The UnReal Times India's favorite satire, spoof, parody and humour portal - Politics, Cricket, Business, Governance, Technology, Foreign Affairs and more Thu, 17 Apr 2014 10:31:40 +0000 en-US hourly 1 In Pictures: Book covers of possible future biographies Thu, 17 Apr 2014 10:17:23 +0000 Kapil Dr Manmohan Singh’s biography (The Accidental Prime Minister) by his former media adviser, Sanjay Baru, has reportedly inspired several others to write books about those they share a relationship with, professional or otherwise. The UnReal Times wonders what their book covers might look like:











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Sanjay Jha to set up Newshour coaching center in Kota, Rajasthan post elections Thu, 17 Apr 2014 00:30:40 +0000 Ashwin Kumar Congress party’s national spokesperson Sanjay Jha has unveiled his plans of starting a Newshour coaching center at India’s “tuition city” – Kota, Rajasthan. Not surprisingly, the institute will be called “Shri Rajiv Gandhi Institute of Newshour Training” and will be inaugurated by Congress president Sonia Gandhi and vice-president Rahul Gandhi in a few days.

“Well, Rajniti, before I get to your question, let me tell you two points – one, the BJP is a party whose Prime Ministerial candidate is guilty of orchestrating massive riots in 2002,” thundered Jha, when asked about the institute by The UnReal Times correspondent Rajniti Sarkarwala, leaving him nonplussed.

Jha, however, quickly corrected himself and continued, “Sorry yaar, aadat ho gaya. Hehe! Anyway, with the Congress party on the brink of fading into irrelevance after May 16th, I won’t have much of a role to play in The Newshour. I’m sure Arnab will find new bunnies to replace me. But I also foresee a vote of no confidence on account of 2002 happening quite soon, in which case the Congress party will come back. So, by then, it would be great if we have an army of spokespersons to battle Arnab on The Newshour, the battle based on which the nation makes its decisions,” Jha added.

“I will be training them in fundamental aspects of being a Newshour spokesperson for the Congress party, like deflecting to 2002 within 10 seconds of the question and bringing in Snoopgate within 20 seconds, the topic of Jashodaben within 30 seconds and so on. Once they are adept in these deflections, I will go to the next level, which talks about simultaneously throwing in praise for Rahul baba in the midst of these deflections,” Jha explained.

In other news, sources said that in order to effectively counter Jha’s move, the nation’s Times Now editor-in-chief Arnab Goswami will soon be writing a biography on the former, titled “The Accidental Spokesperson.”

(Why did Sonia Gandhi nearly fire Sanjay Jha? Find out in ‘UnReal Elections‘, our satirical take on elections, published by Penguin. Available on Flipkart and Amazon (In top 20 bestsellers))

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Priyanka Gandhi clarifies her ‘brother gone astray’ remarks were meant for Rahul, not Varun Gandhi Wed, 16 Apr 2014 12:09:51 +0000 Anand Walunjkar With the controversy over Priyanka Vadra’s remarks of ‘Varun Gandhi going astray’ gaining pace, she has clarified that her statements were aimed at her brother Rahul Gandhi and not Varun Gandhi.

“Please recall what I actually said,” Robert Vadra’s better half clarified. “That ‘my brother, who is contesting from this area, has gone astray’. And that ‘it is the duty of elders to bring him on track.’ Now this area is Amethi and my brother is Rahul. Tell me where does Varun come into picture here?”

She added further why she was compelled to make such harsh remarks on her brother. “I mean, come on. He has gone astray and out of the track with the escape velocity of Jupiter. When I asked him one day if he had had lunch, he asked me to file an ‘RTI’!”

“And when I asked him why he is not getting married, he replied cryptically ‘women empowerment’. And when I showed him some photographs for marriage prospects he said ‘Open the system’. That’s ridiculous. That’s why I want elders to show him the correct path of maturity,” she said, while putting away her designer clothes for the election season.

Varun Gandhi has expressed a feeling of ‘hurt’ over her cousin’s remarks. “Over the years, we had maintained the ‘lakshman rekha’ but now they are breaking it. Rahul is a great asset for BJP. His presence alone is sufficient to create a Congress mukt Bharat but Priyanka didi is ruining it. If she will attack Rahul bhaiya, then what will I do? Please let her not steal my thunder.”

In other news, PM Manmohan Singh has sought the permission of Sonia Gandhi to thank Priyanka Vadra for calling him ‘Super PM’.

