The UnReal Times India's favorite satire, spoof, parody and humour portal - Politics, Cricket, Business, Governance, Technology, Foreign Affairs and more Fri, 28 Oct 2016 03:29:18 +0000 en-US hourly 1 Kashmiris and Pakistanis subscribe en masse to Washington Post after Barkha joins as contributor Fri, 28 Oct 2016 03:24:47 +0000 Flying Table-fan

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American daily newspaper The Washington Post has gained substantial number of subscribers over the past few hours following its announcement of legendary journalist Barkha Dutt joining the publication as a contributor for global opinions.

As a contributing columnist, Ms. Dutt, who has won numerous awards during her illustrious career as a journalist, including TV Personality of the Year, awarded by AIB (Association for International Broadcasting), will now take the issues closer to her viewers, which many believe are the staff members of NDTV, to an international platform.

The spike in the subscription has primarily been noticed in the Kashmir region where Ms. Dutt is seen more often than the local residents.  As a matter of fact, experts believe if Kashmir becomes an independent nation, she might earn a place in the history books of independent Kashmir, or the currency notes might have her photo printed on them, or at least a road could be named after her as an acknowledgement for her contribution to the separatists movement.

Her tireless campaign to put forward the points of view of terrorists has been appreciation by many across the border and her minute-by-minute coverage of army movements along the LoC has helped many prepare for the situation in advance and respond accordingly.  And although the services would still be available on NDTV, it seems a few in the Kashmir valley do not want to rely on a single source of information, especially when there are multiple options available now.

Meanwhile, the competitors of The Washington Post have been caught off guard by the development and they are ruing the missed opportunity to reach a new audience.  Some of them, however, are trying to regain the lost ground, and reports suggest that The New York Times is already in talks with Hafiz Saeed to write a weekly column for it.

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WCD Ministry to reward married men who select “What is your anniversary date?” as security question Thu, 27 Oct 2016 16:38:16 +0000 Ashwin Kumar The Ministry of Women and Child Development, headed by Maneka Gandhi has announced a new bravery award for married Indian men who select “What is your anniversary date?” as a security question during their registration process with any website online.

“The idea is to encourage married men across the country to remember their wedding anniversaries correctly and well. This, in turn, will prevent unwanted acrimony in families in India and foster better husband-wife relationships. The number of married Indian men who remember their wedding anniversaries is abysmal and this is an earnest effort to improve the rate. Even today, lakhs of Indian married men who sign up for anything online and create an account anywhere usually choose ‘What is your first pet’s name?’, or ‘When is your birthday?’, or ‘Which is your favorite car?’ as their security question,” WCD Minister Maneka Gandhi told The UnReal Times.

“Hardly anyone ever chooses ‘What is your anniversary date?’ as a security question, simply because there have been people who have forgotten their passwords and not only have they been unable to retrieve their accounts due to inability to answer the security question correctly, but they have also been unable to retrieve access to their own households, due to highly miffed wives. We do not want to further penalize those who forget their anniversaries as they would already be in deep shit, so we’re trying to change this the positive way – by honoring those few who do. We hope the number of men who do remember the anniversaries grows due to this,” Gandhi added.

The ministry’s policy, however, wasn’t without its share of initial controversy. BJP MP Varun Gandhi, who was one of the first married men to stake claim for the award, after bravely selecting the anniversary security question while registering at Patanjali’s online retail website to buy their honey bottles, has been denied an award by his mother. “I’m sorry, Varun’s case is special – anything other than honey and I would gladly give him the award. I will even overlook the fact that our women journos’ Whatsapp group was totally against Varun buying things from Patanjali, of all places, but honey is an absolute no-no,” Maneka Gandhi is reported to have said.

Varun’s act of bravado reportedly hasn’t found favor with his better half too. “Poor Varun, he told Yamini ‘I’ll never forget our anniversary, honey!’ to which she yelled back ‘Don’t you dare say honey again!’” a WCD ministry source told The UnReal Times.

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Cyrus Mistry renames himself Rohit Sharma-Mistry, gets job back Thu, 27 Oct 2016 13:24:40 +0000 Citizen Satirist

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Deposed chairman of Tata Group, Cyrus Mistry, has hit upon a great idea to get back his job. At a press conference earlier in the day, Mistry announced that he shall no longer be known as Cyrus Mistry, and instead asked everyone to call him Rohit Sharma-Mistry.

Fifteen minutes after Sharma-Mistry’s press conference, Ratan Rata called for a press conference and announced the group’s decision to reinstate Cyrus Mistry as the chairman of Tata Group.

