The UnReal Times India's favorite satire, spoof, parody and humour portal - Politics, Cricket, Business, Governance, Technology, Foreign Affairs and more Sat, 30 Aug 2014 08:31:59 +0000 en-US hourly 1 Panic grips BJP camp after Rahul Gandhi opts out of campaigning for UP by-polls Sat, 30 Aug 2014 06:38:41 +0000 UnReal Mama

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Outwardly, the BJP leadership may be sniggering over the decision by Rahul Gandhi and Sonia Gandhi to not campaign for the upcoming UP by polls but inwardly they are a very worried lot. “This is a huge setback, man,” a very agitated BJP president, Amit Shah, told The UnReal Times. “An even bigger setback then, say, Mayawati and Mulayam teaming up for the so-called secular alliance to take on the BJP. I was actually planning a vacation during the by poll campaigning phase, confident that Rahul would do his thing and net BJP more votes. But now we have our work really cut out,” he bemoaned. The situation is so grave that even Modi may have to cut short his Japan visit and campaign for the by-polls.

Amit Shah conceded that in hindsight the BJP may have overdone the Rahul bashing. “We overdid the Pappu and Shahzade jokes, so much so that the poor guy seems completely bereft of confidence. I had warned our boys to keep it within bounds but they shot back saying it’s too much fun to cut back. Now see what has happened!!!” Shah said.

“Going forward, we need to praise him from time to time lest he do something drastic like quitting as Congress Vice President as well and calling for meritocratic selection at the top. For a start, I have asked BJP cadre to emulate Congress workers in showering lavish praise on the Nehru-Gandhi scion. The political reality is BJP needs the Nehru-Gandhis more than the Congress,” Shah added.

The sombre mood in the BJP contrasts with the optimism radiating out of the Congress headquarters. Enthusiastic Congress workers and leaders celebrated in front of 10, Janpath, enthused by Rahul’s decision to lead by not leading. “Rahul bhaiyya has given us the best possible present in the build up to the by-polls. We are now determined more than even to increase our vote share by a few percentage points and credit him for the victory,” one worker raved, as he lovingly fed a ladoo to a Rahul poster.

It was left to pre-eminent Gandhi family loyalist, Mani Shankar Aiyar, to have the last word. “This shows more than ever why the party needs the Nehru-Gandhis more than the Nehru-Gandhis need the party. Whenever the party has been in the doldrums, it has looked up to the first family for succour. In our hour of need, Rahul has once again lived up to the glorious tradition of his forebears,” Aiyar wrote for NDTV, which in turn, passed it on to The UnReal Times.

AK Antony too heaved a sigh of relief over Rahul’s decision to stay aloof. “For once, just for once, my forthcoming clean chit report will have a ring of credibility to it,” he observed.

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COMIC: When Narendra Modi admitted that Rahul Gandhi is a better man… Sat, 30 Aug 2014 03:16:59 +0000 UnReal Mama PM Modi was watching the news last night when something suddenly got him to get up and rush to Rahul Gandhi’s house in Tughlak lane. In the conversation that followed, Modi seemed rather subdued…





And thus Narendra Modi protected BJP’s prospects in the UP bypolls after they were dealt a body blow by Rahul Gandhi’s decision not to campaign.

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If the world were to end, what would trend on Twitter in India? Fri, 29 Aug 2014 07:29:27 +0000 Ashwin Kumar Imagine if the world suddenly were to end, what would happen around us? We can probably visualize the chaotic scenes in our cities and on the streets; we’ve seen enough of those in apocalypse movies (and by that we mean Hollywood movies like Armageddon and End of the World, not Humshakals). But what would happen on Twitter, considering that chaos is more the norm than the exception on the popular social media network? Here’s one scenario:


















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Unable to get Duncan Fletcher to quit, BCCI transfers him to Mizoram Fri, 29 Aug 2014 02:44:19 +0000 Venkat Shankar

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Ever since Duncan “The Limpet” Fletcher took over the reins as Team India’s coach in 2011, he has had a rather mixed bag of results, but the one consistent aspect about him has been his tenacity in the face of great adversity, in clinging on to his position. After futile efforts to get the unyielding Zimbabwean to quit, the BCCI, in an inspired move, has transferred Duncan Fletcher to Mizoram to coach the State team.

