The UnReal Times India's favorite satire, spoof, parody and humour portal - Politics, Cricket, Business, Governance, Technology, Foreign Affairs and more Mon, 06 Jul 2015 03:04:49 +0000 en-US hourly 1 Indian tennis player hospitalized after he tries Federer’s between the legs shot, hits wrong ball Mon, 06 Jul 2015 02:58:47 +0000 UnReal Mama

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Leander Bhupathi, an upcoming Indian tennis star, smacked himself in the nether regions during a practice game while attempting the between the legs “tweener” lob shot that his idol Roger Federer played in his second round match with American Sam Querrey.

A passerby who had stopped to watch the game spoke to The UnReal Times about the incident: “I think it was in the 5th or 6th game in the 1st set. They had this longish rally, when suddenly out of the blue he spread his legs wide and thwacked the ball from between the legs.  There was this ‘Thokkk’ sound and I thought he had really nailed the shot. But when he went ‘Nggggg’ and collapsed to the ground, I realized he’d lobbed the wrong ball.”

Bhupathi’s coach isn’t very pleased with his ward. “What he was thinking!? What was the need for that lob shot? His opponent wasn’t even at the net!” he said. “I should have guessed he’d try that shot today. He was raving about it all day yesterday. I told him it was a gimmick, but he just wouldn’t listen. Well now he knows better.”

The video of Bhupathi’s version of the Tweener lob shot has already gone viral on Whatsapp. Roger Federer grimaced when he came across the video. “Jeez, that looks painful. Can happen to anyone. I think I’ll stick to the standard lob shot from now on,” the legend said.

Bhupathi is currently being kept under observation at Bengaluru’s Apollo Hospital. “He’s out of danger. Everything’s tip-top. You have nothing to worry about,” said Dr. Sharma to Bhupathi’s worried girlfriend.

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BJP sacks office clerk, Arnab claims ‘Times Now Impact’ Sun, 05 Jul 2015 04:06:39 +0000 Kaushik R After his stringent demands for resignations of various BJP leaders have been stringently ignored, Arnab Goswami has claimed credit for the sacking of a BJP office clerk and labelled it “Times Now impact”.

According to sources, the said person was fired for smoking a cigarette while on duty. Times Now’s journalists immediately swooped in, did some superb investigative journalism picked up the cigarette butt, and found out that it was manufactured by Lalit Modi’s company. Within minutes, the Times Now ticker began flashing the headline: “Vasundhara lowers cigarette taxes, BJP leader openly smokes, promoting cigarettes!”


Meanwhile, reacting to Arnab’s headlines, three different BJP spokespersons appeared on Times Now and offered seven different versions of what happened, but ultimately, all of them got Sanjay Jha-ed by Arnab. Dr. Subramanian Swamy tweeted, “Liar Arnab at it again. Claims clerk to be leader! Still ignoramus!” while Lalit Modi continued his tweeting spree, including Times Now’s new hashtags in his tweets.

Sources say that the Prime Minister doesn’t mind Arnab taking credit. “The guy started with Sushmaji, moved to Raje ji, Fadnavis etc and then finally settled for an office boy. Win-win for everyone”, he has been quoted saying.

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Arnab demands Kamal Hassan’s resignation over Lalit Modi’s “Chachi420″ allegations Sat, 04 Jul 2015 10:17:19 +0000 Shreya Manjunath

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Outspoken journalist Arnab Goswami’s bravado was on full display yesterday as he courageously questioned Kamal Hassan on the allegations tweeted by Lalit Modi that cryptically referred to a mysterious Chachi420. Arnab bravely took on the all-powerful chachi as he hurled question upon question about her nefarious cross dressing scams.