(To learn more about how Rahul Gandhi went astray, read our book Unreal Elections. Top 10 in Amazon bestsellers list)

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NDTV does its first ‘Major blow to Rahul Gandhi’ story Wed, 16 Apr 2014 03:51:29 +0000 UnReal Mama

In a marked departure from its traditional reporting style, establishment watchdog, NDTV, did its first ‘Major blow to Rahul Gandhi’ piece. The story details how ‘ab ki baar Modi sarkaar’ chants could be heard during a Rahul Gandhi rally in Amethi, and ends with the rather far-fetched conclusion that the Nehru-Gandhi scion could lose his deposit in Amethi. The piece is the surest sign of an imminent change of the political order in New Delhi, just like the El-Nino effect provides a reliable leading indicator of the coming monsoon.

The story, coming on the heels of the NDTV poll, which predicts over 275 seats for the NDA, has left its traditional readers nonplussed but Prannoy Roy said there was nothing to be surprised about this. “People should understand that NDTV is no different from any other PSU like BHEL or Air India, yaar,” he told The UnReal Times. “We have no preferences regarding who comes to power. Whoever it is, we will work with them. We are very professional in that regard.”

NDTV has already sent Sreenivasan Jain for a ‘rehab and detox’ program run by the RSS at an unknown location near Nagpur. “Jain is one of NDTV’s most driven employees. So he’s having difficulty adjusting to the altered political environment. After the rehab, he’ll undergo a training program that will cover Bofors, 1984, rule by proxy, and various scams under UPA to add depth to his knowledge base and broaden his horizons,” Dr Roy disclosed.

CNN-IBN, NDTV’s sister organization (the equivalent of what Indian Airlines was to Air India before they merged), is also not too far behind. Rajdeep reportedly has prepared an inventory of stories on 1984 for the next six months. He’s waiting for Kanchan Gupta to okay it. But what takes the cake is that Sagarika Ghose was spotted sporting a bright orange lipstick while recording the latest installment of ‘Face the People’. 

(To find out more about the role of Sreenivasan Jain, Rajdeep Sardesai, and Arnab Goswami in the run up to the General Elections, read our satire novel, UnReal Elections. Top 20 in the Amazon bestseller list)

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Inspired by IITians against AAP, Infosys employees form Infoscions against Nilekani Wed, 16 Apr 2014 00:59:31 +0000 Pankaj Vaidya

Inspired by IITians against AAP, Infosyians in Nandan Nilekani’s constituency Bangalore South have formed a group “Infoscions against Nilekani”. Infoscions founded this group last week after learning of poor salary hikes this year.

BJP hopes to make deep inroads into this influential Infoscion vote bank in the IT city to thwart the rise of Nielakni. Disgrunted Infoscions have given a number of reasons for campaigning against their former boss, such as:

 “I am on bench and have nothing to do when in office. So I go to the office, swipe my card, cold call people to vote against Nilekani throughout the day and then swipe out.”

 “I have completed more than 6 months in the company but I haven’t been promoted because I don’t have an Aadhar card. I blame Nandan for this.”

 “I am forced to work in a production support role in the night shift. My neighbourhood kids are restless due to which I do not get sleep during the day. So I just take a nap and then go out and campaign against Nilekani.”

 “I am fed up of working on support projects. I desperately want to work on a development project. I will vote for Modi because he has promised development for all.”

Not only the youth but even senior managers of Infosys have joined this group. We asked a senior manager close to retirement the reason. He shot back: “Nandan Nilekani was my boss for quite some time and he never gave me good performance appraisal. He always gave reasons like project did not meet objectives.  Now, it’s my chance to appraise his performance for the last five years and do you think I am going to lose this chance?”

Said another senior manager close to retirement, “I have a lot of Infosys shares I got in the stock options plan. And I plan to sell them at a high price post retirement. So it makes sense not to vote for Nilekani.”

A trainee engineer was heard saying, “If the Election Commission can complete the performance appraisal process after taking feedback from crores of people in such a short time, why does our HR department take so long to complete the performance appraisal process though it only has to take feedback from a handful of employees?”

After belatedly realizing that the Congress was losing its grip over this key vote bank, the party leadership has swung into action. After a functionary complained that Nandan Nilekani was left to fend for himself without any help from the high command, Rahul Gandhi visited Infosys campus canteen, had snacks with employees and asked them “India me Computer Kaun Laya?”

Meanwhile Nandan Nilekani was seen in a public meeting wearing a Red Hat apparently to woo the influential minority of Infosys employees who work on the Red Hat Linux platform.

When a techie demanded a salary hike, Nilekani told him, “The moral code of conduct prevents me from doing it at the moment.”

