The UnReal Times India's favorite satire, spoof, parody and humour portal - Politics, Cricket, Business, Governance, Technology, Foreign Affairs and more Sat, 25 Oct 2014 05:23:40 +0000 en-US hourly 1 In Tweets: Indian celebrities welcome Queen Elizabeth II on Twitter Sat, 25 Oct 2014 05:23:39 +0000 Ashwin Kumar Queen Elizabeth II brought the online world to a standstill yesterday, when she sent out her first tweet, in a grand occasion at the London Science Museum. Her Majesty’s tweet elicited a series of reactions from Indian celebrities too. The UnReal Times Twitter correspondent Hashtag Jones brings you this exclusive compilation:










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War on ISIS takes a decisive turn after NATO airdrops Happy New Year DVDs in ISIS held areas Sat, 25 Oct 2014 02:40:54 +0000 UnReal Mama

ISIS fighters surrendering to HNY (Image via

The war on ISIS took a dramatic turn early on Friday morning, when NATO jets led by the United States of America bombarded ISIS held territories in Iraq and Syria with HD DVDs and Blue-Ray discs of Farah Khan’s latest SRK starrer, “Happy New Year”.

After the minimum arming duration of 184 minutes – incidentally equivalent to the length of “Happy New Year” – all hell broke loose in ISIS held cities of Mosul, Udhaim, Fallujah, Sharqat and Hawija. Armed terrorists ran helter-skelter firing indiscriminately, and hordes of ISIS fighters jumped off the cliffs, resulting in massive casualties within a matter of hours.

“This is the most number of ISIS fighters we have been able to kill in a single day since the air-raids began. The new weapons have been 1500% more effective than the 500 pound laser guided bombs we’ve been dropping so far,” said John Carson, NATO commander in Iraq. “It is madness, really.”

The following day, there was a brief moment of panic in the American and British control rooms when the ISIS released another video of what the coalition nations feared to be the beheading of another Western hostage. Officials grew frantic in the first few moments of the clip when the camera zoomed in on dreaded executioner, Jihadi John. Nerves eased a few seconds later when it was revealed that there was no hostage in the video. Instead it was Jihadi John, dressed in an orange robe, who murmured a few apologetic sentences before beheading himself in a grisly fashion. “The guy simply lopped his head off without a moment’s thought,” murmured a dumbfounded Jim Brady, one of the first few officials to have watched the video.

The development has come as a terrific boost to Kurdish forces who have been involved in a pitched battle with ISIS fighters in Kobane. “All credit to the coalition forces for helping us by air-dropping weapons in our territory and HNY DVDs in the enemy territory. We did worry for a while that the airplanes might make a mistake and switch the packages, but thank God, nothing like that happened,” said Sores Hassan, a fighter from the Kurdish Peshmerga, before skipping out towards his mates in a crude imitation of Abhishek Bachchan’s “snake dance”, a move that has reportedly terrorized ISIS forces no end.

The operation has also had a devastating impact on ISIS’s recruitment. Enlistment from different parts of the world has reduced to a trickle. Recent recruits are shell-shocked by the bombardment and are desperate to flee the middle-east. “This is not what I signed up for,” said Abu al-Hameed, a British national, as he nervously scanned the skies over Suleiman Beg, a city yet to be targeted by NATO forces. “Every day we worry if the skies will rain hellfire upon us; every day we wonder if it would be our last, knowing that we are helpless in front of the cringe inducing acting and logic defying storyline,” he shuddered. “This is no way to live.”

NATO, meanwhile, shows no signs of relenting on the bombardment. “This is just the beginning,” said a confident Lloyd J Austin, head of the United States Central Command. “We’ll up the ante in November with Ram Gopal Varma’s ‘Sridevi’, and then perform the coup de grace in the first half of 2015 by airdropping Sajid Khan’s next movie.”

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Tamil Nadu government announces Re 1 boat schemes, Chennaites thrilled Fri, 24 Oct 2014 11:43:47 +0000 Kaushik R

(Image via @chennaiconnect on Twitter)

Much to the delight of Chennaites, Tamil Nadu Chief Minister O. Pannerselvam announced on Friday that the government has decided to launch a Re 1 boat scheme. This comes after a disastrous storm the retreating monsoon hit the city and left many places flooded.

Elaborating on the scheme, the CM said, “Considering that most of the city is underwater, we decided to launch this scheme. People can now buy catamarans for Re 1. Motor boats will be available for Rs 5 and we are planning to launch luxury yachts as well. The intent of the plan is to convert Madras into Venice during the monsoon season. Venice has canals, which are very popular, while Chennai’s roads seem to have become canals after these rains.”

