The UnReal Times http://www.theunrealtimes.com India's favorite satire, spoof, parody and humour portal - Politics, Cricket, Business, Governance, Technology, Foreign Affairs and more Thu, 03 Sep 2015 07:41:53 +0000 en-US hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.4.2 UnReal Toon: Modi government takes note of less than expected GDP growth rate in 1st quarterhttp://www.theunrealtimes.com/2015/09/03/unreal-toon-modi-government-takes-note-of-less-than-expected-gdp-growth-rate-in-1st-quarter/ http://www.theunrealtimes.com/2015/09/03/unreal-toon-modi-government-takes-note-of-less-than-expected-gdp-growth-rate-in-1st-quarter/#comments Thu, 03 Sep 2015 07:38:33 +0000 Sagar Kumar http://www.theunrealtimes.com/?p=40767 Belying expectations, the Indian economy grew at just 7 percent in the first quarter of the ongoing fiscal year. PM Modi and Finance Minister Arun Jaitley took note of this:

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Hardik Patel to meet Indrani Mukherjea to create the mother of all news storieshttp://www.theunrealtimes.com/2015/09/03/hardik-patel-to-meet-indrani-mukherjea-to-create-the-mother-of-all-news-stories/ http://www.theunrealtimes.com/2015/09/03/hardik-patel-to-meet-indrani-mukherjea-to-create-the-mother-of-all-news-stories/#comments Thu, 03 Sep 2015 03:34:05 +0000 UnReal Mama http://www.theunrealtimes.com/?p=40762

(Image via intoday.in)

Indian political activism’s latest sensation, young Hardik Patel, is all set to meet controversial media executive Indrani Mukherjea, in a news story that is likely to send media houses into a feeding frenzy.

The 22-year old activist said that he intended to take a weekend’s break from his activism, but didn’t want to slip off the news radar. That’s when he struck upon the idea of meeting Indrani to create, in Hardik’s words, the “mother of all news stories”.

“I could’ve said baap of all news stories, but I didn’t want to sound sexist, so I decided to call it the mother of all news stories,” Patel said, “The past few days of relentless media coverage has catapulted me to a position of stardom that I just can’t afford to slip down from, even marginally. To keep my activism going and growing, it’s important that I continue to be in the spotlight. But the past few days have also stressed me out a little, so I needed at least a weekend’s break before resuming my activism back in full swing. I was wondering how to continue to remain in the news and that’s when this idea hit me.”

Indian media sources said that news channels are already preparing themselves to the fullest extent possible in order to cover the event as best as they can. “Even if aliens invade, or if there’s nuclear war or another holocaust, we’ve made sure there are enough journalists to cover this legendary, epic meeting that’s going to take place. We’ve also arranged for an ambulance to tag along with each OB van – there’s every chance of our journalists hyperventilating excessively and God forbid, if something happens, we should be fully prepared,” a top media honcho told The UnReal Times.

According to sources, editor-in-chief Arnab Goswami spontaneously orgasmed when he was informed of the development. “WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY, MISTER REPORTER? HARDIK PATEL MEETING INDRANI MUKHERJEA? THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE! THIS IS JUST…AAAHHHHH!” exclaimed Arnab.

At the time of publishing this piece, the already explosive news story seems to have gone nuclear, with IPL founder Lalit Modi inviting himself to the party. “I would like to facilitate this meeting and take it to a whole new level,” Modi apparently said.

(Based on an idea by Ashwin Kumar)

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An open letter to Mr. Hardik Patel (in rap style)http://www.theunrealtimes.com/2015/09/02/an-open-letter-to-mr-hardik-patel-in-rap-style/ http://www.theunrealtimes.com/2015/09/02/an-open-letter-to-mr-hardik-patel-in-rap-style/#comments Wed, 02 Sep 2015 04:41:34 +0000 Citizen Satirist http://www.theunrealtimes.com/?p=40754 Hardik Patel’s agitation has not only awakened the dormant political impulses of the Patel community but also stimulated its creative juices. Inspired by Hardik, fellow Patel and motel owner, Damodar Patel, penned this open letter in rap style to the politically enterprising 21 year old:

Mr. Hardik Patel. Dude. Who are you ??
With thoughts of brilliance that strikes very few
To lead lakhs of folks without a clue
And claim for rights which was never your due

Mr. Hardik Patel. Dude. Who are you ?
Just a few days back nobody knew
To put forth such a “reformist” view
You  stopped an entire state for a day or two

Mr. Hardik Patel. Dude. Who are you?
Who is your godfather, where is your crew
A leader cannot  spring, out of the blue
Somebody’s got to be pushing you through

Mr. Hardik Patel. Dude. Who are you?
I heard your speeches, clueless what to construe
For a moment, it almost felt like deja vu
Are there goons behind you, waiting for a cue?

