The UnReal Times India's favorite satire, spoof, parody and humour portal - Politics, Cricket, Business, Governance, Technology, Foreign Affairs and more Sun, 01 Feb 2015 18:24:38 +0000 en-US hourly 1 EXCLUSIVE: Arvind Kejriwal writes a letter to Delhi Sun, 01 Feb 2015 18:16:05 +0000 Fakeriwal Dear Dilli,

Bharat mata ki jai. I love y’all. xOxO. #bae

It’s been a tiring week. It’s not easy to figure out what a government can possibly do for more than 49 days. But I’m proud that the team rose to the challenge and produced a 70-point manifesto. This time, we have not put any deadlines for ourselves. So, technically it’s possible that we might announce all freebies in the first 49 days and then do dharnas for the remainder of the term. As Yogendra reminded us, before we kissed the Dilli dirt and got started on the manifesto, “You can fool some people all the time. Those are the people for whom we are writing our manifesto. Write your hearts out.” And so we did. If you have noticed, I have not ruled out dharnas. ‘Dharnas’ #anagram is ‘rash dna’. Dude, I can’t help it. It’s in the genes. Be prepared. Anything is possible. As Rumi once wisely said, “Beyond right and wrong doing, there is a field. Meet me there because that’s an awesome place for dharnas.”#YOLO.

Chetan Bhagat called me on the mobile while we were in the middle of our work. I was tempted to not answer his call. But he’s like a vaccum cleaner salesman. He always shows up at the door unannounced, keeps ringing the doorbell and refuses to go away until you answer. Turns out he wanted some ideas for his novel. I told him to wait till our manifesto was posted on the website and he could get a lot of ideas from it. He seemed quite nervous on hearing this. I suspect he knows that I am his competitor. Both of us are IITians. Both of us want to appeal to youth. Both of us want to sell them a dream. I can understand his tension. We are both after the same market. His dream costs 90 rupees a person. I have a feeling that mine could cost a lot more.

Anyway, coming back to the election manifesto. I hope all of y’all read it. I plan to buy a lot of awesome goodies for you over the next five years, using your credit cards. We’ll probably max all the cards out in 2 years and have collection guys chasing us for 3 years. But, let’s promise each other that we’re going to have good fun doing it, right? #HighFive. Last time, I hurriedly quit office in 49 days. When I think about it, that was not the right thing to do. I should have stuck around and spent more and more of public money. This time, I solemnly swear to not quit office before my five years are up or until your money runs out, whichever comes first. Life’s short. Carpe diem. Let’s spend your money. #YOLO.

Dear Dilli, I tell you this: If you repeat your mistake, I promise not to repeat mine. xOxO. #bae

There are lots of things in the manifesto I want to tell you about. For example, the first thing on the agenda is not jobs. It’s not women safety. It’s not even right to basic amenities like water and electricity. Guess what, the #1 item on the manifesto is a Delhi Janlokpal. I haven’t decided what this guy will do. Btw, the Delhi Janlokpal will be a guy because every time we let a woman into AAP, she ends up leaving in a huff. What’s with these women? Aren’t they happy that we want to keep them safe and secure by providing free WiFi everywhere and Suraksha buttons on their cellphones? Now they want to be heard and have a voice in decisions too? This is too much yaar. Anyway, coming back to Delhi Janlokpal, I haven’t decided what this guy will do. I think I’ll ask him to keep a close eye on Honey Singh to make sure he doesn’t release any albums in the next five years. #Burn

Aam aadmis have God given rights to water and electricity and…err.. WiFi. By “right,” I mean they should not have to pay for these things. When I was in IIT, I remember my revulsion when studying Economics in first year. Economics is nothing more than silly propaganda that makes businessmen believe that they are somehow entitled to profits. I want to make Delhi a place where every one gets everything free and where businessmen are not allowed to make profits. And, our bet is that this will somehow create the 8 lakh jobs that we have promised in our manifesto. Wait.. that sounds crazy and like something Ashutosh would say. Don’t worry. I’m confident that we can easily generate 8 lakh jobs in less than 5 years by asking 8 lakh people to quit their jobs and join AAP. #Burn.