Others in the media were less certain about the culpability of the famous actor. Speculation was rife in the social media that the chachi in question had links to a powerful dynasty. Some in the mainstream media mulled over whether Vadra with his penchant for questionable dealings, could be chachi420. His flamboyant dressing style that includes a collection of designer pink hot pants could well have created confusion in the mind Lalit Modi.  Others speculated that chachi was Rahul Gandhi trying to famously re-reinvent himself. They suggested that after playing the messiah of clueless peasants, the Gandhi scion was reinventing himself as a benevolent aunt in order to woo gullible homemakers. Rahul 12.0, the media claimed would capture the imagination of that demographic, before taking off on another trip, after which he would predictably re-invent himself.

While the mainstream media has maintained an elegant code of silence over the identity of mysterious chachi with dubious connections, the social media has ungraciously raised questions regarding SheWhoMustNotBeNamed. The media shy Lalilt Modi made the unfortunate mistake of calling out SheWhoMustNotBeNamed. He predictably disappeared from the headlines faster than reality TV celebrities he tries to emulate.

While the mainstream media urges Modi to give his opinion on all issues-important, trivial and imaginary, SheWhoMustNotBeNamed has the right to an eerie silence over myriad zero loss scams. Only her inner voice must be allowed to speak. The conscious keeper of unaccountable scammers is beyond questioning and above suspicion.

Like in the movie Chachi420, nobody in the audience has any doubt as to the true identity of the chachi, it would be ludicrous to believe that protagonists in the movie are oblivious to this glaring fact. Like the actors, the entire mainstream media collectively pretends to be clueless about the identity of the person accountable for all the scams in the UPA regime. Besides the discretionary give-away of natural resources to her choice cronies, SheWhoMustNotBeNamed has also made other glorious contributions to the Indian economy. The fairy godmother of delusional socialism has never been answerable for the Big Bang anti-reforms introduced in the UPA regime and its subsequent impact on the Indian economy.

To express solidarity with the courageous and unbiased mainstream media, we satirists have also vowed not to name SheWhoMustNotBeNamed aka Chachi420, albeit in this specific article.

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COMIC: Sushma Swaraj trolls Arnab Goswami Sat, 04 Jul 2015 03:38:43 +0000 UnReal Mama The nation’s self-appointed voice Arnab Goswami went out for a stroll while on a visit to Delhi. What happened when he bumped into External Affairs Minister Sushma Swaraj? Take a look:





(Image thumbnail sources: 1a, 1b, 2a, 2b, 3a, 3b, 4a, 4b, 5a, 5b, 5c)

(Based on an idea by Ashwin Kumar)

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Rahul Gandhi to meet online right wing volunteers who weren’t invited to PM Narendra Modi’s meet Fri, 03 Jul 2015 05:43:21 +0000 Ashwin Kumar

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In a bid to win over some of PM Narendra Modi’s online supporters who were left disillusioned after not being invited to the recent closed-door meeting chaired by the PM at his 7 RCR residence, Congress Vice-President Rahul Gandhi has announced that he will be meeting them soon in order to understand their problems.

“This is just the beginning. Soon, more and more of PM Modi’s supporters will realize that he caters only to the suit and boot audience and that acche din are only for a select few. I wish to let these people know that I and the Congress party are always available for them. We will empower the women supporters, we will make sure they use the RTI, we will open the system to the youth,” the Nehru-Gandhi scion told The UnReal Times.

“Will soon be meeting PM’s uninvited supporters at my 12 Tughlak Lane residence. Watch this space: Rahul Gandhi,” tweeted the Congress vice-president’s office @OfficeOfRG on Twitter. Congress sources added that this meet was just the beginning and that in the future disgruntled Modi supporters would even be allowed to accompany Rahul on his upcoming sabbaticals and covert foreign tours.

The response to Rahul Gandhi’s call has generally been positive. “Sure, why not? It’s not like I have anything to do. I am a Twitter troll for God’s sake!” said a disgruntled bhakt when asked if he’d accept Rahul’s invitation.

I will go anywhere for free food, even if it’s just dal chawal,” said another.

