The UnReal Times India's favorite satire, spoof, parody and humour portal - Politics, Cricket, Business, Governance, Technology, Foreign Affairs and more Sat, 01 Nov 2014 07:40:00 +0000 en-US hourly 1 COMIC: Indian ‘Liberals’ reacting to alleged acts of censorship Sat, 01 Nov 2014 07:39:20 +0000 Ajayendar Reddy A handful of right wingers on Twitter woke up to a surprise this morning when they logged in to Twitter only to find their accounts suspended. While they scrambled to get their accounts “unsuspended” and licked their lips at the prospect of trolling Twitter India, we compared the reaction of some liberals, then and now:


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Lays’ chips packets substitute for balloons in birthday party Sat, 01 Nov 2014 03:06:13 +0000 Ashwin Kumar

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Lays’ chips packets, usually associated with birthday parties and other get-togethers as the ideal party snack, were utilized differently, when a bunch of friends who got together to celebrate a birthday party, hung them up on walls, doors and windows in place of unavailable balloons.

“As usual, being a bunch of young Indian teenagers, we started off late and by the time the surprise party began, we were still out of balloons. We were celebrating at our farmhouse and the nearest balloon shop was miles away. We just couldn’t get them by the time her parents brought her in. I then saw loads of giant Lays packets on the table. With the large amount of inflated air in them, they looked exactly like bloated balloons in various colors, yellow, red, green, blue etc with a “Lays” logo on them. So we just took cellophane tapes and stuck each packet on all the doors, windows & lights. They made for balloons so wonderfully,” Ameer Sharif, the surprise planner told The UnReal Times. “Luckily, there was a hot chips shop around and we got big transparent packets, which actually had chips in them, by the time she was ushered in,” Ameer added.

“So when the birthday girl, Masoomi, came in, we took a few needles and punctured some of the Lays’ packets. They produced as loud and as amazing explosive sounds as real balloons and a few chips too, fell upon us all. It was awesome! Of course, from the next time onward, we’ll be careful enough to get balloons in advance, but now we know that in the unlikely event that there are no balloons, we do have a great and reliable backup in the form of Lays’ packets,” Ameer said.

Sources added that a day later, taking a cue from Ameer and his friends, a nearby petrol bunk too used Lays’ packets to inflate air into vehicle tires, when their air pump gave away.

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Satta bazaars lower odds on Kejriwal calling SC a BJP agent after it adjourns hearings on Delhi govt Fri, 31 Oct 2014 06:09:31 +0000 UnReal Mama

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Satta bazaars have drastically lowered the odds on Arvind Kejriwal dubbing the Supreme Court a BJP or Ambani agent. Hitherto, bookies were offering very high odds – Rs 10 to a rupee – on the AAP supremo casting aspersion on the apex court. This was in contrast to odds of 10 paisa to a rupee for Kejri insulting, say, a Lt Governor or Chief Minister of a BJP ruled state.

However, the odds changed dramatically in the wake of the Supreme Court adjourning hearings on AAP’s petition seeking dissolution of the Delhi Assembly till November 11. Kejriwal had earlier dubbed Lt Governor Jung a BJP agent for failing to call an all-party meeting on Wednesday itself. He then trained his guns on the Supreme Court with a series of tweets:


And so, when not only did the Supreme Court adjourn the hearings but to add insult to injury, went on to praise the Lt Governor for his exploration efforts at government formation, it was a question of when, not if. Accordingly, bookies are offering only 2 paisa per rupee now and doing brisk business.

Onlookers says that after the verdict, Kejriwal had turned red with rage, his facial muscles contorting into a grotesque countenance, and he was all set to voice his opinion on the highest court of the land when a gust of polluted Delhi air entered his lungs, inducing a spasm of coughs. Kejriwal had to confine himself to gritting his teeth as a nervous Prashant Bhushan led him away from the courtroom.

Punters however say it’s only a matter of time now. “Let the Delhi smog clear a bit. I personally feel he’ll call SC an Ambani agent rather than a BJP agent within the next few days,” a top Dubai based punter opined.