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The Accidental PM fallout: Sanjaya Baru ought to become an Unreal Times columnist, fumes Congress Tue, 15 Apr 2014 09:43:04 +0000 UnReal Mama As more embarrassing revelations from Dr Sanjaya Baru’s book The Accidental Prime Minister continue to make national headlines, fuming Congress spin-doctors and Gandhi family lackeys have ratcheted up their attacks on the former media adviser. After calling Dr Baru a ‘disgruntled turncoat’, Congress spokesperson Randeep Surjewala took the attacks to a new level by asserting that the book’s content was so fictitious and basless that Dr Baru ought to take up a career with The UnReal Times. “I’m sure Dr Baru can give Ashwin Kumar a run for his money, given his florid imagination regarding the goings-on in the PMO and scant regard for propriety and truth,” Surjewala acerbically commented.  He hastened to add that the book was not funny either.

Dr Baru laughed off the latest round of insults but admitted that he was not prepared for this salvo. “To call me an Unreal Times columnist and to brand the whole book as an instance of the work that The Unreal Times brand stands for was, I admit, a bit too much. It shows how rattled Congress leaders are,” he said.

Dr Baru hopes the book triggers a sympathy wave for Dr Manmohan Singh. “I have chronicled how the Prime Minister’s Office was systematically undermined, leaving the Prime Minister with little authority but all the responsibility,” Dr Baru said, and read out one of the most shocking passages from the book:

After casting my vote in the New Delhi constituency on April 12, 2009, I immediately made my way to 7, RCR. Dr Singh was hunched at his desk, reading a book, when I barged in and showed him the ink mark on my left index finger. Dr Singh nodded.

I noticed there was no ink mark on any of his fingers.

“Sir, aren’t you going to vote for the candidate of your choice?” I asked cheerfully.

The Prime Minister got up and looked out of the window, fixing his gaze at a peacock in the lawn that separates 7, RCR from 3, RCR, the Prime Minister’s domestic quarters.

“I want to, Baru,” Dr Singh whispered, “but I am waiting for clearance from madam.”

“But Sir,” I remonstrated, “ you are the bloody Prime Minister and an Indian citizen, moreover. You don’t need clearance from Sonia for this also. You have the right to vote for the candidate of your choice through secret ballot.”

The Prime Minister sighed. “There are limits to what I can do, Baru. Voting is a political decision and you know I have zero political authority. It’s better that Sonia ji signs off on the file on who I should vote for.”

I nodded my head and took his leave with sadness. The Prime Minister’s authority, zero to begin with, was now slipping into negative territory. I knew time had come to put in my papers and jump the sinking ship.

[For spicy revelations, pick up a copy of 'The Accidental Prime Minister'. For spicier revelations, pick up ‘Unreal Elections’, which chronicles goings-on in UPA II from 2012 to present]

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UnReal Elections Tue, 15 Apr 2014 08:10:02 +0000 UnReal Mama

(Note: This is REAL news)

If you like The Unreal Times, then you will love our novel, Unreal Elections, a satirical take on the politics leading up to the 2014 General Elections, replete with revelations that will leave you breathless with laughter.

The UPA regime finds itself on the backfoot: damaging allegations against Robert Vadra, a Prime Minister whose authority and clout is rapidly diminishing, and a sinking economy spell doom for its electoral fortunes. Sonia Gandhi, however, is undeterred. Perhaps she has an ace up her sleeve. With her man Friday, Ahmed Patel, she prepares the reluctant Rahul Gandhi to take over as number two.

A thousand kilometers away, an ambitious Chief Minister sits in his spartan Gandhinagar office, and ponders about the various obstacles in his path to the top – an estranged mentor, an aggressive media and his own controversial past. With his right hand man, Amit Shah, he then begins to draw the contours of a strategy…

Unbeknownst to these two warring teams, in a non-descript office in Kolkata, socialist Prakash Karat embarks upon a mission to disrupt the best laid plans of the two principal parties.

Then there’s the small matter of a masked vigilante…

How these narratives converge in a stunning climax forms the story of Unreal Elections.

Get your copy today! Available on Amazon and Flipkart. Ebook versions also available on Flipkart and Google Play.

(Note: Flipkart’s delivery date is set to be updated very soon. Amazon’s kindle version will be available very soon as well. If you find that the book isn’t in stock and would like to be notified when it is back in stock, send us an email at theunrealtimes AT gmail DOT com)


Excerpt from UnReal Elections: “Kejriwal’s expose spree”:


And now, some UnReal Praise for UnReal Elections:

Sonia Gandhi:

Nice book ya. Give me a call if you get into trouble with Congress activists.