“Mr. Sharma-Mistry is a rare talent who will be groomed for the future,” said Tata. “The Trustees and other directors of Tata Sons are convinced about Mr. Sharma-Mistry’s ability and firmly believe that when he gets going, he can turn around any business within one quarter.”

Later, our correspondent reached out to the jubilant Sharma-Mistry and asked him what gave him this idea. Sharma-Mistry said that the emotional atyachar at Tata Sons was irking him, but then he met an inspired god man from Chennai, Cheeni Mama, who gave him guidance.

Mr Sharma-Mistry is now considering building a temple for Cheeni Mama. “After all, our organization is known for its charitable acts, and in TN it is accepted practice to build a temple for actors, so this is very well in line with our organizational ethos,” Sharma-Mistry was quoted as saying.

(Submitted by Citizen Satirist Badri Narayanan)

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Cyrus Mistry speaks out, says TATA removal didn’t hurt as much as punny headlines on it Wed, 26 Oct 2016 17:44:19 +0000 Ashwin Kumar Ousted TATA group chairman Cyrus Mistry finally spoke out regarding the development, terming that while getting the boot did hurt, it was nowhere in comparison to what he felt after reading dozens of pun-filled headlines over his name and ouster.

“What the hell, yaar? Whatever I pick up, all I read is: Mystery over Mistry’s ouster; Che-Mistry no more, TATA group sacks chairman; Mist yet to clear on why Mistry was ousted, TATA says tata to Mistry. I can’t take this anymore! Please stop. I can always find another job or even become a chairman of some other company if lady luck favors me, but will these Mistry puns ever end? I’ve had enough of this pun-ishment!” the ex-chairman cried out to The UnReal Times. The businessman was soon supported by Sixth Sense scientist Pranav Mistry, who tweeted, “I feel you, bro!”

The mainstream media, however, shot back at Mistry, asking him to take a chill pill. “Sigh-rus Mistry clearly not happy over some witty puns, eh? ;)” tweeted Times Group chairman Vineet Jain. Jain’s tweet was soon followed by rival newspaper The Hindu publisher, N Ram’s tweet: “About time Cyrus gulps in some Citrus juice to calm himself. Ratan Tata’s right about the intolerance part – it’s coming from his own ex-chairman!”

An upset Mistry mentioned that sooner or later, he would have to change his name if things continue this way. “The last thing I want now is Cyrus Broacha meeting me and the media saying ‘Cyrus broaches Mistry!’ AAARGH!” an angry Mistry cried. He was, however, consoled by actor Neil Nitin Mukesh. “Be happy you have a popular 2-word name and not a 3-word one. That’s much, much, much better! Seriously, seriously, seriously!” Neil Nitin Mukesh reportedly told him.

Media-appointed BJP MP, the VHP’s Sadhvi Prachi, who usually asks people to go to Pakistan, got into a bit of a lighthearted mood herself. “If Cyrus doesn’t like what happened, he can go to Cyprus!” the Sadhvi exclaimed. The ex-chairman was also approached by Sports Minister Vijay Goel, who told him, “I can never get a selfie with Miley Cyrus. So let me at least get one with Mistry Cyrus.”

Mistry’s biggest consolation and shoulder to cry on, though, came all the way from South Africa, from the quarters of wicket keeper Quinton De Kock. “I can’t tell you how it feels each time I trend on Twitter and see the tweets about me. Trust me, you’re much better off. You just can’t imagine how cocky some tweeters can get. Oops!” the keeper is supposed to have said.

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Script writer of adult movies accuses Chetan Bhagat of plagiarism Wed, 26 Oct 2016 02:26:55 +0000 Devashish

Page 57 from Chetan Bhagat’s One Indian Girl

On Tuesday the inevitable finally happened. Yes, Chetan Bhagat reached 8 million followers on twitter and brazenly put out a tweet to declare that he was now the most followed author in the world after J.K. Rowling and Paulo Coelho. Engineering students all over India rejoiced at the accomplishment of this five point someone engineer who had made big in the world of writing. Some engineering students however disregarded the twitter ratings and reported that Chetan Bhagat was the most popular writer only because H.C. Verma was not on Twitter.

True lovers of literature were however very depressed reading this news. One Indian girl, who wished to stay anonymous reported a horrifying story. She exclusively reported to us that she was reading Shakespeare while waiting for her metro at Connought place when a few engineering students teased and laughed at her for reading Shakespeare and even threw pirated copies of One Night at Call Centre at her.