“I will absolutely accept his invitation! Rahul Gandhi is a phenomenon, a genius! His intelligence and wisdom is only trumped by his vision and farsightedness. Modi doesn’t hold a candle to Rahul Gandhi,” said another bearded bhakt who bore a suspiciously striking resemblance to Sanjay Jha.

The UnReal Times columnist Ashwin Kumar too, who wasn’t invited to the meeting, despite being considered by many to be a Modi-bhakt, has confirmed that he would attend the meeting chaired by Rahul. “Dude, my only goal in life is to take selfies and if I’m going to get to take a selfie with Rahul baba himself, what more do I need in life? One selfie with Rahul baba and another with The Ashutosh and my very purpose in life is fulfilled!” Ashwin said.

Meanwhile, the issue was also taken up by Times Now editor-in-chief Arnab Goswami, who demanded the Prime Minister’s resignation on The Newshour. “WILL THE PRIME MINISTER RESIGN FOR THIS BLATANT SHOW OF #VVIPRACISM – ACCHE DIN ONLY FOR A SELECT FEW OF HIS SUPPORTERS?” tweeted the nation’s most mocked watched news channel.

The BJP, however, strongly came out in defense of PM Modi, claiming that there has been no discrimination. “Everyone at the BJP is always accessible to everyone in the country. Even I am always ready to meet people, but no one really wants to meet me, except you, Arnab!” BJP spokesperson Sambit Patra said.

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Nawaz Sharif planning to issue a job offer to Narendra Modi Fri, 03 Jul 2015 02:34:23 +0000 Venkat Shankar

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Ever since NDTV broke the news of Sushma Swaraj’s husband receiving a job offer from Lalit Modi, the cat has been well and truly set among the pigeons.

Sources close to the Pakistan PM, under the condition of anonymity said, “We consider NDTV to be the beacon of propriety and moral uprightness. They set the standard in defining the ethical line that one cannot cross. When they therefore consider a job offer from an Undesirable to be proof of unethical behavior which gives rise to conflict of interest, we consider that a new benchmark on public conduct has been set. This offers us great opportunities. We are drafting a job offer for Mr. Narendra Modi and expect to dispatch it by courier this evening, while tweeting the same simultaneously in time for the 9 o’ clock news slots. We expect the Indian media to react responsibly and take your PM to task on the job offer.”

When it was pointed out that the Indian PM may not take up the offer as he is already gainfully occupied, the source responded saying “How does that matter? As per NDTV’s guidelines of moral behavior, he is conflicted and compromised.”

The source also confided that they expect all other channels to join issue on this with more than their usual vigor as NDTV got away with claiming this to be their exclusive Breaking News story yesterday.

URT has learnt that this is only the tip of the iceberg. Apparently, Lt. Gen. Rizwan Akhtar, the ISI chief, is in the process of issuing a job offer to RSS chief Mohan Bhagawat, while Sambit Patra was trying to get Lalit Modi to issue him a job offer so that he could be sacked from the position of Official Spokesperson. In a smart move, Jagmohan Dalmiya, through back channels, is trying to get an offer from the Pakistan Cricket Board to join the Pakistan team issued to Ishant Sharma, so that BCCI will have public support to sack him from the team.

In perhaps the most telling evidence of the widespread ramifications of NDTV’s moral code, unconfirmed reports indicate the Greek Prime Minister Alexis Tsipras is threatening to send offers to all EU leaders to join his cabinet if they do not bail Greece out.

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Facebook Wall: Reactions to Lalit Modi’s revelations spill over to social media Thu, 02 Jul 2015 08:25:32 +0000 UnReal Mama According to a survey, 20% of the country’s internet users have set their browser’s home page to Lalit Modi’s Twitter timeline. Such has been his impact over the last couple of weeks. Lalit Modi clearly is enjoying it all, if one were to go by the emojis in his tweets. Here’s what happened when he took to Facebook for a while:

(Check here for the IIPM news)

(With inputs from Ashwin Kumar)

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Lalit Modi to be knighted for yeoman service to London tourism Thu, 02 Jul 2015 03:01:51 +0000 Ashwin Kumar After tweeting on a daily basis juicy details of his meetings with the who’s who of Indian politics, IPL founder Lalit Modi is all set for the biggest meeting of his life: one with Queen Elizabeth at the Buckingham palace, where she’ll bestow knighthood upon him.

