The UnReal Times India's favorite satire, spoof, parody and humour portal - Politics, Cricket, Business, Governance, Technology, Foreign Affairs and more Fri, 30 Sep 2016 15:56:55 +0000 en-US hourly 1 Pakistan claims aliens conducted surgical strike, rubbishes presence of Indian army Fri, 30 Sep 2016 15:55:09 +0000 Ashwin Kumar

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After a series of flip-flops - denying, inadvertently admitting and then again denying the Indian army’s surgical strikes in the PoK area – Pakistan has finally come out with a statement that a surgical strike was indeed conducted – not by the Indian army, but by aliens.

“We would like to inform the world and those concerned that there was indeed a surgical strike that killed all our terrorists soldiers. But, contrary to what the Indian media has reported, this wasn’t done by the Indian army. It was done by aliens from God knows where – we have concrete evidence for it. Copies of a book named ‘UnReal Aliens’ written by some guy called Karthik Laxman were found in these terror camps. The book hasn’t been released yet and we’ve already banned it in Pakistan, just like we’ve blocked The UnReal Times itself, in many parts of the country. Don’t tell me the Indian army was reading those! So who else, but the aliens themselves could’ve left the books behind over here, as some sort of post-killing calling card?” read a statement from Pakistan PM Nawaz Sharif.

“Nevertheless, this won’t go unpunished. Aliens, don’t mistake our peaceful intent for weakness. If you’re planning to come again, let me tell you – Pakistan is ready and you will be wiped off the face of the solar system if you dare to come here!” the statement added.

Sharif also shot off a letter to UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon, urging the multilateral body to expand beyond the planet and transition into a new body titled ‘United Planets’. While the US is yet to comment on Sharif’s claim, American satirical website The Onion has categorically denied any involvement in drafting the statement.

Journalists across the border, have, however stated that India should stand by Pakistan until Sharif’s statement has been proven to be false. “Sure, laugh all you want, call me anti-national. But if aliens are indeed not responsible for the attack that Sharif claims they did, then why aren’t they denying it? What’s stopping them from doing so? As a responsible neighbour, we ought to be lending our support at this precarious time,” tweeted controversial journalist Barkha Dutt of NDTV.

India Today’s controversial journalist Rajdeep Sardesai too, echoed a similar view. “We’ve heard Nawaz Sharif’s side of the story now. Let’s not jump to conclusions until we hear the alien side too. That is good, responsible journalism, not jingoistic mockery which some irresponsible Indian news channels stoke. I’m always open to asking aliens some good questions if they want to come out with their response,” Sardesai told Pakistan’s Geo News.

While the Indian government is yet to respond to Sharif’s claim, PM Modi tweeted that ALIENS meant ‘A Laughter Indulgence Everyday is Never Sinful’.

The last shot, as always, came from AAP spokesperson, The Ashutosh, who tore into the PM, demanding a response. “Why the alliance attacked the Nawaj Shareef and the Pakistan !!! Will the Modi answer !” the former IBN7 journalist tweeted.

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Pakistani army creates an app to auto-produce statements denying news as rumors Fri, 30 Sep 2016 02:25:00 +0000 Flying Table-fan

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In a path-breaking development, Pakistani army, with the help of a few scientists from Pakistan, has created an app that would automatically produce statements dismissing news stories on Pakistan as rumors.

Pakistani army has so far carried out the task manually over the years. Be it denying Pakistan’s role in fostering terrorism on its soil or presence of Osama Bin Laden and Dawood Ibrahim in Pakistan, they have ably handled the operation. However, after denying surgical strike by Indian Army across LOC, they realized that they were doing it consistently and needed an automated system to respond to embarrassing news about Pakistan to cut down their workload. Hence, the app was developed.

The app, which is called Denial app, would automatically identify news stories related to Pakistan and release statements denying them within 3 seconds. The app, however, wouldn’t be able to read and interpret news. Experts believe this feature wouldn’t be required as news stories on Pakistan are generally not very encouraging in nature for its citizens.