Note: password for WiFi will be 49UTurns.

As for FDI in retail, we’re (obviously) against it. And I’ve already explained why in the tweet below.

I remember that an AAP fan once told me to watch the movie “Hangover.” It was quite disturbing, to be honest. It’s about a bunch of guys out of control, who wake up hungover after a party and find a tiger in the bathroom. I sometimes feel that movie is a reminder of how things might not play out the way Yogi and Manish are hoping. I sometimes feel like I’m treated by them like some sort of an heir to a huge fortune that I will inherit upon turning 21, and they are my caretakers until then. Let’s see.

BTW, Colors TV called and asked if they could order 12 more episodes of Somnath if I became CM. Very encouraging. If I don’t become CM, they want me, Yogendra and Ashutosh to star in a series called “Two and a Half Activists.” Also very encouraging.

Speaking of Yogendra, I’m proud of how he stays behind the scenes and quietly influences things. There’s something about a man in a salt-and-pepper beard and khadi kurta that makes you want to fondly hope that he knows what he is talking about. So far, the beard is working wonders for Yogendra. #respect. I remember the first time we met. He stood behind me as we gazed out from the balcony and wistfully remarked, “Look out there, Simba.. wherever sunlight touches.. that could be your kingdom.” It was moving. It was memorable. Tears rolled down Manish’s face as he watched that scene. I remember standing there, wondering if we were all stoned and high.

You’ll be happy to know that I have forgiven Yogi for making me stand against Modiji in Benares. After that traumatic experience, I was pretty pissed off with him for a while. But I’ve decided to let bygones be bygones and move on. It must be that beard. I’m telling you, that shrubbery has a weird mesmerizing effect on all of us. Anyway, this time it’s different. There is no Modiji. It’s only… K..k.. Kiran-ji. #Darr. Goddamnit.. why does Kiranji make me so nervous? I keep reminding myself that BJP is only interested in exploiting people’s frustration and I can do a better job of that. I tried to get Kiranji to debate me. She agreed on the condition that it should be moderated by Ugandans. So, we couldn’t agree. But it’s ok.

Some opinion polls are projecting that AAP will not get a majority or some nonsense like that. I don’t understand why would people spend money on polls to make us look bad, when Ashutosh does it daily on Twitter for free. I don’t know if you have been following Ashutosh on Twitter. My gut tells me that it’s only a matter of time before they append ‘syndrome’ to his name. #LOL Please don’t believe in surveys, polls, etc unless of course, they predict that AAP will win handsomely. I assure you that AAP will sweep Dilli and I will become CM. There will be a new Delhi Daredevils in town. When that happens, you will see white smoke rising from our headquarters. That will be the smoke from economics text books being burned and carried upwards into the skies by caution, which would have been thrown to the winds. #Burn

Some things are priceless, Dilli. For everything else, there’s always your Mastercard.

Last but not the least, please read our manifesto, whether you agree with it or not. btw, #anagram of ‘manifesto’ is ‘some faint’. Don’t let that scare you.

Bharat Mata ki Jai. Jai Hind. Give me your blessings. Love y’all. xOxO. #YOLO #bae

(Originally published in The Secret Diary Of Fakeriwal)

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COMIC: When The Ashutosh attended PM Narendra Modi’s rally in Delhi Sun, 01 Feb 2015 03:17:28 +0000 UnReal Mama In a rally at the national capital yesterday, Prime Minister Narendra Modi launched a blistering attack on the Aam Aadmi Party, accusing them of being back-stabbers and what not. How did The Ashutosh react?


Modi: If the world wants to be friends with India today, what’s the reason, friends?


Modi: The reason is aap/ you, friends!


