The UnReal Times http://www.theunrealtimes.com India's favorite satire, spoof, parody and humour portal - Politics, Cricket, Business, Governance, Technology, Foreign Affairs and more Thu, 24 Jul 2014 14:59:18 +0000 en-US hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.4.2 In Pictures: When Rahul Gandhi brought joy to the Congresshttp://www.theunrealtimes.com/2014/07/24/in-pictures-when-rahul-gandhi-brought-joy-to-the-congress/ http://www.theunrealtimes.com/2014/07/24/in-pictures-when-rahul-gandhi-brought-joy-to-the-congress/#comments Thu, 24 Jul 2014 09:45:48 +0000 UnReal Mama http://www.theunrealtimes.com/?p=30640 For once, just for once, despite the clouds of gloom and doom hovering over it, the Congress Vice President provided a brief moment of hope to the grand old party. Here is how it happened:

 

 

 

 

 

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In Pictures: Vehicle number plates of Indian politicianshttp://www.theunrealtimes.com/2014/07/24/in-pictures-vehicle-number-plates-of-indian-politicians/ http://www.theunrealtimes.com/2014/07/24/in-pictures-vehicle-number-plates-of-indian-politicians/#comments Thu, 24 Jul 2014 03:48:33 +0000 Ashwin Kumar http://www.theunrealtimes.com/?p=30610 If you are rich and influential, or in other words, a politician, you can get your own customized vehicle number plate. What would be our netas vehicle number plates should they feel like getting themselves customized ones? Here are some suggestions. You should be able to figure out the logic behind these if you are a regular follower of Indian politics (or The UnReal Times)!

Arvind Kejriwal

 

Narendra Modi

 

Nitish Kumar

 

Deve Gowda

 

Karunanidhi

 

A Raja

 

Jayalalitha

 

Robert Vadra

 

Rahul Gandhi

 

Kapil Sibal

 

Karti Chidambaram

 

 

Manmohan Singh

 

Nitin Gadkari

 

Arun Jaitley

 

Subramanian Swamy

 

Amit Shah

 

Omar Abdullah

 

LK Advani

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Facebook users migrate back to Orkut after being flooded with Candy Crush requestshttp://www.theunrealtimes.com/2014/07/24/facebook-users-migrate-back-to-orkut-after-being-flooded-with-candy-crush-requests/ http://www.theunrealtimes.com/2014/07/24/facebook-users-migrate-back-to-orkut-after-being-flooded-with-candy-crush-requests/#comments Thu, 24 Jul 2014 00:39:42 +0000 Ashwin Kumar http://www.theunrealtimes.com/?p=30602

Image via Indiatoday.com

In what seems to be a reason for cheer for dying social networking site Orkut in its last days, thousands of Facebook users have deactivated their profiles and have reactivated/resumed activity on their defunct Orkut profiles, thus giving the nearly desolate site a huge traffic spike.

“I couldn’t take it anymore, yaar! First of all, I hardly get any notifications, be it friend requests, messages, wall posts, comments or even likes! The only thing I kept receiving was thousands of candy crush requests, pet rescue saga requests, farmville, temple run and so forth on Facebook. I just couldn’t take it beyond a point. So I deactivated my profile and went back to Orkut. There is no activity happening there either, but at least I’m not being spammed by these requests. It feels so liberating and peaceful,” said Karan, a single software engineer going through mid-life crisis.

“Well, I had a nice time on Facebook and I always used to get friend requests and a minimum of 200 likes for each of my pics. It was all okay until I started getting spammed with tons and tons of candy crush and other game requests. There’s only so much a woman can tolerate, so I just deactivated my profile. Orkut is actually far better, yaa! I do get a lot of fraandship requests from creepy Orkutiyas, but it’s still not as frequent as these stupid game requests. Also, every time I feel low, I keep reading the testimonials people wrote for me. It feels so great!” exclaimed Lakshmi, a college student.

The news has brought in great joy to Google founders Larry Page and Sergey Brin. “Well, sometimes good things tend to happen after you’ve given up and this is one such case. Let’s see how things go – if people are back on Orkut in full swing and use it regularly, we may well think of doing a Kejri-turn,” Page said.

Sources, however, added that Orkut’s new-found traffic run may be short-lived, with more and more people warming up to the fact that on Google+, there are no fraandship requests as well, thereby making it the absolute social network for peace and tranquility.