“This has been a dream project for us. Whenever we tell people that we are scientists from Pakistan, they assume that we make bombs. So, we wanted to do something to change the perception,” said one of the scientists in an emotional speech at the launch of the app.

The app has been built in record time and only Pakistani army has access to it. Sources revealed that the app is already running at army bases and is currently scanning news from across the world.

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COMIC: Hours after #SurgicalStrike, Pak PM Nawaz Sharif trolled again Fri, 30 Sep 2016 02:20:44 +0000 UnReal Mama It hasn’t been a good week for Nawaz Sharif and his boss Raheel Sharif and their boss Hafiz Saeed. To add insult to grievous injury, the Pak premier was trolled by an unknown Indian. Here’s what happened:





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Facebook Wall: Reactions to Indian Army’s surgical strikes on terrorist camps across LoC Thu, 29 Sep 2016 12:27:00 +0000 UnReal Mama In an awe-inspiring operation, the Indian army conducted surgical strikes on multiple terrorist launching pads two to three kilometers across the LoC into the Pakistan controlled territory. Preliminary reports indicate that massive casualties have been inflicted on the wretched terrorists. Our correspondent Mark Zuckerpandian brings you reactions:

(There is major India – Pakistan action in our hilarious novel “Unreal Aliens”. Do not miss it! Click here to watch the trailer!)

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COMIC: When Pak PM Nawaz Sharif complained to US about Indian surgical strikes Thu, 29 Sep 2016 09:31:44 +0000 UnReal Mama Shaken by the surgical strikes conducted on the Pakistani side of the LoC by the Indian army, Pak PM Nawaz Sharif wasted no time in running to US Secretary of State John Kerry to whine. Here’s what happened:





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Pakistan Film Industry invites Arvind Kejriwal to review their movies after his tweet on India’s “isolation” Thu, 29 Sep 2016 03:01:13 +0000 Ashwin Kumar Delhi Chief Troll Minister Arvind Kejriwal, who has recently been under fire for his tweet sharing an article on how it was, supposedly, India who got diplomatically isolated and not Pakistan, in the aftermath of the Uri attacks, has reason to cheer. After being invited earlier this year to attend the Karachi Literature Festival 2017 (Yes, something like that actually exists – not unreal!), the AAP chief has now been invited to a special film festival hosted by the Pakistan Film Industry, to review all their movies.

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“Well, given how infiltrated Bollywood is, with our artistes, what Arvind sahab is doing right now is not too different, but still, we would love to have the honor of having him review our movies and give them their much-needed and much-deserved traction on the world stage. We’re tired of having our usual all-weather friends like Barkha Dutt, Sudheendra Kulkarni, Mani Shankar Aiyar, Salman Khursheed and so on visiting us. Kejriwal will be a welcome change from this lot, bringing in some much-needed freshness,” Pakistan PM Nawaz Sharif, who is also the minister for foreign affairs, told The UnReal Times.

“Just imagine the prospect of him tweeting rave reviews about all our anti-India movies. Whew! Sounds like music to the ears already,” Sharif added. Pakistan govt officials ISI and the Pakistan army have advised ordered PM Sharif to not allow PTI chief Imran Khan anywhere within a radius of 500m of Kejriwal. “An unstoppable force meeting its counterpart from across the border – the combination can be so diabolical even for us to handle. One Imran Khan is already giving us a hard time, we can’t afford another like him. You’ve got to thoroughly screen all containers moving near the film festival’s vicinity,” General Raheel Sharif is supposed to have said. PM (Nawaz) Sharif has been in talks with LitFest and Summit organizers across the border to invite Imran over as a speaker, while Kejriwal is in Pakistan.

Sources also added that all Lieutenant Governors in Pakistan will be tendering their resignations soon, much before Kejriwal arrives. “Jung sahab may have nerves of steel, but we don’t. We don’t want this guy coming here and blaming us if he doesn’t like any movies. We know that by default, he would still blame Jung sahab and Modi sahab themselves even for the mess here, but still, we’re not taking a chance,” a Lieutenant Governor said.