“This scheme will not only help the poor navigate through the city, but will also boost tourism. This proves that Amma is people friendly and her decisions always benefit the people, especially the poor,”  the CM added hastily, before taking out a passport size pic of Jayalalithaa from his shirt pocket and breaking down into fitful sobs.

Reacting to this decision of the government, Dr Subramanian Swamy said, “Jayalalithaa seems to have gotten bail, but it looks like someone needs to bail out her capital city,” and followed it up with his trademark guffaw.

The government’s move, though, seems to be a hit among critics who had called for the restoration of the Buckingham canal, better known to the central government as “Inland navigation canal” and to the local people as “Glorified sewer”. They claim that this scheme may well compensate for the lack of an all-weather canal in the city.

Meanwhile, Congress spokesperson Sanjay Jha tweeted that the Congress would do the same for Mumbai during the next monsoon, if voted into majority. He was reminded by trolls that the elections were long over.

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TRANSCRIPT: Chat between Devendra Fadnavis and Nitin Gadkari ahead of govt formation in Maharashtra Fri, 24 Oct 2014 02:27:41 +0000 Ashwin Kumar All eyes in Maharashtra are on BJP leaders Devendra Fadnavis and Nitin Gadkari, with the mainstream media agog with speculation over who among the two would go on to become the Chief Minister of the state. The two leaders have been in continuing discussions over the matter, even over Google chat. The UnReal Times Google correspondent Sirjee Brin brings you an exclusive copy of the transcript of a chat between the two:

Fadnavis: Yo

Gadkari: Yo

Fadnavis: Wassup?

Gadkari: Nothing much..
gorging on some laddoos! :D
What u upto?
Happy Diwali, btw!

Fadnavis: Haha, nice! Happy Diwali to u too!
Nothing much here…
I hope to have some nice sweets too..
next week, u know, once I become the CM :)

Gadkari: Oh..

Fadnavis: excited, bhai! :)
Just can’t wait for it!
Will be awesome..
to finally do some huge stuff for Maharashtra!

Gadkari: Hmmm..

Fadnavis: What?

Gadkari: Yeah, was just thinking about it.
We need to discuss more on that…

Fadnavis: Oh…

Gadkari: Yeah..
like u know..
have a long, elaborate discussion on it..
and then take an informed decision.
on who the CM has to be..
there r a lot of factors that come into play..

Fadnavis: Yeah, discussion sounds nice..
but I guess it won’t be that hard a decision to make..
after all, u have a lot of ministries with u..
and letting go of them,
finding someone else for it..
is bound to take sometime..
and cause unnecessary inconvenience..
Right? :)

Gadkari: Hmmm..
Hey brb..

Fadnavis: Sure :)

5 minutes later

Gadkari: Back..
Sorry, had gone to refill my plate :P

Fadnavis: Hehe :D

Gadkari: Haan, I get ur point..
but..the thing is..
we’ve got power after so long..
and at least initially..
it sort of makes sense for an experienced, senior person
to take charge, no? :)

Fadnavis: Hmmm..

Gadkari: Once we do well in the first term..
U can take over..makes sense, no? :)
Moreover, many of our MLAs feel the same :)

Fadnavis: Hey phone brb..
Uddhav again! Grrrrr! x-(

5 minutes later

Gadkari: Hehe! :D
Sure :)

Fadnavis: Back..
Ya that’s a good point..
But people these days..
are looking fwd to young leadership more & more
I know I’m not really young..
I’m as old as Pappu :P

Gadkari: Hehe yeah :D
Exactly! :)

Fadnavis: But still..
compared to u, I am :P
Ppl voted us to power, with a need for fresh & young minds
to run the govt, right? :)

Gadkari: Hmmm..

Fadnavis: Don’t get me wrong..
I’m not saying that u’re old & useless..
Of course, even if I become CM,
I’ll obviously bug u every now & then
for guidance..
But I do think we need a fresh face as the CM :)

Gadkari: Hmmm..
Hey gtg now..dinner time!
we’ll talk more on this tomo..
Not that I’m against u..
just feel that we need to discuss properly..
before deciding..
that’s all! I’m ok with either of us as CM..
After all, I can stomach anything ;)

Fadnavis: Sure! :)



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After Dravid, Sehwag sends email to Kevin Pietersen on how to play spin Thu, 23 Oct 2014 11:11:26 +0000 Ajayendar Reddy

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Kevin Pietersen’s recently released autobiography, KP: The Autobiography, among other things, also contains an email that Rahul Dravid had sent to KP on how to play spin. This inspired Viru to shoot off his own email to Pietersen on how he toys with spinners. Our cricket correspondent, Geoffrey Howzatt, managed to get hold this correspondence for the sake of cricket aficionados:


I hope you don’t mind me calling you Peter. Even if you mind, I wouldn’t stop calling you Peter, Peter. LOL!