Modi: I’ve come here to serve aap/you all


(With inputs from Ashwin)

(Images sources: 2a, 3b, 4b, 5b, 6b. Others from

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Inspired by Arvind Kejriwal, schoolboy warns parents against fake evaluation by teachers in exams Sun, 01 Feb 2015 02:36:03 +0000 Ashwin Kumar Taking a cue from Aam Aadmi Party convenor and former Delhi Chief Minister Arvind Kejriwal, Ashu, a below-average student of a reputed school, has warned parents that the teachers may deliberately evaluate their examination answer scripts wrongly, in order to bring them down.

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“I can’t study for nuts, but all along, I’ve somehow been able to convince my parents and quite a few family members, that I am honest, sincere and hard-working. I’ve been telling them – Yehi to scam hai ji, school mein sab mile hue hai ji (This is the scam, everyone in school’s together in this), and those ignorant fools have all fallen for my conspiracy theory that teachers, attendants, the principal and rival students’ parents are working overtime and setting extremely tough papers to bring my friends and I down, thanks to my inspiration, Arvindji” Ashu gloated.

“But this time, however, the papers were all very easy and yet, after answering rubbish for just 49 marks, I went out of the exam hall. I’m sure I won’t get more than 30. I knew my parents wouldn’t fall for my usual claim and was very dejected, wondering what to say. That is when I saw Arvindji‘s warning to AAP supporters to watch out for fake stings. That sparked another brainwave in me and I told not just my parents, but alerted parents of all students in the school, saying teachers aren’t genuinely evaluating our papers and are deliberately miscalculating our marks. So I asked them not to be surprised if we all fail terribly,” Ashu narrated.

“Arvindji rocks! I’m pretty sure my parents and family members are gonna buy this too and blame the teachers, rival students and everyone else for my uselessness,” smiled Ashu. “I have it all planned, ji. My final salvo will be this question – ‘A lot of my teachers use Reliance mobile network and broadband. Interesting, naaaa? Is it deliberate?’”

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Arnab Goswami to sue All India Bakchod for plagiarism, says The Newshour is India’s original Roast Sat, 31 Jan 2015 02:02:41 +0000 Ashwin Kumar The nation’s angriest man has gotten a little angrier, thanks to a video of All India Bakchod’s highly popular “Knockout,” being emailed to him as “India’s first Roast.” TIMES NOW editor-in-chief Arnab Goswami is all set to sue the comedy group for plagiarism.

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Goswami found support in long-term bunny Sanjay Jha. “Well, 2 things, Arnab. One. You’re absolutely right, AIB invited me for their next roast and I told them the same thing – that The Newshour is more than enough roasting for me and Two. We shouldn’t forget that what happened in 2002 was much more than a roasting, Arnab, because…” Jha muttered, before being interrupted by co-bunny Sambit Patra.

On Goswami’s instructions, the TIMES NOW team has also started working on a new advertisement for The Newshour, branding it India’s first and best Roast, with a compilation of Arnab roasting Abhijit Mukherjee, Americai Narayanan, Gaurav Bhatia, Kamal Mitra Chenoy before finishing the clip with Jha, Patra and AAP’s Ashutosh.

“Our fire graphics for burning questions are already a huge hit,” said a TIMES NOW technical department official. “The next step would be to have graphics of a fire below Sanjay Jha’s face – we can show some sticks of dried wood below the fire. We can also graphically show a barbeque stick being driven through Jha’s face, to indicate a proper roasting. Given the amount of butter Jha puts to the Congress high-command, the show is a completely delicious butter roast,” the official added.

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LEAKED: Gmail Inbox of Jayanthi Natarajan after her resignation Fri, 30 Jan 2015 17:10:49 +0000 Ashwin Kumar In what is bound to open a can of worms, senior Congress leader Jayanthi Natarajan’s letter to party president Sonia Gandhi, explaining in detail, the Tamil Nadu leader’s ordeal, was published in The Hindu and within minutes, dominated headlines and social media trends too. By afternoon, Natarajan had announced her resignation too. The UnReal Times Google correspondent Sirjee Brin brings you an exclusive snapshot of her Gmail Inbox:

(Click on image for larger view)

(With inputs from Ajayendar, UnReal Mama)

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UnReal Toon: Anna and his two shishyas Fri, 30 Jan 2015 03:19:10 +0000 Sagar Kumar Anna Hazare’s two disciples, Kiran Bedi and Arvind Kejriwal, have come a long way from the days where they used to sit at the Gandhian’s feet.

