The UnReal Times India's favorite satire, spoof, parody and humour portal - Politics, Cricket, Business, Governance, Technology, Foreign Affairs and more Fri, 09 Oct 2015 09:20:00 +0000 en-US hourly 1 Karnataka Power crisis impact: German UPS / inverter manufacturers to set up shop in Bengaluru Fri, 09 Oct 2015 09:17:50 +0000 Ashwin Kumar As the saying goes, every cloud has a silver lining. Karnataka’s power crisis, which has, of late, gone from bad to worse, has helped the state climb onto the “Make In India” bandwagon. German chancellor Angela Merkel, who recently visited the state’s capital and IT city, Bengaluru, along with Prime Minister Narendra Modi, announced that German UPS and Inverter companies will soon set up manufacturing plants in Bengaluru.

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“I must thank PM Modi for choosing Bengaluru as one of the places that I should visit. It’s absolutely the right choice and never before have I seen such business potential for Germany anywhere in the world. We’ve identified 3 key areas in Bengaluru for us to conceive a symbiotic relationship with the Government of Karnataka – beer, automobiles and inverters. Beer and automobiles were always on the agenda anyway. I had a great time meeting Vijay Mallya and we spent hours discussing beer and how we could work together. Bengaluru’s potholes are another talking point in the city and the sheer numbers of potholes on Bengaluru’s roads has inspired our automobile manufacturers into thinking of pathbreaking pothole-friendly car models for India. We will soon be setting up automobile-testing centers here. No other city can provide better test conditions to test the durability of our cars,” Merkel told The UnReal Times.

“PM Modi, CM Siddu and I were in the middle of discussing these items, when suddenly there was a power cut and the inverter came on. That’s when I got to know about Karnataka’s power crisis. With the PM harping non stop about Make In India, I thought ‘Why not?’ I quickly held an emergency, high-level meeting with the top CEOs of power companies in Germany and they were more than willing to set up UPS manufacturing units in Bengaluru. So that was an unexpected icing on the cake,” said Merkel.

A content Karnataka CM Siddaramaiah showered praise on Merkel. “Chindi chitranna! Merkel madam rocks. As a token of our deep appreciation for the massive investment she is bringing to our state, I have named our new inverter distribution scheme for the poor as ‘Merkel bhagya.’” the CM announced.

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UnReal Toon: Shaitaan and Laloo, Round 2 Fri, 09 Oct 2015 02:18:41 +0000 Sagar Kumar After Laloo’s remarks the other day, it was Shaitaan’s turn. Our cartoonist visualizes the scene:

Translation: Laloo jeeb pe baith gaya = Laloo sat on my tongue

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Evolution of a Moral Story: The shepherd boy and the wolf Fri, 09 Oct 2015 00:30:55 +0000 UnReal Mama Most of us have read the story about the shepherd boy and the wolf. How has this 20th century moral fable evolved in the 21st century? Here’s our take:

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20th Century version:

There was a village near a jungle. A shepherd boy used to take his herd of sheep across the fields to graze on the lawns.

One day he felt very bored. There was nothing to do. He decided to have some fun. So he cried aloud, “Wolf! Wolf! The wolf is taking away a lamb!”. Panic-stricken farmers came running towards him from all directions. But they found no wolf. The boy simply laughed and said, “Get back to work, all of you.”

The boy played this trick quite a few times in the following days.

After a few days, the boy, perched high on his tree listening to a song, saw a wolf. The wolf was walking towards a lamb with a devilish smile.The boy shouted “Help! Wolf! Help!” This time no one paid any attention to him. Everyone thought that the boy was playing mischief again.

The wolf carried the lamb away.

Moral of the story: A liar’s truth is seldom believed.


21st Century version:

There was a city near a concrete jungle. A journalist used to take his herd of reporters and camerapersons across the city to prey on the newsmakers.

One day he felt very bored. There was no story to cover. He decided to have some fun. So he cried aloud “Modi! Modi! Modi is taking away India’s freedom!” Panic-stricken people came running on Twitter and Facebook from all directions. But they found no such thing. The journalist simply laughed and said, “Get back to work, all of you.”

The journalist ran this story quite a few times in the following years.

After a few years, the journalist, perched high on his moral pedestal listening to his own voice, saw Modi. Modi was walking towards the journalist with a devilish smile. The journalist shouted, “Help! Modi! Help!” This time no one paid any attention to him. Everyone thought that the journalist was playing mischief again.

Modi took the journalist away.

Moral of the story: A journalist’s truth is seldom believed.

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BCCI hires assistant analysis coach to help Dhoni come up with excuses for future defeats Thu, 08 Oct 2015 05:37:52 +0000 UnReal Mama

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Dhoni led Team India has been on a losing streak in the shorter formats of the game for quite some time. Sometimes the bowling flops, sometimes both batting and bowling flop and Dhoni has to exercise his grey cells later in the press conference, trotting out novel excuses each and every time.