Peter, I tried to read that letter by Rahul Dravid to you on playing spin but fell asleep when he started talking about footwork. Since you are not unlike me, I guess you must have also got distracted while reading the letter and SMSed a joke or two to Graeme, Smith not Swann. Ok, just kidding. Don’t worry. Not everyone gets Haryanvi humour anyway.

I’ll start with a disclaimer: I have not batted against the two of them [two Bangladeshi bowlers we had been discussing] and also have not been able to watch them in this series.

I’ll follow my disclaimer with a claimer: Though I have not seen them bowl, I know that I would have hit sixes in their first overs. Bowlers need to know their place. Especially, if they are spinners.

If some of what I say makes no sense, then you are an idiot and you can stop reading this letter now. As we know, giving advice is easy, but hitting sixes of spinners is easier.

They do bowl quicker and if the tracks have been turning then it’s always going to be a challenge to most people. Not me, though. Against guys who bowl a bit quicker [and I grew up playing spinners like Munaf Patel and Ashish Nehra], I would look to get my foot out of the way and smash them out of the ground. But then I would do the same to everyone else. You should too.

Footwork is for mere mortals, Peter. The only thing that can mess your mind up is worrying about the footwork. As they say, an idle mind is a Devil’s workshop. To keep my mind off footwork, I always hum a song by Kishore Kumar. You English don’t have geniuses like Kishore da but you can try Susan Boyle, Iron Maiden, Queen or whatever the crap you listen to.

The only batting philosophy I ever believed in is – “See Ball Hit Ball“. Remember, the only good place for a foot is where it is out of the way of the bat swing. Every ball that beats your bat is a ball that you could and should have scored off [I count how often people get beaten]. The only ball that gets you out is the one you don’t hit for a four or six. The only bowler who thinks he’s good is the one you don’t hit over the sight screen.

You can practice a few things though – in the nets try and pick length from the bowler’s hand. And then hit it out of the ground. One good practice is to bat in the nets against your team’s spinners without any protection. No helmet, no pads, no abdominal guards. Just “See Ball Hit Ball“. Have you noticed how every spinner who makes it to Indian team tends to bowl faster and faster every year and drifts towards the legs? It’s because they are trying to hurt me in the nets all the time by bowling faster and faster aiming at my legs. That ruins them alright. Bhajji sometimes hurls them at 130 kmph, a full 10 kmph faster than the fastest ball by our pacer Vinay Kumar.

Peter, you are a genius batsman. Not as much of a genius as me, but genius anyway. You need to trust yourself and clear you head off of the nonsense that is footwork. Under stress, we might start thinking about the footwork and miss the vital philosophy that is “See Ball Hit Ball“. Remember to keep it simple. Back to the basics. Start afresh. And contact Ravi Shashtri for more cliches.

Anyway, I probably rambled on too much. I have to now accompany Gautam Gambhir for a session he is holding at my academy on running between the wickets.


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Nawaz Sharif requests UN to intervene in WICB-BCCI standoff Thu, 23 Oct 2014 02:01:34 +0000 Ashwin Kumar

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Pakistan’s premier Nawaz Sharif has requested United Nations Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon to intervene in the standoff between the BCCI and the WICB. The BCCI has, in a fit of pique, snapped cricketing ties with its Caribbean counterpart, after the West Indian cricketers abruptly pulled out of the ongoing series with India over pay related issues.

The UnReal Times presents an exclusive copy of Sharif’s letter:

Dear Mr.Moon, 

Asalaam Alaikum! 

Yes, once more! I know you’re already going “Oh No! Not again!” but I have to bring to your attention yet another issue of critical importance, relating to snapping of bilateral ties, this time between the BCCI and WICB. I initially considered approaching India’s Baba Siddique with this issue, but his bad loss in the recent elections is perhaps, an indicator of his weaning skill. Hence, I had no choice but to seek your guidance.