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Congress declares unconditional support to BJP in Maharashtra Fri, 31 Oct 2014 02:06:13 +0000 Sankrant Sanu

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The Congress party has declared unconditional support to BJP in Maharashtra as part of the “radical remake” of the party that the Party’s Vice President had been promising for some time.

“Rahul ji had said that new thinking is needed,” said newly minted Congress Spokes Man Americai Naryanan.”Part of that new thinking is for Congress to not to put a spoke in development”, the Spokes Man spoke.

Rahul Gandhi made this short announcement from Vishakhapatnam where he was surveying the cyclone that hit the Congress party. “The opposition keeps talking of a Modi wave, but it is clear there was no wave. It was a cyclone. A cyclone has different escape velocity than a wave. “

“We have to think in new terms and do away with the old guard,” he said. “If NCP can support the BJP, why not the Congress party? We have the first right to support them. We are the older party.”

Rolling up his sleeves, the Nehru Gandhi scion added, “The press calls AAP the B-Team of the Congress? I ask my party workers, when will we be the B-Team? It is not fair.”

This decision by the Congress heir apparent has become a polarizing subject in the party. While a section of senior leaders have criticized him for being reluctant to take a leadership position in the opposition, a set of young loyalists have welcomed the decision. “People have been criticizing His Babyness Shri Rahul (Power Be Upon Him) Gandhi for not showing leadership and fresh thinking in face of setbacks,” said loyalist Nowshake Singwe. “This is truly fresh thinking, an over-Pawaring decision. In any case our friends in the left have been saying that there is little to choose between the Congress and the BJP since we both represent the capitalist-bourgeois-agents-of-American-Imperialism and our friends in the AAP have said we are equally corrupt, though I am convinced we are clearly ahead of the BJP on this count.”

Added FamilyVijay Sing, “This is a bold move given that Maharashtra is seeing the ascendancy of super-secular parties like Owaisi’s MIM.  If we could form a government with them we would, but we don’t have the numbers. It is a pragmatic masterstroke by Rahul ji to render outside support to a BJP government.”

BJP leaders too welcomed the move. “In any case most of our MLA’s are imported from the Congress and NCP. How does it matter if we take their support as well. We have always believed in the principal of Vausdeva Kutumbhakam. We have to start somewhere.”

Shiv Sena reacted to the developments by saying it will sit in opposition while being part of the government. A Saamana editorial made it clear. “With all the parties supporting the BJP, there needs to be an opposition to uphold Maratha pride. Maratha pride also requires us to get ministerial positions. If there can be outside support why can’t there be inside opposition?”

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Under pressure to show results, Government to rename SBI as Swiss Bank of India Thu, 30 Oct 2014 17:01:17 +0000 Ramesh Soundararajan

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The Government has been coming under pressure from across the board on details of people who have stored black money in foreign banks. While Swiss banks have caught everyone’s attention, it is also alleged that there is enough and more stored in offshore havens like Mauritius, Seychelles, Cayman Islands and so on.

While AAP started the trend, media has fanned the fire. Now, it is almost as if the list should contain the names of some very rich industrialists and political families. If, by design, they have stayed away from these banks, then people will say the Government is protecting them.

To resolve this dilemma, the Government has decided to rename the Public Sector Banks. Accordingly,

State Bank of India becomes Swiss Bank of India

Bank of Baroda becomes Bank of Luxembourg

Punjab National Bank becomes Seychelles National Bank

Bank of India becomes Bank of Mauritius

and finally, Canara Bank simply becomes Cayman Islands Bank.

The Government is also accordingly holding off on making Public Sector Bank (PSB) head appointments. It will instead recruit international bankers from target countries to head them.

The Government announced this radical initiative with elan through a series of tweets:




The finance minister also added his two naye paise with this press statement: “Only a few Indians have accounts in tax havens and it is taking time to get and publish those names. Instead of focusing on the unpleasant, let us focus on white money. Moreover, ministers are sending email to folks on all random subjects. Now that I am back in action, let me also start sending mails like this!”