While the Delhi CM is yet to accept the invite formally, AAP sources added that he is working with PM Sharif on his security arrangements. “I don’t want security, I’m not scared of anyone in India. But when I’m in Pakistan, Modi may well seize the opportunity to try and kill me and blame it on Pakistan. So I’m not taking any chances here,” Kejriwal reportedly told the Pakistan government.

AAP spokesperson, The Ashutosh, reveled in the invite and the prospect of Kejriwal going to Pakistan. “Why the Kejariwal sud not go across the boarder for the film festiwall !!! It’s a proud moment for the Delhi !!! The Modi is PLANE JEALOUS of not being invited !!” the former IBN7 journalist said.

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Google honors Narendra Modi with a doodlle on World Tourism Day Wed, 28 Sep 2016 03:08:30 +0000 Flying Table-fan Google on Tuesday paid tribute to iconic traveler Narendra Modi with a customized doodle on World Tourism Day.

The doodle features Mr. Modi clicking selfies with natives in front of a tourist spot. A click on the doodle would take you to a number of pages providing information about the legendary explorer.

Narendra Modi, who many believe to be a reincarnation of Christopher Columbus, became popular across the world owing to his frequent visits to countries many did not know existed.

Shri Narendra Modi is accredited for discovering countries that were hidden on the world map and popularizing them on the world stage.  Carrying forward the 67-year-old tradition of Indian politicians, Modi extensively traveled across the globe and discussed unknown things with many international leaders.

Modi is widely considered to be the most noted traveler in history and was awarded the UNESCO traveler prize in 2015.

“Shri Narendra Modi has made the world look like one tiny village. This doodle is our humble tribute to the first Indian who circumnavigated earth,” said Google in a statement released on Tuesday.

Owing to his popularity, the doodle will be visible in 44 countries he visited including Seychelles, Mongolia, Uzbekistan, Kazakhstan, Turkmenistan, Kyrgyzstan, Tajikistan, Mozambique and Laos.

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Clinton and Trump in exclusive interviews with UnReal Times just after the first Presidential Debate Wed, 28 Sep 2016 02:43:48 +0000 Suresh Subrahmanyan

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The US Presidential election debates are the most avidly followed the world over. The likes of Eisenhower, Kennedy, Nixon, Reagan, Clinton, Obama amongst others, have all counted heavily on these televised political punch ups to win votes and influence electorates. Joining this distinguished line up this year are Republican Donald Trump and Democrat Hillary Clinton. The UnReal Times (URT) was a special invitee to the first of these debates, and our special correspondent was granted exclusive interviews with both Clinton and Trump. We’ll go with Hillary Clinton first.

URT – “Good evening Madam, and thank you for granting URT this exclusive interview.”

Hillary Clinton (HC) – “Call me Hillary. We Americans are on first name terms with all and sundry. Even though you are a sundry, you’re welcome.”

URT – “Thanks again, Hillary. Wow, that was a real thrill. Now, how did you feel your debate went this evening against Donald.” 

HC – “Ha, ha. I see you’re a quick learner. Donald eh? I really trumped him tonight, if you’ll excuse the pun. The post debate polls gave me an approval rating of 78%. So I think I am well on my way.”

URT – “To the White House? Isn’t that a bit premature? It’s early days yet.”

HC – “The early bird catches the worm, you know. I’ve been a resident of the White House when Bill was in charge of this great country, then with Obama, I’ve been constantly in and out. So much so, that I feel I am destined to be back at the West Wing, before you can say ‘Monica Lewinsky’.

URT – “Who?”

HC – “Never mind. I have to leave now. CNN’s waiting. One last question.”

URT – “Right, I’ll rush this. Donald, on being told earlier, that he has very small hands, commented opaquely that his hands may be small, but where it truly matters, his size can put many young studs to shame. What on earth was he talking about, Hillary?”

HC – “Oh, you silly, sundry boy from India. Didn’t the Kama Sutra teach you anything? He is, of course, referring to his ego. That’s it. Gotta fly. My warm regards to Narendra.”