“The inspiration came from the Modi govt,” said a BCCI insider who wished to remain anonymous. “We have been observing the smart moves by the new government against anyone they want to fire. Rather than being overt and risk courting criticism, they have achieved great results through transfers to Mizoram. We are very pleased with the success of this initiative and its efficacy in ejecting people that just won’t go away. We soon expect to transfer more people to Mizoram.”

BCCI’s move has set the cat among the pigeons, with various bodies now looking to ape the Cricket Board. Unnamed sources in CII and FICCI confirmed that the two industry associations were already lobbying with the government to extend industry this facility vis-à-vis their employees. “OK, so they won’t allow us to hire and fire with gay abandon. But maybe they can allow us the freedom to transfer employees to Mizoram. That’s much less of a political hot potato. We look forward to ‘Being Mizoramed’ becoming an even more potent part of the management tool kit than ‘Being Bangalored’.”

The state of Mizoram, meanwhile, is in a state of panic. “It’s one thing for the rest of the country to ignore us for decades and treat us like foreigners whenever we visit them, it’s entirely another to let loose the likes of Beniwals, Sankaranarayanans, Fletchers, corporate rejects and God forbid, Sagarika Ghose and Uday Chopra among the unsuspecting citizens of my state,” protested Lal Thanhawla, Chief Minister of Mizoram. The state government has now instituted a special Rajiv Gandhi Mizoram Transfer Tax, which requires organizations to pay the state an amount equivalent to their level of desperation for every transfer they make.

Last heard, the Election Commission too is mulling over the idea of doing away with NOTA, which has always been considered a cop-out, and replacing it with the much more potent “Transfer to Mizoram” button.

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COMIC: Modi trolls Congress leaders after they accuse him of copying UPA policies Thu, 28 Aug 2014 14:41:22 +0000 UnReal Mama In the past few months, a specific scenario has played out again and again. (a) PM Modi announces a new policy /scheme (b) His supporters hail him as the messiah of change (c) Congress hits back saying that Modi has done nothing but copy UPA’s policies. Now, there’s only so long Modi could take it lying down…








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(Based on a tweet by Sughosh Varadarajan)

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The Undertaker joins AAP after ‘dead’ AAP member found alive Thu, 28 Aug 2014 03:21:12 +0000 Ashwin Kumar WWE wrestling legend, The Undertaker, joined the Aam Aadmi Party, moments after it was brought to light that a ‘dead’ member of the party was found alive in Bangalore City. The 7-foot giant, who walked in to the AAP office in New Delhi, in his characteristic style, removed his black hat and was presented with the AAP topi by former Delhi CM Arvind Kejriwal.

“It feels amazing to be a part of a political party that accepts dead men walking. Frankly, I was very confused about what I would do with my life post WWE, but AAP has thankfully been just the thing I would want to do for the next phase of my life. My welcome was awesome, though there was a minor hiccup during my entry, when the lights were off, as they should have been – a panic-stricken Arvind rushed to the power mains, yelling that Ambani agents and BJP goons had turned power off so as to disrupt my welcome. He then turned the lights on and spoiled it for me!” The Undertaker cringed.

“But then it was fine. The Ashutosh, a huge fan of WWE, explained my entry to Arvind and it was clear. I’ve had some really invigorating sessions with The Ashutosh. He explained how he led an AAP mob to the BJP HQ a few months ago, where they threw chairs and bricks at the office. The similarities between AAP and WWE are many – for starters, the use of chairs and the fact that both are scripted dramas which many people enjoy as entertainment. There was this one chap, Kumar Vishwas, who mouthed dialogues like Undertaker ho andar hi rehna chaahiye (The Undertaker should just stay in) and stuff like that, but it’s ok – no one takes him seriously anyway,” Taker added.

However, a few hours later, trouble brewed in the party as reports of The Undertaker choke-slamming and tomb-stoning Yogendra Yadav in unbearable rage came in, after the latter began to give a dose of sanctimonious, self-righteous advice to the wrestler.

