The UnReal Times India's favorite satire, spoof, parody and humour portal - Politics, Cricket, Business, Governance, Technology, Foreign Affairs and more Tue, 30 Aug 2016 10:51:36 +0000 en-US hourly 1 Advance booking for “MS Dhoni: The Untold Story” biopic to start only at 9:59 am on Sept 30th Tue, 30 Aug 2016 10:51:36 +0000 Ashwin Kumar Production house Fox Star studios and Bollywood director Neeraj Pandey have announced that in a fitting tribute to arguably India’s greatest cricket captain Mahendra Singh Dhoni, their upcoming biopic on him, “MS Dhoni: The Untold Story” would be open for advance booking only a minute before the start of the first day first show of the movie.

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“We know we’re likely taking a big risk here. But it dawned upon me quite late, that after having done as much as a full-fledged movie on the man, we might as well go an extra mile ahead by giving him this tribute. We’ve spoken to all theatre owners as well as BookMyShow and they were more than glad to comply with our request. So for all the first day 10 am shows throughout the country, ticketing at the counters as well as online, will begin only at 9:59 am. I was wondering why I never got this idea until now, when there’s just a month left for the release, but then it struck me – planting the idea in my head at the fag end is probably God’s own way of paying tribute to the legend,” director Pandey told The UnReal Times.

When asked to comment on rumors that hero Sushant Singh Rajput would, in fact, not appear on screen until the last minute of the movie, a smiling Pandey said, “Well, we can neither confirm nor deny that.” The Baby and Special-26 director also laughed off concerns that the movie might not open to high collections upon release due to the sudden tribute development. “I’m pretty confident that even if we don’t hit 100 crore by 10:01 am, we’ll definitely hit the mark by 11:59 pm on the first day. Even if God isn’t with us now, I’m sure he’ll be with us by then,” he smiled.

With promotions for the movie not expected to go in full swing until the release day, former sportsman and Yuvraj Singh’s father, Yograj Singh has announced that he will be releasing his own book with the same title, on the same day. Commenting on the production house, Yograj thundered, “We are working on the same thing – the untold story of MS Dhoni, the only difference being that their version is borderline fictitious, while mine will be as authentic as my hatred for the #%@$%@%!” Yograj also added that he eagerly expects the book to be launched by Indian swashbuckling opening legend Virender Sehwag.

Editor: Just about a minute before publishing this article, our sources told us that the biopic might, in fact, see a whole new scene being added to it a day before the release. According to sources, lead actor Sushant is busy shooting for the scene based on Dhoni’s legendary press conference, wherein he calls a reporter who asked him about retirement and has a chat with him.

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In Pictures: The travails of being God Mon, 29 Aug 2016 17:31:29 +0000 Flying Table-fan Here’s an Unreal take on what it is to be God in today’s world:

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COMIC: Arvind Kejriwal’s key takeaway from Rio Olympics Mon, 29 Aug 2016 01:26:55 +0000 Pankaj Vaidya What did Arvind Kejriwal learn from Olympics that he could apply to his public life? Here’s a quick take:






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Frustrated with loss in 1st T20, Kejriwal asks BCCI to replace Dhoni with Sushant Singh Rajput Sat, 27 Aug 2016 19:16:05 +0000 Devashish

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Last ball of the match. Two runs to win. MS Dhoni on strike. Bravo to bowl. Annddd… he is out. India has lost the match. It’s advertisement time. Sushant Singh Rajput comes out as MS Dhoni, smacks a few helicopters and wins India the world cup. A glorious past meets a gloomy present.

Dejected Indian fans took to Twitter and facebook to show their disappointment. A popular sports editor, Shobha De was seen tweeting, ”Goal of Indian cricket team in this t20 series: Maimi jao, Selfies lo aur khali hath aao!” However, she soon deleted the tweet when she saw Virender Sehwag was online.