In a unanimous vote by the British parliament, Modi was recommended for the great honor due to his extremely significant contribution to the unprecedented surge in tourist footfalls in London. “London has always held a prime spot in every tourist’s itinerary, but never have we seen such a torrent of tourists from India and other Asian countries as in the past month – all to visit one man, Lalit Modi!” British PM David Cameron told The UnReal Times

“With the economic meltdown in Greece, I was beginning to worry about the ripple effects on our economy, but thanks to this unbelievable spike in tourist inflow, we now have a cushion of sorts. We can’t thank Mr.Modi enough for this yeoman service to our country, at a time when we needed it the most. And every single member of the British parliament strongly believes that a knighthood is the least we can do to honor Mr.Modi,” Cameron added.

A statement released by Buckingham Palace mentioned that the queen is keen on meeting Modi. “One is greatly excited at the prospect of meeting the man who has singlehandedly brought in an unbelievable number of people from all over the world to London in such a short span of time. Knighting Mr.Modi shall be an honor not just for one, but also for knighthood itself,” the statement read.

The news brought great joy to Lalit Modi supporters in the cricketing fraternity. “All these years, Indian cricket fans had to make do with celebrating Sir Jadeja’s unofficial knighthood. Now, we’re finally going to have a real knight in Sir Lalit Modi. Feels so great! Just the sound of ‘Sir Lalit Modi’ feels like music to the ears!” exclaimed a Rajasthan Cricket Board official.

Sir Lalit Modi celebrated in trademark fashion by posting a tweet with several emojis.

Sources in the PMO added that Indian PM Narendra Modi is scheduled to visit the UK to attend his namesake’s knighting ceremony. “I was planning to go to some other exotic foreign locale, but won’t mind going to the UK again. Would be great to meet Lizzie ben, Kate ben and William bhai and take a selfie with them. Can’t wait to pull Charlotte Diana’s ears too!” the PM enthusiastically told The UnReal Times.

The Pakistan government, however, has conveyed its strong displeasure to the UK. Mincing no words, Pakistan PM Nawaz Sharif lashed out at his British counterpart. “Apart from supplying terrorists and potential terrorists to various parts of the world, Pakistan has also supplied a lot of tourists and immigrants to the UK over the years. It is appalling that our valuable contribution is being overlooked and an Indian is being knighted instead. I’m sure the RAW and India are behind this. I’m going to the UN and meeting Ban Ki-moon right away,” Sharif said.

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Excerpt from UnReal Elections: When Congress leaders took a lie detector test Wed, 01 Jul 2015 02:52:49 +0000 UnReal Mama According to news reports, Congress leader Shashi Tharoor may undergo a lie detector test as part of the investigation in the Sunanda Pushkar murder case. Reminds us of a chapter from our book UnReal Elections where Rahul Gandhi’s team made Congress leaders undergo the lie detector test in Jaipur, hours after he was elevated as the Congress Vice President. Here’s the excerpt:

The next day, Digvijaya rose to propose Rahul Gandhi as the vice president of the party, a statement that cut through the thick pall of listlessness hanging over the auditorium as attendees, who had been trying hard not to nod off, suddenly perked up. In what may or may not have been spontaneous, Sonia thumped her desk and wiped a tear from her eyes.

Rahul gingerly approached the podium, rolled up his sleeves, and delivered the line of the century.

‘Last night, at four, my mother came to me and cried. Why did she cry? Because she understands that power is poison . . .’

The speech would go down in the annals of Congress history as one of the all-time great speeches, a perfect blend of corniness and maudlin sentimentality, up there with Nehru’s ‘tryst with destiny’, Indira’s ‘garibi hatao’ and Rajiv’s ‘nani yaad dila denge’.