Mr. Hardik Patel. Dude. Now where are you?
After such a huge fan club you did accrue
And slapping my state with a bloody curfew
You simply left, without an adieu ?

Well. Mr. Hardik Patel. I have a jingle for you
For the next maha rally already in queue…

Here comes our leader Hardik Patel
With pan in his mouth and hair full of tel
He walks out even before he walks into jail
And claims that he dines in Damodar’s motel

and the chorus goes like this..

Damodar’s motel, Damodar’s motel
for gathiya jalebi and spicy bhel…

-Signing off
Damodar Patel
Proprietor, Damodar’s Motel
Gulbai Tekra
Ahmedabad
{Note: Visit our motel and avail 10% discount by liking this post]

(Submitted by Nagashree Iyer)

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Facebook Wall: Reactions to India’s historic series win over Sri Lankahttp://www.theunrealtimes.com/2015/09/02/facebook-wall-reactions-to-indias-historic-series-win-over-sri-lanka/ http://www.theunrealtimes.com/2015/09/02/facebook-wall-reactions-to-indias-historic-series-win-over-sri-lanka/#comments Wed, 02 Sep 2015 02:57:52 +0000 UnReal Mama http://www.theunrealtimes.com/?p=40746 Team India notched its first series win abroad under new captain Virat Kohli after Ashwin and Ishant Sharma aided by other bowlers bowled out the Sri Lankan line up for 268 to win by 117 runs. After the presentation ceremony, the players took to Facebook to relax and recharge. Our correspondent Mark Zuckerpandian brings you the story:

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Tom Cruise seeks inspiration from Superstar Rajini to pull off Mission Impossible VIhttp://www.theunrealtimes.com/2015/09/01/tom-cruise-seeks-inspiration-from-superstar-rajini-to-pull-off-mission-impossible-vi/ http://www.theunrealtimes.com/2015/09/01/tom-cruise-seeks-inspiration-from-superstar-rajini-to-pull-off-mission-impossible-vi/#comments Tue, 01 Sep 2015 07:47:48 +0000 UnReal Mama http://www.theunrealtimes.com/?p=40736 “But Rajini sir, I am 53 years old,” Tom Cruise cried. “It really is mission impossible from this point on.”

“Naansense,” the superstar retorted. “Kanna, nothing is impossible. Not even the word impossible.”

Mrs Rajinikant walked in with some mixture and murku. “Thanks, aunty,” Tom said, as he slurped the residual layer of his filter coffee. If Cruise was awed to be inside the superstar’s posh Poes Garden residence, he was trying his best not show it.

“I am not you, Rajni sir. Sure, I have a loyal chick following but they are very demanding. A lot of effort goes into pulling off the 50 going on 20 look for them. And it’s getting tougher to enact those running as though my pants are on fire scenes,” the Hollywood celebrity remonstrated to his idol.

Kanna, it is not about the looks and stunts but about the attitude. Once your attitude is right, anything is possible. In fact, in Robot II where I will be romancing Deepika, I won’t even bother sporting a wig,” the superstar revealed, running his hand over his bald plate.

“So you are saying I need to be myself?”

“Yes, kanna. Your genuine fans want to see you, not Ethan Hunt. Quit that silly diet you are on, lose the hair threading, go easy on the botox. Then why just Mission Impossible 6, kanna, you will go on to do Mission Impossible 7, 8, 9 and 10 as well. The key is to be yourself.”

“I am not sure, Rajini sir. I am not you and the fact that my romantic lead will be young enough to be my grand-daughter…”

The phone rang. “Just a minute, kanna,” Rajini said, answering the call. “What? Sonam Kapoor as my romantic lead in Robot III? Naah, that will be coming out in 2020 and she’ll be too old then…Oh, I see, you meant Sonam Kapoor as my mother. I’m cool with that.”

“Where were we, pa?” Rajini resumed the conversation.

But Tom Cruise was ready to take leave, the self doubt replaced by self-confidence, tightened jaws in place of furrowed brows. The Top Gun star sported his aviator jacket, put on his shades, dialled his co-producer and said, “Ethan Hunt reporting for Mission Impossible 6.”