But just as Indian cricket fans were coming to terms with the result, a terrific idea struck Delhi CM Arvind Kejriwal. As we all know by know, Kejriwal is a great a movie buff and also is as an avid sports lover. MS Dhoni the untold story, releases next month and Kejriwal is all excited. Apparently, some close sources have also suggested that he has already saved the review of the movie in his drafts. He happens to be a great fan of both MS Dhoni and Sushant Singh Rajput since both share their genes with the great Bihari gene pool  (the land of his two elder brothers, Lalu and Nitish).

Kejriwal is really worried that with such dismal performances, Dhoni the player will only garner negative reviews from cricket pundits and chances are likely that MS Dhoni the film might also get poorly affected by real life MSD’s on field performance. As a prophylactic measure to avoid this, Kejriwal has come up with a brilliant idea.

Speaking exclusively to the writer after a long break, Kejriwal remarked, ”It was frustrating to watch India lose last night. I have seen the MSD trailer a zillion times now. What else do you think I do sitting in my CM office? Anyways, let’s leave that aside for a while. Yes, so I was saying that from the trailer it is very evident to me that currently Sushant Singh Rajput plays the helicopter shot better than Dhoni himself. Also, I have been following Sushant on his instagram profile and I discovered that the guy is super fit and knows how to keep wickets as well. Plus, he looks exactly like Dhoni when he wears the India t shirt and helmet. So, I have officially written to India coach, Mr. Anil Kumble to allow Sushant to play instead of MSD in the next game. That will also indirectly boost the revenue of the movie as more and more people will go and watch the movie. After all, if an aam aadmi can watch a good movie, it’s the ultimate form of democracy. I am pretty sure Sushant will do well!”

It remains to be seen however if India management takes these comments by Mr. Kejriwal seriously.

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Startup launches App to produce outrage-ready news articles Sat, 27 Aug 2016 18:35:37 +0000 K Balakumar

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*Kenyan-born Urjit Patel to train Indian long and middle-distance runners’

Bengaluru, Aug 24: It had to happen.

With the market for outrage-triggering news reports and features reaching an all-time high, a Bengaluru-based startup has come up with an app that would reel out such stuff at the touch of a button.

Announcing the launch of the app, which is appropriately named ‘Appront‘ (a portmanteau mix of affront and app), CMD of DisApprovz Inc. Rakesh Vaidyanathan told Cranks News, “Let us face it, people, by their very nature, forever feel a sense of disapproval for many things around them. Our company, as its name DisApprovz will make it clear, aims to creatively tap into this.”

“The reality is there is no more readership for actual news. So news outlets just make them up on the fly. The runner Jaisha report or the Ramya sedition issue or Google search for Sindhu caste are clear cases in point. If they had been reported adhering to facts, we will not be discussing them here,” Vaidyanathan said.

Vaidyanathan, who is from IIM-B, and has had stints with a couple of Seattle-based firms, said, “but our market research shows that as of now any person who is outrage-ready has to wait for outrage-triggering news, which may come the next hour or over the weekend. The delay is always agonizing.”

“When you are fully aroused and all ready to outrage but find nothing worthy of it, there is a sense of, to use a technical term here, KLPD. In the event, many people end up outraging over trivial news items. Obviously, there is a mismatch between demand and supply. Ergo, Appront.“

Vaidyanathan said, “Once a user downloads ‘Appront‘, he or she is assured of, as is the case with all apps, getting spam messages from us at all times.”  ‘Appront‘, he added, has an algorithm-based database, capable of producing protest-inducing reports depending on the events or developments of the occasion.

Pointing out that that the aim of news reports churned out by ‘Appront‘ was to create a sense of indignation and there would be very little, or absolutely nothing, by way of actual facts, Vaidyanathan said, “In that sense, we are up against bigger and established rivals like the NDTV. But, as they say, the market is big enough to accommodate all of us.”

If reports are manufactured, how different would they be from spoof news pieces that are now dime-a-dozen? Vaidyanathan said they were not in direct competition with satire stuff that aim for laughs. “We target the unfunny bone in every human. We want controversy that boil into a rage and then explode into an outrage.”