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Facebook Wall: Team India discusses victory over England in 2nd ODI Thu, 28 Aug 2014 01:10:31 +0000 UnReal Mama The men in blue thrashed the English by a whopping 133 runs in the 2nd India vs England ODI. First Suresh Raina pummeled them with a scintillating century and then Sir Jadeja led a clinical performance by the bowlers to deliver an easy victory that helped the Indians go 1-0 up in the series. Later, the players took to Facebook to chill out. The UnReal Times’ Facebook correspondent Mark Zuckerpandian brings you the snapshot:

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Bangalore mothers ask children to call them up after crossing Nayandahalli signal safely Wed, 27 Aug 2014 03:10:21 +0000 Ashwin Kumar

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A large number of parents in Bangalore, mothers in particular, have instructed their children to call them up after crossing the Nayandahalli signal safely. The trend has taken root in the wake of the Nayandahalli signal becoming a vortex of chaos and accidents.

“Earlier, I used to ask my daughter to give me a call whenever she would safely reach Chennai or Tumkur or any other city, but thanks to the Nayandahalli circle being the way it is, out of extreme tension and worry, I’ve made it mandatory for her to give me a call or text me or at least give a missed call to let me know that she has crossed the signal safely,” said Chintamani, mother of a college-going daughter.

Like Chintamani, hundreds of mothers and some spouses have made it a habit of checking on their loved ones when they expect to cross the Nayandahalli signal. “The worry and tension is just too much to handle!” said Geeta, another mother. “My daughter has to battle unruly and erratic lorries, over-speeding BMTC buses, extreme pollution and last, but never the least, horrible, stony, muddy roads that could topple her vehicle either way! Even the most dangerous highways are probably not as bad. ”

“It has now become a common sight on the Nayandahalli circle. Scores of two-wheelers, after successfully managing to cross Nayandahalli, park their vehicles to the side, make a quick phone call and then move ahead,” said Basavanna, a bus commuter who boards his bus at the Nayandahalli bus stop everyday. “Earlier, prior to the construction of the flyovers as well as the metro line, Nayandahalli was the city’s biggest bottleneck and clean-shaven men would grow beards by the time they cleared the signal. People even saw Lagaan completely on some days, while waiting at the signal. We thought construction of flyovers would make it better – it has, but only for the people who take the flyover,” Basavanna added.

Hospitals on the Mysore Road highway have, however, been very pleased with the Nayandahalli signal. “Boss, thanks to the way Nayandahalli signal is, we’re making a fortune. People check in every day by the dozen. Peak hours of the day are the busiest hours for us too! Our hospital’s profits will drastically drop should any improvement be made to this signal,” Chatri Baddi, manager of a hospital on the Mysore Road highway told The UnReal Times.

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Facebook Wall: Reactions of LK Advani, MM Joshi on being ousted from BJP’s Parliamentary Board Wed, 27 Aug 2014 02:07:28 +0000 UnReal Mama Ushering in a new era, the BJP today rejigged its Parliamentary Board, by bringing in Madhya Pradesh CM Shivraj Singh Chouhan and party general secretary JP Nadda in place of seniors LK Advani and Murli Manohar Joshi. The ousted seniors now figure in an advisory group called “Margdarshak Mandal”, something widely seen as a token gesture at best. Miffed at their ouster, Advaniji and Joshiji took to Facebook to vent their feelings. Our correspondent Mark Zuckerpandian, as ever, lay in wait to get us a snapshot:

(With inputs from Ashwin Kumar)

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In Tweets: The real reason why TOI decided to regulate its employees’ Twitter, Facebook accounts Tue, 26 Aug 2014 09:01:57 +0000 Ashwin Kumar India’s biggest media conglomerate, the Times of India Group, has asked its employees to declare all their personal accounts on social media networks such as Twitter and Facebook and asked them to refrain from sharing news related links. The official explanation for what many see as an autocratic policy impinging on the freedom of speech is that TOI merely seeks to get its policy in line with international organizations such as The Wall Street Journal and The New York Times. What is the real reason though? Why did TOI suddenly decide to regulate its employees’ accounts?

Does it have anything to do with a certain Sagarika Ghose joining the print group? We decided to go through her Twitter timeline.

This was her first tweet on the day of her joining:


And then all hell broke loose:








And the rest is history.

(With inputs from UnReal Mama [Karthik])

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