The UnReal Times India's favorite satire, spoof, parody and humour portal - Politics, Cricket, Business, Governance, Technology, Foreign Affairs and more Tue, 02 Sep 2014 06:29:54 +0000 en-US hourly 1 In Tweets: Political reactions to Ashwin Kumar announcing a break from writing for The UnReal Times Tue, 02 Sep 2014 05:26:50 +0000 Kaushik R In a major blow to The UnReal Times, star satirist Ashwin Kumar announced a break from writing satire, and took off to the US. Within hours of his announcement, reactions came pouring in from various folks who had been at the receiving end of Ashwin’s satire. In tweets:















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COMIC: What the Japanese actually spoke to Modi about on his 5-day visit Tue, 02 Sep 2014 04:14:34 +0000 Manithan ‘Smart city’, ‘Bullet train’, ‘Japanese teachers’, ‘Nuclear deal’ – the government may be throwing a lot of such fancy words at the unsuspecting public. But the crux of the discussions were something else altogether, as revealed by our The UnReal Times Japanese correspondent Babe Shinzo:






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Inspired by Modi’s Jan Dhan Yojana, AAP launches Jan Dharna Yojana for inclusive activism Tue, 02 Sep 2014 00:13:35 +0000 Citizen Satirist

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The Modi’s government push for financial inclusion by launching the Jan Dhan Yojana has inspired AAP to come up with a variant – the Jan Dharna Yojana. Through this innovative scheme, AAP’s leadership wants to make AAP’s brand of agit-prop politics more inclusive.

Accordingly, so as to comprehensively extirpate the cancer of corruption from India’s body politic, AAP’s cyber team will open a Twitter account for each and every household with the handle @AAP_ka_<Household Name>. Then these households can virtually participate in India’s second freedom struggle by helping trend hashtags such as #YoModiSoSecular and #DelhiWantsElections.

AAP’s official handle will ensure that every aam Twitter handle affiliated with the Jan Dharna Yojana will get at least 100 favourites and 50 RTs. AAP has also promised at least 10 followers to each AAP account. If any of the popular accounts gets suspended for, say, abuse, by Twitter, AAP will also launch special dharnas to revoke the suspensions. This will ensure a good balance between cyber and real world activism. Jantar Mantar has been booked for the next one year for this purpose.

“We are not like other parties where a few star handles with millions of followers command the limelight while chintu handles are left to fend for themselves. Yeh Aam Aadmi party hai, ji. We take care of our aam Twitter handles,” said the head of AAP’s social media cell, Sahil Chadha, about the new initiative.

Arvind Kejriwal is expected to launch this scheme on the occasion of Gandhi Jayanti by paying a visit to Rajghat, Ram Leela Maidan and Jantar Mantar. He set the ball rolling by declaiming that all new AAP affiliated Twitter handles can count his handle’s followers as theirs. “Meri Twitter handle ki koi aukaat nahi hai [My Twitter handle is run of the mill]. It is just as average as any ordinary Twitter handle with an egg as the DP and ten odd followers, three of which are bots,” the former Delhi CM said in a FM ad spot, exhorting households to sign up in millions for the Jan Dharna Yojana.

AAP fan boys all over the world are very excited about this scheme and have set an ambitious target of dominating worldwide Twitter trends by 2019.

(Submitted by Rishabh Garg)

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LEAKED: Imran Khan’s Gmail inbox after his protests outside Nawaz Sharif’s house Mon, 01 Sep 2014 04:54:40 +0000 UnReal Mama Pakistan Tehreek-e-Insaf (PTI) chairman Imran Khan, took a 10 minute break from rabble rousing to check his Gmail inbox. However, the cricketer turned politician forgot to log off, and our undercover reporter Wajahat Habibullah who’s currently assisting Imran on his “revolution”, quickly clicked a snapshot:

(Click on image for larger version)

(With inputs from Ashwin Kumar)

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CPI-M’s Karat rules out secular alliance with Didi, says she is too leftist even for his comfort Mon, 01 Sep 2014 03:24:31 +0000 UnReal Mama

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CPI-M general secretary Prakash Karat ruled out any alliance with Mamata Banerjee’s TMC, saying Didi is too leftist even for his comfort. “She is so far left of center that she makes the CPI-M comes across as a petty bourgeois right wing party, man,” Karat candidly confided to The UnReal Times. “I am as socialist as they come but her brand of socialism just scares the shit out of us JNU educated Marxists. Even we find her ‘pro-poor, anti-rich’ rhetoric extremely grating.”

Karat then dropped the biggest shocker: “I know the flavour of the season is for regional rivals to sink petty ego differences and forge secular alliances to keep communal forces at bay but we would rather ally with the BJP to keep communist forces at bay. After all, West Bengal also needs some industrialization after 30 years of Left rule and now ultra-Left rule.”