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TRANSCRIPT: Kiran Bedi appears on Koffee With Karan Fri, 30 Jan 2015 03:12:01 +0000 Ashwin Kumar

(Images via

In typical fashion, the camera zooms in to Karan Johar, who takes a sip from his coffee mug, looks up at the camera and smiles his typical smile. 

Karan: Good evening and welcome to Koffee With Ka…Oh no no no….K..k…k..k…k..k…Kiran! 

Karan: She’s been an inspiration to many Indian women, she’s a Magsaysay awardee and a tough cop.

Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for India’s first woman IPS officer, the endearingly masculine (winks) Falguni Pathak! (claps loudly, but the music doesn’t start) 

Karan (giggles): I’m sorry, I mean Kiran Bedi! Please welcome her! 

Kiran Bedi walks down the stairs, flashing the V sign all the way through. A hug follows, and then a peck on the cheek. 

Karan: Welcome to the show, darling! For the first time, I’m introducing my show as something other than Koffee With Karan – it’s Koffee with Kiran. Thank you so much for taking time off to speak exclusively to me!

Kiran (looks at her watch): My pleasure, Karan! But I’ve to go to a lot of other channels, I’m giving you only 15 minutes of time and you can ask whatever questions you want, within that time.

Karan (taken aback): Oh..kayyyyy..well, in that case, let me begin straightaway with the rapid fire round!

Here you go – The world’s best face: Brad Pitt, George Clooney, Bradle… 

Kiran (interrupts with a wide smile): Narendra Modi! 

Karan (giggles): Oh my Godddd …I haven’t even completed the options and you’re already bursting with the answer! 

Karan: Okay, next question – Parineeti (Chopra) or Falguni (Pathak) – the woman you’d rather be compared to?

Kiran: Sorry, but I have to say it’s Narendra Modi again, Karan…because…

Karan (giggles): Hahahaha…My my..are you going to take up his name in every answer?! Oh my Goddddd, yaa!

Kiran (visibly irritated): No no no..listen! Listen first, you’re interrupting me… you’re not letting me speak!

Karan (amused): Oh no, I surely don’t want to get on the wrong side of a cop, darling, so the stage is all yours, please go ahead!

Kiran: Thank you! I see a lot of myself in Mr.Modi – he has a will, a wish, a commitment to transform India and I have the same determination! To transform change the system! I have an extensive blueprint

Karan: Okay okay..moving on..

Kiran (irritated): You’re interrupting me again? Is this fair?

Karan: Darling, this is the rapid fire round, you’re supposed to give brief answers, not lengthy speeches, yaa!

Kiran (angry): NO! NO! NO! When I starting answering something, I complete it! Delhi needs a stable government! Delhi needs solid governance and I have decades of experience! I am a political scientist, I have been a police officer and a political observer and my total experience comes up to a staggering 40+ years! Delhi needs someone who can govern (with a child-like expression) and I can provide that. 

Karan is busy staring at the floor, chin resting on his fist.

Kiran (puzzled, clicks fingers in front of his eyes): Karan?

Karan (snaps out of his reverie and gets back): Oh! Sorry…Alright, moving on to the next question – Shah Rukh, Salman, Hrithik, Saif, Aamir or Amitabh Bachchan – the best actor?

Kiran: Amitabh Bachchan! It’s not for nothing that he has endorsed tourism in Gujarat!

Karan: Really? I was talking about his movies. Is he your favorite actor?