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US invades Chandrababu Naidu’s home for oil, after pics of his iftar ‘Arab’ get-up go viralhttp://www.theunrealtimes.com/2014/07/23/us-invades-chandrababu-naidus-home-for-oil-after-pics-of-his-iftar-arab-get-up-hits-social-media/ http://www.theunrealtimes.com/2014/07/23/us-invades-chandrababu-naidus-home-for-oil-after-pics-of-his-iftar-arab-get-up-hits-social-media/#comments Wed, 23 Jul 2014 03:51:56 +0000 UnReal Mama http://www.theunrealtimes.com/?p=30595

(Image via aplive.net)

The world’s sole superpower, United States of America, declared war on Andhra CM Chandrababu Naidu’s residence yesterday for reasons that are as yet unknown. Early on Monday, in the wee hours of the morning, two stealth Black Hawks descended on Naidu’s Jubilee Hills residence, and over two dozen US Navy SEALS fast-roped down to the terrace. In the next 30 minutes, the Navy SEALS neutralized the sparse security detail in the compound, took control of the building, brought down Chandrababu Naidu as the head of the household, and installed Mrs. Naidu in his place.

“My fellow citizens,” said President Obama in his short address to the nation, hours after the invasion. “At this hour, on my command, American forces have begun to strike at selected targets of military importance in Naidu’s compound. We have no ambition in Naidu’s home except to remove a dictator and restore control of his household to its own people. We will bring freedom and we will prevail. God bless America!”

Curiously, the incident coincided with pictures of Naidu’s ‘Arab’ get-up from an Iftar Party in Hyderabad he attended earlier that evening, going viral on Facebook and Twitter. This has led geopolitical analysts to conclude that the invasion was to allow large US oil companies such as ExxonMobil and Shell access to the oil wells that Naidu presumably owns.

“Of course this is about oil! I mean, look at that Naidu guy. Why else would a man dress up like that? He’s a fricking Arab!” declared General John Hastings, former head of US Central Command and Military Operations in Iraq, and added, “We’ve been through this in Iraq. The US government will not stop until he provides its oil companies access to his oil wells.”

The development resulted in another disruption in Lok Sahba on Tuesday. Opposition MPs termed the invasion an extension of the Zionist atrocities on the Arabs and stormed to the well of the House demanding a resolution condemning the US actions. Not surprisingly, the government turned down the demand. “We have strategic relations with both the United States and the ‘Arab’ in question, that cannot be overlooked,” said Union Minister Venkaiah Naidu.

The confusion was eventually cleared after Prime Minister spoke on the phone with President Obama and assured him that Naidu was merely a pseudo-secularist and does not own an oil well. Modi followed it up by sending over a beautiful shawl for Michelle Obama, after which US forces promptly returned to their base in Thailand.

Speaking on the issue to The UnReal Times, the master of secularism, Nitish Kumar, had words of scorn for the Andhra CM. “Bloody novice!” the former Bihar CM spat. “Practicing token secularism is a delicate art. Do it too little, you fail to communicate the meaning. Do it too much, you end up making a fool of yourself,” Kumar added sagely.

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AAP activist manages to have last word with girlfriend, gets dumpedhttp://www.theunrealtimes.com/2014/07/23/aap-activist-manages-to-have-last-word-with-girlfriend-gets-dumped/ http://www.theunrealtimes.com/2014/07/23/aap-activist-manages-to-have-last-word-with-girlfriend-gets-dumped/#comments Wed, 23 Jul 2014 00:57:18 +0000 UnReal Mama http://www.theunrealtimes.com/?p=30587

Image via Indiatoday.com

In what is a first in the history of human courtship, a Delhi based AAP activist, Raghav Sabharwal, managed to have the last word during a row with his girlfriend, Tanya Behl, and needless to say, got dumped. The argument started innocuously enough, with Tanya making snide remarks about AAP during their date at a roadside eatery, according to onlookers. Things soon heated up, with the couple verbally lashing out at each other. “At this stage, we thought Raghav would simply shrug his head and walk away but, bristling with self-righteousness and indignation, he simply refused to get cowed down,” a witness to the row remarked incredulously. “Finally, Tanya seemed to run out of ideas and walked away in a huff. It was truly stunning that I was witness to such an incredible phenomenon.”

Tanya later said she would never date an AAP activist ever again. “Initially, it was such a turn on, yaa. Raghav ranting about the system, calling everyone corrupt while strutting around in the AAP topi, refusing to ever step back and accept he might be wrong. I was in fact even thinking of settling down with him. After all, such alpha males go on to do well in life. But when I realized that his refusal to bow down even extends to not letting me have the last word, I knew I had to dump this guy pronto.”