But the recent back to back T-20 defeats have been the last straw. As it is, Dhoni is under the pump, what with Srini mama’s ouster and CSK’s termination, which has drastically altered dynamics in the dressing room. CSK players are now getting second class treatment in the dressing room compared to RCB players, according to sources. “Earlier, RCB used to be the butt of jokes. Now, it’s the other way round. Everyone is after us,” a CSK member of the national team said on conditions of very strict anonymity. And it hasn’t helped either that rumors of Dhoni joining Bhajji in the team’s margdarshak mandal have been doing the rounds.

Given the trying circumstances, the beleaguered skipper has requested the BCCI for an assistant analysis coach who can at least take the analysis burden off him so that he can focus on his wicket-keeping and batting and not worry about what reasons to give at the press conference later in case of yet another flop show.

“Well of course I am sick and tired of analyzing our team’s defeats,” a fatigued Dhoni told The UnReal Times. “There are only so many ways in which I can say that we sucked. This is a full time job by itself and we need an assistant ‘reasons for defeat’ analysis coach in addition to team director, fielding coach, physiotherapist, batting coach, bowling coach….actually, we don’t really require a bowling coach with this attack,” Dhoni said.

The BCCI has agreed to Dhoni’s SOS and has invited applications. “We agree with Dhoni. The position of the defeat analysis coach with the national team is a highly demanding one. Each and every loss has its unique reasons. Sometime it could be the dew factor, sometimes grass on the pitch, and on some occasions, it could be bad karma. So the analysis coach has to possess a very good sense of imagination, expertise in econometrics and statistics and a good grounding in philosophy as well. We can’t have poor Dhoni trying his hand at philosophy each and every time,” BCCI secretary Anurag Thakur said.

Here’s hoping the appointment of a ‘reasons for defeat’ analysis coach frees up Dhoni’s bandwidth for doing what he does best – awesomely ugly heaves with the bat that, to quote the great Shastri, “send the ball to the ropes like a tracer bullet”.

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Shiv Sena steps up anti-Pak rhetoric, now demands ban on South Indian sweet Mysorepak Thu, 08 Oct 2015 02:46:32 +0000 UnReal Mama After forcing the cancellation of Pakistani singer Ghulam Ali’s concert in Mumbai, Shiv Sena has now demanded a complete ban on popular South Indian sweet Mysorepak.

“Just like we prohibit any concert with a Pak artist in it, we prohibit the consumption of any food item that has the word Pak in it. Whoever is seen hogging Mysorepak anywhere in Mumbai will have to face the anger of patriotic Indians and Shiv Sena,” said a spokesperson from Shiv Sena, waving his fist at the camera.

Later, a bunch of Shiv Sainiks stormed into a Saravana Bhavan outlet in South Mumbai, and roughed up a few customers who were unfortunate enough to have a piece or two of Mysorepak on their plates.

Enna kodumai Saravanan ithu? [What atrocity this is!]” cried Anand Ranganathan, a regular at Saravana Bhavan, who was one of the guys beaten up by Shiv Sena workers. “All I ever wanted from life is a tumbler of filter coffee in one hand and a Mysorepak in the other. Why am I being targeted for this?”

Needless to say, Sena’s latest ultimatum has added to the outrage of the already indignant television personalities. Barkha Dutt made the issue the topic of the day on her show The Buck Stops here, and featured a dozen accomplished Indian Mysorepak makers, each of whom demanded that PM Modi speak up on the matter. Arnab Goswami too held a ferocious debate on the topic on the Newshour, featuring Sambit Patra, Sanjay Jha, a piece of Mysorepak and a dozen random folks as panelists.

News anchor Rajdeep Sardesai registered his protest in his own inimitable fashion. “Eating a piece of Mysorepak along with Old Monk while listening to Ghulam Ali. Will Shiv Sena stop this too? Gnight,” he tweeted.

Socialite Shobhaa De tweeted, “I just ate Mysorepak. Come and beat me up,” but deleted it a second later, when she remembered that she lived in Mumbai.

Meanwhile, Shiv Sena seems to show no signs of winding down its anti-Pak campaign. According to insiders, the party is likely to seek a ban on Champak next, a possibility that has greatly worried the Congress high command. “They dare not do this to Rahul baba. Congress workers across the nation will take to the streets if this happens!” said an angry Congress leader.

[Editor's note to Mysorepak fans in Mumbai: I don't think there's a Saravana Bhavan outlet in Mumbai yet]

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Shobhaa De tells Nobel panel not to consider her name Thu, 08 Oct 2015 02:19:01 +0000 K Balakumar

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Mumbai: In a major embarrassment to the Modi government at the Centre, a day after writer Nayantara Sahgal returned her Sahitya Akademi award, another well-known author has gone one step further and written to the Nobel Prize Committee to not consider her name for the literature prize this year.