We now move to URT’s rushed interview with Republican Presidential hopeful, Donald Trump.

URT – “Good evening, Donald. Thank you for granting me this interview at such short notice”.

Donald Trump (DT) – “Who the *%&* does this shrimp think he is, calling me by my first name? Trump Sir, to you, whichever part of the world you crawled out from.”

URT– “Sorry Trump Sir, but Hilary Clinton said in America everybody is addressed by their first names.”

DT – “Let’s get one thing straight. I am not everybody. I am DONALD TRUMP, in capital letters. More than half of the USA’s real estate belongs to me. Let me give you an exclusive, buddy boy. Even the land where the White House stands belongs to me. Nobody knows it, but they will when I get to occupy it after November. After that nobody can shift me out of there.”

URT – “Oh my God! But Sir, what if you don’t win the elections, what then? Hillary will move in. With Bill.”

DT – “That is not going to happen, you goat. But if, by some political chicanery like fudging the vote count, she does win, then I’ll take my bulldozers to the White House, and start constructing Trump Towers Washington. I’ll offer Hillary and Bill the Presidential suite at $100,000/- a night. And they can have the time of their lives, ruling the country from there.”

URT – “One last question, Trump Ji, I mean Sir. We are familiar with the Democratic Party’s views on the Indian subcontinent, and in particular, the sensitive India-  Pakistan relations. How will you tackle this tricky issue, given your country’s military interests in Pakistan and economic interests in India’s large, consuming market?”

DT – “To answer that question, you should come to my office, where I have a large, rotating globe. I need to first figure out where these countries actually are, and my aides will need to make a Power Point presentation on that region’s dynamics. Right now, I am more interested in buying up as much real estate as possible in India’s vast tracts. I am told property development is thriving in India, and I want a piece of the action.”

URT – “One final question, Trump Sir”.

DT – “Sorry, not about my hand size again. What is it with you people? Some kind of hand fetish? Must run. See you later, alligator.”

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ISRO’s PSLV C35 launch impact: Pakistan declares that it too would launch satellites Tue, 27 Sep 2016 10:01:04 +0000 Srikanth

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Immediately after India launched its PSLV C35 which placed multiple satellites in two different orbits, terrorist state Pakistan has announced that it too would launch satellites in a similar fashion.

Pakistan Space and Upper Atmosphere Commission (SUPARCO) chief Kaiser Anees has announced a three-fold increase of the budget for developing a launch vehicle that can equal India in its PSLV launching capabilities. Of course, given that no such budget has existed in the past, we are not sure how this will affect the program in any way.

When our correspondent contacted SUPARCO, we were told that they were working on a new Launch Rocket which would achieve the same as India’s PSLV with a single burn. Revealing exclusive details, Dr. Anees said that SUPARCO will launch their BT-PSLV, short for Better Than Polar Satellite Launch Vehicle to launch satellites for the Pakistani government.

To prove that Pakistan could do what India could, a competing satellite called SCATTERSAT-1 would be launched to take on India’s SCATSAT-1. According to Dr. Anees, it would provide better data on the oceans than any other satellite. “Indians think they can study the oceans from outer space? Well, when we launch BT-PSLV, the launch vehicle will get burnt completely and dump the satellite in the ocean. The satellite would then study the oceans from deep inside the waters!” scoffed Dr. Anees.

According to Dr. Anees, this is only the beginning. “Next, we’ll send a rocket to Mars, and once that is successful, we’ll send another rocket to Mars with a terrorist, who, inshallah, would take out the Mangalyaan in line with the aspirations of the Martian people,” he said.

As per reports received at the time of publishing this article, the Pakistan Air Force is giving the space program all the support it needs by closing the M-2 motorway for vehicles and enabling rockets to take off instead.

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Facebook Wall: Reactions to the first US Presidential Debate – Hillary Clinton vs Donald Trump Tue, 27 Sep 2016 08:48:05 +0000 Ashwin Kumar So the first Presidential debate between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump happened early today (Indian Time). Our correspondent Mark Zuckerpandian brings you some reactions:

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