Kiran (digs into her handbag): Absolutely! I have been a political observer, a police officer and an avid movie watcher too! I observe movies, analyze them and their impact on culture. Look at this! (Pulls out a blue file) I have been observing Amitji since decades. I have been tracking his career and the man is phenomenal! He has gone through the highest echelons and the nadirs – Check this out. (shows Karan the file)

Dr.Bedi’s file contains all movie posters of the Big B, right from Deewar to Kabhi Kabhie to Silsila to Shahenshah to a screenshot of the epic Sooryavansham taken from the SET Max channel, right up to the most recent poster of the Big B’s upcoming movie, Shamitabh. Karan’s eyebrows go up in amazement.

Kiran: I pasted this poster just today. (breaks into a child-like smile again) I will surely be watching this movie when it releases and will be analyzing the Big B’s performance in that too!

Karan: Okay, moving on, the most important things in a Bollywood movie?

Kiran: 6S!

Karan (puzzled): I’m sorry, 6S?

Kiran: Yes! Every movie needs to have 6S to be successful – this is what I tell everywhere to every film person I meet! The movie has to have (holds up her fingers) a good Story, Screenplay, Starcast, Setting, Songs and last, but not the least, a Soul!

Karan (raises one eyebrow and smiles): Oh..kkkayyy…so cute! Very nicely put!

Moving on to the next question and my favorite one (raises eyebrow) – at gunpoint, if you were forced to have a gay encounter with someone, whom would it be?

Kiran sits still for 2 seconds and then picks up her coffee mug, drinks it all in one gulp and gets up to pull her microphone out.

Karan (surprised): What’s going on, Kiranji?

Kiran: Time is up, Karan! I told you earlier, that I’ve to go to other shows and I am very punctual. (begins walking to the stairs)

Karan: But there’s still 5 minutes left ..

Kiran (irritated): NO! NO! NO! I’m sorry..I have obliged you with enough time and there are other channels waiting for me, whose commitments I have to honour! (goes to the stairs)

Karan, who was following her, realizes he forgot the hamper and rushes back to pick it up.

Karan (screams): WAIT! Kiranji, you’ve won the coffee hamper! At least take that and go, naa?!

Kiran (without looking back, climbs up the stairs): Thank you very much, Karan! But I’m off now, we’ll continue this some other time.

Kiran Bedi goes back to the room, as a clueless Karan Johar stands near the staircase, holding the hamper. Karan immediately receives 2 texts on his cellphone, that read “LOL :D” and “ROFL,” from Arnab Goswami and Ravish Kumar respectively.

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COMIC: When AAP’s Ashutosh appeared on NewsHour to discredit BJP’s Kiran Bedi Fri, 30 Jan 2015 01:50:33 +0000 Ajayendar Reddy With an intense battle going on in Delhi between BJP and AAP to form the government, a report revealing that Kiran Bedi is registered as a voter in two constituencies rocked the capital with AAP going to town crying foul. Arvind Kejriwal decided to send AAP stalwart Ashutosh to NewsHour to destroy BJP’s credibility with this piece of information. An Unreal Exclusive on what happened next…




(Image thumbnails sources: 1a, 1b, 2a, 2b, 3a, 3b, 4a, 4b, 4c)

Find report of BJP claiming Arvind Kejriwal registered as voter in three constituencies here.

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Sacked Sujatha Singh gets plum offers to head foreign policy cells of Congress, JD(U), CPI-M Fri, 30 Jan 2015 01:10:44 +0000 UnReal Mama

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Sujatha Singh’s bureaucratic career may have ended ignominiously, having been summarily sacked by PM Modi 6 months before her tenure ended, but a promising political career beckons. The former foreign secretary has been sounded out by a clutch of secular parties, including the Congress, JD(U), CPI-M, to head their foreign policy cells.

“If she didn’t get along well with Narendra Modi, she must have outstanding secular credentials,” raved JD(U) chief, Nitish Kumar. “I am eagerly looking forward to her inputs on how India can improve ties with Saudi Arabia, Yemen, Mauritania and other Islamic and secular republics of the world.”

