are the top 11 responses The UnReal Times received:

Bhai tu kiski team main hai?

( “Whose team are you in, brother?” ) By @flukypunditry

Samajh nahi aa raha..raaita bana rahe ho ya phaila rahe ho?

( I don’t understand, are you making or spilling raita? ) by @coolfunnytshirt 

Ab mujhe resign karne mat bol dena

( Now don’t you tell me to resign! ) by @iankursingh 

If I have 56 inch chest you have a 56 inch tongue.

by @k_vishwakarma 

RaGa ke naye jokes to bata!

( Do tell me new Rahul Gandhi jokes ) by @ashwinisrani 

Swamy, please target and bash me .Then all the media & left liberals will start defending me

by @daarusutta

Yaar ye PT, TDK, R3 jaise mast abbreviation kaha se laate ho?

( My friend, from where do you get awesome abbreviations like PT, TDK and R3? )  by @shaitaankhopdi 

Abe `Arvind ko target karo Subramanyam’ aisa bola tha. Arvind subramanyam ko nahi.

( I said “Please target Arvind, Subramanian,” NOT “Please target Arvind Subramanian.” ) by @zealmean 

Swacch Bharat abhiyan ko jyada hi seriously le liya bhai

( You’re taking the Swachh Bharat Abhiyan a little too seriously, brother! ) by @im_yyk

Shatrughan Sinha ka kuch kar bhai..

( Do something about Shatrugan Sinha, brother!) by @mohit_sethi23

Enna ma? Ipdi panreengale ma?

( What, maa? You’re doing like this, maa? ) by @preethi_krishna

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Brexit Impact: EU ropes in Shashi Tharoor to make another speech demanding reparations from Britainhttp://www.theunrealtimes.com/2016/06/27/brexit-impact-eu-ropes-in-shashi-tharoor-to-make-another-speech-demanding-reparations-from-britain/ http://www.theunrealtimes.com/2016/06/27/brexit-impact-eu-ropes-in-shashi-tharoor-to-make-another-speech-demanding-reparations-from-britain/#comments Mon, 27 Jun 2016 00:30:27 +0000 Ashwin Kumar http://www.theunrealtimes.com/?p=45345 Devastated by Britain’s vote in favor of secession from it, the European Union has roped in Indian Congress MP Shashi Tharoor to, once again, deliver a speech demanding reparations from it.

(Image via intoday.in)

“We have seen Shashi do it in all style, class and elegance earlier. It was something even the Modi bhakts couldn’t stop themselves from hailing and now, we want him to do it again. Britain owes us a lot and they bloody well pay up soon,” EU president Donald Tusk told The UnReal Times, adding that on first thoughts, that’s the best they could do. “We’re in a state of extreme shock right now and we’re unable to come up with something more logical. We’re sure Shashi will live up to our expectations. By the time he finishes delivering a stunning speech, we’d have come up with something,” Tusk added.

The EU also found support from former Press Council of India chairman, Justice Markandey Katju, though tacit. “Had Gandhi or Tilak been alive today, they would’ve celebrated the news. Because they were British agents,” Katju said, before terming 90% of the British population “Bloody Fools.”

Congress party leaders poured in their congratulations to Dr. Tharoor. “What has the bloody chaiwala achieved with all his foreign tours, if the EU still banks on our leaders, who are blessed by Soniaji and Rahulji, to help them out? Inhe hathaiye, hume laaiye!” ( Get these folks out, get us in! ) thundered Tharoor’s in-party rival, Mani Shankar Aiyar, in a rare moment of bonhomie. The BJP, however, hit right back, as it received requests from Britain to help dethrone David Cameron. “They’ve asked us to send Subramanian Swamy and Ravi Shankar Prasad over there to pressurize Cameron to step down as soon as possible instead of October,” BJP president Amit Shah stated.

The Congress was soon joined by the Aam Aadmi Party, who lambasted PM Modi for #Brexit. “Modiji hugged Cameron and look what happened now. It looks like divisive attitude is contagious and spreads through hugs. That’s why I’ve never allowed Modiji to hug me. In fact, after the Lalu episode, I’ve not allowed anyone to hug me. Not even The Ashutosh,” Delhi CM Kejriwal lashed out.