“Let us see how humour sites create stuff and how ‘Appront‘ will deliver the same news with a practical example,” Vaidyanathan said and gave this:

Spoof Story

Kenyan-born Urjit Patel to train Indian runners

Stung by the poor show of Indian athletes at the Rio Olympics, the Central government today swung into action by asking the Kenyan-born RBI Governor, Urjit Patel to train Indian middle-distance and long-distance runners.

This decision is based on the fact that Kenya is the world leader in long and middle-distance running. And Urjit Patel, who was born there, also has exposure to India. ‘He is the guy who can give us the best of both the worlds,’ a highly-placed source privy to the developments said.

Urjit Patel may not have had any exposure to athletics, but even with experience and training in economics, there is little possibility of him turning around Indian economy. “The point is economics, like a teenaged son, is forever creating trouble. But athletics, like a girl child, needs all our help,” the source said and added that Urjit Patel’s appointment has been okayed by the PMO and now only a formal stamp of approval is needed which will come in the form of Vijay Goel congratulating Hardik Patel.

‘Appront‘ Story

Modi’s Made-In-India not on track: Kenyan-born in charge of athletics

All the vaunted talk of Make-In-India by the Modi government seems to be just that: A Talk. Today, the government  made moves to appoint the Kenyan-born Urjit Patel, who was nominated as the RBI Governor last week, as the head coach of Indian middle and long distance running programme.

Patel, who is a Kenyan-born Gujarati, is being instated as the athletics coach as Kenya is now an established power in the field of running. But the talk in the North Block is that Urjitmay have been given the post more for his Gujarati surname that Modi is inevitably partial to.

While Urjit Patel’s appointment has been easy, New Delhi’s corridors of power recall how when BCCI’s president post fell vacant after N Srinivasan’s exit, the logical move to elevate a fellow Tamil Raghuram Rajan to that post was nixed by certain vested interests close to the BJP top brass.

“Now you see the difference for yourself. This is the true power of ‘Appront‘. This is now available to you on your mobile,” Vaidyanathan said.

Asked whether ‘Appront‘ is hitting the market when app-based startups are feeling the heat, Vaidyanathan said, “The doomsday-writers can say whatever they want. But what history shows us is that economies are inherently resilient and always have a firm place for companies that should not have been conceived at all in the first place.”

(Originally published in Crank’s Corner)

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Court allows men’s entry into kitchen, women throughout India celebrate Sat, 27 Aug 2016 04:33:50 +0000 Amrut Thobbi

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After a landmark judgment allowing women’s entry into Haji Ali, a High Court today gave another historic verdict, ruling that men in the country should enter kitchen more often, discarding all the social norms.

“Men, get your act together. Get inside the kitchen and prove that you’re not lazy bums,” the court ruled in its strongly-worded judgment.

The verdict comes in the wake of a petition filed by a women’s activist group who claimed that many men refused to enter into the kitchen, citing many taboos.

The activists claim this verdict is a victory for gender equality in the country and now husbands need not hesitate to enter kitchens.

“We always knew men want to help us in the kitchen. But somehow they couldn’t because the society wouldn’t approve their entry inside. But this verdict opens the doors of kitchen for men. We now wait for men to unleash their inner cooking genius,” the women’s group told reporters.

While the women throughout the country hailed the court’s verdict, men had some doubts over its feasibility.

“See, it’s not that I don’t want to cook,” said a 35-year-old husband. “It’s just that my wife is a brilliant cook and I love her dishes. If she stops making food, I will be denied great food, which is my fundamental right!”

Another husband who has been married for over 20 years said this will turn his life upside down. “I mean, first I will have to figure out where the kitchen is in our house,” said the worried man.

It was not as if the verdict was welcomed by all the women in the country. There were some, like Shweta, who had genuine concerns over the impact of this ruling.

Shweta told our reporter, “It’s good to see the court swinging into action but I am not sure if my husband getting into the kitchen will be a good sight to watch.”

“The last time he made a roti for me, it turned out to be more like a big round chewing gum that somehow wouldn’t find its way into the stomach.”