Prakash Karat seconded Nitsh Kumar’s assessment. “She might need some coaching on how India needs to suck up to China, not US, but yeah, the fact that she and Modi didn’t see eye to eye is good enough for us to count her as a fellow comrade reporting to me,” the CPI-M general secretary told The UnReal Times.

The Congress was even more welcoming. “As though being in Modi’s bad books wasn’t enough, she also was Sonia ji’s handpicked nominee. What more credentials does she need to play an important role in our party? In these days, when even staunch Gandhi family loyalists are singing praises of Modi, people like her are a rarity. If she accepts our offer, not only will she head the Congress foreign cell, but will also be adviser to Rahulji, who, as we all know, is a foreign policy enthusiast, especially on matters related to Western Europe,” a top ranking Congress leader said.

Only AAP has declined a lateral entry to Sujatha Singh. “We are a fledgling party without any aukaat. Last year, when we had dreams of contesting elections not only across India but other countries as well, we could have offered her a role under the tutelage of Yogendra ji. But now, we have nothing to do beyond the borders of Delhi. But haan, if she wants to work as an AAP volunteer and work towards making Arvind the next CM of Delhi, we’ll be more than happy to give her an AAP topi,” said AAP’s Manish Sisodiya.

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If Indian celebrities were to bake a cake… Thu, 29 Jan 2015 04:07:18 +0000 Kaushik R The art of cake making is not an easy one. It requires the proper proportion of flour, eggs and other ingredients. What if some big names were to bake cake? Naturally, they have their own style. And here’s how they did it.

MS Dhoni

Dhoni gets all ingredients ready and keeps them in cold storage. Depending on whether Srini mama wants a cake or not, he either bakes it for one second at 1000°C to get a picture perfect cake, or he saves his skills for a next time.

Arun Jaitley

Arun Jaitley announces on Facebook that he plans to bake a cake and then goes on to explain technical details. On realizing that his cake looks good, but doesn’t taste good, he invites NDTV to review his dish. He ends up getting rave reviews.

Subramanian Swamy

Swamy asks his PTs whether they want him to bake a cake or not. Irrespective of their opinion, he decides to bake a cake. He then uses all unconventional methods and everyone thinks he’s screwed it up. However, it turns out he had an alternative method and the cake is perfect.

Rajiv Shukla

Shukla has no idea about baking a cake, but he has the required ingredients. He goes to multiple folks, asking them to bake a cake. After getting fine pieces of pastry from various folks, he eats it himself.

Shashi Tharoor

Tharoor first says that he is shocked to find out that people assumed he could bake. However, on finding out that it would be good for him if he says he can bake, he decides to bake a cake.

O. Panneerselvam

The TN chief minister starts off by performing pooja to a photo of the “People’s CM” and then keeps it by his side while cooking. He and his colleagues manage to bake a good cake, and then hand it over to ‘madam’ for her perusal and appreciation. The cake was baked using Amma flour, which was bought from an Amma stores and paid on behalf of Amma’s party by Amma’s secretary.


Not to be beaten by his rival, Karunanidhi decides to add thrice the amount of everything in his cake. Needless to say, the cake ends up corrupted with flour.

Justice Katju

Justice Katju ensures that the eggs he is going to use are infertile, as the point of eggs is to increase the species count. He then adds all ingredients unnecessary to bake cake, and finally creates something that he calls cake. Those who argue that it doesn’t taste like cake are called homosexuals and are evicted from his kitchen.

Arvind Kejriwal

Kejriwal announces an SMS poll and asks the people whether he should bake a cake or not. After getting the approval of his people, he starts baking the cake. He adds too much flour and forgets to crack the eggs before adding them. On realizing the mess before him, he declares that the beater and the oven were in cahoots with Amit Shah. He then leaves behind a half-baked cake.

Arnab Goswami

The Nation’s judge-jury-and-executioner-combined does not need anything apart from a bowl to make his cake. Using the speed of the air that exits his mouth, he mixes the batter in the perfect ratio. He then cross questions the eggs and cracks them without even touching them. To bake it, he decides to channel all his primetime outrage on the mixture and Voila! It’s done.

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