Political reactions to the Government’s move have been varied. While P Chidamabarm said the BJP government is  simply continuing what the UPA had started by way of re-branding some of the PSBs, AAP’s Arvind Kejriwal was far more scathing. The former Delhi CM alleged that for select accounts of family and friends, the Government is converting the currency as well. So an account with 10 lakh rupees in SBI could become an account with 10 lakh Swiss Francs. He accused the BJP of doing this to generate money for buying AAP legislators in Delhi.

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Now West Bengal Jihadists themselves slam mainstream media for muted coverage of their activities Thu, 30 Oct 2014 05:34:47 +0000 Ashwin Kumar

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Having faced a lot of flak on social media for their rather tepid coverage of the grim situation in West Bengal, the Indian mainstream media has now come to be at the receiving end of the Jihadists themselves. A few prominent Jihadi leaders in the state have severely censured the media for their flagrant lack of enthusiasm in covering their activities.

“For the levels of heroics and daring missions that we’ve executed, right from radicalizing people, storing explosives and firearms to manufacturing bombs, carrying out blasts to finally drawing the NIA’s serious attention, we deserved to completely engulf at least a week’s prime-time debates on all channels,” a Jihadi leader said, on the condition of anonymity. “But all we’ve been seeing on prime time on all channels are some inconsequential ramblings. Every night, I sat with bated breath and watched The Newshour, hoping that Arnab would tear Derek da or any other TMC spokesperson to shreds, but he’s only been pouncing on Gurunath Meiyappan, Nitin Gadkari and some Khap leaders,” the leader added.

“People are completely right when they said that Arnab is biased. The other day, we got so excited that he was doing a discussion with the hashtag #NewIndianTaliban. For a moment, we went into such a tizzy, assuming that we were finally getting not just our due recognition, but the honor of being equated to the legendary Taliban! But when we clicked on the trend, we ended up banging our heads in shame – turns out it’s some Hindu Mahasabha folks making some silly statements!” another leader sighed. “That’s not just all – he lashes out at Gadkari for hours for, wait for it, not wearing a helmet! But when it comes to people like us, even such chilling activities of terror aren’t sufficient to draw his outrage. Very demotivating!” the leader added.

“Forget Arnab, my favorites are Sreenivasan Jain and Rajdeep Sardesai. I was and am utterly shocked to know that our blasts are not even of the chota-mota level for Vasu sir to talk about. I was waiting for some condemnation from Rajdeep too – I thought he would grab this chance to ask us ‘Did Narendra Modi teach you to Make bombs in India? Did BJP teach you to make bombs?’ and pass remarks like ‘Tumhaare paas bombs hai, lekin class nahin‘ (You have bombs, but no class) but there was nothing of the sort. Only NRI crowds seem to have that privilege. Forget all that, yaar, even a short Vine video of him saying ‘Why has West Bengal turned into a terror hub? Read my book!’ on Twitter, would’ve been gratifying for us, but even that wasn’t to be. So bloody unfair!” another Jihadi said.

“Last, but not least, even Sagarika, though expecting her to mention our religion is very rich and asking for too much, I thought she would at least mention us by labeling us non-Jat, non-Maratha, non-Brahmin Jihadists, but nope! If this lack of coverage continues, I’m afraid we’ll have to just quit terrorism and take up some other jobs man,” the leader cried out.

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After Lt Governor invites BJP to form government in Delhi, URT staff to go on dharna Wed, 29 Oct 2014 15:11:20 +0000 Venkat Shankar

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The laddoos were out in full swing yet again in the BJP office after the President had apparently accorded sanction to the LG to invite BJP to form the government in Delhi. Predictably, other parties were crying foul. However, the most extreme reactions to the news were observed in The UnReal Times office, where staff were frozen in shock and rapidly descending into a state of despondency.

“Boss, it’s hard work being a satirist to begin with,” lamented Unreal Mama, editor of URT. “We have to make do with a few characters that provide us fodder for our work. As it is, it looks like the Congress party has done a lot of introspection post the polls, as we hardly see Rahul Gandhi anywhere these days. Even people like Diggy Raja and Kapil Sibal have gone underground. We are making do with random stuff about Mani Shankar Aiyar. Ashwin, poor guy, actually had to make a trip to the USA to gather material and finally ended up penning a couple of columns on Yanks and NRIs. And now to pull AAP out of the equation is just cruel.”