Some other contemporary Indian writers especially Burkha Dutt and Rajdeep Sardesai were equally disappointed. Rajdeep who is usually very calm when he isn’t near Madison Square Garden, spoke in an angry Arnabesque tone, “This news is nonsense. It’s spread by Modi bhakts.Its only because Chetan Bhagat is a right wing Hindu. Read his columns. He is a Modi agent.”

He further asked our journalist, “Do you want to know what true literature is? Read my book!” and threw his book ’2014- Elections which changed India’ at our reporter.

Amidst all this hue and cry on Twitter, a pornography writer who reportedly wrote scripts for top adult sites found Chetan Bhagat and page number 57 of his latest book trending. What he saw next was shocking. He could hardly believe his eyes as he found the page number 57 of ‘One Indian girl’ to be very similar to the script of one of his highest rated adult films. He has reportedly filed a case for plagiarism against Chetan Bhagat.

Mr. Chetan Bhagat was unavailable for comments. It remains to be seen what happens next.

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Cyrus Mistry claims intolerance cost him his job, rues not having a government job Wed, 26 Oct 2016 02:14:38 +0000 Srikanth

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Outgoing chairman of Tata Sons, Cyrus Mistry, who was ousted from his position a few days ago has claimed that the increasing intolerance in the country was the reason he was fired.

In an exclusive interview with The Unreal Times, Mistry explains to us in detail about his sacking.

“It’s all because of the rising intolerance levels in the country. People have become intolerant of the success of others. People are so intolerant that they can’t even tolerate winning their own award and are giving it back. Tell me, when people are returning their awards due to intolerance, isn’t it obvious that Ratan sir will return to his old post? India is so intolerant that they can’t see someone outside the family taking charge of the organisation,” he said, sipping on a cup of Tata Coffee.

“There is so much intolerance that there is no job security,” he went on to add. “I should have listened to people and taken a Government job. Now I’m too old for that too. Isn’t this also a form of intolerance? Where we don’t allow a 48 year old man to join a bank as a clerk?”

When asked what he planned to do, he said that he’d return something in protest.

“Since the only thing I can return right now is to return to my old job, so I will go back to Shapoorji Pallonji for now. But I will return from there as well to Tata someday,” he reiterated.

Meanwhile, Aam Aadmi Party leader, The Ashutosh, tweeted out, “Why has the Sirus Maistri been fired? Who will host Barka now? Will The Modi answer?”

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UnReal Primer: A non-nonsense Q&A on Triple Talaq and Uniform Civil Code Tue, 25 Oct 2016 02:23:19 +0000 K Balakumar

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Chennai, Oct 19: Triple Talaq and the Uniform Civil Code are making controversial headlines again. As with most matters, the general public is uninformed on these too because most of the time it is getting its information from the wrong sources — internet,WhatsApp forwards and news outlets that are mostly dependent on internet and WA fwds. We at Crank’s News are different though. We don’t trust second-hand sources, we generally make up our information. Here we step in to clear the existing confusions by creating totally new ones.

In typical Q & A format, Crank’s News addresses the important issues in the Triple Talaqsystem in typical non-nonsense, irresponsible way. Being a subject of religious sensitivity, we know one thing for sure: No matter what, some group somewhere will surely takeoffence. Further, this piece also contains stuff that may offend a group that also comprise people who are generally more touchy than religious guys. But prudence demands that we don’t directly identify them as advocates.

1) Give us a broad background to this Triple Talaq issue

Ans: Triple Talaq is a simple procedure by which a Muslim man can divorce his wife. All he has to do is utter ‘talaq‘ three times. This makes it clear that be it religion or government, doing things in triplicate is extremely important.

2) What are the grounds of opposing the Triple Talaq?

Ans: Quite obviously, Triple Talaq flies in the face of all canons of modern justice sytemthat make it mandatory for judicial processes, as guaranteed in the Constitution, to be extremely complex. Article 22/7 of the Constitution lays it all down pretty clearly: All matters pertaining to the judicial system, ipso facto, will sedulously have to be made difficult to understand by various methods, including by use of strange phrases from Latin, a language that is dead for centuries.

On a slightly more sombre note, the Triple Talaq system, it has been argued, works against the interests of women. But as people who lay down the rules, should we be allowed to be distracted by such extraneous and irrelevant arguments is the larger question that men folks are having to ponder.

But lest it be construed that Triple Talaq will signal the end to all ties between a woman and her husband, there is room in the system for them to become conjugal couples again, provided the woman marries another man and who subsequently divorces her. Seriously, this is the rule.