In a phone call to The UnReal Times, UK Independence Party chief Nigel Farage, however, revealed a different sequence of events. “I’ve been watching this bloke Kanhaiya and his ‘Azaadi’ rallies. They were bloody inspirational to each one of us!” Farage said, before adding that all his MPs were prepared for the Tharoor speech, with Oxford dictionaries in their hands.

In related news, a few Bollywood stars have blamed Brexit for Salman Khan’s recent controversial statement. “Salman bhai is the one with a heart of gold. The tragic news of Brexit, which was imminent then, disturbed him so much to extent of making him mouth such an inanity. Poor thing!” one such Bollywood star said.

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TRANSCRIPT: The UnReal Times interviews the key persons behind the Anil Kumble appointmenthttp://www.theunrealtimes.com/2016/06/26/transcript-the-unreal-times-interviews-the-key-persons-behind-the-anil-kumble-appointment/ http://www.theunrealtimes.com/2016/06/26/transcript-the-unreal-times-interviews-the-key-persons-behind-the-anil-kumble-appointment/#comments Sun, 26 Jun 2016 00:45:46 +0000 Suresh Subrahmanyan http://www.theunrealtimes.com/?p=45342

(Image via intoday.in)

So the cat is finally out of the bag. After much media speculation about who will be saddled with the onerous responsibility of coaching the Indian cricket team, the BCCI announced, in Dharamsala, the appointment of former Karnataka and India skipper Anil Kumble, as the new head coach. The selection screenings were held in Kolkata. At 45 years of age and having retired not so long ago, it was felt that Kumble will not be viewed as a ‘boss figure’ like Greg Chappell, but will be accepted by the team more as ‘one of them’. The UnReal Times, fleet of foot and quick to jump on the bandwagon, fanned out across the country to get reactions from various ‘interested’ people.

Anurag Thakur (AT), President, BCCI

The UnReal Times (URT) – “Your first reactions on Kumble’s choice, Sir?”

AT – “You can have my first, second and third reactions. It’s a great choice that Sachin, Saurav and Laxman have made. The three wise men, as you media chaps have dubbed them. This great non leg spin googly bowler has great experience and maturity and he will do a great job”.

URT – “Sorry, did you say non leg spin googly bowler?”

AT – “Yes, Anil never turned the ball, one way or the other. He got so many wickets because the batsman, thinking he was a leg spinner, played for the turn which never came, and were deceived. Shane Warne told me this, with a touch of envy.”

Sachin Tendulkar (SRT) – Need we say more?

URT – “Sachin, what clinched it for Anil? Wasn’t it neck and neck with Shastri?”

SRT – “Anil has some great contacts in the software capital, Bangalore. So he put together a dazzling multi-media presentation, with some amazing graphics and special effects. We didn’t understand a word of what was going on, so we had to assume it was the best pitch. And we decided to give the job to him. Ravi Shastri was sound, but he kept harping on Virat to be made captain across all formats, which kind of queered the pitch, ha ha, for him.”

Saurav Ganguly (Dada) – Need we say more?

URT – “Dada, was the choice of Kumble unanimous?”

Dada – “Well, VVS was gunning for Tom Moody, what with his Hyderabad Sunrisers connection. Sachin, whatever he may have told you, was dead keen on Shastri, what with his Mumbai connection. I had Deep Dasgupta in my shortlist, but the blighter never showed up.. He missed his No.24 tram from Gariahat, and also the connecting No.33 bus from Hazra Road / Chetla crossing. This, after I promised him Ola taxi fare. Shot himself in the foot. A kind of own goal. So naturally we all decided on Anil. Unanimously.”

VVS Laxman (VVS) – he of the supple wrists, Azhar’s Hyderabadi clone

URT – “VVS, what was the telling factor behind Anil’s selection?”