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COMIC: Cheteshwar Pujara soaks in the praise for his match-winning knockhttp://www.theunrealtimes.com/2015/09/01/comic-cheteshwar-pujara-soaks-in-the-praise-for-his-match-winning-knock/ http://www.theunrealtimes.com/2015/09/01/comic-cheteshwar-pujara-soaks-in-the-praise-for-his-match-winning-knock/#comments Tue, 01 Sep 2015 03:48:47 +0000 UnReal Mama http://www.theunrealtimes.com/?p=40728 Cheteshwar Pujara’s spectacular knock of 145 may very well go on to win the match and the series for his captain Virat Kohli. Needless to say, the legends showered the youngster with fulsome praise…

 

 

 

 

(Image thumbnail sources: 1a, 1b, 2a, 2b, 3a, 3b, 4a, 4b, 5a, 5b)

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Rohit Shetty to blow up SRK’s new 4 Cr vanity van along with other SUVs in “Dilwale”http://www.theunrealtimes.com/2015/08/31/rohit-shetty-to-blow-up-srks-new-4-cr-vanity-van-along-with-other-suvs-in-dilwale/ http://www.theunrealtimes.com/2015/08/31/rohit-shetty-to-blow-up-srks-new-4-cr-vanity-van-along-with-other-suvs-in-dilwale/#comments Mon, 31 Aug 2015 13:44:53 +0000 Ashwin Kumar http://www.theunrealtimes.com/?p=40722 Bollywood director and SUV-destroyer Rohit Shetty, has announced that he will raise the bar in his upcoming film Dilwale with Bollywood superstar Shah Rukh Khan. The “Chennai Express” director has reportedly added a scene where King Khan’s new vanity van, reportedly worth INR 4 crore, will leap high into the air before blowing up in spectacular Shetty fashion.

As Bollywood fans may know, Shetty’s films are known for their actions scenes featuring cars and jeeps being blown up. So when it was time to discuss such a scene for Dilwale, the director decided that he wanted something much bigger this time.

“I’m aware that a lot of people watch my films for either Ajay Devgn or Shah Rukh Khan. But besides making movies with them, my own signature is the fact that at least a dozen jeeps and cars will blow up at some point or the other. In fact, I’ve heard that most of my fans wait for this scene and walk out of the theater right after, just like how Emraan Hashmi’s fans walk out once the love-making scene is over. With Dilwale marking yet another SRK-Kajol reunion, the stakes are high this time and expectations have reached the skies. I cannot have a banal scene with a few random SUVs blowing up this time. I was thinking hard about how to make it bigger, and that’s when SRK showed me his all-new swanky, glittering vanity van worth 4 crore,” Shetty told The UnReal Times.

“Shooting this scene will be the most challenging thing I’ve ever done, even more daring than my stint at Khatron Ke Khiladi. We’ve got to get this scene right in one single take. Just imagining this stunning 4 Crore beast leaping up in the air gives me goosepimples. Ah! Just can’t wait!” Shetty added.

Meanwhile, the Baadshah of Bollywood said that while he was disappointed that he will have to bid farewell to his vanity van so soon, he would do it since the script demands it. “Yeah, it is disappointing. But I’m sure that the prospect of this very scene is going to fetch 100 crore at the box office, so taking 4 crore from there and buying another bus won’t be a problem. Bade bade deshon mein, aise choti choti baatein hoti rehti hai, senorita!” King Khan told our correspondent.

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COMIC: Liberals troll PM Modihttp://www.theunrealtimes.com/2015/08/31/comic-liberals-troll-pm-modi/ http://www.theunrealtimes.com/2015/08/31/comic-liberals-troll-pm-modi/#comments Mon, 31 Aug 2015 04:34:35 +0000 Pankaj Vaidya http://www.theunrealtimes.com/?p=40708 22 year old Hardik Patel has been all over the news over the past week. It is only a matter of time before he reaches the pinnacle of mainstream media, Aaj ki Adalat. Meanwhile, liberals are having a good time shooting at PM Modi by perching their guns on Hardik’s shoulders…

 


Kejriwal: Hardik, you carry on, we are with you!

 

 

 

 

 

 

(Image sources: 3b, 4a, 4b, 6b, 7a, 7b, 8a, 8b. Rest via intoday.in) 

References for Hardik’s statements: 1, 2, 3

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Barack Obama makes first call to PM Modi’s hotline, says he’s fed up of Indrani Mukherjea coveragehttp://www.theunrealtimes.com/2015/08/30/barack-obama-makes-first-call-to-pm-modis-hotline-says-hes-fed-up-of-indrani-mukherjea-coverage/ http://www.theunrealtimes.com/2015/08/30/barack-obama-makes-first-call-to-pm-modis-hotline-says-hes-fed-up-of-indrani-mukherjea-coverage/#comments Sun, 30 Aug 2015 06:23:57 +0000 Ashwin Kumar http://www.theunrealtimes.com/?p=40705 Indian media’s obsession with the Indrani Mukherjea – Sheena Bora case has gotten on the nerves of not just millions of people all over the country, but also people halfway across the world, most notably US President Barack Obama.