The feisty writer’s gesture is seen as a powerful symbolic show of protest against the rising climate of intolerance in India, which has now reached a situation where it is suspected to trigger greenhouse gas emissions in the atmosphere.

In her letter to the Nobel Committee, which is set to announce its prize for literature tomorrow, Shobhaa De said India, as a country, was known for its civilizational heft. Tolerance and space for plurality of opinions was its hallmark.

“The country was so tolerant that it kind of accepted even me as an author”, she said, a line so powerful and heart-felt that it drew instant reaction from the literary cognoscenti who opined this was the most meaningful and only acceptable sentence that Shobhaa De had written in a long, long time.

“But today the atmosphere is vitiated. Another Shobhaa De cannot emerge in such a constraining situation,” Shobhaa De said and added, “in the event, I request the good people at the Nobel Committee to not take my name for consideration while finalising the prize for literature for this year”.

She, however, clarified that in the future, as and when things return to normal in India, the Nobel Committee was at liberty to not only consider her name for literature but also announce her as the winner.

Shobhaa De’s stinging missive to the Nobel Committee has put India in an embarrassing situation, as the Nobel panel  is reported to have sent a terse note to the Union government asking it to explain who this Shobhaa is. “More importantly, explain why is she spelling her name with double ‘aa’?”

Meanwhile, in an exclusive interview to, the spunky eponymous online media startup known for retreading reports appearing in other news sites, Shobhaa De said that as a writer she had a moral duty to take a stand in response to the events happening in India at the moment. “I was forced to write to the Nobel committee knowing full well that I am not even in the running for the award. That is how bad and desperate the situation is in India now,” she explained.

Shobhaa, later speaking to the news portal, said that Nayantara Sahgal’s bold action has shown the way for the rest of the literary folks to follow. ‘I think what Nayantara has done is very courageous. She has returned the award to Sahitya Akademi and truly exposed not only the state of discourse in India now but also the state of literature in India in the past when it was perfectly possible for someone like Nayantara to win the Sahitya Akademi award without it ever becoming a full-blown scandal.”

Shobhaa added that her initial reaction too was to emulate Nayantara  and return the Sahitya Akademi award. “But then I managed to figure out at the last moment that I had no Akademi award to return. But rather than use that as a lame excuse and sit idly, I chose the riskier path and wrote to the Nobel committee,” she said.

Shobhaa’s conscientious act also brought a bunch of well-known intellectuals to write an open letter to the Stockholm-based committee thanking them for not considering Narendra Modi’s name for any of the Nobel awards. (This part of this report may not be a spoof).

Shobhaa De defiance also had repercussions in the social media. Well-known anti-Modi bot Talil Sripathi as usual tweeted, “Acchhe Din”, as he as he, even more, as usual added a link of a report from on the recent IT raids conducted at (actress) Nayantara’s house.”In this climate of distrust, no Nayantara is safe”.

Another popular right-wing tweeter (@pupabutterfly), said: “Is Shobhaa real? Does she know Nobel was the one behind dynamite?” Of course, the issue isn’t one about Nobel or dynamite. But since it was @pupa, nobody was expecting any kind of logic.

At the time of going to press, an MP from Rajasthan, who is in the Standing Committee of the Human Resources Ministry,  was caught in a sting operation where he promises a private publisher from Gujarat to include the works of Shobhaa De in CBSE curriculum.

(Originally published in Crank’s Corner)

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Aspiring liberal returns yet-to-be-conferred award in protest against PM Narendra Modi Wed, 07 Oct 2015 06:34:13 +0000 Ashwin Kumar Taking a cue from Sahitya Akademi award winner and Nehru’s niece, Nayantara Sahgal, aspiring liberal Niharika Bose has returned her award. Only, the award hasn’t been conferred yet.

In a strongly-worded post on Facebook, Niharika wrote, “I am proud of myself and the laurels that will be heaped on me in the future for my activism fuelled literature. But it would be extremely selfish of me to rejoice in glee, while my country is burning in the communal fire stoked by Hindutva bigotry, and crumbling under the weight of intolerance of dissent by fascist forces. The Prime Minister’s (tacit?) continued silence on these humanity-threatening catastrophes only signals the impending death of cultural diversity and pluralism that the great Pandit Nehru stood for. RIP secularism, RIP my country. As a mark of strong protest against all these disasters, I hereby return my yet-to-be-conferred award.”

Niharika’s post has since gone viral, earning her a slew of invitations to TV interviews, LitFests, book launches and panel discussions. She has also earned the wrath of right-wingers on social media though. However, self-styled intellectuals and liberals from the Indian media rushed to her defence, lauding her for her unyielding resilience in the face of extreme conditions and demanded that she be conferred an award just for this.