While many men are planning to fight the case in the Supreme Court, women have already made elaborate plans to enjoy their evenings as their better halves deal with stoves, cooking pans and spices.

A very excited Sheetal told reporters that the sight of her husband cutting onions and peeling potatoes makes him appear very romantic.

“Have you ever heard the phrase – ‘the way to a woman’s heart is through her kitchen’?” asked Sheetal as her husband grappled with the pressure cooker.

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Bobby Deol to unleash Sunny Deol on those who demand refunds in his future DJ gigs Fri, 26 Aug 2016 01:44:38 +0000 Ashwin Kumar Actor-turned-DJ Bobby Deol recently found himself at the center of the news space, after a long time, for upsetting guests at a venue after allegedly playing songs from his own blockbuster “Gupt” on loop all night. Infuriated guests were reported to have demanded a refund, by which time Bobby had left the venue. Having learned his lesson and not willing to take any risks in future, Bobby has announced that he will now unleash elder brother Sunny on those who do not like his mixing in future.

“Let’s see who will come after my spinning now! Anyone who has the nerve to do so will incur the unbridled, uninhibited wrath and blood-curdling fury of Sunny bhaiya. And in the worst case, dad will threaten them with dire consequences like drinking their blood,” an upbeat and absolutely unconcerned Bobby told The UnReal Times.

“They should be happy that I’ve played really good songs from Gupt and not from some other disaster like Dosti: Friends Forever or Humko Tumse Pyaar Hai. Mind you, I can get worse, really worse if I need to,” Bobby threatened. The Gupt actor also added that he has the full support of his step-mother and step-sisters in the matter. “Hemaji has threatened to advertise Kent water purifiers to those who register any form of protest against me,” Bobby said.

Deol, however, also received unconditional and unexpected support from the quarters of Delhi Chief Minister Arvind Kejriwal and the Aam Aadmi Party. Addressing a press conference, the CM said, “We stand 100% with Bobby paa ji in this. When an out-of-work Punjabi youth tries to take up another job to work for a living and to make both ends meet, he has to be encouraged, even if he is Bobby Deol. More Punjabi youth need to emulate his example instead of going for drugs,” the CM thundered. “Or even drinks,” he added, staring strongly at AAP MP Bhagwant Mann. “This is something the Badals and Modi aren’t worried about. Why them, Bobby paa ji‘s own relatives in the BJP don’t care a toss! But this Dilli da Puttar is definitely concerned and will always be concerned. Jaa, Bobby mere sher, hum tumaare saath hai, puttar!” an enthusiastic AAP Chief hollered. ( Go on, Bobby, my lion! We are with you, son )

Kejriwal, however, folded his hands in a namaste gesture and walked away when asked whether he would also go to theaters to review Bobby’s upcoming movies. AAP is also in talks with estranged BJP leader Navjot Singh Sidhu to have him attend Bobby’s gigs and laugh his stomach out for every song. “It’s likely that the audiences will appreciate Bobby more if his act is seen in the right perspective – like something that Sidhu rolls on the floor laughing to, as opposed to DJing,” AAP leader Raghav Chadda said.

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Arun Jaitley announces new cess to fund development of additional taxes and cesses Fri, 26 Aug 2016 00:30:14 +0000 Asbestos Gelos

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In a press conference outside North Block, Finance Minister Shri Arun Jaitley announced a new 1% cess to fund development of additional taxes and cesses. The new cess will be applicable on all goods and services consumed within the country as well as exported or imported.

Explaining the rationale behind the move, the Finance Minister said, “Subsuming the existing 33 different taxes and 6 surcharges into the Goods and Services Tax (GST) regime may potentially lead to a lower tax rate for tax payers. The new cess, to be called the ‘Tax in India’ cess, will ensure that the government remains in a tax neutral position by creating new cesses.”