The news of a male AAP activist managing to have the last word with his girlfriend has shaken up the scientific community. “It certainly is an exception to the patterns and rituals governing courtship among humans ever since the first hominids walked out of Africa. Recently, there were rumours of some chap called Arnab having the last word with his wife but subsequent scientific investigations have established that he’s as hen-pecked as they come. So this AAP chap’s feat is the first instance of a man managing to have the last word with a member of the fairer sex in the history of homo sapiens. Could it be that evolutionary traits of extreme self-righteousness are driving a branch of the human race, in a different direction? Only time will tell,” speculated noted famous Harvard behavioural anthropologist, Dr Dimitri Betrsimaas.

Raghav meanwhile has said he’ll only date fellow AAP activists going forward. This could result in the first interminable argument between a man and a woman.

(Based on an idea by Ashwin)

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Facebook Wall: Reactions to Ishant Sharma’s and Team India’s spectacular performance in Lord’s Testhttp://www.theunrealtimes.com/2014/07/22/facebook-wall-reactions-to-ishant-sharmas-and-team-indias-spectacular-performance-in-lords-test/ http://www.theunrealtimes.com/2014/07/22/facebook-wall-reactions-to-ishant-sharmas-and-team-indias-spectacular-performance-in-lords-test/#comments Tue, 22 Jul 2014 05:32:41 +0000 UnReal Mama http://www.theunrealtimes.com/?p=30579 23 overs, 6 maidens, 74 runs and 7 wickets! These are not Dale Steyn’s figures against some hapless batting line up, but our very own Ishant Sharma’s figures against the English line up in their home conditions. If you find this too unreal, read it for yourself on Cricinfo. Meanwhile, our correspondent Mark Zuckerpandian brings you the snapshot of all the Facebook reactions on this amazing turn of events:

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Unaware of win at Lord’s, mob pelts stones at Ishant Sharma’s househttp://www.theunrealtimes.com/2014/07/22/unaware-of-win-at-lords-mob-pelts-stones-at-ishant-sharmas-house/ http://www.theunrealtimes.com/2014/07/22/unaware-of-win-at-lords-mob-pelts-stones-at-ishant-sharmas-house/#comments Tue, 22 Jul 2014 04:14:17 +0000 MIB http://www.theunrealtimes.com/?p=30570

Image via Indiatoday.com

In a rather unexpected incident, a mob of over enthusiastic cricket lovers today reached the residence of Indian pace spearhead Ishant Sharma and started pelting it with stones. Police reached the place immediately and calmed down the mob by telling them that not only had India had actually won the Test Match but, what’s more, Ishant Sharma had been declared the man of the match.

The mob seemed to have pre-planned the demonstration expecting another defeat at Lord’s. “We could not believe it when the SHO told us that India had won and that too because Ishant Sharma had taken 7 wickets in in the fourth innings! Can you believe that?” said the incredulous mob leader, Jhumru.

Another member of the protest crowd told us, “We decided to set off for Ishant’s house to vent our frustration when that Moeen guy and Root were just not getting out. Considering that Ishant had not bowled much till then, we were sure of another defeat. Hence, we pre-planned the demonstration such that we would get to the Sharmas’ residence just as the match was about to end.”

The crowd had started shouting slogans and had thrown only a couple of stones, when, with the same speed that Ishant had bowled today, the police came in and broke the news. One particular protester looked very dejected with news of Ishant’s spectacular performance. “What am I supposed to do now? I have been trolling Ishant over Twitter and Facebook and his non-performance has been one of the reasons for my Twitter followers. How am I gonna retain them now?” he wailed.

Fortunately, one of the pelters, a former TNYC member, had a Kapil Sharma poster with him. The mob exhausted its collection of stones on the comedian’s poster and dispersed, jubilant and satisfied.

After the crowd dispersed, it was revealed that Ishant’s family had actually left the home at the start of the series. “We usually leave for our relatives’ place before the start of any series and return only after the series has ended. It’s a risky business being here when Ishant is playing. We too didn’t expect that he will play like this,” said Ishant’s mother, eyes welling up with tears. His father, however, seemed a tad down, remarking, “What will happen to all those trips to the relatives. With Ishu performing, who knows, we might have to live here and entertain guests at our house. Do you realize how difficult it is to be hosts?”