VVS – “Between you and me, I was not keen on Anil. I have taken so many catches off his bowling standing in the slips, but all the credit goes to him. Tom Moody was my pick, but Sachin and Saurav could not understand a word he was saying, in his thick Western Australian accent. I was able follow him because of weeks of practice sharing a room with him while we were doing duty for the Sunrisers. But players like, Sran, Mandeep, Chahal, Wriddhiman and so on, will be completely lost. So I guess it had to be Anil.”

Virat Kohli (VK) – India’s heart throb captain

URT – “Virat, as India’s test captain, what do you think of Kumble as your coach?”

VK – “Look, in case you missed it, Anil Bhai has been appointed coach for just one year. All the test matches during this period will be played in India, something like 13 tests. On our feather beds, we should be able to win all the matches, and I will break every single batting record that exists. So, ki farak painda?”

M.S. Dhoni (MSD) – need we say more?

URT – “MS, what values will Kumble bring to the limited format of the game?”

MSD – “That is a complex question and deserves a complex answer. See, you may have forgotten, but I took over from Anil Bhai as captain for the tests, and I was also parallely the captain of the ODI team when he was still the test captain. Then he injured his finger and I took over against the Aussies in India, and he retired before the series ended. All this has to be properly analysed before I can give you a straightforward answer. But Anil Bhai is also a very analytical man, so both of us should have a great time analyzing and over analyzing everything under the sun. Finally, Anil Bhai has been given a one year term. So if I retire by that time, which some people are hoping, then I can also present my credentials to be the coach of the team next year.”

URT – “ Wow.Thank you MS, for that excruciatingly detailed and insightful explanation. We understand. We think.”

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Conjuring 3: Bangalore cars play Vidya Balan shauchalaya ads even when radio is offhttp://www.theunrealtimes.com/2016/06/26/conjuring-3-bangalore-cars-play-vidya-balan-shauchalaya-ads-even-when-radio-is-off/ http://www.theunrealtimes.com/2016/06/26/conjuring-3-bangalore-cars-play-vidya-balan-shauchalaya-ads-even-when-radio-is-off/#comments Sun, 26 Jun 2016 00:35:57 +0000 Ramesh Soundararajan http://www.theunrealtimes.com/?p=45328 The horror movie Conjuring 2 has been released and is doing well across India. The movie deals with haunted houses and how a couple helps families with lots of girl children exorcise something from beyond. The ghost makes things go in the dead of night. TVs come on, toys run, knocking sounds are heard and so on. Essentially, a lot of reactions without any action.

From the last month, a techie in Bangalore has complained of having been facing a similar problem in his car. This is what Chandrasekhar Pai experienced, in his own words:

“I stay in Banashankari. But my office is in Manyata Tech Park. It is a bad commute. Occasionally I have seen women go on maternity leave when I leave for office but return from the leave by the time I reach office. Nothing unusual otherwise.

I bought a new car last year and have been taking it to office. I have a driver also. I listen to FM all the way through, when I do not have conference calls. I usually listen to English songs, but can hear Kannada and Hindi songs as well. Fifteen days back, my driver sounded very agitated. So, I left an important employee engagement event and ran down. He pointed to the car. It was shut, off but we could hear some noise.

Then he opened the car and the noise starting coming – “ Jahan Soch, Wahan Shouchalaya” . It kept repeating in a loop. What to do? After some time, it shut off. The other day there was a mosquito in the car. Even as we were pulling the glass down to chase it away, the radio on its own started playing the ad of Vidya Balan talking to flies!

This is acceptable. But last week, I had switched it off as I was getting into a conference call with a client. She was saying that one of my team members Shahid, was the real hero of the project. Suddenly, the radio came on with Vidya Balan saying “ Asli heroine to Priyanka Bharati” . This freaked the client out and we had to abort the call.

I have also invested in a flat. I visited the flat construction site and was happily listening to Rihanna on a CD. But even before I switched on the ignition to return home, the radio started asking “ Shauchalaya banwawo aur istamal karo” in a loop. The basement has been just put up. How can we put a toilet?

I thought it is because of the longer commutes due to rain and saturation coverage of these ads that this is happening. The service center says they are beginning to get these complaints, but so far, there doesn’t seem to have been any cure.