Rahul Gandhi:

Last night at 4 in the morning, my mother came to my room, cried with laughter and said, “Beta,  Unreal Elections is awesome!”


Manish Tewari:

Insofar as Unreal Elections is concerned, a holistic summary of behind the scene machinations juxtaposed with satire.


Amit Shah:

Great book. I read it as early as December when the first draft was lying on their computers.


Prakash Karat:

My most favourite book after Das Kapital!


Punya Prasun Bajpai:

Krantikari bahut krantikari!



I now keep UnReal Elections in my bedside table instead of the Bible.


Somnath Bharti:

If you guys need help with spamming to spread the word, lemme know. Great work.


Arvind Kejriwal:

After reading the book, with great sadness I have to conclude that the URT guys are also Ambani agents. I will have to expose them also.


Mulayam Singh Yadav:

Wanted to buy the book off Flipkart but have now changed my mind. Heading to Crosswords.


Ravi Shastri:

These guys have flashed and flashed hard. Goes right down to the wire. Give it the full monty and buy it!

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Major blow to Modi: Gujarat model fails the Miss India test Tue, 15 Apr 2014 03:53:24 +0000 Ramesh Soundararajan Finally, after deep research, analysts have found fatal flaws in the Gujarat model. Performance of Gujaratis has been abysmal in beauty pageants and sports events in the last decade. This proves that the Gujarat model is not suitable for the rest of the country.

Economists from the International Institute of Gujarat Analysis have come up with a comprehensive analysis of the drawbacks in the Gujarat model. Consider the Femina Miss India beauty pageant. This is supposed to compare the models from different states. In this, we find that no one from Gujarat has ever won the pageant in its existence! Even though Modi has been making tall claims, things have not changed in the last decade. In contrast, models from Maharashtra and Delhi have done very well and won the Miss India title multiple times. You need to just look at who has been ruling these states in the last ten years! This is significant because Modi is supposed to have said that girls suffer from malnutrition in Gujarat as they are figure conscious.

The Gujarat Institute chief, Palaniyappan Karthi, said, “Either you have nutrition. Or you have figure conscious people, winning Miss India. If neither is happening, then does the model not fail? So we can conclusively say that Gujarat model does not produce successful models.”

“Failure to win Miss India contests also means Gujarat scores below the national average when it comes to producing Bollywood belles. Even Bihar, which under the Nitish regime saw the blossoming of Sonakshi Sinha, scores better. Karnataka under congress rule has seen Deepika Padukone break into the top three. What can Gujarat boast of? Ameesha Patel? I rest my case,” Karthi added. The last Gujju Bollywood bombshell was Dimple Kapadia and Gujarat was under Congress rule then.        

In a major blow, the study found that the participation of Gujaratis in sports is also abysmal. As of now, they do not even have an IPL team. While Gujarat has three teams in the Ranji trophy (Gujarat, Baroda and Saurashtra,) their performance has been mixed. The Gujarat Cricket Association, headed by Narendra Modi, has not won anything of note. Interestingly, Baroda did win the Ranji trophy the year Modi became CM. They lost in the finals next year and since then won nothing. Baroda’s only contribution to the national team is Ambati Rayudu, as Telugu as they come.

The experts also pointed out the strange maladies suffered by players from Baroda. He said, “Look at Irfan Pathan. For eight months in an year, he gets injured. But every year, he becomes alright in February, plays a few tournaments and IPL and then promptly picks up an injury and skips all other tournaments. Does this not constitute a flaw in the model? Or his half-brother Yusuf Pathan. Poor guy has been playing the same two shots for the last ten years. His IPL price has dropped from the crores to lakhs. If the Gujarat model is any good, should he not have become a world beater by now?”

What about Cheteshwar Pujara and Sir Ravindra Jadeja, two pillars of the Indian team? But the expert Lakshmanchandra Guha noted that they are from Junagadh region which has produced champion cricketers from time immemorial. Even Hanif Mohammed came from there. So, there is little that Modi has been able to add to a historical advantage, whereas Ranchi has produced three India players in the last ten years. That is what we call as model improvement!

“Or you look at Karnataka cricket team. They won nothing in the last five years. But this year, they won three major trophies including Irani cup beating a rest of India team. Do you realize how a regime change has revitalized their team? That is how a model should deliver,” said Guha, who has already written 100 articles on the one Ranji match he watched in 1974.

The institute seemed to have reams of such information relating to cricket, football, tennis, Bollywood, kabaddi and other fields you cannot even imagine. Our expert said, “This is what we decided. One can keep talking of industrial growth, agriculture, power availability and so on. But people can only understand cricket, Bollywood and spend their team looking up these. Why not give them what they want? We plan to release this study tomorrow.”