Anyway, the All India Muslim Personal Law Board has taken a pragmatic and the most reasonable women-centric view in this matter.

3) What are they?

Ans: AIMPLB has made a strong case that the Triple Talaq is in favour of women by its very nature. In an affidavit filed with the Supreme Court in the Shayara Bano Vs Union of India & others case, the AIMPLB said Triple Talaq is the most desirable practice for getting divorce because it keeps lawyers and courts totally out of it. Okay, it didn’t say this, but it did argue that the Triple Talaq system is actually beneficial to women.

Going against the general principle of Crank’s News, we, for the first time, are going to use facts here. These are the real reasons that the AIMPLB gave in an affidavit to the Supreme Court:  1. Granting husband the right to divorce indirectly provides security to wife. 2. Women get killed when men don’t have easy divorce. 3. Obtaining divorce from courtsscandalises women’s character, for men the damage is little. 4. Obtaining divorce from courts ‘deters re-marriage’ prospects of men, women.

As you can see, it is a perfectly reasonable stand, especially the second one. Nobody with a sensible mind can argue against it. Nothing drives a man wild than an intransigent women refusing to grant him or anybody else divorce. Not giving divorce is a major cause of death among women — roughly around 17% of all deaths — across the world, according to a recent study.

4) If Pakistan and many other countries have abolished triple talaq, why can’t India?

Ans: Because those are countries that don’t follow — pay close attention here — the Indian Constitution. Well, the point is if equality and dignity is a fundamental right then the right to practise one’s religion and its rules are also a fundamental right. It is for the court to decide and bring some nuance into the whole debate and settle the matter in a manner that is acceptable and agreeable to all concerned. But the court, you’d appreciate, has been hard-pressed for time, as it has to work non-stop on matters of extreme importance, like whether the Indian cricket team selection committee should comprise three or five members.

5) How is the case expected to pan out now?

Ans: We adjourn the answer to a future piece of Crank’s News on The UnReal Times.

(Originally published on Crank’s Corner)

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Bigg Boss production unit relocates to Mulayam Singh Yadav’s residence Mon, 24 Oct 2016 08:24:51 +0000 Ashwin Kumar Amid sinking TRPs and a sharply increasing following of the ongoing Samajwadi Party drama concerning the family of party supremo Mulayam Singh Yadav, the production unit of top Indian reality show Bigg Boss, has relocated to Yadav’s residence.

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“Desperate times, desperate measures,” said Bigg Boss host Salman Khan, “The chaos surrounding Neta ji and his parivaar is so filmy, so high-tension and so entertaining that people have stopped watching us and are actively following their infighting and factionalism. So we’ve decided to do what’s best for us and have relocated all our cameramen and crew to Neta ji‘s residence. I’ve promised to dance at their next Saifi Mahotsav in return.”

Salman’s disappointment was further echoed by his father, scriptwriter Salim Khan. “The unit tells me that Salman himself is not good enough to drive them,” the senior Khan told The UnReal Times, “towards good TRPs, I mean! Sallu was so, well, sullen when he heard of this decision. He told me that he felt like a ra….well, never mind!”

Sources in the production crew added that there is no dearth of diversity in the Samajwadi Party. “We have a wrestler, a once-aspiring cricketer, a senior actress and what not! Who says it’s all about politics and politicians?” a producer said. “We already started losing the war years ago, thanks to Arnab Goswami and The Newshour. Things further worsened for us when Arvind Kejriwal started the Aam Aadmi Party. And now, if we let the Samajwadi Party drama get the better of us, then this is as good as our death knell. As the popular adage goes, if you can’t beat them, join them. So that’s exactly what we’re doing,” the producer added.

The Bigg Boss production unit has found the support of industrialist Ratan Tata. “The growing intolerance in this country has got on to even the Bigg Boss crew, making them say tata to their set of many years,” the industrialist said.

According the BJP Maharashtra cadres, CM Devendra Fadnavis has offered to mediate between the warring factions. “I have taken over Baba Siddique’s mantle, having successfully negotiated a truce between Raj Thackeray and Karan Johar and I feel I’m now well-equipped to handle this, too. Bring it on, Samajwadis!” Fadnavis reportedly said.

While other Bollywood actors who are close to the party are yet to comment, director Anurag Kashyap shot an angry tweet to PM Modi, demanding that he apologize for the ongoing fiasco within the party. Kashyap’s tweet was promptly retweeted by AAP spokesperson, The Ashutosh, who tweeted, “Why the Big Bose is shifting to the Netaji house holed !!! Will the Modi answer !!”