I approached a tantric. He hails from an engineering background. He asked me what kind of material I carry in my laptop. I said the usual; Presentations on machine learning and AI etc. He offered an insight: may be they have used an advanced chipset on the audio that is able to read what I am doing on ppt and then customize itself. What we are seeing can happen once the audio has heard the same message for more than 100,000 times within a short period. It has become like a smart parrot, who can rattle Vidya Balan messages whenever it feels the need!

My driver has quit. He has no problem with car acting up, but would appreciate if it repeats catchy numbers than this toilet business. Anyway there are no toilets to be availed during a long commute!

I have finally reached out to the health ministry. They told me that they are in the process of coming out with a “shauchalaya app” to improve hygiene. One can log into it and see how many new toilets have been constructed across the country.

How does it help with my car? I am thinking of getting the pair on whose experiences Conjuring movies are based on.”

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Arvind Kejriwal Reaches Out To EU, promises “Dentry” to make up for Brexithttp://www.theunrealtimes.com/2016/06/26/arvind-kejriwal-reaches-out-to-eu-promises-dentry-to-make-up-for-brexit/ http://www.theunrealtimes.com/2016/06/26/arvind-kejriwal-reaches-out-to-eu-promises-dentry-to-make-up-for-brexit/#comments Sun, 26 Jun 2016 00:30:10 +0000 Venkat Shankar http://www.theunrealtimes.com/?p=45335 The beleaguered European Union, which has been buffeted by crisis after crisis, now readies itself to contend with its most serious challenge since inception. The world is in a spin, markets are in a tizzy and doomsday predictions are the order of the day.

(Image via intoday.in)

In such a precarious situation, Mr. Donald Tusk, President of the European Council, made a public appearance this morning and seemed to be in a mood that could only be described as paradoxically sunny. However, The UnReal Times team based in Poland had pieced together the story in no time and it appears that the root cause for Mr. Tusk’s mood swing was located in the Indian capital, Delhi.

Sources close to Mr. Tusk revealed that AAP supremo and Delhi PM CM Arvind Kejriwal had had a telephonic conversation with Mr. Tusk and had committed that the exit of Britain need not worry the EU as Delhi would step in its place and become part of the EU, giving birth to the new coinage, Dentry. Over the course of the chat, Mr. Kejriwal had enumerated the various advantages that would accrue to the EU following this move. For instance, as a first objective to retain the remaining members of EU, they are said to have discussed the possibilities of giving all the council members a 400% increase in their salaries and a villa in Monte Carlo. This could be soon followed by a move to constitute an Internal Affairs Council that would be headed by Arvind Kejriwal and will investigate all complaints related to the functioning of EU and will also rule on matters like validity of referendums that may be held in various countries. Mr. Kejriwal is supposed to have also suggested that the EU regularly hold dharnas outside the UN Headquarters every week, apart from bringing into effect, things like the Odd-Even rule in EU countries. Mr. Tusk is supposed to have seen the immense potential of these ideas to uplift EU citizens’ life, apart from the corollary benefit of keeping the focus elsewhere.

“Of course, before Dentry there has to be Dexit from India. We understand that Mr. Kejriwal has already floated that balloon and is mooting a Deferendum – a referendum for Delhi to become a state. From there to holding a referendum to exit India altogether is a short step. We were also given to understand that Mr. Kejriwal will conduct an SMS poll and that AAP has perfected the art of obtaining desired results from such SMS polls. As the Deferendum will be conducted by, and results will be collated and validated by, AAP implies that this is all just a procedural formality. We look forward to Delcome – short for Delhi’s welcome to EU,” our source chuckled. “I can also reveal in confidence that, post elections in the neighbouring state of Punjab in Feb 2017, Mr. Kejriwal has promised to ensure Peferendum, Pexit and Pentry, all in quick sequence.”

Closer home, the AAP headquarters was wearing a festive look. AAP spokesperson Raghav Chadha said, “We are now aiming high. Forget PM of India – we now want to head a continent, not just a country. That takes us closer towards contesting the US elections in 2020. Also, we hear that the work ethic in most parts of Europe, like France and Italy, is fantastic. Just 5 hours of work a day, no work on weekends – no fool can ask us why we are on social media all day and when we work. And these firangs in EU can learn a thing or two about diversion and disruption from us. But, we have to re-prioritize our targets and learn to go after the big fish of EU so that we will be taken seriously.”