In his first call to PM Narendra Modi on the newly operational hotline, President Obama said that he was sick and tired of the non-stop coverage of Mukherjea. “I tell ya, seriously, Gandhi would’ve been shocked to see this reportage,” President Obama told PM Modi, “I constantly tune in to the Indian media to see them bashing you all day and have a good laugh, but for the past few days, by focusing solely on this Indrani lady, they’ve disappointed me big time. Can we put an end to this, Narendra? YES WE CAN!” to which PM Modi apparently replied, “Yuss we will!”

“One would’ve thought that since this weekend had Avani Avittam and Gayatri Jabam chanting, your folks would’ve intruded Sundar Pichai’s house here and run exclusives on his celebrations. But no, they’ve still stuck on Indrani,” POTUS added, “It won’t be long before I pen another write-up for the TIME magazine, this time, about your Arnab Goswami, labeling him as India’s outrager-in-chief.”

Obama’s concern was, however, soon addressed when Indian media channels began to blame PM Modi for their own obsession with the incident. “It’s not unusual, if you look at it. Had we covered Raksha Bandhan and the like, we would have fed ghee to the already burning, chest-thumping, disturbing nationalism and jingoism of the rabid Hindutva right wing. So we focused on the next best thing to report on,” a liberal journalist told The UnReal Times.

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Exclusive with Hardik Patel: Leader presses case for Axar Patel’s selection to Indian teamhttp://www.theunrealtimes.com/2015/08/30/exclusive-with-hardik-patel-leader-presses-case-for-axar-patels-selection-to-indian-team/ http://www.theunrealtimes.com/2015/08/30/exclusive-with-hardik-patel-leader-presses-case-for-axar-patels-selection-to-indian-team/#comments Sun, 30 Aug 2015 04:00:44 +0000 PaajivsPunter http://www.theunrealtimes.com/?p=40691 According to latest developments, Hardik Patel is due to make his latest demands on behalf of the Patel community to the BCCI in a take it or take it offer. The firebrand leader of the fafda loving community has laid an ultimatum to the BCCI selection committee after Axar Patel’s stupendous show in Wayanad against South Africa A. Social media bottom rung journalist paajivspunter has the scoop in his “hot off the press” exclusive:

PVP: Jai Shri Krishna Hardik bhai! What is the main issue you are concerned about?

HP: Jai Shri Krishna! The main issue is that we have always been discriminated and never given our due in this land. We have been grossly misrepresented in jokes against our community. The sardars have amassed all the best jokes for themselves leaving us with crumbs such as snakes and coke! Now Russell Peters has spoiled my name as well.

PVP: You feel that your community does not get any support?

HP: Of course, look at how many Patels have represented India? They never gave BrijeshJasu or Munaf a proper chance. You will see that Patels have played the game with distinction in New ZealandEngland and Kenya. Why not in India? (Gets angrier) Our crouching tiger hidden dragon Parthiv even sledged the baap of mental disintegration Steve Waugh. They should have given him a bravery award for opening and putting India in the driver’s seat many times when he did not even have a driver’s license. Instead, they give his spot to some Bihari. So typical!

PVP: But why are you taking matters into your own hands?

HP: (Growls) Why not? Omar Abdullah backs Rasool, why can’t I do it for my people? But then there are other chief ministers who have given our community a bad name (sighs).

PVP: Now you want a spot for Axar Patel?

HP: What more must the boy do? You tell me….they said he had no x- factor, he changed the spelling of his name. I thought media will concentrate on him as he has changed his name like several Bollywood stars. Instead those idiots talk about how Irfan has never played for Gujarat in Modi’s time and now does not play for India.

PVP: What is your stance on reservation?

HP: When it comes to ticket booking on IRCTC, I am anti-reservation. We don’t get a berth and people without tickets occupy our rightful place. Why reserve in the first place? Also, don’t forget that a fellow Gujarati was thrown out of a first class compartment in South Africa, in spite of having a ticket. Axar has surely avenged that humiliation and discrimination today. The only way to honour him is to make him captain of our team.

PVP: What is your dream for the future?

HP: I want adequate representation. Proper jokes on my community, a Star Sports IPL ad for my community instead of “Kanna keep calm” aimed at pleasing Srini maama. The real victory will come when Ravi Shastri will say “Kem cho” at every cricket ground like Barack Obama. I have this dream where one day, there will be many Patels in the Indian team. Don’t forget, a Patel boy has scored more maidens to his credit in this match than any Gujju boy with a US passport- this will make an impact (Beams with pride). If you want to see more than these many maidens in one place, you have to go to a Dandiya Raas only!

(Originally published in PaajivsPunter)

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