“With Arvind Kejriwal already making noises about BJP’s internal surveys, fake votes and horse trading, the pickings had promised to be rich. And given that winter is approaching the Muffler and the Cough would have been in ample evidence. Add further bytes from Somnath Bharti and tweets from Ashutosh, and it would have been a problem of plenty for us. This is all very disappointing…” Unreal Mama trailed off.

The only cheerful member in the URT office seemed to be Ajayendra Reddy. “Man, as long as Sagarika Ghose is in action, I’m covered,” he said.

URT staff, along with correspondents like Zuckerpandian and Baskarbe and various jobless Citizen Satirists, plan a dharna outside Rashtrapathi Bhavan tomorrow morning, post which they intend to head off to the NDTV studios where staff from The Faking News will be joining them. “Forget the tigers boss, if there is no AAP, someone needs to save us,” wailed a tearful URT staff member.

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COMIC: When the black money account list triggered panic in Congress circles Wed, 29 Oct 2014 12:20:02 +0000 UnReal Mama The government has handed over the list of 627 foreign account holders, and speculation is rife about some of the account holders, ranging from the scion of a political dynasty now going through a lean phase to former UPA ministers. But one particular name raised the alarm bells:








(Image thumbnail sources: 1a, 2a, 3a,4a, 4b, 6a, 8a)

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LEAKED: Gmail Inbox of Devendra Fadnavis, the new CM of Maharashtra Wed, 29 Oct 2014 06:34:26 +0000 Ashwin Kumar The man of the moment is BJP Maharashtra president Devendra Fadnavis, who is all set to become the party’s first Chief Minister of Maharashtra. Right from the 22 rioting cases that he faces, to leaked pictures of his modelling stint, the man is creating waves on social media. The UnReal Times correspondent Sirjee Brin brings you an exclusive snapshot of his Gmail Inbox:

(Click on the image for larger view)

 (With inputs from UnReal Mama)

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Government names Roger Federer as Swiss bank account holder Wed, 29 Oct 2014 01:59:16 +0000 Ashwin Kumar

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After naming Pradip Burman, Radha Timblo and Pankaj Lodhiya, the Union government has named Tennis legend Roger Federer as another Swiss bank account holder, continuing its drive against those who hold accounts in Swiss banks.

In a letter to the Supreme Court, an exclusive copy of which is with The UnReal Times, Union Finance Minister Arun Jaitley mentioned, “To the special bench, Supreme Court: It has come to our attention that one Mr.Roger Federer, a tennis player of high acclaim, holds savings accounts with multiple banks in Switzerland. We are trying to track more details about him and his estimated wealth and will intimate you as soon as we receive them. Once again, we wish to reiterate that we are pursuing the matter of Swiss bank accounts with utmost sincerity. Let there be no ambiguities as far as our commitment to calling out such folks is concerned.”

An emotional Federer broke down upon hearing the news. Sources said that Roger Federer’s close friend, Indian master-blaster Sachin Tendulkar too, may be questioned for possible leads. According to a source in the Finance Ministry, an Aadhaar card in Roger Federer’s name was detected in West Bengal, which could be more than enough reason to establish Federer’s Indian citizenship and thus render him vulnerable for an investigation. “Federer is scheduled to visit India in December. I’m afraid he’ll visit various Indian places only on photoshopped pics. He’s gonna be a busy man. He’ll have a lot of questions to answer once he comes here,” a smiling Jaitley said.

The development has knocked the wind out of the sails of the Congress and BJP’s other political opponents who had been demanding that the BJP expose some “big fish” as against unknown businessmen. “When we gave the first 3 names, people mocked us for going after minnows and accused us of protecting the big fish. Well, here you are – this is not just a fish, this is a whale!” exclaimed a triumphant Jaitley. “There are many more names on the list. We are close to netting Martina Hingis as well. It’s just a matter of carefully obtaining proof for all our suspicions,” he added.

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