Karat was also critical of Mamata’s brand of secularism. “Why does she have to take everything to ridiculously extreme levels? Even Mulayam and Nitish-wa keep their secularism within bounds, you know,” Karat wailed. The CPI-M general secretary said he is more comfortable dealing with the likes of Mulayam Singh, Lalu and Nitish Kumar than Didi. “They are all rogues but lovable rogues, yaar. I can at least hold hands with them on stage during those photo-ops but with Didi, one can’t even bank on that. Derek has told me some scary stories about her.”

Karat said CPI-M’s game plan is to go it alone in West Bengal but be part of the emerging maha secular alliance in the rest of India. “We have 0.0002% vote share outside West Bengal and Kerala and although no one has approached us as yet, we are open to alliances in other states,” Karat noted with satisfaction.

With CPI-M rebuffing TMC’s overtures, the latter may now ally with the Maoists in Jharkhand and Chhattisgarh instead. “Didi has already gone through Mao Zedong’s Wiki profile and is quite taken in with his personality. I am preparing a quiz bank on Mao’s life so that Didi can quickly get up to speed with Maoism,” quiz-master turned TMC spokesperson, Derek O’Brien, told The UnReal Times.

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Inspired by Imran Khan’s shipping container-based dharna, Kejriwal demands two luxury containers Mon, 01 Sep 2014 02:52:08 +0000 Shreya Manjunath

Imran Khan on his customized shipping container (Image courtesy

Imran Khan has inspired a generation of dharna goers with his shipping container-based politics, alternately referred to as dabba politics or dibba se aazadi. Imran Khan has courageously vowed to captain the ship of the state by pretending to be cargo. Noted Pakistani watchers have commented that the army might have also shipped in some unholy cargo from Canada. In a container-based press conference, Canadian cleric Tahir-ul-Qadri and an uncontainably ambitious Imran Khan hummed, “Hum tum ek dibbe mein band ho, aur democracy kho jaye [Let you and I get trapped in a box, and may democracy get lost].” Pakistani media analysts have taken note of the containerization of Pakistani politics. A senior Geo TV journalist remarked that, “Naya Pakistan’s founding fathers will all be dibba-based.” An army spokesperson in the meanwhile hinted that they followed a policy of containment when it when it came to Pakistani democracy.

In the meanwhile, Arvind Kejriwal has noted that containerization of dharnas will revolutionize global politics just as containerization of shipping revolutionized global trade. An uncontainabaly self-righteous Kejriwal demanded that two luxury containers be allotted to him. Highlighting the convenience of dibba dharnas , Kejriwal remarked that containers could morph into a stage to address dharna activists, a traffic halter for citizens, a siesta spot for him and Yogendra and a climbing perch for buddy Aushotosh. Upon hearing his name, Aushotosh who was keen to demonstrate his skills in front of an iconic beauty, scaled the container’s walls with ease and then proceeded to hurl chairs, bricks and assorted cargo at unsuspecting non-dibba wallahs. Somnath Bharti also chipped in remarking a shipping yard was also a perfect spot to ambush hapless Africans. In fact shipping yards have been the chosen spot of archetypal Bollywood villains to ensnare their victims.

In the press conference, Kejriwal also raised the crucial issue of Adani’s ports having monopolized all the shipping containers. He also noted that Mukesh Ambani was not happy with just Antilla and had a vacation home in Jamnagar that is also reportedly a shipping container. “Sab mile hua hain ji [All are in cahoots with each other],” Kejriwal said, bemoaning the conspiracy of denying the aam aadmi much-needed shipping containers. “The common man cannot afford a single dibba. Shipping containers belong to all Indian citizens – they are a national resource and we must have equitable distribution of this national wealth. We will subsidize shipping dibbas upto 50% for every common man who participates in dharnas,” promised Kejriwal with uncontained policy certitude.

Kejriwal observed that metaphorically they were mobocracy’s stowaways in an otherwise democratic ship and that containers are the best way to put a lid on India’s economy. “We will replace rath yatra with the relatively more secular ‘container yatra‘ as the chosen vehicle for political mobilization,” Kejriwal declared and concluded the press conference by lauding containerization as a dharna innovation and reiterating his demand for two self-contained luxury container fully equipped with state of the art muffler hangers.

In the meanwhile demand for containers from Pakistan and advance orders by AAPians has depressed global trade due to shortage of shipping containers.

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Coal India wins top environmental award for not producing enough coal, reducing carbon footprint Sun, 31 Aug 2014 06:32:25 +0000 UnReal Mama

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India’s public sector monopoly, Coal India, may be getting vilified at home for consistently failing to meet India’s annual coal production targets but has won accolades from environmental groups such as Greenpeace for its stellar, albeit unwitting, role in reducing the overall carbon footprint in the process. So much so that the United Nations Environment Program has conferred it with the prestigious Champion of the Earth Award (the green equivalent of the Nobel), for falling short of production targets in 2013-14 by a whopping 17 million tonnes.

“We laud Coal India for their far sighted vision in managing coal reserves in a manner that prioritizes lower CO2 emissions over economic growth,” the prestigious award citation stated. “It takes extraordinary strength of conviction to persist with outdated and inefficient production techniques, resulting is such gargantuan production shortfalls. We are given to believe that Coal India’s productivity, in output per man per shift, at 4.92 tonnes, is less than a third of the global average. If coal producers in other parts of the world, especially China, emulate Coal India’s antiquated processes, we can bequeath a healthier and purer environment to the coming generations.”