Elaborating further, Mr Jaitley said, “Creating new cesses and identifying catchy phrases such as “Krishi Kalyan” and “Swachh Bharat” takes a lot of time and effort. Without invoking this new cess, the government may be put in the unenviable position of not being able to tax taxpayers further. Once the Tax in India cess has been implemented, tax authorities will be in a position to create exciting new cesses for Indian taxpayers such as the Salman Suraksha cess to benefit road accident victims, the Khel Khelo cess to fund development of officials for the Tokyo Olympics, the Ma-Behen cess to fund empowered women in politics, the Ramalinga Reddy cess for national pothole development, the Ghar ka Chulha cess to fund loss of revenue from people evading taxes by not eating at restaurants.“

At this point, there was an interruption as the Revenue Secretary passed a napkin to the Finance Minister who had started to drool. On being questioned about the new cesses coming into the picture when the GST rate had still not been decided, the Revenue Secretary clarified that the development would lead to tax neutrality, a well-stated aim of the administration.

“The tax authorities are fully supportive of the government’s efforts to maintain a tax neutral posture. It is quite simple – if the GST rate is higher than the existing taxes, then the new cesses will ensure that the government gets more tax and the tax payer pays more tax, leading to tax neutrality,” the Revenue Secretary said.

The press conference was cut short when a reporter asked if the GST rate may be lower than current tax rates leading to the Finance Minister and Revenue Secretary falling off the dais choking with laughter. However ministry officials later issued a release clarifying that the duo had only suffered superficial injuries and had recovered sufficiently to add a Laugh in India cess to the current proposals. A detailed list of the new cesses will be tabled before parliament shortly.

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In Pictures: When Vijay Goel tried to copy Chandrababu Naidu and play with Olympic athletes Thu, 25 Aug 2016 15:57:01 +0000 Pankaj Vaidya Chandrababu Naidu played a bit of impromptu badminton with Olympic silver medalist PV Sindhu during her felicitation ceremony. This greatly inspired Sports Minister Vijay Goel who decided to give that stunt a shot. Check what happened:











(Image sources:  1, 2a, 2b, 3a, 3b, 4a, 4b, 5a, 5b, 6a, 6b, 7a, 7b, 8a, 8b, 9a, 9b, 10a, 10b, 11)

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Please treat my RSS remark as one of those which people ignore: Rahul Gandhi tells Supreme Court Thu, 25 Aug 2016 04:15:35 +0000 Amrut Thobbi

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Facing defamation charges for saying that the RSS killed Mahatma Gandhi, Congress vice president Rahul Gandhi persuaded the Supreme Court to drop the charges as his remark was “one of those which people generally ignore”.

In an emotional tone, Rahul pleaded that at times he says stuff that no one takes seriously. Then why was this case pursued with such fervour in the highest court of the land, he asked.

“Sometimes, I just say things…don’t take them all seriously,” Rahul told the apex court.

The Congress VP reminded the judge of all the things he said in the past but hardly anyone in the country had noticed.

“I once called India a beehive. Do you remember my lord?” asked Rahul. “No one cared two hoots about that. Actually, it had a lot of depth if you think about it…anyways you get my point, right?”

The judge replied, “Wait, you lost me there for a moment. So India is a beehive?”

“No, my lord. I mean, yes my lord…wait, don’t take my point seriously, my lord!”

“Which point?”

“The point about my points.”

“Uff! This is way too confusing. The court is adjourned till the next hearing.”

Legal experts felt Rahul may be cleared in the case now that he cited some of his earlier incomprehensible comments. Rahul’s lawyer Kapil Sibal too looked confident of the case getting quashed.

According to Sibal, reciting the past questionable comments to prove innocence in the present comments case may ultimately give Rahul a ‘zero loss’ advantage, legally.

“He has nothing to lose now,” a beaming Sibal told reporters, flashing a V-sign.

When asked if it was time for Rahul to be elevated as the Congress President, Sibal flashed a V-sign again.

Political experts say the ‘V’ in the second V-sign may be tricky as it could have meant ‘vice president’, i.e. the party wants Rahul to continue as the vice president and not become its president.

Rahul was later asked by reporters which of his comments in future should be taken seriously.

To which he replied, “It’s simple. Whenever I roll up my sleeves during speeches and start a sentence with bhaiyya, understand that I am being serious.”

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