“All this while, I was worried that my country will turn into a Hindu Syria. But now, with a young girl showing unprecedented courage and sheer guts in returning a yet-to-be-bestowed award in protest against the fascists in power, I see a beacon of hope. Just so that she can return it, she needs to be conferred an award. Who knows, maybe we can give her the Nobel itself? When Malala can get one, why shouldn’t Niharika? Malala stood up to the Taliban, Niharika is standing up to Modi. What’s the difference? I hope our Nobel laureate, Prof. Amartya Sen takes note,” a liberal intellectual told The UnReal Times.

Meanwhile, the incident has elicited a sharp response from Sadhvi Prachi, who insisted that Niharika should accept the award. “Those who don’t want our awards can go to Pakistan,” the Sadhvi said.

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PMO launches Modibot Twitter account to make automated statement whenever liberals outrage Wed, 07 Oct 2015 01:55:09 +0000 UnReal Mama Great news for Twitter users! Bhakts and adarsh liberals may no longer mess up your timeline on your favourite microblogging portal by bickering over Modi’s stand or lack thereof on contentious issues. In an elegant solution, the Prime Minister’s Office (PMO) has launched a Twitter bot called @Modibot, designed to automatically make statements whenever it senses the beginnings of liberal outrage anywhere on Twitter.

“The idea is simple,” said Principal Secretary Nripendra Misra. “The bot continually scans a set of well-known liberal accounts for rants on Modi, and whenever it detects even a hint of outrage, it chooses a statement at random from a database of generic responses and promptly tweets it.”

“Here, let me show you,” said Misra, and turned to his desktop. From the @PMOIndia account, Misra composed a tweet announcing the launch of @Modibot and hit the Tweet button.

Within minutes, scores of excited bhakts tweeted back gushing over the move.

In another minute or so, the more ‘ebullient’ of these Tweeters naturally turned to their favorite liberal bunnies and had a go at them.

Cue liberal outrage.

Pat came @Modibot’s tweet:

“See that?! Now he can’t complain, can he?” exulted Misra. “This is the perfect solution! Not only will this shut up the liberals, but it will do so without wasting a minute of the PM’s time! Now whatever happens in the world, whether it be a bunch of idiots beating each other up, or some loser MP making a random statement, or some rat dying of starvation in the Kutch, you will hear from the Prime Minister every time someone begins to whine about it!”

“That’s pretty cool,” said our correspondent, obviously impressed. “But how did the PMO compile the database of responses without involving the PM?”

“Oh that was the easiest part,” said Misra. “We just picked up a bunch of Pankaj Pachauri’s tweets on behalf of Dr. Manmohan Singh during his term as the Prime Minister, and populated our response set.”

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UnReal Toon: A general knowledge class at a primary school in Uttar Pradesh Tue, 06 Oct 2015 15:56:37 +0000 Sagar Kumar Our cartoonist managed to capture and depict a recent scene from a general knowledge class at a primary school in Uttar Pradesh.

(Based on an idea by Ashwin Kumar)

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Conservative group demands ban on non-veg jokes, liberals howl in protest Tue, 06 Oct 2015 12:12:06 +0000 UnReal Mama Barely have the embers over the heated clash between conservatives and liberals on banning non-vegetarian food died down that a new flash point has emerged – the ban on non-veg jokes.

A fringe right wing group, Shri Lakshman Sena, has demanded an outright ban on what is known in the parlance as ‘non-vegetarian jokes’. Lakshman Sena leader Pious Prabhu said such jokes are alien to Indian culture and hurt sentiments of devout Hindus. “Our ancient heritage never had place for vulgar non-vegetarian jokes. It is about time they are banned along with meat. Why crack such jokes which are clearly of Western origin when we have our own indigenous tradition of Sardarji and Santa Banta type jokes to borrow from?” an earnest Prabhu told The UnReal Times.

The move has evoked howls of protest with Rajdeep Sardesai being the first off the block with his tweet: “Luckily in my building, we crack all types of jokes – the Kapil Sharma slapstick to AIB roast to URT jokes on Sagarika. Thank god for Colaba. Enjoy! Bye.” He followed it up with a choice non-veg tweet that he and his friends had recently savored in upscale Bandra.

Soon, a horde of trolls descended on Rajdeep with non-vegetarian abuse, more incensed by the fact that he was once again boasting about his posh locality. Rajdeep initially tried to indulge in pacifist Gandhigiri, but soon lost his patience and uttered the ‘f’ word, inviting another wave of troll attacks, including a reprimand from Big B: “T 2020: Gosh…That was not expected of you, Rajdeep.”

This provided the perfect cue for Sagarika to enter the debate, tweeting: “Proud of my husband. There for the family, there for the country”. She soon followed it up by a ToI blog titled “Ban on non-vegetarian jokes: Why liberal Hindus need to reclaim the humour space”.

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