Times Now is highlighting the story as “No models in Gujarat model.” NDTV is thinking of bringing back that old favorite, “In a major blow to…”

(Check out Unreal Elections, a satirical take on 2014 elections, published by Penguin)

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BJP launches The ArthaShastri to take on The Economist Mon, 14 Apr 2014 05:55:55 +0000 India Speaks BJP launched a full-fledged attack on foreign media yesterday by launching their own international magazine called The Arthashastri. Stung by repeated criticisms by international news outlets like The Economist and The Guardian, BJP president Rajnath Singh announced that the party has decided to take the fight right to the opponents. While Yeswanth Sinha has been appointed as the editor in chief, rumors in 10, Ashoka Road suggest that the deadly triumvirate of Amit Shah-Subramanian Swamy- Rajnath Singh will be pulling the editorial strings. Amit Shah shall focus on domestic issues while coordinating the attack on the foreign press has been left to Rajnath Singh. Dr Swamy will be concentrating on his forte of entertainment news, political gossip and the latest in the world of fiction.

The inaugural issue has wasted no time in going for the jugular of the international media. In the leading article titled “The NDTV of England”, Ravishankar Prasad categorically demanded the resignation of the editor of The Guardian for publishing multiple anti-Modi articles. In a more toned down opinion piece titled “Will Modi make a great PM or the greatest PM?”, Madhu Kishwar laid down concrete evidence of how even before taking the oath of office, Modi has surpassed all previous PMs in terms of achievements. Dr Subramanian Swamy’s piece titled ‘1001 tales from my file cabinet’ dwelled on, among other stories, how he single-handedly brought down the circulation of The Economist and The Guardian within India to single digits.

However a more contentious article by him discussing why Bobby Jindal should acknowledge his Marwari heritage didn’t make the cut. Careful to avoid any future controversy, the editorial board smarty allowed L K Advani to pen a 15 page article mysteriously titled “Kya Se Kya Ho Gaya”. The primary takeaway of the article was an avant-garde proposal where Advani suggested that if BJP wins, the post of PM should go to party leaders in the alphabetical order of their surnames.

Rumors about the release of a new party publication had already started circulating for the past ten days. However the event got delayed primarily because Amit Shah struggled to write something which wouldn’t be deemed controversial. At the end he just wrote a one liner in the last page ‘An apple a day will keep the doctor away’ which the party agreed was a positive and helpful message.

However all hopes were belied when on the day of the launch, Arvind Kejriwal strongly condemned Amit Shah as the biggest threat to the medical fraternity. AAP managed to get 100 doctors to agitate outside the BJP head quarters who demanded that Amit Shah apologize for proposing that jobs in medicine be outsourced to fruits. In a separate agitation organized by rival factions in AAP, orange and banana farmers outraged that while their products also played a key role in keeping doctors away, Amit Shah provide how divisive he is by speaking only about apples.

But the delay in publication had a silver lining as Narendra Modi got the opportunity to clear the air on his marital status. A move which is bound to crush the growing chorus in the opposition about how Mr Modi abandoned his wife, the next prime minister chose to respond in a very unconventional manner. In a stunningly eloquent and poignant haiku, Mr Modi explained the circumstances of his wedding to Jasodaben. The Unreal Times has been permitted by the publishers of The Arthashastri to reproduce the haiku below:

Galti Se Mistake,
Ho Gaya, Sorry.

Such an eclectic collection of articles has resulted in the copies of the magazine flying off the shelves. The official Gujarat Government website has already claimed that 1.7 billion copies of The Arthashastri have been sold on the very first day. Additionally two unnamed Gujarati business families have promised to airdrop copies of the magazine all over India.  The website goes on to say that the target is to ensure every person on this planet and the few astronauts in the International Space Station will have at least one copy of the magazine by next week. With such a tremendous launch, The ArthaShastri is well poised to challenge the influence of opinion makers across the globe.

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In Tweets: Celebrities wish The UnReal Times on its 3rd birthday Mon, 14 Apr 2014 03:39:26 +0000 Ashwin Kumar Exactly three years ago, when we started The UnReal Times, we didn’t think we’d survive for even a year. So on our third birthday, as we head into an uncertain UPA-less future, we look back fondly at the fun we’ve had as a team, and thank our readers for staying with us and encouraging us to continue doing this on a daily basis. Do leave a comment, because our celebrity followers already have:

















(Inputs from the UnReal Team)

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