Shortly thereafter, the following series of tweets emanated from Mr. Arvind Kejriwal:

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The (Un)Real Story behind Salman Khan’s remarkshttp://www.theunrealtimes.com/2016/06/25/the-unreal-story-behind-salman-khans-remarks/ http://www.theunrealtimes.com/2016/06/25/the-unreal-story-behind-salman-khans-remarks/#comments Sat, 25 Jun 2016 01:00:00 +0000 Vinita Krishnamurthy http://www.theunrealtimes.com/?p=45332

(Image via intoday.in)

So everyone hit the roof when a certain (in)sensitive remark was made by actor Salman Khan about his grueling schedule in his forthcoming movie “Sultan”. His father Salim Khan quickly issued an apology sending out a message to the likes of Messrs. Arnab Goswami and his ilk that no one wanted to appear on their cacophonic debates. What irked the electronic and social media was that Bollywood has chosen to maintain prudent silence on the issue. But the truth is…. considering Salman has a not-so-impeccable record in his relationships with women, the fact that he could actually identify with a traumatised woman left the film fraternity speechless.

Among the current crop of actresses only Kangana Ranaut ventured to say that the thought process (behind the remark) was faulty but pointed out that no fingers were to be pointed. And then Renuka Shahane tweeted that there is consent given by actors when they accept a certain role…..

This is why NCW chairperson Lalitha Kumaramangalam took suo motu cognizance of the remarks and issued a summons to the actor in connection with the remarks.

“Yes, we empathise with him. You see, so many times in the case of women, even the courts say that there was a consensual relationship. We are therefore seeking a clarification from him,” she confirmed. “We would also like him to consider a cameo in a short ad-film that deals with sexual abuse called ‘Start with the men,’ “she said.

When asked whether such remarks reflected the mindset of the person, she offered no direct comment but said that the average Bollywood mindset in making movies was somewhat like a string quartet – too violent, a violation and a Chammak challo.

In Bollywood, several felt Ms. Kumaramangalam had made an important point and that Khan needed to be praised for his dedication and defended for his plainspeak. For Nawazuddin Siddiqui the “intent” was not wrong. Director Subhash Ghai who had said that Salman was a child rued the fact that only negative minds could cruelly misinterpret the remark that was made with child-like innocence and with no intention to outrage.

“We are thinking of making a movie called “What women don’t want” and now I can visualise Salman in the leading role. See how well he identifies with it …. Kamal Haasan or Ravi Kishen have merely dressed as women for their respective roles, Salman would be living the role even off-camera….he is perfect.”

Many concurred with the veteran film maker and agreed that Salman was merely connecting with his feminine self.
At the end of the day, although Anurag Kashyap averred that it was a stupid thing to say, the film fraternity decided that Sallu’s image could not be sullied. He is the child, the quintessential macho man and now he has the perception of a woman. Surely nobody can find fault this paragon —after all, he’s only Being Human, isn’t he?

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Britain now reaches out to RSS, says interested in joining “Akhand Bharat”http://www.theunrealtimes.com/2016/06/25/britain-now-reaches-out-to-rss-says-interested-in-joining-akhand-bharat/ http://www.theunrealtimes.com/2016/06/25/britain-now-reaches-out-to-rss-says-interested-in-joining-akhand-bharat/#comments Sat, 25 Jun 2016 00:30:59 +0000 Ashwin Kumar http://www.theunrealtimes.com/?p=45325 Freshly seceded from the European Union, Britain has already had its leadership hold high-level meetings with leaders from India’s Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh, expressing their desire to be a part of the latter’s “Akhand Bharat” project. The organization’s dream project, which seeks to unite India with Pakistan, Afghanistan, Sri Lanka, Nepal, Bhutan, Bangladesh and Myanmar might also see Britain added to the list, if the talks go smoothly.