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Dhobi Mahasangh protests against comparison of donkey with Rahul Gandhi Mon, 24 Oct 2016 02:36:25 +0000 Citizen Satirist Akhil Bharatiya Dhobi Mahasangh has strongly criticized dragging donkeys into politics. Reacting to a report of Chhattisgarh Congress rebel MLA R.K Rai calling Rahul Gandhi a donkey, the Mahasangh’s president Shri Shyam Rajak said, “Well, I can understand politicians throwing mud at each other and calling names. And I fully empathize with Shri R.K Rai for getting upset at Congress high command. But equating Rahul ji with donkey is unacceptable. Donkeys are our bread winners. Unless we feed them they don’t enter anyone’s house and take away their meal. Yes, their IQ is a bit low but not that bad. We condemn Shri R.K Rai’s exaggerated comparison.”

In a related development, PETA, the animal rights group, has threatened to sue R.K Rai for violation of animal rights. CEO of PETA India, Poorva Joshipura, in a telephonic interview with The Unreal times said, “Animals too have their right to dignity. It is a new low for donkeys to be dragged into such comparisons. We are  consulting our legal team to take legal action against Mr. R.K Rai.”

Mr. R.K Rai got support from unexpected quarters. Dr. Madhu Khanna Professor, at Centre for Comparative Religions at Jamia Millia Islamia staunchly defended R.K Rai. “As per Old Testament prophecy, the Messiah is said to arrive on a donkey. The prophesy came true when Jesus rode on a donkey and entered Jerusalem. In Hinduism, the goddess Kalaratri’s vehicle is a donkey. So donkeys are blessed animals. By comparing Rahul ji with a donkey, Mr Rai has only elevated Rahul ji in the spiritual realm of things.”

Arvind Kejriwal too agreed with Prof Khanna. “Those who have watched ’Shrek Forever After’ will agree that donkey is such an adorable animal. Rai ji has only complemented Rahul ji,” said Kejriwal, before speeding off to special screening of ’Ae Dil Hai Mushkil’.

Repeated efforts by The Unreal times to contact Rahul Gandhi’s office were not fruitful as the receptionist was not able to confirm the whereabouts of Mr Gandhi.

(Reported by Citizen Satirist Sridharan Sankaran)

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5 fresh conditions issued by MNS after Ae Dil Hai Mushkil victory Sun, 23 Oct 2016 04:48:44 +0000 4nur4g Finally the suspense is over. Ae Dil Hai Mushkil will release on 28th after a deal was brokered in a high profile meet attended by Karan Johar and Raj Thackeray. Not satisfied with assurances that no actor from neighboring country will be hired in future considering the mood of the nation, the pre-condition set by MNS was that the producers will have to pay a ‘penance’ cost to the Army welfare fund for casting Pakistan actors. The producers agreed to this after doing their Math. The amount of free publicity that they had garnered due to the ongoing tussle meant they had saved enough to donate. Wonder if the army men are happy with this forced goodwill gesture from both sides!

Buoyed by their victory of sorts, MNS has gone ahead and released a series of pre-conditions to people who want to live and conduct business in Maharashtra in future.

1) Every film maker making a film with only Indian actors would get a ‘reward’ compensation irrespective of the fate of the film at box office collected from film makers who have ever made a film with any Pakistani in their lives.

2) Every business man who exports goods and services to Pakistan will have to either shut down business immediately even if it means loss of livelihood or pay ‘patriotism’ cost to stay safe in the state.

3) Anyone from other states entering Maharashtra would first have to pay a ‘penance’ cost for being born outside Maharashtra if they wished to earn their living there.

4) Everyone who has had any Pakistani link ever in the past but doesn’t have it any more will have to pay a onetime ‘repentance’ cost to ensure his well being in the country. Going further, MNS has launched a lucrative scheme which says that all people who have still not revealed their Pakistani association (via chat, FB, old friendship, etc) are allowed a 10 day ‘Voluntary Disclosure of Association Scheme’. They too can pay the repentance cost and secure their future against random attacks by MNS.

5) All people living in the cities and town falling in Maharashtra where MNS representative is not elected in the next elections will have to pay a ‘my mistake’ cost each time some important work of general public good is undertaken in the constituency. This will safeguard them against vandalism and protect against the loss of public property in their area.

*The amount for each violation will depend on the stakes involved.

Hearing this, the D-company has threatened filing a case in International Court of Underworld Justice against MNS. Issuing a statement from Karachi, their spokesperson argued that they hold the patent for protection money with their pioneering work in ‘hafta vasooli’.

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