Coal India management welcomed the award, saying they now stand vindicated. “We keep getting derided for our highly inefficient processes, corruption in tenders to procure mining equipment, and abysmally low productivity,” Coal India head, Shri AK Dubey, stated, “but at least the UN has recognized that we are doing all this for one reason alone – our love for the environment.”

Shri Dubey assured green activists all over the world that as long as Coal India controls 80% of India’s coal reserves, they have nothing to fear from India on the environmental front. “We will make sure our production targets never meet ever increasing demand. India may have to import expensive coal to meet some of the shortfall but that is a good thing too for it will fuel domestic inflation and slowdown overall growth. Through our inefficiency, we also want to spur innovation in clean sources of power such as solar and wind,” Shri Dubey added.

Coal India also won kudos from diesel genset manufacturers all over the world. Coal India’s failure success in digging out very little coal has gone hand in hand with the proliferation of diesel gensets that light up millions of Indian households and establishments day in and day out. Diesel genset capacity, now estimated at 90,000 MW, rivals that of thermal power plants.

“We really applaud Coal India’s environmentally sound policies of keeping coal production in check,” said Gurkirat Singh, a Faridabad based diesel genset manufacturer. What he left unsaid was that these diesel gensets are far more polluting than coal fired thermal power plants.

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COMIC: How BJP handled AAP’s accusations of trying to poach its leaders… Sun, 31 Aug 2014 03:37:07 +0000 UnReal Mama AAP leader, Kumar Vishwas, claimed that a BJP MP had met him a few months ago and offered to make him the BJP’s CM candidate in Delhi. BJP leaders promptly went on defense mode, and hit back at Vishwas asking him to reveal who the BJP MP was. Spotting an opportunity, Arvind Kejriwal decided to build on Vishwas’s mode of attack…






(With inputs from Ashwin Kumar)

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Panic grips BJP camp after Rahul Gandhi opts out of campaigning for UP by-polls Sat, 30 Aug 2014 06:38:41 +0000 UnReal Mama

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Outwardly, the BJP leadership may be sniggering over the decision by Rahul Gandhi and Sonia Gandhi to not campaign for the upcoming UP by polls but inwardly they are a very worried lot. “This is a huge setback, man,” a very agitated BJP president, Amit Shah, told The UnReal Times. “An even bigger setback then, say, Mayawati and Mulayam teaming up for the so-called secular alliance to take on the BJP. I was actually planning a vacation during the by poll campaigning phase, confident that Rahul would do his thing and net BJP more votes. But now we have our work really cut out,” he bemoaned. The situation is so grave that even Modi may have to cut short his Japan visit and campaign for the by-polls.

Amit Shah conceded that in hindsight the BJP may have overdone the Rahul bashing. “We overdid the Pappu and Shahzade jokes, so much so that the poor guy seems completely bereft of confidence. I had warned our boys to keep it within bounds but they shot back saying it’s too much fun to cut back. Now see what has happened!!!” Shah said.

“Going forward, we need to praise him from time to time lest he do something drastic like quitting as Congress Vice President as well and calling for meritocratic selection at the top. For a start, I have asked BJP cadre to emulate Congress workers in showering lavish praise on the Nehru-Gandhi scion. The political reality is BJP needs the Nehru-Gandhis more than the Congress,” Shah added.

The sombre mood in the BJP contrasts with the optimism radiating out of the Congress headquarters. Enthusiastic Congress workers and leaders celebrated in front of 10, Janpath, enthused by Rahul’s decision to lead by not leading. “Rahul bhaiyya has given us the best possible present in the build up to the by-polls. We are now determined more than even to increase our vote share by a few percentage points and credit him for the victory,” one worker raved, as he lovingly fed a ladoo to a Rahul poster.

It was left to pre-eminent Gandhi family loyalist, Mani Shankar Aiyar, to have the last word. “This shows more than ever why the party needs the Nehru-Gandhis more than the Nehru-Gandhis need the party. Whenever the party has been in the doldrums, it has looked up to the first family for succour. In our hour of need, Rahul has once again lived up to the glorious tradition of his forebears,” Aiyar wrote for NDTV, which in turn, passed it on to The UnReal Times.

AK Antony too heaved a sigh of relief over Rahul’s decision to stay aloof. “For once, just for once, my forthcoming clean chit report will have a ring of credibility to it,” he observed.

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COMIC: When Narendra Modi admitted that Rahul Gandhi is a better man… Sat, 30 Aug 2014 03:16:59 +0000 UnReal Mama PM Modi was watching the news last night when something suddenly got him to get up and rush to Rahul Gandhi’s house in Tughlak lane. In the conversation that followed, Modi seemed rather subdued…





And thus Narendra Modi protected BJP’s prospects in the UP bypolls after they were dealt a body blow by Rahul Gandhi’s decision not to campaign.

(Images via

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