( Image via dailymail.co.uk )

BJP leader Ram Madhav, who has in the past, openly advocated his desire, expressed delight at Britain’s decision. “Karma is truly a 5-letter word. Those who ruled us for more than a century are coming right back to us. How cool is that?!” Madhav told The UnReal Times, before excusing himself to see what Vice-President Hamid Ansari was up to.

Britain’s stance has drawn feverish levels of support and flak in equal measure. “It is not for nothing that we said that Modi was vindictive. Having troubled our party and my dear Pakistan for 2 years now, he now wants to trouble the British as well. His bloody head is as hot as the bloody tea he makes,” thundered Congress spokesperson Mani Shankar Aiyar, convincingly conveying the party’s ire. Aiyar was soon accompanied by Digvijaya Singh, who, after licking his lips in delight, tore into the Sangh. “The Sangh did not have any role to play in the freedom struggle, so they want to bring the British here again and then liberate India again. That is their ulterior motive and such is their shamelessness,” the former MP Chief Minister added, before attending to a long phone call from his household.

In a bizarre twist of fate, however, Samajwadi Party bigwig Azam Khan supported the RSS this time. “Once Akhand Bharat is formed, we’ll at least see an end to the Adityanaths, Prachis and Maharajs yelling ‘Go to Pakistan’ at the drop of a hat,” Khan said, before cheering himself with the fact that it would be far easier for him to undertake study tours with his buffaloes in London, post the Britain-Akhand Bharat union.

In London, however, the idea has been labelled a “conspiracy theory” by local residents Vijay Mallya and Lalit Modi, who claimed that the proposed union was an elaborate ploy by India to do away with deportation procedures and nab them red-handed.

An optimistic British PM David Cameron, though on notice period, stated that he was confident of PM Modi’s acceptance of the proposal. “My last name almost sounds like something PM Modi absolutely loves – camera on. That ought to do it!” winked the outgoing British PM.

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http://www.theunrealtimes.com/2016/06/25/britain-now-reaches-out-to-rss-says-interested-in-joining-akhand-bharat/feed/ 0 cameron garland ( Image via dailymail.co.uk )
AAP’s new PR firm clarifies deal; says they’ve actually hired AAP for their own PRhttp://www.theunrealtimes.com/2016/06/24/aaps-new-pr-firm-clarifies-deal-says-theyve-actually-hired-aap-for-their-own-pr/ http://www.theunrealtimes.com/2016/06/24/aaps-new-pr-firm-clarifies-deal-says-theyve-actually-hired-aap-for-their-own-pr/#comments Fri, 24 Jun 2016 04:22:41 +0000 Ashwin Kumar http://www.theunrealtimes.com/?p=45321 The Aam Aadmi Party’s latest endeavor, that of entering into a deal with Dilip Cherian’s Public Relations Firm “Perfect Relations,” has invited sharp criticism from its rivals. The Indian Regional National Congress and the ruling Bharatiya Janata Party spared no time in tearing into what seemed to them like yet another extravagant expenditure by the party.

(Image via intoday.in)

The matter, however, was soon defused with the PR firm itself coming out in the open, stating that the deal was, in fact, the other way round. “Our partnership is not what it looks like. Truth be told, it is us who have hired the Aam Aadmi Party for our own PR. In the Aam Aadmi Party, we have a truly unbelievable world-class publicity forum, the levels of which can be leveraged to do PR for PR firms itself. And that’s exactly what we’re doing. Our PR firm can’t possibly have a bigger advertisement than this,” an ecstatic Cherian told The UnReal Times.

Throwing some light on the rationale behind the deal, Cherian explained, “Our tie-up with the Ministry of Women and Child Development has been a disaster. Nothing good has come out of the deal either for the ministry, or for us. Modi bhakts still hate me and along with rival party supporters, they hate Maneka Gandhi too. Whether the ministry of WCD does so or not, it was definitely time we upped our game. So we decided to latch on to the AAP for a year. The next 12 months are going to be a jolly ride. Every single day, Kejriwal is going to throw about a dozen tantrums against Modi and the media is going to pounce on it like its fish bait. The best part? For every attack, our name will come up and soon, we’ll become a household name.”