As soon as Rahul finished his speech, the floodgates opened and a torrent of effusive praise gushed forth from the reservoir of pent-up emotions. ‘The Obama moment of Indian politics,’ raved Mani Shankar; ‘One of the greatest speeches of contemporary Indian political history,’ proclaimed Dr Tharoor; ‘Rajivji . . . Rajivjiki yaad dila di,’ was the more earthy verdict of Haryana CM Bhupinder Singh Hooda.

The rain dance was well and truly under way. An ambience of revelry and giddy headedness engulfed the auditorium, and soon spread to the multitude of Congress workers assembled outside.

‘And now Rahulji’s aide, Kanishka Singh will make an important declaration,’ the pretty Youth Congress general secretary announced.

‘Rahul has promised to usher in a new approach,’ Kanishka began. The delegates cheered heartily.

‘All of you have sung his praises, proclaimed your steadfast devotion and loyalty to his leadership. But the time has come to test it. You will all be administered an exam and your responses evaluated to rank you and objectively determine the pecking order,’ he said.

‘Bring it on,’ a delegate shouted. ‘I am ready to shoot for Rahul. What is a measly sycophancy exam compared to that?’ bellowed another delegate from the middle section of the auditorium.

‘But wait, there is a catch,’ Kanishka said. ‘What use is lavish praise if it is not heartfelt? What is the degree of truth in what they say? So we will also administer a polygraph test to record physiological responses such as blood pressure, pulse rate, perspiration and skin conductivity. This will help us score the responses for sincerity as well. For too long, we have ignored this dimension, but not any more. The new 360-degree exam will evaluate the delegates for not just their sycophancy, but also the sincerity behind the sycophancy to determine the new pecking order. Are you ready, fellow Congressmen?’

The words had punctured the bubble of euphoria. Jubilation gave way to panic. Faces turned pallid, the sparkle in the eyes gave way to fear—the look before being led to the guillotine. A wave of silence descended on the hitherto cacophonous auditorium.

A phalanx of Rahul’s team, freshly minted MBAs attired in crisp business casuals, fanned out with question papers and an array of instruments to administer the polygraph test:

a) Did you think Rahul’s acceptance speech was the Obama moment of Indian politics?

b) Did you feel that the ghost of Jawaharlal Nehru was speaking through Rahul baba?

c) Did you feel that his elevation to the post of vice president was the greatest day of your life?

d) Did you think, ‘yawn . . . Same set of recycled clichés?’ when he said the party has to change?

e) Did you feel like cringing when Rahul said that his mother told him ‘power is poison’?

f) Did the thought ‘when the f*** will we get rid of this family and institute internal democracy’ ever cross your mind as Rahul concluded his nomination speech?

The procedure was a brainchild of Rahul Gandhi himself, a throwback to his brief stint as a management consultant. In addition to learning how to craft PPT slides that packed a lot of information but communicated very little, Rahul imbibed[D1]  faith in a data-driven, measurement-based approach to management and leadership in the first and only real job he would ever hold. The Rahul era was under way. An unwieldy, gargantuan century-old political party would be managed like a corporation with Rahul’s laptop-wielding, MBA-degree-holding whiz-kids calling the shots.

As the exam got under way, many began to perspire profusely, grappling with the prospect of, for the first time in their lives, having to strike a balance between professing loyalty and admiration for the Nehru-Gandhi scion on the one hand and doing so truthfully, on the other.

One particular Congress leader aced the polygraph test as he proceeded to record his true feelings. Needless to say, he promptly tendered his resignation as soon as he completed the exam.

Many others failed to clear the cut-offs in sycophancy, with the polygraph spiking as they wrote paeans in praise of Rahul. However, there were winners as well such as Dr Shashi Tharoor, who dug deep within his reservoir of vocabulary, to formulate responses, such as:

Apropos of the Nehru-Gandhi scion’s congenital traits, taken in conjunction with his innate capabilities undoubtedly moulded by the genetic traits of his forefathers and propinquity for wielding power which, if one thinks about it holistically and perspicaciously, is synonymous with toxicity, then one concludes that he is but a worthy heir to the throne after carefully defenestrating arguments of an ad hominem nature.