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LEAKED: Ishant Sharma’s Gmail Inbox after his 7-74 inspires famous Indian victory at Lordshttp://www.theunrealtimes.com/2014/07/22/gmail-inbox-congratulatory-mails-pour-into-ishant-sharmas-mailbox-after-lords-victory/ http://www.theunrealtimes.com/2014/07/22/gmail-inbox-congratulatory-mails-pour-into-ishant-sharmas-mailbox-after-lords-victory/#comments Tue, 22 Jul 2014 03:16:02 +0000 Ashwin Kumar http://www.theunrealtimes.com/?p=30561 Minutes after Ishant Sharma bounced (yeah, read that again) the English batsmen out to secure a famous victory for Team India at the mecca of world cricket, mails from one and all poured in. Unable to manage the flood of emails, Ishant put his man Friday, Chintu Chitamani, on the job. Chintu, who’s a regular reader of The UnReal Times decided to make a quick buck by sending us this snapshot that we present here:

(Click on image for larger view)

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Arvind Kejriwal gears up for Delhi Elections, trades WagonR for second hand Nanohttp://www.theunrealtimes.com/2014/07/21/rvind-kejriwal/ http://www.theunrealtimes.com/2014/07/21/rvind-kejriwal/#comments Mon, 21 Jul 2014 15:31:29 +0000 UnReal Mama http://www.theunrealtimes.com/?p=30554

Kejriwal in his new old Nano

In the surest sign that he’s ready for the Delhi Assembly elections, Aam Aadmi Party’s convenor, Arvind Kejriwal, has resurrected his aam-aadmi avatar and given it a new look by giving up his trademark blue Wagon-R and opting for an used Nano from popular automobiles classified website gaadi.com.

“Beholed! The Kajariwal as Aam Aadmi 2.0!” tweeted journalist turned AAP leader, Ashutosh, and attached a “wide-angle” image of Kejriwal in his brand new, old Nano, clicked from between his legs.

The previous owner of Kejriwal’s latest ride is a retired school teacher by the name Gopinath Pande. According to Pande, Kejriwal himself rang him up to ask if he could visit him to examine the vehicle, and later landed up outside his house with hundreds of AAP volunteers.

“Arvindji seemed to like my car instantly, and asked if he could take it out for a spin. I said of course! Then, with Arvind riding shotgun, Manish Sisodia drove the Nano to Rail Bhavan where the AAP volunteers shouted slogans against Modi for an hour. Arvind then napped in the Nano for an hour. When he woke up, he drove back to my home, told me that the car held up very well, paid me in full and threw in an AAP topi as well!” the starstruck Pande said to The UnReal Times.

The development has galvanized the AAP cadre, who were hitherto not sure if the AAP leadership was in talks with Congress to form the government or intended to fight elections. “So far they were sending us mixed signals on what they wanted to do,” confessed an AAP volunteer. “But now with Arvind sir getting his game face on, we’re all kicked. We’ve charged our mobile’s batteries are are waiting for the next mass SMS calling on us to gather somewhere.”

In related news, Gaadi.com unwittingly became an AAP member when a customer care officer called on the AAP registration number Arvind Kejriwal entered into the portal’s form.

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SONY to launch its new channel ‘Set-SUR’ to telecast ‘Sooryavansham’ 24×7http://www.theunrealtimes.com/2014/07/21/sony-to-launch-its-new-channel-set-sur-to-telecast-sooryavansham-24x7/ http://www.theunrealtimes.com/2014/07/21/sony-to-launch-its-new-channel-set-sur-to-telecast-sooryavansham-24x7/#comments Mon, 21 Jul 2014 01:34:49 +0000 Anoop Dixith http://www.theunrealtimes.com/?p=30541

Image via Pingram.me

Multi Screen Media (formerly SET India Pvt Ltd), the TV media company that runs popular TV channels like Sony TV, Set MAX, Set PIX among others, is all set to launch its new brainchild, a channel named “Set SUR” this September. The new channel is already being termed as a trendsetter by many silver-screen analysts as “Set SUR” is going to play the Amitabh Bachchan, Soundarya starrer “Sooryavansham” all through the week, eight times a day. By doing so, “Set SUR” is going to be the first channel ever in the history of cable industry to play a movie 24×7.

MSM CEO Mr. N.P. Singh informed The UnReal Times that the Sony franchise had been mulling this option for a while now since “Sooryavansham” anyway consumed 83% of slot-time on ‘Set MAX’ during no-IPL months. “Sooryavansham has become a part and parcel of our company,” he said. “It’s high time we offered it the promotion that it deserves. We have decided to create a brand new channel named “Set SUR” to telecast the movie Sooryavansham all the time, uninterrupted. Viewers can now enjoy watching their favorite movie on a new channel with a new logo, anytime. You wanna see Amitabh Bachchan in a double role at 3 AM in the morning? It’s now possible! Just tune in to ‘Set SUR’. Are you having a dull day with no IPL, no FIFA, no nothing? Well, now you always have “Sooryavansham” at the click of a button your remote-control. Sony has made it that easy.”

“Sooryavansham” already holds the Guinness record for movie that has been telecast on the small-screen the maximum number of times, followed by “Meri Jung”, “Singham” and “No Entry”. The new channel is only going to strengthen its position in this regard.

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