The BCCI has already kept us in isolation for a while and it is now trying to do the same thing with the poor WICB. The board is setting a dangerous precedent, trying to dominate the gentleman’s game. We have always been of the view that peace has to be restored through dialogue (in addition to ceasefire violations, terrorist activities and other things)

Inshallah, you will accept our plea and do the needful to restore order and peace between the BCCI, PCB and the WICB and of course, India and Pakistan also.

Will write soon with another complaint :). Khuda Hafiz!

Nawaz Sharif

In related news, the UN Secretary-General has received pleas of a different kind from the AIADMK and DMK, urging his excellency to intervene and ensure that ties between the BCCI and the Sri Lankan Cricket Board also get snapped. “Moon thambi, it’s not just us who is making this plea. Believe you me, it is the whole of India,” DMK chief Karunanidhi tweeted to the United Nations secretariat.

Sources, however, added that senior advocate Ram Jethmalani has decided to fight for the WICB, in the case slapped on it by the BCCI.

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COMIC: Rajdeep Sardesai trolls John Abraham Wed, 22 Oct 2014 15:03:57 +0000 Ajayendar Reddy Earlier this week, Rajdeep Sardesai bumped into John Abraham when he was strolling down the Juhu beach in Mumbai. This is what happened:

Translation for Rajdeep’s line in 2nd row 2nd column: “John, you have an ass, but no class”

(Image thumbnail sources: 1a, 1b, 1c, 1d2a, 2b, 2c)

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COMIC: Indian TV news channels wish viewers Happy Diwali Wed, 22 Oct 2014 04:22:11 +0000 Ashwin Kumar A very Happy Diwali to all you folks from the team behind The UnReal Times! Now that you have received the wishes of the big guns, lets move to some other marginal chaps out there on news channels and find out how they wished their respective viewers:







(Image thumbnail sources: 1a, 1b, 2a, 2b, 3a, 3b, 4a, 4b, 5a, 5b, 6a, 6b, 7a, 7b)

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Stephen Hawking takes on the biggest challenge of his illustrious career: Is there a Modi wave? Wed, 22 Oct 2014 02:02:55 +0000 Venkat Shankar

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Stephen Hawking, the former Lucasian Professor of Mathematics at the University of Cambridge, world-renowned theoretical physicist and author of A Brief History of Time, has taken on the defining challenge of his career. Mr. Hawking today announced that he has commenced work on developing a mathematical model that will answer the key question of our times: “Is there a Modi wave?”

Mr. Hawking said, “Since my childhood days, my curiosity about the world led to various discoveries and theories on Black Holes, the Big Bang and other random stuff. However, as I look back critically on my achievements, I am acutely conscious of the fact that I have kept myself away from the really important questions on how the universe works and I now intend to remedy this. The first step in this journey is to develop a mathematical model to settle, once and for all, one of the most vexatious questions of our times – ‘Is there a Modi Wave?’”

Sources close to the brilliant scientist revealed that Mr. Hawking’s curiosity was piqued when he recently googled for the most frequent news headlines and came upon ‘The Modi Wave’, closely followed by ‘Big Blow To Modi’. “It is a fascinating matter that 1.2 billion people cannot agree on whether a wave exists or not. And it looks like it will keep cropping up every time there is any election in India. It is the duty of science to unravel these mysteries. It would a worthwhile pursuit to develop a mathematical model that would indicate the presence or absence of this wave,” Mr. Hawking observed.

Our sources revealed that upon feeding 1,673 parameters of any election, the model intends to accurately predict whether there was a Modi Wave, and if so, the intensity, to be quantified on a scale of ripple at one end to tsunami at the other. The proposed nomenclature for the complete absence of the phenomenon will be ‘The Rahul Effect’.

Unnamed sources in Mr. Hawking’s research lab say that Mr. Hawking confidently expects this piece of seminal work to land him the Nobel Prize, an achievement that has eluded him until now. The sources added that post developing the MWM (Modi Wave Model), Mr. Hawking has already shortlisted the next few existential questions that he will be developing models around, starting with “Did Modi really receive a blow?”, “How do you identify an Ambani agent?” and “How does the Duckworth-Lewis model really work?”

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COMIC: Harayana CM-elect Manohar Lal Khattar gets a taste of Indian mainstream media Tue, 21 Oct 2014 10:16:42 +0000 Ajayendar Reddy Manohar Lal Khattar’s political career took a giant leap forward after the BJP leadership declared him as the party’s choice for Haryana’s Chief Minister. A jubilant Khattar turned on his TV to check out what the media was saying about him…




(Image thumbnail sources: 1a, 1b, 2a, 2b, 3a, 3b, 4a, 4b)

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