Cherian, however, added that this reverse-PR strategy wasn’t new. “APCO already did it years ago, by tying up with Modi and I’m pretty sure this whole Corey Lewandowski ouster is an elaborate and deliberate ploy by Corey and Donald Trump to prop up the former to dizzying heights of fame,” he added.

In contrast to its party’s stance, the WCD ministry welcomed the move. “Let them become famous and make us also famous,” Maneka Gandhi said. Joining her in her position was BJP contrarian MP Shatrugan Sinha, who hailed the deal and conveyed his best wishes to AAP and Perfect Relations.

PM Modi, has, however, called for an urgent meeting with the WCD minister, asking her to cancel their engagement with Perfect Relations. “If you want publicity, there are much more cost-effective and foolproof ways of doing it. Like me making Subramanian Swamy demanding your resignation and unleashing him on you guys. Meet me soon, let’s discuss,” the PM is supposed to have sternly stated.

(Disclaimer: We’re aware that this article itself, may look like some PR-work for the PR firm. But believe you us, it’s not.)

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http://www.theunrealtimes.com/2016/06/24/aaps-new-pr-firm-clarifies-deal-says-theyve-actually-hired-aap-for-their-own-pr/feed/ 0 kejri boxer (Image via intoday.in)
Couple breaks up in the restaurant over the poor quality selfie taken by the boyfriendhttp://www.theunrealtimes.com/2016/06/24/couple-breaks-up-in-the-restaurant-over-the-poor-quality-selfie-taken-by-the-boyfriend/ http://www.theunrealtimes.com/2016/06/24/couple-breaks-up-in-the-restaurant-over-the-poor-quality-selfie-taken-by-the-boyfriend/#comments Fri, 24 Jun 2016 00:30:44 +0000 Citizen Satirist http://www.theunrealtimes.com/?p=45314 Saturday night last week turned out to be a disaster for a Bangalore girl, Pushpa, who set out to celebrate the weekend with her boyfriend, Manohar, but returned without a single selfie to upload on Facebook. Everybody knows that weekend is that time of the week when couples go out and do a grand Facebook check-in ceremony with selfies across India, while singles stay at home and do seemingly boring things, like breathing.

(Image via shutterstock.com, used for representation only)

According to the waiter, the couple was having a good time until the food arrived upon which the girl demanded for a couple selfie. Her boyfriend took 8 or 9 photos but she, like PM Modi, insisted for more and with better angles. When she failed to get a satisfactory selfie, she shouted, “Goddammit I got threaded, plucked and waxed for this?” and stormed out of the restaurant.

Later, Pushpa logged into her Facebook account and updated her status with the “feeling sad” emoji and shared a motivational quote that read “If you are depressed, please don’t be depressed”, reported to have been said by Gandhiji.

“The only time I don’t get clicked is when I visit my gynecologist”, she told The UnReal Times, and added, “Nothing is more important to a recently committed girl than the number of ‘Likes’ her first couple selfie gets.”

When asked why she did not take the selfie herself, Pushpa said, “Whether it’s a random, spur-of-the-moment snapshot or a well-thought-out composition, only men with their longer arms can cover a wider area. If there is one body part we want longer in our men –“, she paused for a second, as if in thought, then added, “– it’s their hands!”

Our reporter tried to reach out to Manohar but he seemed busy practicing with a selfie stick, so we decided to let him be.

His friend Banti spoke to us though. “Such break-ups usually lead men into taking suicidal steps, like arranged marriages,” he said, and added with a bit of profundity, “Selfies are the public representation of an intimate moment which has lost its sense of intimacy. Every couple photo is just the two of them looking at different directions. I hate couples!”

“And, I would not be talking like this if I had a girlfriend,” he added, off the record.

(Submitted by Citizen Satirist Rajesh. He tweets here)

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http://www.theunrealtimes.com/2016/06/24/couple-breaks-up-in-the-restaurant-over-the-poor-quality-selfie-taken-by-the-boyfriend/feed/ 0 couple selfie (Image via shutterstock.com, used for representation only)