It ensured that he comfortably cleared the cut-offs while gathering the benefit of doubt for sycophancy.

However, one man topped both the sycophancy and veracity charts to emerge at the top of the pecking order, at least in Rahul Gandhi’s mind: Mani Shankar Aiyar. The former Union panchayati raj minister had long ago internalized his admiration and devotion to the Nehru-Gandhi family, especially Rajiv Gandhi, so much so that he genuinely believed in it. ‘I just thought of the sweet, smiling face of Rajiv Gandhi and the words of praise flowed smoothly and truthfully from my pen,’ he recalled, grinning from ear to ear like a Cheshire cat.

Meanwhile, outside the auditorium, away from all the tension and the anxiety, Congress workers danced with gusto, while journalists reported back to their respective TV houses.

‘With Rahul’s elevation, the Congress has paved the way for his projection as its prime ministerial candidate in 2014, and effectively thrown down the gauntlet at the BJP,’ said NDTV’s Sreenivasan Jain, shouting to make himself heard over the cacophony behind him.

‘This comes as a major blow to Modi who is still only one among the many potential PM candidates for the BJP. Will BJP elevate Gujarat strongman Narendra Modi in response? Will 2014 be a Rahul versus Modi fight? With cameraman Ramesh, this is Sreenivasan Jain reporting from Jaipur. Back to you, Barkha,’ Jain concluded, and took off dancing towards the Congress workers.

(Excerpt from our bestseller “UnReal Elections” (298 pages, Rs 250). Available on AmazonFlipkart and bookstores.)

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PM breaks silence – feels ‘LalitGate’ doesn’t do justice to India’s contributions to world of scams Wed, 01 Jul 2015 02:19:05 +0000 Venkat Shankar

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Under fire for his deafening silence on the Lalitgate issue, PM Modi has finally given vent to his feelings and has expressed himself by bringing in a new angle to the entire controversy.

During a meeting with PMO officials, Mr. Modi had reportedly expressed deep disappointment over the whole Lalitgate issue, saying: “Our civilization has always been leading the world on everything that matters – Yoga, Plastic Surgery and the like. It is a matter of great shame that we need to run to Western examples when it comes to naming scams. Why Lalitgate? Where is the Gate here? Some smalltime stuff happened in USA many decades ago and we have been doing grave injustice to some of the grandest scams of this world by naming them after Watergate.”

Sources tell us that the success of International Yoga Day has infused huge confidence in the PM, so much so that he now wants to internationalize everything Indian. In this vein, he now feels that, given the rich history of scams in India, we should be dominating the scam nomenclature system.

“We have scams centered around diverse issues like Bofors, Hawala, Cash for Votes, Coffins, 2G, Coal just to name a few. There are very few areas that we have left untouched and this offers the world a rich vein of scams to tap into,“ PM reportedly said.

Apparently, the PM’s vision is that the World Standard for naming of scams should be inspired by our Indian ones. For instance, he is said to have set expectations of his PMO that henceforth, rather than the ubiquitous “Gate” as a suffix, we should pitch in the UN for “G” (after 2G and Telgi), or “La” (after Koyla and Hawala).

An aggressive man with a penchant for micromanaging implementation, Mr. Modi is understood to have set specific objectives for the MEA. “If the next scam is called, for example, Vyapamgate instead of VyapamLa or VyapamG, we are toast,” said a worried PMO official.

As expected, the Congress party joined issue shortly thereafter, with their normally reticent ex-PM, Dr. Manmohan Singh claiming: “The current PM is better at marketing than I am. I concede that. But all the hard work was put in by us. Most of these names being talked about belong to scams during our time. The NDA is only continuing our legacy.”

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